Ok tmi maybe but intimacy in relationships.

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by futureyummymummy, 25 March 2009 Social URL.

  1. futureyummymummy

    futureyummymummy Silver Member

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    Hi guys I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar problem to me, god this is embarrassing lol but here goes! :rolleyes:

    Ok so since I've lost weight my husband just doesn't seem interested anymore, I don't know wether it's me or wether he's just generally not in the mood but I'm beginning to feel really unattractive.
    He says' I'm gorgeous and he loves me etc etc but it's rare that I even get anything other than a quick peck on the cheek anymore.

    Has anyone elses husband/partner 'gone off' them after they've lost weight?

    Emma xXx
     
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  3. futureyummymummy

    futureyummymummy Silver Member

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    Yeah and I get nothing apart from I'm tired, busy, stressed, distracted etc etc.

    I'm just getting a bit fed up with it all now!
     
  4. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Hi hon....

    DOn't be embarassed...ever. This is all real life, there is no shame, etc. K? :)

    My hubby has not changed, so I can't really speak from experience.

    Have you told your OH how you feel, and what has his reply been?

    Something we need to remember that this change in us is dramatic for us - but not just us alone. It can stir up a lot of things for our loved ones too, particularly those closest to us. In some men, it brings fear where they may start to feel insecure seeing their wives become "hot".....so he could just be going though an adaptive process to the "new you", that is taking his head some time to get around it all as well. Thats one possibility.

    The other as you say could be yourself, doubting you, and imagining things.

    I think a realllll honest heart to heart would be a good idea, as if you don;t say anything insecurities could start brewing unecisarily, and as we all have learnt from experience that leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.

    Are there other things going on for him? Work stress? Financial worries? Men keep stuff in just as much as us girls do at times, and can be very distracting?

    Try not to worry - and open those doors of honest, open communication and see what he has to say.

    Good luck doll, and keep us posted.

    x
     
  5. Foxtrot

    Foxtrot Is back in the saddle!

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    I was going to say more or less what BL has. So I won't repeat.

    I also think this diet is so intense in such a short time it can become a bit me me me ish. So perhaps stepping back a bit and having a look at his world and seeing what's going on in it. These are hard and fast moving times after all.

    And you have three young children too! When was the last time you managed to farm them out even for an night and just be sexy Emma and this rather cool guy you used to know rather than Mummy and Daddy?
     
  6. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    bl and foxtrot have both said exactly what i would have said!

    A friend of mine has had gastric band surgery and is looking fab - however she is having big probs with her relationship.

    her husband is lovely and never minded when she was big and was supportive when she went for the band - but i don't think he is handling the change in her well at all - so much to the point she is now feeling he doesn't like her anymore, he doesn't want sex, and she is feeling so rejected she is shagging everything that moves....

    they really need to talk but he won't - its really sad and neither of them is happy.

    i'm obviously not saying you will turn into a raving nympho like she has,lol, but i think it is an extreme case of the partner not being able to cope with the physical and attitude/confidence changes .

    Hope you get it sorted

    Daisy x
     
  7. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Yikes.

    I find that terribly terribly sad. :(
     
  8. SexyBecks1

    SexyBecks1 is loving CWP xx

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    Hi Emma,

    I have a similar situation but the opposite way round.

    When I was bigger I wasn't really (and still aren't) that bothered with bedroom antics whereas my OH is. He thinks that because I have lost some weight that i will get my confidence/libido back straight away. But he doesn't understand that it takes a lot more than that.

    We have also had countless arguements about him thinking I will leave him when I have lost all my weight and find someone more attractive. He doesn't understand that I am with him because I love him and not because of what he looks like (not that he is ugly by any means). I may become more outgoing and confident but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him. It's so frustrating and upsetting because I feel like he's accusing me of cheating in the future!!!:banghead:

    Maybe your husband is a bit scared about the change in you and thinks that now you're thin and gorgeous you won't want him anymore. I know it sounds silly to us girls but it's the way self-concious men think I'm afraid.

    I hope you manage to sort things out.

    Hugs x x :hug99:
     
  9. futureyummymummy

    futureyummymummy Silver Member

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    Thanks guys, I'm going to cook him a nice meal tonight and sit down and have a proper chat when the kids are in bed.

    Daisy thats so sad about your friend :( I love my husband dearly and would never even think about going with someone else!

    He's never known me the size I am now, I never thought it would affect things like this but I guess it's all change for him too. Maybe I should try and arrange a 'date' and see if it helps just being us for once!

    Emma xXx
     
  10. SexyBecks1

    SexyBecks1 is loving CWP xx

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    That's a good idea. We did that at the weekend just went into town for a few drinks and it does make the difference. He seems to think we can't do anything on this diet but surely everything doesn't involve eating/drinking!!!

    I am at the size now that I was when we first met so he has never known me smaller either so I am a bit apprehensive myself.

