This is probably going to sound pretty crazy as all I did last night was try on a dress but last night was a real turning point for me. I'd even go as far as to say a life changing moment! This will be a long-ish post so I apologise now!
The thing is, all I've ever known is being fat as that's all I've ever been. I remember being at school as a 14/15 year old and I was buying size 18/20 and within a couple of years I could only shop in places like Etam (If you can remember them you get a pat on the back!), Evans and New Look's Inspire range. There are so many factors behind me getting to that point but the biggest one was that I just didn't know how to fix it, I didn't know how to make things better. Life wasn't great back then and I ate to make things better but it never made things better, it just made me fatter.
So like I said, I bought that dress for my aunt's wedding about 3 years ago. It was just after I'd done Cambridge and lost 3 stone, put probably half back on and then was trying to lose some again through healthy eating. I hated shopping at the time, it wasn't a fun experience, I couldn't shop anywhere and nothing ever made me look or feel nice. I had a summer job and had to wait until I got paid to buy an outfit, which meant I had to go shopping the day before the wedding! All I could do was go to the local high street after work and hope I could find something. I went everywhere, Debenhams - nothing fit. Next - nothing fit. TK Maxx - nothing fit. Everywhere, nothing fit. The clothes if 'fat people shops' weren't suitable because apparently fat people never get dressed up for anything! The final place I tried was Monsoon as I had a voucher for there. I picked up the only dress that was suitable and that I could afford in the biggest size that they had it in. Like I said, it didn't really fit, it was tight, uncomfortable, not overly flattering really but I had no other choice and bought it. Since then I've never worn it again because it fit so badly.
I said the other day that I'm currently 3lbs away from my lowest ever adult weight, what I didn't realise is that I've probably not been this weight since I was 14/15. Suddenly I understand why I was so unhappy with myself as a teenager. I tried the dress on but I was already preparing myself for the disappointment, I even told myself not to bother for whatever reason but I did and I'm glad I did. Like I said last night, it fits perfectly. It doesn't 'just' fit. It fits comfortably. I can slide it on without tugging hard and without even undoing the zip. I can bend, slouch and even breathe like a normal person!
Now this is the life changing bit... Never in my life have I felt beautiful, thought that I looked nice in something. Never have I felt proud of myself or my body, I've always just seen the things I need to do better. I've never felt like I was worth anything, to anyone. I've never felt like I could really achieve the things that I wanted to. Today I do. Some how last night, things have just changed for me. I've realised that losing weight and getting to where I want to be isn't a far off dream, it's not something that's just an unreachable and unattainable wish. Today I realised that I might not be where I want to be YET but I can sure as hell be proud of where I've come from. That was actually a very emotional moment for me. I've never felt those things. I have literally never felt so good or so proud about myself as I did last night, all over a dress!
For those of you that know me well, you'll know how much I hate talking about anything weight related, even from a good point of view. Well, last night I put that picture on Facebook and said how it's never fit me, now it does and soon it'll be too small! NEVER done anything like that. Even yesterday dinner time I felt awkward talking to my mum about how much I've lost since starting S&S! Then I was talking to my sister after, telling her how much I've lost since restarting, how much in total, how much left to go and suddenly I didn't care anymore. Suddenly I was able to feel proud of where I'd come from rather than utterly ashamed of where I still am. Suddenly I feel like I have this big confidence in me that's never been there before. I feel like, and this is the biggy, I've actually learned to love myself and accept myself as I am, not for what I could be.
Who'd have thought I'd get all that from trying on a dress!!
or what was the lioness called in Lion King?..just an idea!
