Major F**k up

[Goreygirl]

Well I have spent the last 3 days on a major binge :'( My sittingroom is a sea of pizza boxes and I have been bouncing between the food and my bed (when I feel emotionally/physically sick from eating). My head has been a mess and rather than actually deal with the stuff in it (or use any of the tools my therapist has advised/taught me) I just defiantly ate and ate and ate to silence the emotions although it didn't really work because the truth has bubbled up anyway.

• I moved back to Ireland from UK last year as I felt really disconnected from everyone and felt a need to go back "to my roots". Although I love living near my sister and being involved with her family and seeing her kids regularly I haven't really built a life for myself outside that as I work from home. The lonelier I got the more I ate and the less confident I got as the weight went up... and around and around the circle went. With CD I have had a chance to "put myself out there" and it scares me to death!
• I work for a UK company from home and have just found out there is a rake of redundancies going on. At present my role is not affected but a "source" has told me our parent company wants to sell our division off in 2011/12; if that happens it's unlikely the new company will want to support my "special" set up. My industry doesn't exist here so the only work option would be to go back to the UK. I have mixed feelings about that as I still have a lot of good friends over there and have been worrying that moving home was a bad decision and a knee jerk reaction to my depression (an escape route) that I dressed up with rational reasons. Finding out about the potential sale has set my head spinning!
• A lot of my therapy has been about how I choose bad relationships to avoid emotional intimacy (sexting with married men, wounded birds etc). I have become more aware of this but a couple of weeks ago found myself planning a dirty weekend away with one of said married men! I dressed it up with all sorts of excuses but deep down felt so disgusted with myself. I cancelled it the other night but the disgust with myself remained. I so wanted to avoid facing this disgust I cancelled my therapy session this morning
• My CDC is wonderful but I am so worried about what her reaction will be. I don't want to face her disappointment in me

I've even been avoiding coming on here because it was an aspect of "reality" I wanted to avoid. I tried to convince myself that setting up the 30 day challenge would get me going but it didn't.

I now feel ready to face up to myself and start CD again tomorrow; in fact I am rather looking forward to regaining the sense of control it gave me. I'm going to ask my therapist can he fit me in later this week (knowing his all seeing eye he probably suspects i'm dodging anyway!).

 

[rainbow27]

sounds like your having a right time of is hun. Look be kind to yourself and take some of your own fab advice, move on now get back on the diet. On the other aspects of your life i dont really have any words of wisdom sorry.
big hugs to you xxx

 

[jillcambridge]

Aw GG - so sorry to hear you've been feeling down. Get back on the wagon chick, face the music with your therapist and CDC and start afresh - hugs to you, hope the redundancies don't happen and you start loving yourself again.

Xxx

 

[miss-r]

Hi GG
i'm sorry that you've had a bad few days.
Well done for facing up to your problems and for starting CD again tomorrow. I don't know what to say to help you but you are clearly trying to deal with your issues, I guess it is not always easy but you are obviously trying to sort your head out which is very admirable. So try not to be too hard on yourself.
I can especially understand your first issue, about going back to ireland. I live away from home and have not really made a life for me here, and i've gained weight because of it. I don't know what to do about it either.

Anyway I just wanted to send you a big hug, sorry I haven't been much help xxx

 

[Less Rotund One]

Hey GG, my heart goes out to you chick.

When I read your post, I really had one of those "there for the Grace of God, go I" moments. It could almost be any of us facing the aftermath of the binge - its one step at a time - and all that's happened is that you have taken one step back rather than forwards - but at least you have stopped yourself at just the one step and seem ready to move forward again.

The best thing is to get straight back to your therapist. Isn't it amazing when we can name our issues and their sources quite easily but struggle to deal with the consequences of them - even though we know our triggers etc. The drive to eat for comfort/control can be overwhelming.

Sending you love and hugs and some positive vibes for getting back on the wagon.

Rosie xxx

 

[PinkMantha]

Hey hun I thought somethin was up! Try keep ya chin up and look forward not bak xxx

 

[rumbly-tums]

Dear GG, hugs and loves my sweets x I did wonder you had gone and was concerned

 

[PinkMantha]

Love u Gg and rumbly my fav girls zz

 

[bellefrogette]

Hi Corey girl,

I hope you can restart with gentliness and focus, a carefull moving away from the emotional whirlwind of the last 3 days. The temptation might be to restart with steely determination , which is fine , but in the midst of that is a person who is hurt and anxious, so take care of her as best you can.The dissapointments of others ( if they even exist) is a distraction you don't need to concern yourself with.

Take good care of you, and dispite it all you can be trusted with yourself.

 

[Tessieg1]

Hi Hon,
Sorry you've had a tough time lately. I also did wonder where you'd got to, and was worried about you.
I can totally empathise with moving away from your family, as I did exactly the same thing (moved from South Africa to the UK) and guess what! I put on weight too.
I hope things work out for you, Hon. I agree with what the others said. Just put this behind you, if you can, speak to your CDC. I'm sure she'll understand. That's what she's there for at the end of the day.

