Need advice about financial worries / family / bf etc...

[evilpenguin]

Hi guys

I don't usually post things like this because I don't really like putting my life online, especially when my bf/family know I use this site (they have seen it when I show them recipes etc) but I really don't know what to do just now and I know you folks are always full of great advice... this is going to be a really long post, I will try to keep it short.

First of all, my bf and I live with my parents, and basically my mum and dad are not doing too well financially and are always asking for a loan of money from me and my bf. I'm not working atm so living off a bursary and my bf is paying for everything (except my bills like my mobile etc), so he pays for the car, petrol, shopping, any things I need for college, everything, and then he pays his digs on top of that. So he has budgeted for everything, every penny is spoken for, yes we buy ourselves nice SW food and always have everything we need but that's because we budget for it. Anyway, they ask for money all the time and my bf has occasionally helped them out but recently he has been skint, we had our MOT and needed stuff done so money is tight, so when they asked him for £50 he said no and then they asked me again, as if to change his mind?? so I gave them it from my bursary because none of my bills were due until after they were going to give it back, so it didn't make any difference to me. But this made my bf really angry and he's basically done nothing but argue with me since. This was about 2 weeks ago? Since then we've decided that we're moving out as soon as we have the money, I have contacted my manager to ask to go back to work part time and asap (long story but I'm not unemployed just not in work - sabbatical or w/e it's called) and we've decided to just say no whenever they ask for money and I'm going to try to not be guilt tripped by my mum..... (lots of back story to this that isn't really worth typing, and I know he's right but when it's your own family it's really hard to say no )

Last night my mum was asking about bf's birthday which is in 2 weeks, what I was getting him, if I had any ideas on what she could get him, when I told her I couldn't afford to buy him anything she offered to give me a loan of £20 as she's getting money from my gran and would have it to loan me. When I said that would be great she said she needed to borrow the bus fares to get to my grans, she needed it Monday night and would have it back to me on Tuesday night. Now, I already gave her basically all of my money so I don't have anything to give her, and when I told her this she asked me to ask my bf. This is something he really hates, she never asks him herself, it is always me who has to ask, and he always gets really annoyed with me for asking (that's why we agreed I would just say no whenever she asked).... so I told her I'd see what I could do and just left it.

So this morning I have been putting off texting him because I know he will go mad at me, but imo it's only a few quid for one day and not like she wants £50 or £100 for a month. So I thought ok I'll just text him.... yeah, bad idea. His reply was basically telling me not to bother picking him up from work as he's going to his parents house and not coming back here.

I dunno what I'm supposed to do? It is already really awkward living here, lots of little things that have happened are building up, and I know when we say no to lending money to them it makes the atmosphere worse (because we usually come home with bags of shopping and get dirty looks, as if we should go without so they can have our money) and it feels like it's building up to me falling out with my family. I have already had words with them about money, they are trying to sort it out (have already sorted out 2 debts and are working on clearing the rest with help from a charity) but constantly being asked for a loan of money is putting strain on my relationship with my bf. I have just text her to say that he said no, didn't get a reply and probably won't tbh, but I know she will make us feel like horrible people when she gets in (without even talking, my family are great at creating atmosphere). And my bf isn't even going to be here, unless he gets out of the mood and doesn't go to his parents.

I'm in tears and feel so stuck. He can go to his parents if he wants, I don't blame him, I don't want him to obviously as we have lived together for 3 years, but the last 10 months here have been hell, I wish we could move out but we can't, I can't do anything about this situation and it's driving me crazy.

Has anyone been in this situation? Or have any advice????

 

[icklerockchick]

aww *hugs* financial, boyfriend and family troubles are all rubbish especially when combined!

Is living at your boyfriends' parents out of the question? Any other options at all?

Do they borrow money because they literally need it? A couple friends I know drive me crazy they are constantly borrowing money off various people (not me!) because they have no ability to budget they waste their money on rubbish or frivilous stuff they want before making sure they have enough food to eat or nappies for babies or food for their pets and it really annoys me!!

I also have very little spare cash and a strict budget that I have to stick to, it would be so much easier to just get whatever I want and get myself into lots of debt but I refuse to go down that route. If you stick to your budget then I am of the belief it's your money to spend on what you want and not for others to rely on. Obviously this is harder in practice and especially since you are living with them. As long as you pay a fair and reasonable amount to them in digs then you should explain that to them.

Hope you get something sorted out X

 

[evilpenguin]

Thanks for the reply chick

Living at his parents isn't an option, for lots of reasons, I wish it was because they live in a much better location for both of us. Living there is really only an option for him by himself.

