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Nine Ways In Which My Kitten Is A Psychopath

Scarlet Daisy

Hungry For Life
S: 15st0lb C: 10st8lb G: 10st8lb BMI: 23.2 Loss: 4st6lb(29.52%)
#1
I have a boyfriend called Dave, a son called Brandon and a young cat called Stouffer. A few months ago I wrote:

Nine Ways In Which My Kitten Is A Psychopath

The psychopath is defined by a psychological gratification in criminal, sexual, or aggressive impulses and the inability to learn from past mistakes. Individuals with this disorder gain satisfaction through their antisocial behavior and lack remorse for their actions.

1) He sits in your undies, whilst you go to the toilet: Dark and stealthy, it is easy for Stouffer to follow you into the loo unnoticed. Once the door is locked, your underpants (or knickers) are down and the dirty deed has begun...Stouffer emerges from the shadows and climbs into your underwear, as though it were a cat hammock. Rocking gently in your gusset, he stares up with a "We aren't going to hurt each-other ARE WE?" glare, only climbing out when his feline instincts tell him you've "finished".

2) He steals stationery: Stouffer can steal stationery faster than W.H. Smith can sell it...especially pens and pencils. He is quite discerning though, preferring an expensive pen to the more run-of-the-mill Biros. He also knows where to look, taking a pencil from the tool-box, whilst Dave was putting up shelves, and constantly stealing the pens from next to the phone. He likes to run to his lair with them in his mouth, horizontal style but it's only a matter of time until he starts writing.

3) He punches people in the face: Most kittens scratch a bit, or bite. Stouffer prefers to administer a two "handed" punch to the eyes, usually from under a duvet, thus rendering his victim helpless with laughter and temporary agonising blindness.

4) He plays evil "tricks": Like putting a sharp metal clip from a broken picture frame into Brandon's school shoe. Or, more frighteningly, finding broken glass from the same picture (we thought we'd got it all) and leaving it on the seat of our leather sofa. Not to mention "accidentally" tripping us up on the stairs.

5) He stuffs half-open umbrellas behind the upstairs toilet pan: Okay, that was only once. But WEIRD huh?

6) He dabbles with drugs: If anyone leaves out a strip of pills for two mins, he's there trying to steal them. Once he found a small codeine tablet on the floor and carried it, in his mouth, to the front window-sill. If he had swallowed it, he'd be dead...So it's lucky I caught him whilst he was still trying to sell it.

7) He abuses toilet rolls: Stouffer has a favourite "game" where he takes a roll of toilet paper into the (dry) bath and then goes berserk with it for about twenty mins. He has another "game", where he gets the roll on the floor and neatly tears out a finger-sized chunk of paper, right in the middle of each sheet.

8) He poses for porn: Whenever Stouffer's feline senses tell him that a camera is pointing at him, he stops what he is doing and licks his bum-hole, in a truly frightening and lascivious way. Dave had (on his mobile phone) a world-class collection of "ass-to-mouth" cat porn, that he deleted for fear of prosecution. And obviously he didn't like it being on there.

9) He tries to kill Dave: Dave has asthma and he is allergic to cats... So of course, he is the only family member who ever wakes up with Stouffer sitting on his face. Stouffer always looks innocent when Dave survives and chases him off... But that's what a psychopath would do, isn't it?


P.S. Kitten for sale. Small, black, likes pens. Offers accepted.
 
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S: 14st13lb C: 14st7lb BMI: 30 Loss: 0st6lb(2.87%)
#2
Excellent!! you gottta love cats. We get number 7, our cat nina loves to 'make snow' by shredding loo rolls. She also lies on my hubby's lap and dribbles on his groin. doesnt dribble on anyone else-saves it all for him, possibly because he is the most disgusted by it-they just know!!
 

wannabesize10

Silver Member
S: 12st2lb C: 12st2lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 31.1 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#4
That is the funniest post i have read in ages and reminds me of my 1st cat Prince, well he wasn't my 1st as had cats growing up but he was my 1st when i moved out of home,
like Stouffer totally balck and naughty
one thing prince did was climb up doors and sit on the top so when you walked in the room he would try and jump on your head cute as a kitten ...so painful as a full adult :D bless his heart his no longer with us but it's lovely thinking back to his naughty tricks !
wishing you many many years of happiness with Stouffer
 
S: 14st13lb C: 14st7lb BMI: 30 Loss: 0st6lb(2.87%)
#5
perhaps its black cats ? Our Nina is black and i used to have a blck one called Paddy ( sadly got run over) but he used to like to tgrot around the house carrying things in his mouth, favourites were bananas, the bathroom sponge and tampons (thankfully still in their wrapper!!)
 

wannabesize10

Silver Member
S: 12st2lb C: 12st2lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 31.1 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#6
yes i think it must be the magical black cats !!
we have a black labrador she goes down our washing basket and carrys mine or hubby underware around she is 5 rather embarressing when we have guests :eek::D
 

Loupy

Full Member
S: 12st6lb C: 12st5lb G: 8st2lb Loss: 0st1lb(0.57%)
#7
gosh i thought my boy cat was nuts - yours is fabulous!!!
 
#10
This thread cracks me up! I actually adopted a cat a year or so ago and he was very poorly behaved. He was two years old and would make drawing blood a game. Even though he didn't have his front claws, he would dig in with his teeth and back claws for the life of him! He also had a thing for breaking dishes. He managed to break four of my ceramic dishes at the same time! I still don't know how he managed it, but its certainly funny to look back on now!

PS while he didn't get a long with me, I did find him a good home :) Found out I'm a dog person though!
 

NikkiD

Full Member
G: 11st7lb
#12
Ur cat sounds so cute, very funny post. My cats r 13 now and past it with regards to the trouble that kittens get up to, they just sleep (mostly on my clean washing) and eat.
 

Predator

Silver Member
S: 241.8lb C: 212.1lb G: 175lb BMI: 28.8 Loss: 29.7lb(12.28%)
#13
Heheh very funny read, cats can be such mischievous little fellas! :D
 


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