Mark's Diary!

[mark45]

I felt really bad this morning. Still do actually. I was walking in fields local to me and about an hour passed and I literally sat down in the grass and cried. It seems even on the 111th day after declaring my (unrequited) love I am still affected by this.

As I recovered and continued walking I eventually walked passed a couple. They looked happy. I smiled and said 'good morning' (write this down as a personal achievement I never greet people, especially strangers) but as I was walking further down the bridleway I burst out into tears...again. How strange. I've never felt like this over any human before.

111 Days Summary
Start weight: 22st 6lbs
Current weight: 19st 5lbs
Loss: 3st 1lb

This week loss: 6lbs - either my scales are broken or due to stress.

 

[Loz1986]

Oh Mark, it'll get easier but it will take time.

But well done on the weight loss! Over 3 stone - such an achievement! And 6lb in a week is amazing!

 

[Minerva]

Sending you many good wishes and virtual ((hugs)). As Loz said... it will take time to heal, but I do know that right now it hurts and still affects you. Emotional scars sometimes last the longest to heal, but they will...

You've come such a long way, both emotionally and with your fitness goals, you are doing fantastically well. You are dealing with life. You are healing and proactively changing yourself into the best version you can be. You're a brave and strong man Mark. You should be proud of how far you've come. x

 

[Mini]

I felt really bad this morning. Still do actually. I was walking in fields local to me and about an hour passed and I literally sat down in the grass and cried. It seems even on the 111th day after declaring my (unrequited) love I am still affected by this.

As I recovered and continued walking I eventually walked passed a couple. They looked happy. I smiled and said 'good morning' (write this down as a personal achievement I never greet people, especially strangers) but as I was walking further down the bridleway I burst out into tears...again. How strange. I've never felt like this over any human before.

111 Days Summary
Start weight: 22st 6lbs
Current weight: 19st 5lbs
Loss: 3st 1lb

This week loss: 6lbs - either my scales are broken or due to stress.

Mark well done on your weight loss

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time...Grieving has no set period of time, it comes in waves and washes over us when we least expect it, and what I have found is that the years do help to blunt the pain...obviously this person was very special to you and even though it was not to be, does not take from the experience which meant the world to you at that time and still does.

The future holds many possibilities and I do believe there is someone special out there for each one of us if we are open to it. Hold strong, most of us have been where you are now at some point in our lives and have found love again and our hearts have healed and yours will too.

 

[mark45]

Thank you everyone for your consideration. I really appreciate it.

I have been tracking my walks since I got my phone. I have gone out everyday. I have walked approx 40 miles this last 7 days.

I now weigh 19st 3½ lbs

I still feel disgusted by myself. Even more determined to be classified as 'healthy' - maybe then I will be happier with myself.

 

[Loz1986]

Mark, 40 miles in 7 days is amazing - well over 5 miles a day! And look at all the weight you have lost - you're well over half way to getting to your mid-term.

I know what you mean about feeling disgusted with yourself - I am disgusted that I have let myself get to this size. I think it's probably only natural that when people choose to lose weight, we obviously register that something is wrong and experience 'what have I done to myself?' I know I did. Have you tried anything to really let it sink in how much weight you have lost. I know when you start off with a lot of weight to go, losing even a substantial amount of weight can seem small as it is just a drop in the ocean. However, buying newer clothes in your new size, or trying on something you've not worn for a long time because it didn't fit and now does might make you feel better. I found an old pair of jeans this week, I hadn't worn them for years as the waist band was too small, but now they fit and they are my new favourite jeans and the fact they fit makes me feel over the moon!

 

[mark45]

Mark, 40 miles in 7 days is amazing - well over 5 miles a day! And look at all the weight you have lost - you're well over half way to getting to your mid-term.

I know what you mean about feeling disgusted with yourself - I am disgusted that I have let myself get to this size. I think it's probably only natural that when people choose to lose weight, we obviously register that something is wrong and experience 'what have I done to myself?' I know I did. Have you tried anything to really let it sink in how much weight you have lost. I know when you start off with a lot of weight to go, losing even a substantial amount of weight can seem small as it is just a drop in the ocean. However, buying newer clothes in your new size, or trying on something you've not worn for a long time because it didn't fit and now does might make you feel better. I found an old pair of jeans this week, I hadn't worn them for years as the waist band was too small, but now they fit and they are my new favourite jeans and the fact they fit makes me feel over the moon!

One of my colleagues said to me 'you look good' which I was surprised at - nice of him to say. I am lucky my colleagues are supportive of me, in fact they let me have about 10 mins extra break a day because they know the walking route I do on my lunch break...
I know I 'should' feel better about myself but I don't. I think it could be a self-confidence thing, or lack thereof. It is something I am trying to work on. I did some jogging today. 500 metres or so. Got to start from somewhere right?

I am now at 6 notches on my belt. Before I lost weight I used to wear it at 3rd notch. Another colleague suggested that I should buy some new clothes.

