O/T Every mothers nightmare has just happened

Discussion in 'Slimming World' started by charlottegrace1, 9 August 2009 Social URL.

  1. charlottegrace1

    charlottegrace1 Gold Member

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    Where do I start. Yesturday when I was cleaning my daughters room I came accross a packet of contraceptive pills. (No I wasn't snooping they were pokeing out from under the bed). Anyway, I asked her about them and why she was takeing them (could have been something other than the bleedin obvious) but she replied that she wanted to start sleeping with her boyfried of nearly 12months. My heart sank, she is 16 1/2 and he is just 18. Now i know she is leagally old enough and there is nothing I can do about it if it happens, but I just wonder where the respect is for her from her boyfriend and where her self respect is too. Me being me asked her what she thought about saving herself for a long term partner (how long is long term these days) and if another boyfriend at a later date might think less of her for having already slept with someone. She seems to think that I'm a bit behind the times and nobody bothers about that kind of thing anymore, but I don't know, surely there has got to be standards and morals still somewhere in the big wide world. I didn't get cross with her over this I just felt totaly deflated and sad for her. What can I do other than just forgett about it and move on. My spirits need a lift and I need a hug.
    Any advice from mothers who have gone through this would be appreciated.
     
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  3. Joanne24

    Joanne24 Restarting!

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    You daughter has been him for over a year and has taken the very clever step of making sure they are safe and takes the pill.

    I know this might be very hard for you to take it but you sound like your daughter is a very clever girl with her head screwed on. I would be more concerned if she had starting have sex after 2 weeks of knowing him without using contraception and getting herself pregnant.
     
  4. mommyB

    mommyB love it

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    I tend to agree, i can remember my mum finding out that i was on the pill at 17 and hitting the roof but when she calmed down she did admit that if i was gonna do it then she was glad that i'd been sensible

    It may not be what you want for her, but 12 months is a long time for them to have waited and she is trying to 'do the right thing'

    If you make too big a fuss of this ( not quite the phrase i wanted but couldnt think of another way to put it) she may not think that she can talk to you about things in future.

    Best of luck
     
  5. Miss Q

    Miss Q Full Member

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    Hi Charlottegrace, firstly I'm sorry you had such a shock but good on you for keeping your head.

    Now, I'm not a mum and I am only 22 but I think it is impressive that your daughter has given this some thorough thought by preparing to take precautions. Furthermore, she told you the truth when you asked her about the pills, and that is VERY difficult for a sixteen year old to do when faced with the 'sex-talk'.

    Try not to feel 'sad' for her - she is, im afraid, at the age where she can start to make important decisions for herself. Being with someone for a year before thinking about sex shows maturity and strength - there is a LOT of peer pressure around this issue, and I'm sad to say I lost my virginity at a very young age to someone I didnt care about, because all my friends were no longer virgins. I regret it all the time, even now.

    I believe having sex for the first time with someone you know very well and care about, while taking precautions aswell, is a good start for a 'first time'.

    You said you felt 'deflated'....perhaps this is because your little girl is a sensible young woman now?

    You should be proud of your relationship with her and the fact you have obviously raised a very sensible young lady.

    Perhaps you are looking for someone to agree with you on this thread, therefore you don't have to confront the fact that your daughter is thinking of taking a very big step?

    Good luck with this, and well done for not going mad!!

    xxx

    p.s. Wish my mam had still tidied my room when I was 16!!!! :D
     
  6. Lostinmy30's

    Lostinmy30's Member

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    She seems to have been smart and bided her time and all you can do now is talk to her about her reasons why and make sure its not down to pressure or self esteem issues. I have told my daughter 'no under clothes action under 16' and that if she thinks something may be heading that way to speak to me first so we can go speak to someone at our local clinic. The Sandyford Initiative in Glasgow is excellent for things like this - do you have a local clinic for female sexual health - they probably have counsellors she can speak to that would help the two of you work this out?
     
  7. Donnie46

    Donnie46 Slow but sure....

