Now or Never - of to Neverland!

[Snowy]

Neverland! Never to eat candy or sweets or hamburgers ever again? No. Not that place. I want to go to Neverland where I never have to say "no" because I feel insecure about my weight or simply can't do something because of it but know how to say "no" when I'm full or know it's bad for me. To me the biggest goal is to change my habits. If it comes with a huge loss of weight, well hey, I'm not complaining!

As some of you may have read from my posts I'm currently on day 4. I split the 3rd shake and in about an hour will have the other half, then sleep, then up again at 4 bloody AM. Starting to write this diary seems a good way of channeling that frustration; the one that comes with my tummy roaring for food and my feet aching since they are not used to carrying my weight all day! Afterall I want to be a writer one day!

Atm balancing the meals so I don't have to feel hunger is the biggest issue and hardest stone to break. From now on I'm going to try to split one or even two of the 3 to keep me full and possibly avoid headaches. I can't wait to get into ketosis fully to feel better but part of me is scared; what if I don't get into ketosis at all? What if I'm broken and this is all a waste of time?! :cry:I know that's highly unlikely, but you know how your mind plays tricks on you on your weakest moments!

I am 23 years old and even so, I've managed to been married and divorced. The most weight I gained I gained during and after my relationship with my ex-husband. Needless to say he was worthle... I want to say that, but I just think he got dealt a very bad hand in the game of life and just couldn't manage. Eh well. I don't balme him for my weight, or much else either, for that matter. I got depressed and gained 4.8st in about a year. Later on I fell down the stairs and that caused a spinal disk herniation to kick a fuss. Doctors didn't believe me, they just said I was too heavy and that was why my back was hurting. So for two years I couldn't stand up or walk straight and gained more and more weight. Now don't get me wrong here, I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me! I just feel like sharing where I come from and explain that if what happened to me hadn't happened, I would most certainly not be here today. Again, no missunderstandings, I'd be as heavy, just not ready to lose any of it.

I've kept a diary about 10 years and when I read back on my notes what strikes me most is the fact ever since I was 13, I've thought I was fat, discusting and horrible, worthless even. So here comes the part why do something about it now? Because this Christmas was the first time I ever fully accepted myself for everything that I am (silly me, getting tearyeyed for saying that ). There are multiple reasons for why, but they don't really matter. What matters is that I've felt lost and unconnected to the being of me for as long as I can remember and then suddenly, out of nowhere I connected to this feeling of total selflove, no matter what I looked, felt or sounded like. Thus why I felt I'm ready. Ready to do what's healty and right for me.

All the other times I've tried dieting have been for wrong reasons thus I have given up and continued being miserable. I'm not saying the past 4 days have been easy, quite the opposite. I've felt like gaving more than once! Oh my god, has the image of a Big Mac haunted me! But I'm happy in my mind and therefore more potent to actually pull this through, I believe.:flirt2:

BUT! No more rambling on. If you actually read this far, well , and thank you. I mainly write this for myself, to keep off the cookiejar, but always nice to know I'm not alone

 

[_Flower_]

You are never alone for long on mini's You sound completely in the right place to diet and that is half the battle and splitting the pack is a fab idea, I might try that myself.
Good luck lovely xx

 

[LilyPotter]

Hey hunni, we are all here to support you on your journey. I too went through a bad marriage at 24, I out on a lot of weight through depression of the split, he was a violent man however, 2.5 years ago I met what I can only describe as the man of my dreams. We are happily married and he loves me for who I am. That person WILL walk into your life one day as you really deserve it. I am on the CD for me and I'm loving it! How are you getting on? Xxx

 

[Snowy]

Hi Lily, hi Flower and thanks for reading

Today is the 5th day of my SSing and it hasn't been that bad! Splitting the bag in two kept my hunger away all morning and I felt great (apart from my feet feeling like smush still from yesterday and now even more so from today x_x)

Lily, that person has walked into my life already! If it wasn't for him, I would have probably never reached this point. Maybe I'll write about that today. I met my dearest on a game, last year of senior secondary school. I was 18 and he was 16, which at that moment was of course alot in age difference! He was (and is!) my best friend though and there for me through alot, as I was there for him through alot. As I said we met in a game, he is British and I am Finnish. When I was 19, he flew to Finland and we had lovely time, untill we kissed and I flipped out (since I was in a relationship with my ex-husband, who also is from another country... what's with me and online dating! I mean really!). I cut all ties for as long as I was with my ex. After I had kicked my cheating ex-husband out of the house, one day a mutual friend forced me and my sweetie to talk again. Long story short, we got together and through ups and downs, we have found a place where we are just happy. One reason for doing this is because I want to surprise him when he moves here in August; "look, there's only half of your girlfriend left!".