Sending you hugs and hoping you're back to your normal positive self very soon. x

 

[Awaken Me]

Hi GG ((hugs)) you were missed. I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time and I have nothing but admiration for your openess and honesty (there are parts of that post that could have been written by me). The journey you're on isn't just about weight loss, which is hard enough in itself, but you're also dealing with a huge amount of emotional stuff. Be kind to yourself Hun - I know you will get there xx

 

[Setas]

Oh Gg,

sorry you are having such a tough time of it at the moment. Its strange to think of you struggling because you are such a great support to everyone on here - you always have good advice and ideas. Hope you can get back on track really soon, don't hide away from us - there by the grace of god go us all!

Hugs etc

 

[micheleking]

OOO Gorey Girl.. you are strong, shake ur bum and get on with it.. Think positive thoughts and shake off that negativity..forget about the food u ate cos the feelings u hold now will prevent you eating it again!
i hope you feel better today hun , big hugs and a kick up the bum!!! xx

 

[Moleymole]

hope your ok today hun - big ((((((((hugs)))))))) x

 

[GalwayMum]

Gg-
We have an awful lot in common.We should talk in more detail... it's really eerie reading your post that the binge/antecedent and consequences and how you bury it all and the cognitive dissonance is so much like my own, it's so scary.

Makes me feel better myself knowing I'm not alone. I'd really like to have a chat by messenger, phone or whatever.I think it could help us both.

A

 

[Zest for Life]

Stop beating yourself up, you done the right thing and didn't meet up with the married man, you should be giving yourself a big well done!!!
You seem to be into possative therapy so have you heard of the book 'the secret' and the follow up is 'the power' you should order them off amazon, very good.
You really need to build that life for yourself, family very important but we all need freinds and a social life. Sometimes we blame everything on our weight, if I was slim I could do this... If I wasn't fat I would be happy... But truth is, if I was slim I would be happier, but it's not going to change everything and not the only answer.
Well done in everything you have achieved so far, forget the binge not the biggest deal in the world and sounds like you were punishing yourself for almost making a big mistake, but remember you didn't !!!
Honestly, well done x most of us have had a pizza, chocolte or Chinese day aslong as you don't dwell and move on you'll be fine!
Wow long reply, going for a lay down now! x

 

[LV30]

Sending you big hugs and lots of love. You have so many friends on here who love you and look up to you and are all very, very concerned.

You are very brave to come on here and bare your soul to us and we can all empthasise with what you are dealing with. I hope everything works out for you. You really deserve some happiness and it will come. It will. Put the last few days behind you. Deep breath and big step forward. We'll be here for you.

You'd be hugged to death if we were all in the same room!!

 

[Funky Mum]

Lots of love and strength to you. Aknowledging and recognising is half the battle.
I love your quotes and will use them myself (after having a bingeing few weeks myself)
((hugs))

 

[DisneyParis]

I now feel ready to face up to myself and start CD again tomorrow; in fact I am rather looking forward to regaining the sense of control it gave me.

:hug99: Well done for facing up to things. As others have said put the past few days behind you and move on, learn from it. Give yourself the support & encouragement you would to a friend or someone on minimins in the same situation. As my signature says Give yourself the chance you deserve.

From what you've said about your CDC on the team thread, she sounds a really good CDC with years of experience. She's not going to condemn you for having a binge (they happen with most of us), l'm sure she'll be supportive and understanding. Try not to be downhearted with what the scales say this week, next week they'll be lower again.

:hug99: Hope you are having a much better day today. I had better get off the pc now and get clothes/toys decluttering - 38 days till Santa.

 

[Goreygirl]

Hello to all you lovely people

Thank you so much for the support. It's so nice to be able to "own up" here and get so much support.

I'm up today and have gotten showered (for first time in days) and have stripped all the beds. The water is heating for a major house clean because I have discovered that if I take care of the basics around me it makes me feel better (because it makes me feel like I am worth taking care of - bizzare connection but one I read about and tried and it's sooo true!)

Bellefrogget - you are right about the "steely determination"; I was all set for the 5 mile hike of self-flagellation (catholic upbringing lol) but your post brought me up short! I am going to be gentle today; take care of the basics and go to yoga this evening and focus on restarting CD.

The last few days have really shown me how fragile my sense of self still is (even though I have made great progress over the last 8 months) and how some of those old distorted beliefs are still hanging around. Therapy over the last couple of weeks has been particularly difficult and has thrown up lots of things to consider. Ironically at the same time we worked out that I use food for silence - certainly seems like that was what I was trying to do; silence myself, my instincts, my thoughts, my self belief.


Again.. thank you all so so much for the support.