Muffin top / bingo wings / back boobs no more!

Watching paranormal activity.

Am now petrified of the dark.
Forever more.
 
new_mum31 said:
Watching paranormal activity.

Am now petrified of the dark.
Forever more.
Click to expand...

Have you seen woman in black? Dont watch it in the dark on your own lol
 
I'm a bloody coward when it comes to films. Petrified.

Well I just went to my brothers. He's serial yo yo dieter and is like a feeder -he is OBSESSED with feeding elf. Today he tried to give her a frozen milk lolly and a bag of minstrals. She is ten months old. I told him she's not allowed stuff like that. He tried to give her a crisp.

Hubby off out tonight with the alpha male gang. He is so persuadable his mates will tell him something and he will come home all wound up about it.

for example.

Last month his mate told him and swore down blind that our electric steriliser was rubbish and we needed a microwaveable one. And that we shouldn't have a stair gate, we should instead TELL elf not to suicide bungy.

Apart from the fact I disagree why does he believe his mates over me?

And don't get me started when one of there wives tells him something and he tells me after that I'm doing it wrong.

Ie "Pauls wife said you should never do x y z".

I like his friends partners but we are very very different types of people. Most of them don't work and nearly all are very wealthy.

I'm dreading him coming in tonight!
 
Got a text message from the other half.

Apparently Vicky, one of the friends wives, said that the reason elf has had nappy rash was because I USE NAPPY RASH CREAM. She doesn't believe in it

Thanks

Also Vicky wanted to recommend the best baby foods and said to but UHT milk for when elf is on cows milk.
 
I need to confess.

Apt for a Sunday.

I need to confess that I have just "lost it" psychologically with my eating.

I am constantly binging, and binging on a whole new level.

I need penance and importantly I need to get this sorted.

Help.

Ps elf now able to pull her self up on furniture. Current casualties are as follows ;
Coffee table and coasters
The bottom draw in the kitchen. My dish clothes week never recover from being pulled out and screamed at repeatedly by the child banshee.
Side board. Now has teeth marks and snot marks on.and a bum smear on the tiles where she moved her nappy while straining so hard.
 
How is thick sliced toast with half a kilo of lurpak on going to help my ever expanding backside?
 
Of god.

I opened the fridge to put away lurpak and my fricking bingo wing IS SO BIG IT SLAPPED MY BACK BOOBS!!

And now I'm off to the in laws.it gets better
 
Awww good luck with the in laws ..... My advice to you would be:
Don't take any advice, sounds like you're doing a cracking job with elf!


Sent from my eye phone using MiniMins.com mobile app
 
Thanks love.

My mother in law surpassed herself today.

My nephew is soo fat its horrific.he's ten and god love him, he's like a weeble. its obviously his parents fault as he had no medical issues. And they feed him rubbish. Not mother in law had him last week for the day. He asked for a ice cream before his tea, she let him. His tea was steak and chips. She then let him have a ice cream after tea. And then said to me she was worried as he loved fruit and...are you ready

"he can't eat fruit all day, its full of sugar and makes you fat. He loves grapes but they are full of sugar"

Now that's not my child but I was so so angry I just couldn't speak.
 
New mum, you rock !! Have just read whole diary and it has made my weekend (that sounds really sad doesn't it....!!)
Suggest you publish it, out-sell 50 shades and move you, the alpha hubby and the elf about a week's journey away from the mother-in-law from hell....
Just don't stop writing - this is brilliant !! :worthy:
xx
 
Ahhhhhh thanks lycho.

I want a book deal so I can get my stomach and mouth stapled, and hirea chef to make bite size portions of all the foods I love.

And hire one of them fat burning vibrating machines. Not like a rampant rabbit stylee vibrating machine but one of them ones you stand on and apparently loose loads of inches.

I would spend every other hour on the machine to burn off loads of fat.

I would get my boobs done MASSIVE so my waist looks smaller and hire morbidly obese people to stand next to me to make me look slim.

I don't want to have to stop eating nice food see, I think life is to short.

So instead I would use my millions to look slimmer lol

X
 
Love is a verb....

Read on another blog you went to a festival. Was it Kendall calling?

If so, did you see a very drunk, very tall, very posh ginger haired naked man?

He its my brother.

Elf loves drunk uncle professor knobhead
 
Hey New Mum
Sadly I wasn't at Kendall, I would have loved to have been there though!
Maybe next year hehe
I was at a free festival near where I live in Bury, all tribute bands which seemed great after my over indulgence in alcohol!
Have a good day :)


Sent from my eye phone using MiniMins.com mobile app
 
Ahhhh, love my favourite word is "free"

Well today I went on a mission. A walking mission

.I did eleven miles at speed. Eleven!

Elf was a horror today...

That's right its anther poo story.

I am obsessed with my Childs input and output.

She had a full weetabix at about 8. Did first 5 miles. She slept for about half an hour. Then ate nothing at lunch.

Loads and loads of water. Tons. Went on second big walk. She was just so so whinny and not like her at all. Refused to sleep.

Got back and all of a sudden she was starving.have her some sandwich and as I was pottering round the kitchen my cousin was looking after elf. I looked under the high chair and POO was dripping on the floor.

Elf had literally dropped a shitt bomb. It was dripping through the slats in the high chair.

She was making this "aaaahhhhhh" noise. Pure relief on my constipated Childs face.

The cousin is scared of poo. I had to emergency sink bath elf then take high chair into the garden and HOSE PIPE it down. I then had to spray it in bleach and then hose again.

Elf slapped the window and waved at me in delight through the kitchen window
 
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You know you're a mum when your happy your child poos, even it its on the floor as long as they feel better.

Ps rest in peace her poor vest top
 
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Pps before walk and the poo through the high chair episode my very strange ex best mate came round.

She was one of the best mates until she had a baby and developed pregnancy related social dysfunction.
I made up the disease and diagnosed it myself

Her best comments today were;

"your not THAT fat"
"I can't believe elf is still not waking"
"I hope you experience love like I have for my boyfriend sometime"

She weighs more than me
Her child is walking and is older than elf
I have been married for 5 years, been with him for 10.she's only been dating her boyf for 2 years.


Pah. Her child didn't poo on the floor though
 
After all that I ate a cherry scone and a, magnum today. But I did eleven miles!
 
Brilliant!
I quite often say things that I never thought I would. For example I once said to a small child: 'please stop painting your brother'
Elf's episode in the high chair would be described as a 'gusher' in my house! Haha
Your comments make me laugh!


Sent from my eye phone using MiniMins.com mobile app
 
To be fair my friend has always been quirky but her daughter brought on sudden onset social dysfunction.

She's like one of those NCT yummy minus that judges people.... Not that I'm judging all NCT mums, but she definately fits a stereotype

Ps

Elf is back in the so solid crew .....whooop!
 
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