    I think they just need telling straight don't they. I'm sure he will appreciate your honesty and reassurance.

    Hope all goes well x x
     
  11. jcjazzy

    jcjazzy Silver Member

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    Hi Emma, Sorry to hear about your difficulty just now.Like the others have said it may because he is a bit concerned about the potential changes in you.I also think that when you've got 3 young kids (mine's are a bit older) your life revolves around them and their needs. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that you're a couple ,and need to make time to have fun and be romantic.The "date" sounds a good idea.Try and make it a regular occurence if you can,and I'm sure things will improve x
     
  12. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    you are right emma, it's very sad - she is having a great time, but underneath it all its really upsetting.

    i know her husband quite well, tho we only see each other a few times a year and i'm not looking forward to seeing him.
    I'm hoping its just a 'midlife crisis' and she gets tired of what she is doing - but to be fair to her, he refuses to talk about their lack of intimacy and she is feeling very fed up with him.

    I think my hubby is a bit 'worried' about me being more attractive now too - I have been out three times over the last couple of weeks and although he hasn't actually said anything there is definately an 'edge' to his compliments!
    i wouldn't dream of doing anything - tho the attention is nice - we have only been married since july so i'm not bored yet ;)

    daisy x
     
  13. IslandBreeze

    IslandBreeze Castaway

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    Just a random thought - are you still in ketosis on LL? Is it possible he's really sensitive to the icky breath etc but maybe doesn't want to say in case it derails your diet?
     
  14. bekimo

    bekimo Fighting Demons....

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    As I am not in a relationship, my men issues are actually totally the other way round to yours Em!
    More men are interested in me now I am smaller. Including one in particular that I wish had stayed in my past. To say my head is well and truly messed with would be an understatement.
    One thing I do know, men are weird creatures who I will never understand. I'm still working on undertanding the female species and I am one of those!!

    Good luck with hubby. I hope that it all works out. Im sure its just that "change" word we all crave (and fear)!!

    B x
     
  15. futureyummymummy

    futureyummymummy Silver Member

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    Ooo love your hair Beki, you look fab in your new av xXx
     
  16. Foxtrot

    Foxtrot Is back in the saddle!

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    Good luck with your date Emma.

    If there is one more thing I would add it's that there is truley a Venus and Mars thing.

    Women will sit and wait for the man to do all the things he is 'supposed' to know to do. But he doesn't know in reality.

    And men will sit and wait to be told what it is he is 'supposed' to know. But he won't be told because he is already supposed to know it.

    Women, don't assume, TELL THEM!! They are only men and need telling! Hit them with a wet kipper if necessary but if you want a result, tell them what you want the result in.

    Hours of silence and waiting hurt.
     
  17. futureyummymummy

    futureyummymummy Silver Member

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    Well he's come in ate his dinner and gone up to his office saying he'll have to work through the night :(
     
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  19. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    oh dear - can you sort out that date night pretty soon?
    it may be that he is stressed about work and its nothing to do with you why he is being distant?

    daisy x
     
  20. futureyummymummy

    futureyummymummy Silver Member

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    Mmm maybe but it's the fact I know he's sat up there playing games :(
     
  21. Foxtrot

    Foxtrot Is back in the saddle!

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    Well that's a bummer. I wouldn't advise pushing a confrontation at this time of night though. Nothing worse than going to bed on an argument.

    Would you take him up a cup of tea, give him a quick hug and leave? Sort of show him you're trying to be there?
     
  22. pete10141748

    pete10141748 Postaholic

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    Emma, I sympathise and please don't take this the wrong way, but for many of us guys (me included in this!) sitting in our room, alone, playing games is much more theraputic if we are stressed/tired than almost anything else (and that includes spending time with our loved ones). We're not always as social a creature as you ladies like to be; we like to deal with our own issues in our own isolation. I know a problem shared is a problem halved, but to us it's more like a problem shared is a problem burdened on someone else.

    It's most likely nothing to do with you at all, he could be stressed from work, have a problem with one of his friends, or even a friend could have a problem that he is feeling too - we guys don't like to pawn off our problems onto others, especially the ones we love.

    I have seen my parents do this dance for years and years.
    Some nights, they'll be acting like they are 19 with my dad chasing my mum around the living room like a loon; the night after that, after a bad day at work, he'll snap if she says anything at all to him and just go into the study to be alone.

    Give him some time.

    And as was said, it could just be that he is adjusting to the new you that is coming through so obviously now. Don't forget, that looks-wise you are becoming a new person, someone who he doesn't know; strange as it sounds, he might now have to 'learn' to be attracted to this new you, and 'forget' his attraction to the old you. Such a drastic change in so short a time is hard to take in, after all.

    I know that sounds messed up, but sadly we men are pretty messed up creatures most of the time!


    I agree with SB when she says, don't push anything; when he wants something, when he's ready, he'll come to you.
     
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