I feel reluctant because I will not stop until I am classified as healthy so don't want to spend money now. What do you think?

 

[Pierce]

Clothes can have a profound effect on how you feel.

Buy one outfit that fits you right now for good wear. Not for the future because your taste will change.

When that outfit becomes too big, move it to every day work/rough wear and buy another single outfit.

As for sizing, one T-shirt marked medium might swim on me and a large one will be too tight for comfort. That's just the way they are.

The main thing to remember is your 6 notches down!

Well done and keep up the excellent effort.

 

[Minerva]

I agree with Pierce - a new outfit would really boost your confidence. I find it in myself too, when clothes become baggy and loose, I feel frumpy and actually worse about the loss somehow. ... I don't really like buying clothes (unlike most women ), but it's a necessary evil sometimes.

As for the psychological feeling better about yourself... That is a really tough one. The first time I lost weight, I thought when I got to my goal everything would be solved, all my problems would go away and I'd feel slim and happy. But the truth is, I felt the same. No matter how much I lost, I still felt bad about myself. Even when I got to BMI 18, I still felt the same as when I was at BMI 45. My life was the same as it was before and I still didn't like me. Then I re-gained some weight and REALLY hated myself... but over time, I set out to work on the mental aspect of it all. I tried to find a way to make friends instead of always putting myself down. That internal dialogue is a horrible monster. If you really think about how you talk to yourself, would you talk to another human being that way? Ever? Most probably not. So why do you deserve it? You don't.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive past mistakes and try to let them go. Celebrate the small achievements and if you 'mess up' then console yourself as if you are talking to a dear friend. Actually think the sentence 'If my friend told me this, what would I tell them?'.
This cycle is a hard one to break, but it really can be done, over time. I've had long periods of depression, some serious self-destructive behaviour and still suffer from social anxiety and the like, but if I can turn around the self-hatred... then I do believe you can too. It's not easy. We are always going to be our own worst enemy. But you know? Once that internal dialogue quiets down... everything else does become that little bit easier.

Well done on the exercise, you are doing amazingly well! x

 

[Loz1986]

I think Pierce's idea is a good one about buying just one good outfit and replacing it with a new one when it becomes too big.

Jogging for 500m is a great start - I bet you couldn't have done that before the weight loss? So that's an achievement already.

It's nice that your colleagues are supportive of you. And I'm not surprised they've commented on your weight loss - you've lost so much weight!

 

[mark45]

Clothes can have a profound effect on how you feel.

Buy one outfit that fits you right now for good wear. Not for the future because your taste will change.

When that outfit becomes too big, move it to every day work/rough wear and buy another single outfit.

As for sizing, one T-shirt marked medium might swim on me and a large one will be too tight for comfort. That's just the way they are.

The main thing to remember is your 6 notches down!

Well done and keep up the excellent effort.

Thanks Pierce. Funnily enough today my employer said they will put pay for some new shirts. Quite happy!

I agree with Pierce - a new outfit would really boost your confidence. I find it in myself too, when clothes become baggy and loose, I feel frumpy and actually worse about the loss somehow. ... I don't really like buying clothes (unlike most women ), but it's a necessary evil sometimes.

As for the psychological feeling better about yourself... That is a really tough one. The first time I lost weight, I thought when I got to my goal everything would be solved, all my problems would go away and I'd feel slim and happy. But the truth is, I felt the same. No matter how much I lost, I still felt bad about myself. Even when I got to BMI 18, I still felt the same as when I was at BMI 45. My life was the same as it was before and I still didn't like me. Then I re-gained some weight and REALLY hated myself... but over time, I set out to work on the mental aspect of it all. I tried to find a way to make friends instead of always putting myself down. That internal dialogue is a horrible monster. If you really think about how you talk to yourself, would you talk to another human being that way? Ever? Most probably not. So why do you deserve it? You don't.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive past mistakes and try to let them go. Celebrate the small achievements and if you 'mess up' then console yourself as if you are talking to a dear friend. Actually think the sentence 'If my friend told me this, what would I tell them?'.
This cycle is a hard one to break, but it really can be done, over time. I've had long periods of depression, some serious self-destructive behaviour and still suffer from social anxiety and the like, but if I can turn around the self-hatred... then I do believe you can too. It's not easy. We are always going to be our own worst enemy. But you know? Once that internal dialogue quiets down... everything else does become that little bit easier.

Well done on the exercise, you are doing amazingly well! x

I don't think I have ever gone into a shop and bought an outfit. I just hate it -- probably to do with the whole self-confidence thing. I just rely on Birthday/Christmas presents from family. As you can probably guess my wardrobe is not very colourful.

You've worried me a bit Minerva. I guess we are pretty similar. So I share your (hopefully former) pain. Thanks for the advice I really do appreciate it. As you said, these things take time.
I would like to therefore start this process by recognizing my own achievements by stating I've gone from Obesity Class III to Class I in 126 days
Day before yesterday I walked 13/14 miles and the day before that I did another 12 mile walk.
Today I did some jogging with my personal trainer. Approx. 2km on-off.

