O/T... OH is a Selfish G*t

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by ELAY, 17 July 2009 Social URL.

  1. ELAY

    ELAY Full Member

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    Well the title says it all!

    My OH and I had a big row last night and we've not spoken today.

    Basically, he was going to go out with his friends after work (he works in London) for a few drinks and then come home. But he decided that he wanted to get really drunk at stay one of his mates that lives in London.. (okay fine I don't mind every now and then etc) and now this is what has really peed me off... he says that he needs to go out and relax with friends and get drunk "after all that has gone on recently"!!

    Now he has got a Bloo*dy cheek to even say that...What he has gone through, I'm the one who all the crap has happened to, (Healthwise, My Parents, New car being smacked into etc etc) and I'm the one who has had to sort it all out etc etc.

    It just pee's me off that I look after the kids, do everything round the house, don't go out socially and he has the cheek to say that he needs a night out! Yes he goes to work and has a hard day, but he still sees people, gets to chat to people, goes for nice business lunches & Dinners.

    I've said to him recently that I would like for us to go out for the evening, maybe to a club or maybe theatre and the kids stay at Grandparents... but he said he didn't fancy it.

    I really don't mind him going out etc, but doesn't he understand that I might actually like a night out/chance to have a break or chat with people?

    I'm worried that if something doesn't change I am going to really end up resenting him. We moved 2 years ago to a really small village away from all my friends, and since moving my friends have all kind of stopped texting/calling so I feel quite alone.

    I just want to be noticed and appreciated more. I don't even get a well done for the weight loss etc...

    Sorry for the long waffle....
     
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  3. EllieMellie

    EllieMellie Silver Member

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    I bet you are fuming!
    Can you organise a night out for you and some girlie friends? Leave him to mind the kids for a while? x
     
  4. Reject Doll

    Reject Doll Full Member

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    He sounds like my ex! He always got his night out every week yet wouldn't take me out anywhere. I also lost all my friends. What was left when we split took his side. Please get in touch with old friends somehow before it's too late. Don't end up like me stuck in the house all the time because I have nowhere to go and no-one to go out with.

    He should be taking care of you with what's happened as by an evening your energy level must be low.
     
  5. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    You're too far from me ELAY - otherwise, i'd have taken you under my wing. I could do with a girls night out too.

    Since moving home myself, it has been so hard to 'make new friends'.

    My HB goes out too, and i get a bit miffed.

    I'd defo find some time to 'talk' and let him know how you feel. Other than that, take action woman! Book something, suprise him, ship the kids to the Grandparents and DEMAND ATTENTION!!!!

    Big Hugs x x x
     
  6. curlywurly1234

    curlywurly1234 Cambridge Consultant

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    Awww big hugs hon!!
    You need to organise a girly night out and go out and have some fun..
    Or arrange to go out a night together.
    Perhaps try talking to him and let him know how you feel otherwise it will all build up and then become a bigger issue...
    Chin up hon .. and your doing fab!! X
     
  7. imagisal

    imagisal Full Member

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    Really feel for you.....have been in the same situation. Has he ever stayed home and looked after everything while you have a night away?? I don't think many men (yes there are exceptions but they are in the tiny minority) who have a realistic idea or have experienced the huge amount of work and energy needed to run a home and look after a child. He needs to experience it first hand!! Try and reconnect with friends...if they are real friends they will be happy to hear from you again....or try something new......I joined a local art club when my daughter was 2 because I just had to do SOMETHING for me!! That was 12 years ago and I am now a full time professional artist. Make a stand for what you need.....it sounds like you have been putting everyone else first. Good luck in working things through.... and a big hug.
     
  8. Julie Williams

    Julie Williams Silver Member

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    Aw big hugs dont let it get you down honey, I second what Emma said get the kids sorted out and surprise him, sounds like you need some couple time together xxxx
     
  9. ELAY

    ELAY Full Member

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    Thanks everyone for all your messages...it means a lot x

    He has said to me a couple of times oh you should go out with your friends... but he says it knowing what my "friends" are like... let downs most of the time.

    Also, I don't have any money of my own... he doesn't pay any money into my account (he used to but stopped about a year ago) so if I need any money I have to ask for it... but even when I do get money I never spend it on myself, its always for the kids... which I do not begrudge one little bit!