Aaanyhow. Apart from wanting to snatch a lunch out of my friends hands today, I've felt fairly good. I woke up energized, went to work energized and worked energized (at least untill lunchbreak!). The problem now isn't so much not eating, it's walking and moving around without horrific pain. My feet got to rest for about 30 days and not move one inch if I didn't want to, so of course they are going to feel heavy and unhappy for atleast a week, probably more. Even my supergreat erconomic shoes don't help. But I didn't cry today, when I got home! Ah, well and talk to a horse, it's time to get ready to go meet my CDC for a switch with flavours (I absolutely hate the savory stuff and are switching it today). And after that, half a pack of shake and then off to the night night land!

 

[spangles]

oh snowy, how smart and aware you are for your young age. a couple of honest and moving posts there.

but don't worry. you WILL get into ketosis. I too spent a lot of time worrying, in my first couple of months, that i would be the only person that CD didn't work for, that i'd never lose the weight. i knew it was irrational, but i couldn't help thinking it, and on some level i think it's quite understandable to have that fear.

 

[Snowy]

Thank you spangles, that means alot. But I'm also very childish and naive, but I do hope to stay that way for as long as possible :thankyou: Your weightloss is so impressive! It's really an inspiration

It's day 6! And it's almost over! What! I have my first weigh in tomorrow at 15:30! Sorry for all the yelling but it's exiting I have weighed myself every day and my scale is a bit bad so I'm worried I will have lost way less than it shows and then I'll be all dissapointed. I started drinking the CD juicepowder things. But just one cup a day with some mineral water mixed into it. It's really good after a long day at work; my little treat. Tonight I'm going to have porrige and I can't wait for it, because it's so good and the texture is different from the shakes, obviously. But not just yet, otherwise I will be all hungry in bed again, like last night when I was rolling around for 2 hours.

Last night at the cdc office I was on a verge of crying all the time. I had hard time talking to her and was looking at walls and anything I could to not burst into tears. I wasn't sad or in pain... I was a bit tired, but I finally told her I was about to cry and she said to go ahead, it was normal. And duh, I figured it was, but it didn't make it any less hard to admit!

Work today was hard. Keys didn't work, feet felt heavy and on the way back there was a snowy blizzard and I was covered in melting snow when I got home. And the cafeteria... Oh. My. God. I don't know what you all think about cafeteria food, but here in Finland at least, it's really good. They posted a list of the foods available on the wall across from the door into our breakroom and the cafeteria is about 50 meters to the right. But I shut the door and shaked my shaker till I had a banana drink. And then I went back to work. The temtations are everywhere. Every breakroom has something on the table, today the worst was steamy, freshly baked meatpockets and doghnuts. I swear I almost slipped. I just wanted to take one and hide and eat it. My mouth is watering for thinking back, STOP THOUGHS, NOW! :tear_drop:

One thing I really don't like is the stuff that gets on my teeth... How it makes them feel. I brush and I brush and it wont go away!

Only two days left for the workweek, then I have the challenge of surviving the weekend, which, let me tell you won't be easy. Distractions from food will be way less than now that I work and the fastfoods joints are everywhere. And the pizzaguy will always deliver.... I really think I'm going to give up this weekend. Supposedly it'll take 3 weeks that the graving for food will stop, or almost stop... But I don't know... I'm really cold, I want to sleep. But I have to stay up atleast 2 more hours!

 

[charlie-lauren]

Good luck with your weigh in

You sound like you are in an excellent place to start your journey! I am sure you will do amazingly! Keep us posted on your success!xx

 

[LilyPotter]

Hey hunni, how did you get on? Xxx

 

[Snowy]

Day 7 is almost over! And I'm not hungry... I just feel hollow. Like something is missing. But the time I'm gaining for not having to worry about cooking and stuff, is kinda nice

Had my weigh in, I lost 10,6lbs or 4,8kg ^^
I'm tired now, so I'm going to head for a footbath and bed, but if anyone likes, you can check my vblog on youtube for more feelings for today ^^

 

[Snowy]

Ah day 8! Day by day I'm starting to feel better and less needy. I dont need food and I know that, but I do want it. Very badly. I want real food. Not sweets. I'm not even wanting soda or chocolate, both pretty much discust me (because really, when u think about it only the best quality chocolates are REALLY good, but we eat the cheap crappy stuff anyway for habit and to fool ourselves).

