Not enjoying groups

[emmalolz]

Hi everyone, I'm fairly new to SW and been going to meetings for about 8 weeks now.

There's a group of girls at the group that give great advice and support to members, they shout it out in group and the lady running it is always saying how supportive they all are.

However I noticed they only do this to the largest members of the group, never the smaller ones. One week I sat next to them and was talking about my hopes and aims for the week and I saw them all rolling their eyes and heard one mumble that if she was as "small" as me she'd just be grateful.

I feel really belittled now and haven't been to group since. My weight loss has stopped now, I think I've even put some on because I just can't get back to group since that. I thought groups were about supporting everybody, and we all have our own journeys. I realise my starting weight might be other people's target weight, but that's not my fault! I'm overweight, I'm unhappy, I'm unhealthy and I want to change.

Has anyone else had similar experiences or was I just unlucky? I do want to go back but not sure how to get back into it. I can't talk to the leader either as she's constantly saying how proud she is of this group for being supportive, so she won't believe me and I don't want to cause issues.

 

[Pootle]

Keep at it! You chose to join up because you were unhappy with your weight. Don't worry what anyone else says or thinks (they're only jealous and wishing they were as 'slim' as you. Remember, they too are feeling bad about their body image) turn it round and offer them ideas that you've tried. Don't let them push you out, you have just as much right to feel better about your body as they do.

 

[Passion fruit]

I didn't enjoy the groups either as I found them cliquey (is that the right spelling?). I tried 3 different ones and didn't fit in with any of them. If you feel you want to keep going you may have to just go with blinkers on and think 'I deserve to be here just as much as everybody else' and literally block the bitchy ones out. Because their comments have jealously written all over.

 

[emmalolz]

Thank you for replying. They are cliquey yes, and I'm just not like that! I'm there to lose weight and not make friends, but it was really horrible to be made to feel I didn't deserve to be there. I realise all members are different sizes, but it's not my fault I chose to make this change at a lower weight than others did, everyone's journey is their own.

I think both of you are right and I am unhappy with my weight, and I'm unhappy about this now too so the quicker I get back to group and get down to target, the sooner I don't have to see them again thanks for the support!

 

[lookingforme]

Emmalolz you could also think to yourself you are actually in the group, do as you normally would in the week and just pop in for a weigh. tell your Group leader you want a private weigh and you should be able to weigh and leave. I did this with a friend a few years ago it worked great for her, i just left as i can weigh at home, but some people need that drop in and that having to show someone else you are committed but that doesn't have to include the whole group who sound like they don't deserve to be privy to your hard work anyway, so kick them to the kerb and do your own thing

 

[Passion fruit]

That's the spirit. Don't let them be the reason you put back on the weight (it's probably exactly what they would love) use them to your advantage to prove you can do it

 

[Wolf]

I absolutely HATED group. More because of my group leader than the members though. I'm not very outgoing though and in my months at group I never spoke to anyone there and they never spoke to me either. It was horrible. I'm an online member now, use this forum and the SW website/magazine for my motivation and am doing MUCH better than I ever did at group.

Passion Fruit's advice is great, put your head down, blinkers on and focus on why you are there. Stuff the rest of them.

 

[DinoDana]

I had a similar experience at one point, but then I also had a group that were fantastic and really supportive even though I started off slimmer. I still got the odd comments but then people often came to me for advice etc

It's jealousy and do not let them get in the way of your journey, in all honesty they probably didn't realise how hurtful their comments and behaviour was... but that doesn't excuse it.

Either go back to group and ignore them, or start doing it at home. It's harder at home, but you can always use here as a bit of a group instead. I do it from home now and find I can be just as motivated as when I went to group. But I am very strict with myself with regards to weighing and making sure I take note of the WI. So it's there for me to see, I also have some target clothes that I really want to get into and certain targets where I have said once I reach that goal I will treat myself to a little something.

 

[Pootle]

I hated going to group, it used to make me cringe with all the patronising claps and comments. I also used to hate the 'and how much do you want to aim to lose this week?' question. How on earth do I know? I don't have a crystal ball! I'll lose what my body can so long as I stick to plan. Stupid question!

 

[DinoDana]

^^I always hated that question, I always stuck to plan the same and yet could lose between half a lb and 3lb in a week... but usually more like 1lb... if I aimed for 1lb they'd be like ooo why not aim higher and it's like I can't do anymore than what I do... if I aim higher it feels like I've failed if I only lose the lb that I want to aim for.

 

[Doctor Cox]

I honestly don't see a problem with that question, they are asking you to set small targets to motivate yourself towards your goal. Some people just say they don't want to set a target, no big deal.

I honestly enjoy group, i get to see where everyone went wrong in their week and where they went right. It's nice to see people hitting their targets and it helps with motivation. I'm also like a big kid when i get a new sticker haha.

I'm a 27 year old guy that walked into the group by myself, not going to lie, it was a little unnerving but everyone was very welcoming and my consultant goes out of his way to make EVERYONE feel welcome. I always stay at group, i believe it definitely help and you also learn a few good tips and tricks about new low syn items people keep discovering

I'd suggest trying a different group, they probably didn't mean anything by it, you should take it as a compliment but i know where you are coming from, it's a tad ignorant.

 

[DinoDana]

^^That's fair enough if people are allowed to set small targets, but I had times where if I said a lb I would be told it wasn't good enough to aim for just a lb. I suppose it all depends on the different groups, the dynamics of that group and the consultant. I can see how there's no issue with the question if it is approached in the way you put it

 

[Doctor Cox]

Who is telling you it's not enough? your consultant? If anyone tried to belittle someone in my group i can guarantee you that my consultant would go through them for a shortcut. Weight loss is hard enough for some people without condescending immature idiots trying to make you feel worse about yourself.

I would definitely find another group, from what you are saying it seems to be a horrible atmosphere.

 

[Pootle]

The consultant sometimes said 1lb wasn't enough and would push me to go higher.

 

[Wolf]

The consultant makes or breaks the group. The consultant I had at my group was bloody awful. Sooo condescending, complete lack of tact and just generally useless. It was quite funny when a 2nd SW group started up in the same town and people started leaving the group in droves to go to the new one. Not long after that she resigned as consultant. By that point I was so poisoned against groups that I'd decided to go it alone, which I'm still really enjoying.

 

[Determined_one]

Report it to your consultant. The whole point of group is it's supposed to be a safe space where no-one gets judged on their appearance or reasons for being there. You shouldn't be being made to feel like your SW journey is any less important than anyone else in group. If the consultant does nothing maybe look in to finding another group?