Official before photo's

[pete10141748]

I've been having a hard time this last month, for various reasons I'm finding it increasingly difficult to justify to myself why I am still putting myself through the PITA that LL has become to me for an unnoticable 1 or 2lbs a weeks loss, when I feel so good about myself both physically and mentally, not to mention that not being able to have anything at all is getting in the way of events that I won't ever get a chance to re-live (brother's engagement party, for one) and it's just generally feeling like now, instead of LL giving me my life back, it's actually getting in the way of they stuff I now want to be doing with the life I have, to the point where I have spent the last fortnight going up and down everyday, snacking here and there, gaining one day, losing the next, then having a huge blowout last weekend in Brighton, following that through all this week and weighing in at 15.11 again yesterday :copon::copon::copon:

Stress is my second trigger and I've felt more stressed this week than I ever remeber being in my entire life, even my degree exams were nothing compare to the sh*t I've been dealing with this week, mainly centered around my OH.
She suffers from bi-polar depression, I know that and accept that sometimes she isn't in the mood to spend time together etc, luckily she seems to be better at weekends which is the only time I get to see her anyway as she is a 3-hour train ride away. Problem is, I haven't been able to get down to see her now for a month, I was supposed to go this weekend but instead I've had to have meetings with my mortgage brokers, estate angent, go to the flat and shop for furniture. Speaking to her about this on Friday, telling her I couldn't go down etc and she's now started blaming me for making her feel depressed as she misses me and I'm "not making time for her", which has hurt me massively, and not I feel like cr@p every day. I know it's not my fault she's depressed, and I know that she doesn't really mean what she is saying, it's the depression that's making her feel that way, but it still hurts to hear the one you love tell you it's your fault they are ill. :sigh: Add to that the fact that an ex of mine from Uni got back in contact via facebook, telling me she really misses me lately, thinking about our time together, asking me to go visit her to "catch up" etc and I'm totally messed up in the head right now.

Anyway, this week my LLC could really tell I am close to giving it up (Foundation, that is, not just 100% off of the diet, I am doing RTM no matter what, don't worry!) so, he gave my my official 'before' pictures as encouragement, and by god they've done just that. I think the side-on one is possibly the worst photo I have ever seen of myself, 23 weeks ago I'd rather have shared my original "topless belly" one than this one (which I did! ).


The only other guy in my group who is not a "newbie" left yesterday to go to RTM, so my group now consists of myself (who the others have nicknamed "the Veteren" lol), and about 5 or 6 others who are weeks 1 or 2, and I suppose that it's been disheartening to see so many guys come and go onto RTM in the time I have been in foundation, but at the same time I suppose that everyone who has left for RTM (or just left feeling they were done) have all been bigger than me by a good 2 stone at least, and in myself I know that if I went to RTM still being (at least) 1 stone heavier then I want to be, I'd feel like I didn't 'belong' there, and would think I'd let myself down by not achieving the goal I set for myself.

Speaking of goals, I'm going to re-adjust mine to 14.7stone. 14 is just too low, I really don't think I am capable of weighing that little, and certainly don't have faith that I could maintain that weight. 15 seems doable, so 14.7 should prepare me well for RTM.


Anyway, I figured that some of you might have noticed that I haven't been around here as much as I normally am and figured I'd explain why. Writing it down has helped actually, so it's a good thing on my part too.

I'm going to make the effort to get back on here more, I think I need to distraction again more than anything.



Anyway, the new pictures are in my sig.
Hope everyone is doing well, I'm catching up on the posts but have over 3000 to read at this point!

Pete
x

 

[loula]

Hi Pete,
I'm new here but just wanted to say you look great in your 'now' pic and you have done so well to come that far.
Loula x

 

[Tange]

Hey Pete,
Sorry you had to go through all that. The only advice I can give you is to remember yourself. Remember that Pete is doing this for Pete.

I keep writing stuff and deleting it cause I am not sure how to say what I want to.

Just keep swimming.

 

[jcjazzy]

Sorry you are having such a crappy time just now Pete. Relationships are hard work,particularly if you live far apart and even more so if one partner has mental health problems.Perhaps when you and OH are feeling better you can sit down and discuss things openly,and you can let her know how hurt you are by her comments.Good luck and keep posting.Your photos are always an inspiration x

 

[daisydoll]

pete
sorry to hear things are tough at the moment.
the pics are good tho - proof, not that you need it, of hw well you have done.
stick with it mate and hope you get to see your gal soon
daisy x

 

[mommyB]

pete, i think we have 'spoken' before, tho i'm not a LL bod. i had actually noticed that you hadnt been around and am glad to see you back.
whatever diet we're on we all have times when we struggle-the losses slow down, other things in life get in the way, we've just been doing it for so long boredom sets in-lots of reasons. sounds a bit like you've arrived here. you've done fantastically so far and obviously have no intention of giving up so just ride this period out and it will sort itself i'm sure.
as for you Oh, sounds like you have alot going on in your own life that needs sorting but still want to spend time with her, i'm sure you'll work something out-dont you work in a school and the easter hols comming up??
Having suffered deppression myself i know that i sometimes say terrible things that i dont really mean, and i know you recognise this yourself but sometimes it helps just to hear from someone else too.
As for the ex on FB do you really want to go there, wont that just cause you even more strife which it sounds like the last thing you need right now
you have come so far, the only way to ensure you wont make it is to give upand none of us want that for you-we want more stories of trousers falling down!!!

