My relationship with food & first days of Cambridge diet

Tanwen

Full Member
Hi guys,
I am quite new here, I've started Cambridge diet on 12.03.2015 and during these days I was analysing my relationship with food. I wrote this "diary", or whatever we shall call it, and I thought I'll share it here with you :).
Tomorrow I'm starting week 4, which is absolutely unbelievable to me, I have my 3rd weighing today, we'll see how it goes :). Enjoy :)

About my relationship with food


As my sister started writing her diary about her experiments with food (she's trying to eat only raw vegetables and fruit), I began to wonder what exactly is my relationship with food. Since my early -teen age I've been.. let's say slightly bigger, but I was never able to confront myself with THE REASON why. Something as simple as moderation in eating didn't work with me and I began to realise this is a bit more complicated than I originally thought.


In last few days I started realising how my day with food works, which hour my munchies start and step by step I wanted to uncover the reasons. I started the Cambridge Weight Plan to help me lose weight and also to keep my distance from food for a bit, so I can evaluate this sick relationship. To make it a bit easier (because I already knew there's not just one reason why I am abusing food), I've created a following observation (I work in a small hotel):


My relationship with food - day one:


5.30am - waking up
6.30am - something very fast at work, piece of toast with butter
9.00am - again something fast, either a toast, or pastry that we wouldn't be able to use next day
12.00pm - 2.00pm - depending on what time I finish at work, I hurry home to eat something very quick.. Aaaand a lot of it (because no one is at home to see me)
3.00pm - I'm having munchies, literally sneaking into the kitchen (even tho I'm at home alone at this point :D ), getting anything, sweet, salty, most importantly A LOT OF IT
5.00pm - I'm starting to cook dinner so it's ready before my other half comes home
6.00pm - Other half came home, we're eating dinner together
7.00pm - Munchies again
8.00pm - Something sweet/salty to movie, or whatever we had planned for the evening.


And theeere is the reason why I have a thick layer of fat underneath my skin :D . No more excuses, I don't really have heavy bones, something's obviously not right in here. My friends and family know that after I've moved to England I've lost a bit of weight. I put it down to stress and the change of environment itself. Last year I've settled down with my boyfriend and since then I started putting the weight back on. Pound by pound (kilo by kilo), the scale (on which I'm always so scared to stand :D ) was suddenly showing 14.8 stones (nearly 94 kg, or 14 stones and 11 pounds, if you'd like).
I wasn't happy with this. I started analysing the reason why I'm eating so much. First I had a short vision from my childhood, where I've received more attention and was praised if I've finished my meal. And this ChildMe was in my stomach now, demanding attention.


Day two: First task: Heal my Inner Child


I imagined myself smaller and smaller and found "stairs" leading towards my stomach. I found myself on sort of a meadow with a tiny house on it. My ChildMe was running towards me and wanted to play games. I happily agreed, but after few minutes, ChildMe said she's hungry and that she wants to eat something. I started explaining to her, that I know why she is hungry and also that she doesn't have to be, because she's getting as much attention and love as she wants without her having to eat anything. The discussion took some time (patient with a child :D ), then she finally understood. I stayed with her for few more minutes, sending her love and compassion and then I left. It was a huge relief and the big NEED TO EAT in my RealMe suddenly stopped.
But I still felt it didn't sort out everything. Why am I eating SO MUCH and SO OFTEN? Again I started analysing what do I actually feel and what am I sub-consciously thinking when I'm eating that much. I found out, it is because I CAN. No one can tell me YOU CAN'T DO THAT, not even myself. So I "secretly" take food to my bedroom to eat it there, so I don't have to sit down to it properly. And then I push it back in my head - it wasn't a normal food, that doesn't count = I haven't eaten properly. SORRY, WHAT :D ?
It was a question of freedom. Freedom of my own choice that I was enjoying so much, that I was actually abusing it, no one could take it away from me. I came up with an affirmation:
"I am an independent woman who doesn't have to justify the freedom of her own decisions!"
Exactly in the same moment as I said this to myself, there was a huge pressure release (which I didn't even realise it was there) from around my chest. Phew, that was something!!
This was the day one of the Cambridge Weight Plan. I've had porridge in the morning which I wasn't so sure about, we'll see tomorrow. Shake for lunch and soup for dinner - enjoyed both :) .


Day three, there's still something not entirely right in here


Well. What about the hunger? I imagined it (probably very lively, 'cause my stomach rumbled :D ) and asked:
"Who, or what are you?"
The answer was: "Hunger!!!"
"I know you are not my hunger, show me what you REALLY are!!!" Was my firm request.
The whole energy started twisting, shifting and opening until it became my TeenageMe and was shouting at me things like:
"I am awful, I hate myself, no one likes me, no one will ever love me, everyone is just hurting me, I am never going to be able to achieve anything, I'm not worth anything..."
Wow. I didn't even try to stop me TeenageMe from shouting, I just smiled, hugged her and was sending her as much love as I could. And into the love I was sending I put all sorts of affirmations, such as:
"I love myself, I forgive myself, I am beatiful, I know I can do anything I want to, etc.."
I have to say, this was the most emotional part. A lot of old issues from my teen age became clearer now, my relationship with my mom for example, which was.. Well, let's just say we didn't really understand each other :D .
I am grateful for this experience, it wasn't easy to talk/write about this, but once I've started, it was getting easier to get it out of my system. I'm looking forward to sorting out more and more stuff from my life :)!


This was the day two of the Cambridge Weight Plan - the porridge this morning didn't want to go down at all, might have to change it later on :D . The funny thing is I am actually enjoying the taste of it, it's just the texture that I don't like, or something.

I haven't written any news since then, I've been quite busy at work and sticking to the diet and I gotta say this page helped me a lot when I needed to get my motivation up :). So THANK YOU ALL :)!!!

XX
 
Hi Hun, thank you very much :))!
I'm actually doing pretty well, doing my 4th week of Cambridge and so far - 1 stone and 5 pounds off, so I'm a happy happy girl :)!

I've noticed some 'psychological' things again few days ago, haven't written them down yet. Basically, probably like a lot of people, I've noticed that as soon as I had a stressful moment, I thought about having a good food and that ''I'll feel alright after that''.. And then I realised what I was actually thinking.. I need to analyse it a bit more and hopefully sort it out :D.

How's you :)?
xx
 
Hi Hun, thank you very much :))!
I'm actually doing pretty well, doing my 4th week of Cambridge and so far - 1 stone and 5 pounds off, so I'm a happy happy girl :)!

I've noticed some 'psychological' things again few days ago, haven't written them down yet. Basically, probably like a lot of people, I've noticed that as soon as I had a stressful moment, I thought about having a good food and that ''I'll feel alright after that''.. And then I realised what I was actually thinking.. I need to analyse it a bit more and hopefully sort it out :D.

How's you :)?
xx

You have definitely inspired me to get up and analyse why I constan make excuses. To do this, I will have to get back on plan tomorrow and start a diary.
You are inspirational x
 
Aaaawh, thank you very much, that's very sweet of you :). I hope your dieting will go well, keep us posted :)!!
xx
 
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