Today unfair thoughts rambages through my mind at lunch break. There I was sitting next to my co-worker who was having chicken soup. At the counter there was soup and Hawaiian cutlets and I was saying no. Some of that food will be left uneaten and tossed away. And I'm sitting there basically wasting it whilst children in Africa are starving to death. It made me feel super ashamed of what I've let myself become; taking food for granted and gulping it down like there is no tomorrow. All the food I've wasted in the past....... And after that came the society.... Everyone wastes food and we all more or less take it for granted.

I find this so sad.

 

[nina]

Just popped over to this thread!

I chuckled..I thought I was the ONLY one in the world who was married and divorced by 23! How naive is that?!lol

Love that you are sharing your thoughts here...this a huge step!

 

[Snowy]

Day 9.

Hey Nina!! Hope you are feeling a bit better.
And yeah I thought for a long time I was the only one too! Think we may have more in common than we think!

So today is the first day of the weekend that I so feared! It hasn't been so bad though. At least not yet. I had my first shake when I woke up (after sleeping for 14 hours. Recharge those batteries I must.) Then I did some work related stuff (I volunteered to make the weekly schedule for me and my partner. It took a long time and I still don't think it's ready completely!). Then I sat online for a while, drinking water (though it seems I've only drank like a liter so far! I need to buy a pitcher and put the whole day in it and then have it on the desk where I can see it all day to drink it all!). I also managed to clean my kitchen, hahaha, week old dishes smelled baaad! But now it looks pretty and tip top and since I don't use it, I doubt I will have to do any of it in a LOOONG time (I hate doing dishes, so much.)

Now, I have an excersise bike. It's brand new, I've had it for a year and have only used it like twice. I took all the stuff I keep on it (clothes mainly) off of it and decided this is it, I have to start using it since I'm doing so well with everything else. I decided I'll bike atleast on the weekends (because there is still a possibility we can start using the gym at work, which I'm going to, because you know, it's so damn convinient.) but try to fit atleast 10 minutes of biketraining into each day after work. I did try it today, but chose the hardest of the settings, by accident and after 10 minutes I was so beat I had to stop. But baby steps, right?! 10 minutes today, 11 tomorrow, 12,13,16,20 and then pretty soon I'll be running a marathon (which is a dream of mine, that I've never shared with anyone because they'd just look at me like "you? but you're fat.").

Now I'm sipping my sweet drink <3 And about to watch Family Guy. Later on today I'll have sauna and then I'm off to bed.

 

[nina]

You know what, I too have secretly wanted to do a marathon...but never tried because I had already told myself that I would definitely fail...ahhhhh that noisy chatterbox played with my thoughts far too long, she has been sacked...but she still knocking on the door when all her belongings have been chucked out. Oh well, hoping time will make her disappear completely.

Great finishing day 9... Here comes day ten...it's all yours!

My nine is just beginning and I stayed home from work again...but it's all good chat later

 

[Snowy]

I found a text I wrote 3 years ago and I felt like sharing it with whomever reads this thread It basically faces the same things I've already written here, but from a perspective of me 3 years ago, when I wasn't ready to change yet. Mind you, it's a fairly long text, so feel free to skip this post entirely!

"I guess everyone realizes something at some point in their life. Some realize things daily, others have that wonderful phenomenon happen to them much, much more rarely. I for one just realized, I am 20 years old, divorced, overweight and seriously struggling towards the way heavy league. I cannot walk two meters without feeling exhausted, my bum hurts most days because I sit on it all the time and my sleeping rhythm, if one could call it that, is nothing more but a mere punch of blurry mess! I quite honestly hate the way my life has become.

Once I was a joyful being. I played outside and wrote stories. I kept a diary and loved to go on to walks or watch TV for few hours. Then computers came and the once something I despised so greatly, addiction to internet, took over my world. I no longer found joy in the everyday tasks; I no longer could spend a day in school without thinking of my online friends or a game or something I had just discovered on the high streams of the web the previous day. I was hooked and this addiction has brought me to this day. Over 30kg heavier, all the joy of life lost; what should I do with my countless days of meaningless wonderings?