I think Pierce's idea is a good one about buying just one good outfit and replacing it with a new one when it becomes too big.

Jogging for 500m is a great start - I bet you couldn't have done that before the weight loss? So that's an achievement already.

It's nice that your colleagues are supportive of you. And I'm not surprised they've commented on your weight loss - you've lost so much weight!

Thanks Loz! You know what I used to feel exhausted walking just 1km, let alone jog anything!

3st 7lbs lost, but 5st 6lbs to go.

You know what? I will make it this time. I'm tired of being fat. That's all I can remember. They call me 'mad/crazy' at work but one thing I have recently learnt is not to delay things in life. That 2 years or whatever it took me to muster up courage to share feelings was a waste of time. I'm glad it happened (eventually) but repulsed that it took so long. On a positive note least now I know at 25 instead of 35.

edit: with all this excitement I forgot to mention I now weigh 18st 13lbs!

 

[Loz1986]

Going from struggling to walk 1km to jogging on/off for 2km, and being able to go out on long walks is such an achievement. And now you're below 19stone, too. You're doing great!

You're starting to sound much more positive, too.

 

[mark45]

Lost 4½ lbs this week.

Averaged 1,861kcal/day through this week. (Target: 1,850/day).
Lots of walking. 56.59 tracked miles this week. (Could be 10% inaccurate).

I've got 3 'secret weapons' on days I want to 'indulge' to have something nice.

1) 36g porridge for breakfast (215kcal w/ s-s milk).
2) 240g rice for lunch (238kcal)
3) Willpower not to eat anything until dinner.

I had proper chip shop chips one day (medium/475g @ 1,135kcal)

Another day I had 4/8 slices of my favourite pizza (Chicago-Town Takeaway 4 Cheese @ 864kcal).

Even had x8 Cadbury Fingers (220kcal) on another.

Did really good. Pleased for myself.

Ok great. Trying to be more positive again. It's just a better way to live I think.

 

[Loz1986]

I know I say this every time, Mark, but you're doing amazing! You're exercising willpower in limiting how much of the foods you love you eat. And nearly 60 miles - that's impressive! Even if it is 10% out, that's still 54 miles, which is 8 miles a day more or less which is really good.

 

[mark45]

Aww thanks Loz

You make me happy saying that.

You may be surprised to know that I did 3.5km (500m walk/500m jog) yesterday! Pleased for myself as the trainer only planned 2.5km.

I noticed we went over our time...at the start of this whole process I can say I really had enough after 40minutes of exercise! *recognition of achievement*.

 

[Minerva]

You know, reading your posts always makes me smile somehow. We're both similar in some ways and every week when you do come around and post an update and list some achievements, I can see you growing as a person, in your own self-worth and slowly realising that you CAN do the things you never thought possible. I know things still get you down, but you are pushing past it all to a better, happier place.

Go Mark! *waves little flag for you*

 

[Loz1986]

Mark - I think that may be the first time you have recognised your own achievement. I don't know whether I feel more pleased of you for that or for the 3.5km!

 

[mark45]

Need all the virtual hugs now.
I have only just began to feel better about myself...until I saw her yesterday.

I always imagined how I would react if I ever saw her again.
I don't think I was...quite ready.
There was so many things I wanted to tell her. To thank her, to make sure she was ok.
But unfortunately all I felt was anger.
She didn't even mention anything about my weight loss.
I was left devastated.

My food diary records 774kcal yesterday. Although this morning (2am) I recorded I had about 600kcal of chocolate.

 

[Loz1986]

I can't find a hug-type smiling, but sending lots of virtual hugs.

You know what, Mark, it's her loss. You seem such a nice man, and if she can't see that, then that's her problem, not yours.

But, don't feel angry, look at what she has led you to achieve, both physically with your weight loss and increased activity, but also emotionally/mentally. Look at how you were when you first started posting in here, and even the top eof the page here, you weren't very positive and didn't seem very confident, and look at you now.

1300 calories - that's OK. So they weren't the healthiest, so what. And I bet you felt sick after eating all that chocolate and won't do it again in a hurry (and that's surely enough of a punishment).

Hope you're feeling a little more positive today.

 

[Mini]

Need all the virtual hugs now.
I have only just began to feel better about myself...until I saw her yesterday.

I always imagined how I would react if I ever saw her again.
I don't think I was...quite ready.
There was so many things I wanted to tell her. To thank her, to make sure she was ok.
But unfortunately all I felt was anger.
She didn't even mention anything about my weight loss.
I was left devastated.

My food diary records 774kcal yesterday. Although this morning (2am) I recorded I had about 600kcal of chocolate.

There comes a time Mark when you just have to move on...I know it is difficult.

Put your energy and focus on yourself and become the best you can be, and often when we are busy enjoying your own life something or someone comes along...because positive, productive energy attracts.