They borrow it to get through, so they buy their fags, food, petrol and bus fares with it. It always annoys my bf that they spend ££££ on alcohol, fags, then they give us dirty looks for eating healthy when they're stuck with oven ready junk from farmfoods because they spent all their money on things that they didn't need. I totally understand the cigs, I used to smoke so I know that they feel like essentials, but if they'd just stop they'd have so much money, over £300 a month I'd say. It annoys us because we budget for everything, so if the stock of cereal bars is going down, we know we have £2 to buy another pack, where as my parents just let stuff run out, like petrol, instead of budgeting to make sure they have enough, but they never run out of booze or fags!!!!

I got myself into debt but I'm slowly climbing out of it, my main debt was paid off last year and now I'm working towards paying off the smaller ones. When I ran out of money I stopped smoking, simple, I had to, but when they run out they just come to us for money to buy things. So frustrating. One of my debts isn't even mine, it's theirs, yet I'm paying towards it because it's the only way it'll get cleared and get off my credit file

I think I'm just going to have to tell them that they need to stop asking for money because we don't have it to give to them and every time they ask it causes a fight between my bf and I. It's so horrible, this whole thing, I feel like I have got no one on my side. I really don't want to have to talk about it with them either, it's so awkward

 

[icklerockchick]

I'm on your virtual side lol Yeh it's not going to be a fun conversation to have but will be best to get it all out in the open with them. Perhaps they don't realise what effect it is having on you.

Yeh that drives me crazy. If you smoke or drink and don't have enough money for basics then get your priorities right *rage* I used to smoke and gave it up because I simply could not afford to do it, my friends go out every Friday night and I'm lucky if I get to go out a couple times a year with them!

Well done you for working through your debt sounds like your parents could take a leaf out your book!

Best of luck having a chat with them I hope they see the light and stop bugging you for money. I would go with explaining that you don't have the money to give them, the effect it's having on your relationship/happiness and perhaps offer to help them to set out a budget? Maybe they just need some help with that? Though it can be hard to get people out of their ruts or see that they are doing anything wrong! x

 

[Princess_Stevie]

They borrow it to get through, so they buy their fags, food, petrol and bus fares with it. It always annoys my bf that they spend ££££ on alcohol, fags, then they give us dirty looks for eating healthy when they're stuck with oven ready junk from farmfoods because they spent all their money on things that they didn't need. I totally understand the cigs, I used to smoke so I know that they feel like essentials, but if they'd just stop they'd have so much money, over £300 a month I'd say. It annoys us because we budget for everything, so if the stock of cereal bars is going down, we know we have £2 to buy another pack, where as my parents just let stuff run out, like petrol, instead of budgeting to make sure they have enough, but they never run out of booze or fags!!!!

Sorry, but IMO "getting through" isn't borrowing money to buy fags with! And that's coming from a smoker.

I'd just tell them straight. It sounds to me like they are well and truly taking advantage of you and your OH.

 

[evilpenguin]

I'm on your virtual side lol Yeh it's not going to be a fun conversation to have but will be best to get it all out in the open with them. Perhaps they don't realise what effect it is having on you.

Yeh that drives me crazy. If you smoke or drink and don't have enough money for basics then get your priorities right *rage* I used to smoke and gave it up because I simply could not afford to do it, my friends go out every Friday night and I'm lucky if I get to go out a couple times a year with them!

Well done you for working through your debt sounds like your parents could take a leaf out your book!

Best of luck having a chat with them I hope they see the light and stop bugging you for money. I would go with explaining that you don't have the money to give them, the effect it's having on your relationship/happiness and perhaps offer to help them to set out a budget? Maybe they just need some help with that? Though it can be hard to get people out of their ruts or see that they are doing anything wrong! x

Hehe thanks! Glad someone is!

I will need to wait until they bring it up themselves, I really don't want to start an argument, because that's what it'll turn into. So if they ask again I'll just hit them with all of this. No point bringing it up just now. It's more me and my bf I'm worried about. He hasn't text back since his rant about not coming home I don't know what he wants me to do.

They don't speak about money with me, never have, it's only when they need it that its mentioned, whenever I ask why they can't afford X or Y, I am told it's none of my business. So offering to help them budget is a bit of a no no seeing as these debts they have aren't my business and I have no idea what they owe or to who, but I have told them exactly what I think of their current budgeting skills. I know that my brother is an idiot with money too and is in so much debt its unreal, and they help him out a lot (again with unneccessary things like nights out or new clothes which drives my bf and I mad!!!) so they are probably skint because of him a lot of the time. Yet whenever I mention this it's again, none of my business!!! But it's my money they want to borrow

Sorry, but IMO "getting through" isn't borrowing money to buy fags with! And that's coming from a smoker.

I'd just tell them straight. It sounds to me like they are well and truly taking advantage of you and your OH.

I know, I have told them this. I stopped smoking when the bank balance said I had to! I didn't run off to borrow from anyone. They can't seem to understand this and like I've said telling them straight is awkward and it needs to be done at the right time. I can't stand having another big argument with everyone. And I'm stuck here, can't move out, and mentally I can't deal with living in a constant battle if we do have a big falling out over me telling them straight