I used to wait for a work, wait for another school, maybe university. I used to dream about a family and a marvelous wedding in a big church with my loved ones surrounding me on that very day I could, for once, be the prettiest; you see I was never very secure with my looks, on the contrary, I used to think myself to be less than anyone else because my “ugly” outpost. But I was beautiful, I see it now. I still haven’t destroyed that beauty completely, but it seems to be ever so difficult to fit back into those jeans I used to wear only 2 years ago. In my head I promise things and in my heart I hope for a change, but days go past and hours swim by and there is no difference in what I do, eat or feel. No, as a matter of fact, it all gets worse week by week. As I mentioned I was married. A horrible mistake I made only little more than a year ago. Oh how stupid I was, how naïve to think someone like him could change, could love someone like me; how terribly much I wanted to believe in a lie so that no one could say the famous sentence: “I told you so”.

He was charming. Through the lines of the messages he sent me online, he came through charming, romantic and oh so wonderful. I did not allow myself to think he would do to me what he had done to his ex-fiancée; I truly believed I was the only one getting attention. But no, I found out he had, all that time, even when he was talking to me on the phone, been saying those things to other girls; girls that pretended to be my friends at the same time.

I was shocked, heartbroken. It lasted for days but when the sun shined, it shined more than it had ever shone before. I knew who I was, what I wanted and where I was headed. I did not have an exact plan but I believed in myself and the fact that I was strong and did not need someone by my side. At this time I managed to lose that 8KG of my weight which I’ve recently gotten back doubled.

From all this I think I’ve figured out a man is no good for me. Not a man who is around 24/7. It does not matter how lovely this man is or how much he loves me or I him, but it matters that I cannot think only myself; as I wrote once, when my father and I were arguing: “You cannot demand me to think of others when I am broken and have yet to fix myself. I have to think of myself first.” Sadly, I still need that time for me, for myself and for I, because no matter how much I love someone, how much I want to be with someone I am still the person who is the most important and whom I will spend the rest of my life with. I am also the person who determines the fate of my lifespan, and as it is now, I do not think it will be very long. I really do wish to change and I hope someone, anyone, could give me the keys to find it in me to change me. I know it cannot be done and I have to find away to open those locks by myself. I am sorry Laura, I know I can do better."

I wanted to put this here to remind myself what I've gone through to be where I am and to remind myself that I am super lucky for getting where I have now and not later.

 

[Snowy]

Oh and it's day 10! DOUBLE DIGITS! and I'm going to hit 50 posts on this post! Great! Yay me! It's a gorgeous weather outside but I'm sat here writing. I can't very well go out tho, because it is -15celcius and the only pants that fit me (tsk tsk) are in the laundry. So I will put the laundry on and then go breathe the fresh air from the balcony! I will write more later

 

[nina]

Thank you for sharing your struggle; it strikes a chord and resonates within me.

You ARE lucky to be here today!

Move over day ten...day eleven is on it's way!!

 

[Snowy]

It's been some time

*waves*

It's been a long long time since I wrote anything on here. Quite frankly, I haven't felt like I needed to. Life in general has been smooth, even if exhausting and well work is... what it is.

Anyhow, it's almost day 40 and I'm on week 6 now. 10 more weeks to successfully complete my goal on Cambridge SS diet. After that I'll progress to SS+ and then slowly through the stages 2,3 and 4 till I've hit my goal weight.

I started this journey at 131,4kg. You can see the pound estimates on the bar under my avatar, I'm not going to bother writing them here, sorry1 Right now I weigh 115,3kg which means I've lost over half of my "over 100kg weight". That makes me happier than a bunny in a sea of carrots! :giggle:

Work is stressful, because people are ungrateful and childish, rude and just completely clueless. Since I'm in customer service I can't go and whip them over the head either, sadly. At least if I could talk back, I could feel a bit better about it. But one of the lessons I've learned since going on the diet is that all you need is time for a feeling to pass. And not even that much of time to be quite honest. For work related stuff I only need a couple of days for the rage to pass. For craving something I only need few hours. This experience has taught me a lot about myself that I never believed before. Like that I have an awesome willpower and great self control! :flirt2:

Tomorrow another working week starts. If I can exercise my self control on my financials as well as on this diet, I only have 85 more working days or 17 more weeks of work ahead of me before I can say Sayanora and walk away to hopefully a better job, but if not, then extended summer holidays!

Right now I'm probably going to watch a few movies and write a bit and then go to bed early again to be able to wake up at 4AM. Ugh.

In couple of weeks I'll have to work the weekend as well, which means 12 days of working without a rest. Sounds horrible? I know.

I've updated my youtube, and will update it more often than it's likely I update this, so if anyone wants to see my face talking boring things Kanal von TheFeralia - YouTube, go check it out!