Hello everyone, hope your all ok? Its been a tough few days, have massive feelings of guilt over my dads passing, he had liver problems due to being an alcoholic for a long time (over 10 yrs) my mum finally left him 6 years ago as she couldnt cope with the secret drinking and masses of debt he got them into and he just went down hill from there. He met a lady (H) sadly with learning difficulties in Birmingham and they had a child together, a baby boy. He is now 4 and beautiful, scarily looks like my dad and even me when i was small, I managed to track her down as I needed to tell her the bad news. She took it suprisingly well and wants me and my two sisters ( my sisters have same dad they are 16 and 19 yrs old) to meet our half brother. My dad then that yr following a fall out with H moved back home to live with his mum in Newcastle, his drinking got worse especially now that he had someone to fund his habit, his mum. (she wasnt funding it intentionally, she was quite naive and believed him when he said he didnt drink much) for the last few years he has been in and out of hospital due to alcoholic liver disease, In February I had a phone call from the hospital in Newcastle saying that I should go up there as he was very poorly and they didnt think he had long, he was on his death bed then and made a remarkable recovery and got discharged, since then he has been in and out of a and e, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, the alcohol had eaten his life and swallowed the man he once was. I went to see him in Feb and since have had calls from the hospital advising he isnt in a good way, sometimes i got cross with my dad on the phone because i was trying to get him to realise what he was doing to himself. Fri morning will be the last time i ever spoke to him, he was confused and phoned me from the hospital because he wanted some money and to come home, I was tough and told him that he needed to stay to get better (At this point he had been sectioned) he really didnt want to be there and was very agitated, I was firm with him on the phone but I made sure that I told him that I loved him and then a few hours later I got a call from the doctor saying he had deteriorated and I honestly just though, yeh yeh, he will bounce back again....5 hours later I then received the call to say he had passed away whilst lying on his bed. Im feeling guilty because he was alone when he died and I saw him once every 3 yrs, I feel like I should have done more and it is eating away at me.
Im sorry for the essay, I just wanted you guys to know the story, I thought it might help explain how I am feeling.
I havent really been feeling hungry so have stuck to the plan....am struggling emotionally and it has hit me harder then I ever thought it would.
Thanks everyone for being there, it means alot, I definitely find it easier talking on here then with any of my family or friends.
Well done, you all seem to be doing so well xx
. Just in from a lovely meander around Polperro harbour and part of the coastal path - - stunning 