    He phoned me last night at 1am to say he was having a really good time and was really drunk... what do I need to know that for?

    imagisal... I agree that he doesn't have a clue how much hard work looking after 2 kids (age 3 & 18m) actually is.. he always comes home and says, why haven't you done this, why haven't you done that....erm I've had other things to do. And then when he does actually do a bit of housework, he says that he can see times in the day when I could be doing such and such round the house, but my arguement is when am I supposed to have a shower, sit down, go for a wee even??

    GRRRRRR.... i'm just getting so frustrated with the whole situation and it has slowly been getting worse and worse.

    He now goes to the Gym 4 times a week and is now "concentrating on his abs"... never bothered before!!?? He never says anything nice or loving towards me... I keep saying to him that it would be nice if he said something but it just falls on deaf ears! I know I'm in a real rut of a situation, I do love him and he is a great Dad... but we can't split up as I have absolutely no money of my own, No longer speak to my Parents (completley irrepairable relationship), my brother lives 5hrs away and my friends aren't really that good a friends! So what do I Do?

    xx
     
  10. mollydog

    mollydog Silver Member

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    Organise your own night out and tell him he has to be home to mind kids. Leave place a mess, washing and ironing to be done, homework, dinner dishes and he has to sort it out to get a bit of an idea just what our days are really like.
    I've got a big push on at home with girls keeping there rooms tidy, i'm fed up being the cleaning fairy.
     
  11. lunar jim

    lunar jim Gold Member

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    ***disclaimer*** sorry if anything I say here sounds out of line? And sorry if I'm probing...

    That's a terrible situation Elay IMHO. Every since it became apparent that Mrs L and I were serious about each other we opened a joint account and both our wages get paid into there. Bills etc. are all paid from there and anything left over after that goes on (mostly..) the kids or ourselves. There isn't any 'my money', despite the fact I earn four times as much as Mrs L.

    AFAIAC we're a partnership and it doesn't sound like that is the case for you. TBH it doesn't sound like he respects you very much from you you are saying, or is at least taking you very much for granted. And he pretty much has total control over you!

    You mentioned 'splitting up'. Is that something that might be on the cards, just since you mentioned it is it something that is on your mind?
     
  12. quizzicalgrrl

    quizzicalgrrl Posting Mad!

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    hello darling. don't be sad. you need a plan. the money thing is an untenable situation.
    Please start selling all your old stuff on ebay and all the kids old stuff on ebay secretly and start saving the money just for yourself. even if everything gets better with you and OH you still need money.
    go to moneysavingexpert.com forums in the competition thread and start entering all the free contests. when you win books or whatever sell them on ebay and save the money.

    I am worried about you. PM me your moby # and I will text you ever day to check in and see how you are.

    xx
     
  13. merriefach

    merriefach peeling off the layers

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    Elay, you do have friends, there are hundreds here, found this out recently. My OH used to be just as you described. WOW the rows. Now I'm older, somewhat wiser, I live my life, dont check in with him and things are better. He changed when I started living an idependant life. The suggestion about ebay if really good and by setting up your own account you will have given yourself choice.
    Keep in touch with us all here, shout rant, rave we wont shut you out and ignore your messages.
     
  14. imagisal

    imagisal Full Member

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    Your man sounds totally self centred and self obsessed!! It will probably seem to be a huge mountain to climb to change everything that is not right about your relationship and life. Rather than feeling overwhelmed maybe think of smaller pieces you can put into action...I know it sounds corny but toddler groups, any gyms with a creche any government funded groups or schemes you could do that would be low cost and will get you out in the community making a network of friends...start flexing your independence muscle!! I heard of a lady who wanted to make a purchase without her husband knowing so she always got a few extra quid 'Cashback' doing the weekly Tescos shop...she stashed the cash away untill she had enough and it was masked by the groceries!! It is not ideal (Mr and Mrs Lunar Jim are set up as equal partners which is really healthy and a sign of respect of eachother) You need an emergency fund to do the stuff you need to do! You are worth so much more! Best wishes
     
  15. devilishandsweet

    devilishandsweet 100% all the way!