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    Chartlotte I can imagine your dilemma and horror at finding these pills, I bought up a DD and went through all the trials and tribulations that go along with it.

    These day's the youngsters don't have the same 'codes' as we did when growing up and I suppose us as mothers have to learn to live with the times.

    I must also say though that at least your DD is showing good sense by taking the pill, so she is taking some responsibilty for her actions.

    Thinking of you and sending you hugs )))))))hugs((((((( love to you. X
     
  8. lesserme

    lesserme shrinking granny

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    :hug99:

    Its hard to know what to do for the best.
    I feel that 16 is too young.

    Because she never talked to you about it before starting the pill makes me think that she might be ashamed / embarrased or being pushed into it.

    Have you tried talking to her about STD's?

    I guess once they get an idea into their heads there is no turning them and she might be afraid of her boyfriend taking off if she dosen't sleep with him. If that were the cass she'd be better off without him.

    Ach I am waffling :rolleyes: the important thing here is keep the communucation lines opened and try to keep it as civil as possible without it ending up in a shouting match.
     
  9. CHRISR

    CHRISR Gold Member

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    I can feel for you as i have been through the same - a bit of a shock to see your child is growing up and becoming a woman. My girl has only had long term relationships and hasnt slept around even though she was taking the pill. Fortunately we are very close. She never fails to surprise me though and still gives me huge worries (she is 21). So this may just be the start - sorry
     
  10. jacqui35

    jacqui35 Silver Member

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    Hi hun

    Firstly i agree with all other people reguarding your daughter and be proud that you have raised a lovely mature young lady up.

    I think a lot of women need to come to you from around here cos they dont care about there kids and i wouldnt be surprise tht the average kid around here having sex is about 13 which is scary.

    I have a 15 year old boy who is seeing a girl same age, been together nearly 10 months, now i keep saying are youhaving sex and he doesnt go red or anything and says no, so i have to keep quessing at least you no she preparing.

    But sending you loads of :hug99:and cheer up hun :patback:. Its always going to be at the back of your mind,, all you can do is get on today, maybe think of something good.
     
  11. Julianne_julz

    Julianne_julz Bears dont dig on dancin'

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    Hey, I'm 25 and my LO is only 15months so I can't advise from your point of view. But, I was 16.5 and had been with my partner 1yr before taking that step. We were together for 4 years in total and split when he went to Uni. I think your daughter definitely has her head screwed on. It seems kids these days tend to jump into bed with whoever, even having one nighters, but your daughter has waited a whole year and clearly knows what she wants. Also her BF being 18 and waiting for her to be ready is a great sign!! *huge hugs* to you, it must be so hard to think of her growing up in that way.xxx
     
  12. IreneH

    IreneH Gold Member

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    Big ((((hugs)))) from me and I think you have a sensible daughter there.

    Irene xx
     
  13. judimac

    judimac Mad old Bat with Attitude

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    Just to echo what everyones said, she seems to be a sensible girl. But my word it's difficult seeing your baby turn into a sexual being!It takes some getting your head round. Being a Mum can be the hardest job in the world! And letting them make their own mistakes takes courage! You've done a good job.
     
  14. victorial85

    victorial85 A moaning old boot!!!!

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    I agree with everyone else. Sounds like she is being very sensible. Also, has she been discussing this with her boyfriend? IF she has, which is suspect she has been if they have been together that length of time, then I think that the shows great maturity on both their parts.
    Just try to keep communicating with your daughter and allow her to feel you are there at ANY time to talk, thats what my mum did and I was 17 when I first slept with my boyfriend and had been with him for 4 months.
    I hope everything works out well and WELL DONE for being how you have been with her x x x x
     
  15. SpaceAngel

    SpaceAngel I ate my willpower!

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    I think your daughter is amazingly sensible for her age.

    I started taking the pill at 14 and first had sex at 14 with a boy I had been dating for 6mths. I think you will find, sadly, that a lot of girls are having sex a lot younger than 16 now adays.

    I think it's amazing that your daughter can be so open with you about it, and at least she didn't lie to you and say that she was taking them for bad periods.