 

[Sean(JSF)]

Hi Pete,

Sorry to hear your having such a tough time, but glad you feel able to share with us, it can only help to get these things out into the open.

Cen't give you relationship advice, other then not to take your GF comments to heart, you know she's wrong and doesn't mean it. Just do what feels right to you, but remember that YOU are the most important person and you must remain true to yourself or in the long run the stresses and frustrations will only remain and fester.

I think you're right re the target weight, and can sympathise with you on that (although you've stuck with LL much longer than I have). Again just be true to yourself re the targets. I know how easy it is to continually set lower targets (and seeing the incredible losses on here brings out my competitive streak), but ultimately we've all got to find a level we are happy with and can sustain.

Good luck mate, and keep in touch

 

[SerenityValley]

Hey mate - there's just too much there for me to comment on indepth - so I'll cover some of the mainthings.

Relationship - there are many causes of depression but bi-polar is not caused by someone being "away". The issues are sadly there anyway - and yes, she feels worse, but you're not causing her pain, nor are you removing it. I feel for you both This is a subject I know a fair amount about.

RTM: 14 and a half stone for a bloke like you is a good, healthy weight, so I agree with your changing your target. You're not "fat" in the slightest anymore, and I could not say the same at your weight.

You're hitting the gym a lot I believe - whcih means you're probably at least half a stone heavier in terms of muscle, so 14 and a half stone may well be the same as 14st without exercise. I have a tummy to clear - which could make me under the sort of weight I should be - so I'll be thinner once I exercise but will be the same weight, or higher.

Your ex. How do you feel? You sound like you're feeling very conflicted which given the huge life changes you've made, is not a surprise. I won't advise at all on what to do - but don't let it derail your progress and don't be putting either of them before your needs right now.

The snacking; well it's really tough - I know I'd have been in the same position had I had to return to food for a short period. But right now, it's sabotaging you - because you're already in a position where rtm feels longer off than you want it to be, and snacking (and blowouts) can only cause rtm to start later. So as easy as this is for me to say, and hard as it is for you to do, you need to get through a full week without so much as a crumb of anything that you're not supposed to have. Otherwise you're going to take longer to get to rtm, and possibly still start it before you're happy with the weight you're at.

Good luck mate - and like I told SIIM, these are the times you need the support the most - so don't fade into the background.

 

[pete10141748]

Thanks for the wonderful replies everyone, I'm feeling a lot better today, I'm glad to say

I think yesterday was, basically, a "hit rock bottom" moment for me, today everything seems much clearer. With regards to LL, I've gotten my "first week" mentality returned to me (somehow!) and have found today a breeze so far

With the OH, we're getting together next weekend regardless of what happens and we're going to have a good talk about whether being together is the right thing for us to be doing as it's so stressful/she's not in a good place right now etc. and if we should just call it quits and preserve the 6-year friendship we had before we began this thing. It sounds a like a depressing thing, but I actually feel better knowing that one way or the other, we're going to sort out where we are heading.

Anyway, here's to the next 6 days - it can only get better from here!

 

[JanD]

Hey Pete!

I found this thread of yours because I came across some of your posts last night while searching on various topics. You made so much sense that tonight I'm looking for more of your posts, interested to find more of your words of wisdom.

You are such an inspiration!

We all wobble - it's allowed - and this is a great place to come when that happens and you need support - after all who doesn't sometimes?

You've done and are doing soooo brilliantly. You've got some 'stuff' going on at the moment, be kind to yourself.

Take care. x

 

[kenshin112]

Pete good luck with the OH next week
and Dude i must say your loss on LL till now is encouragement too everyone
well done and god bless

 

[Poppysparkle]

Pete, you look absolutely amazing in your latest pic, and I can't believe that was you in the before - you look like a completely different person!!!

I had no idea you were struggling quite so much and I'm glad you are now feeling more positive. I hope you get things sorted out with your girlfriend and you manage to find a way through it all!

Good luck with the remainder of LL - you are fab and I'm sure you'll find your way just fine.

 

[slendablenda]

Looking good Pete

Well done - back in the zone.
Good luck with the relationship stuff. Not easy, but not a reason to sabotage yourself.
Stick with it - nearly there.

 

[mommyB]

hi pete, just came by to check how you are doing, hope things work out for you-best of luck mate.