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    You need to put your foot down if you want him to change, I suggest one night you say to him that you popping out for a couple of hours with some friends (even if you aren't, go for a drive or something) and say that the kids need feeding and bathing etc and make him realise it is not 'easy' to coping with children 24 7.
    Speak to him and tell him how you feel and say that you are NOT going to be treated like this and that you will NOT put up with it anymore. If he throws the money thing back in your face.....say that you would get by somehow and that it doesn't worry you and if it meant that you would have to struggle to make ends meet as you are a person to and deserve social time etc
     
  16. phatmomma

    phatmomma Full Member

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    I read your post with interest. I am wondering whose idea it was to move to a small village away from all of your friends? Am i the only one who thinks that he is trying to control your life by ensuring your at home with the kids all day and since moving you dont have an opportunity to have any kind of social life with friends, even if only an hour for coffee?

    I think he is intimidated that you are losing weight and can only imagine your confidence is increasing with each lb you lose.

    The idea of selling stuff on ebay is a really good one, start saving your own money. As for having no friends or family close so you can't leave? It seems you are very much alone with just your kids for company. Look at it this way, you leave him, you end up on benefits till you can find work, local authority will give you somewhere to live. Most of us have been in this position and have come out the other side unscathed.

    I speak from experience, my ex didn't like me to go out with work colleagues - he openly discouraged it to me. If i wanted to go out he would say no way he was babysitting (err babysitting is not when you look after your own children) yet he could gamble all of 'his' money! Finally we split when he had an affair with the only friend i wasn't discouraged to have. Now almost 4 years later i am happy and go out if/when i want.

    I guess what i am saying is this: if you cant make him change then something has to give. For your sanity and for the sake of your children.

    I hope it all works out how you want it to. fingers crossed for you,.
     
  17. Zoe.D

    Zoe.D loving life

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    Elay, I really feel for you sweetie, what an awful situation to be in. I wish I could add to all of the above but I think it has pretty much been covered. Just wanted to say I hope life gets better for you and that I am sending positve hugs your way. xx
     
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  19. ELAY

    ELAY Full Member

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    Hi Everyone... Wanted to thank you all for such wonderful support!!

    OH and I had a big big Chat over the weekend and I repeated Yet again.. How I felt about the situation we are in.

    He says that he knows he should be more supportive towards me and compliment me more but he says it's just him - he forgets some times! (he never used to be like that, but we have been together for 13 years!!).. I must admit he does always say that he loves me.. but sometimes I just want to hear, "oh you look nice" etc. He says he feels that I don't do enough round the house during the day.. I do admit that I let the kids play etc and then tidy once they have finished the thing they are doing and then when OH gets home, I then tidy up whilst he puts them to bed, but he feels it should be tidied up before he gets home!? (does half hour really make a difference?)

    He says that he would like for me to go out and appreciates that I haven't been out in a long time (my friends can be hard to pin down sometimes)... but he says that because he has a very stressful job (he does work long hrs), has to pay all the bills (especially the way money doesn't go far now) etc he feels that sometimes he needs a night out with friends.

    He has now arranged for us to have a night out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He booked it yesterday, We are off to the Theatre to see Wicked, Dinner at Harvey Nicks (I will not miss that) & Hotel for the 2nd weekend in August! So I am really looking forward to that!!!

    With regards to money, he says he didn't realise that the standing order to my account had stopped (HMMMM??) but he re-set it up, so money will go into my account every week as of Friday! Plus per some of your suggestions.. I have had a good old sort out and am selling loads of stuff on ebay, Kids stuff and mine (thanks to CD!).

    Hopefully the big blow out we have had has helped to bring some issues to the forefront.. he seemed more than willing to listen and try to resolve them, so there is hope there yet!!

    I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS AND ADVISE ..... would it be wrong to say I love you all for that xxx
     
  20. lunar jim

    lunar jim Gold Member

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    Good! I'm glad you are both working things out :)
     
  21. Zoe.D

    Zoe.D loving life

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    I am so pleased for you Elay. That really is great you have had a chat and he has listened and responded. You have been together a long time so it's definately worth fighting for. Good luck for the future xx
     
  22. curlywurly1234

    curlywurly1234 Cambridge Consultant

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    SO pleased for you hon!!! A good old chat does a lot of good sometimes.. Sometimes you need a big argument to sort things out!!
    Well done...... you sound so much happier and you now have lots to look forward to...... sometimes a little lack of communication can cause problems.
    Keep smiling xx
     
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