    I think you can only educate your daughter and make sure she is safe and happy, but she needs to make these decisions herself. Keep things lighthearted, because she may be pushed the other way and not want to share things with you anymore which would be awful for you both.

    You can most certainly pat yourself on the back that you have raised a lovely girl and that at least she is taking precautions, and I think the young man involved needs to be applauded for being happy to wait until she is ready.
     
  16. charlottegrace1

    charlottegrace1 Gold Member

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    Awe thanks my friends for your support in this matter, I am really pleased you think I have raised a "sensible" girl, although sometimes its hard to see that side of it lol. I am gratefull that we can talk about this kind of thing and be open about it, and yes I agree that at least she has waited for nearly a year (hopefully) and is taking precautions. My first reaction deep down inside was to put her boyfriends bo**ocks in a bag and set fire to them lol, but I don't know, people do have life long relationships from this age (a few of my friends only ever had the one boyfriend from 16 and ended up marrying them) don't they so maybe I should just be gratefull she is doing all the right things before hand to be safe, and I am of course. Boyfriend is a nice lad who cares about her a lot, just thought he would respect her for a bit longer than this. I know I'm of the old school with old fashioned morals and standards but its still hard to see your daughter growing up and makeing her own decissions esspecially of this nature, just thought I would have few more years before this one came up . Thanks again for your comments and hugs, I am feeling a little more resigned to the fact today. Oh the joys of parenting. One thing though, it hasn't sent me running for the cakes or chocolate so I'm chalking one up for me on that front. There is hope lol.
     
  17. jennysandercock

    jennysandercock Full Member

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    what a very sensible daughter you have

    cant really add to any thing else been said except i was 16 when i first slept with my boyfriend and 13 years later and a daughter myself we are happily married.

    so you never no he may be the one she spend the rest of her life with
     
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  19. IslandBreeze

    IslandBreeze Castaway

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    I can understand why you're so upset but like most of the others, I have to agree that she sounds like a very sensible girl and as she's over age and been with him for a year, I think you just have to accept the reality of the situation. It is great that she's thought about contraception before starting having sex, so many kids don't think until it's too late.

    The only thing I wanted to add, was maybe you should make sure she understands the other contraception options too. The pill is great but it won't protect against STDs. Also, if she understands about the morning after pill now then she will know that she needs to get to the doctor/chemist within 72 hours if she has some contraceptive accident - forgets pill, pukes etc. Also does she understand the things that can make the pill not work - stomach upset, antibiotics etc. She sounds very well-prepared but I know people older than her who haven't realised the effect of food poisoning etc on the pill so it's worth checking.

    It sounds like you've raised a good kid there.
    x
     
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  20. CHRISR

    CHRISR Gold Member

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    Glad to hear you are feeling better about the situation. I now am worrying about my son nearly 18 like someone said oh the joys of being a parent. Someone once said it gets worse as they older and ,my God where they right LOL x
     
  21. Sticky

    Sticky I will succeed!!!

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    Hi honey -

    I am not a Mum, but I can imagine this would have been a huge shock to you to find. *hugs*

    But, you need to be patting self on back for being a fab Mum. Your daughter is clearly sensible and smart enough to know 2 things: the legal age for this matter and also safe sex (in part - I'll get onto that in a mo).

    She's waited a year and is being smart enough to use contraception to stop pregnancy. The only thing is you might want to have a chat about using other forms also (sure you know what I mean lol).

    I cannot imagine the shock you're going through, but take some comfort in the fact she's not underage and/or pregnant.

    Hugs xxx
     
  22. toofatkat

    toofatkat Not such a fat kat now :)

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    Charlotte. Im with you. My son is 17.5 and is girlfriend is 15. They have been together for 2 years. I know the scenario is on its way but like you am hoping for a few more years yet. They are both very sensible too but if I had just found out like you I would prefer that they used condoms as well as the pill. Not only does this put the 'safe-sex' issue on both of them but also hopefully takes care of the STD side as well as the pregnancy one.
    Good luck, I dont envy you but stay communicating and it'll be ok
     
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