Hello!,
I’ve been meaning to start this diary for a while now. I’m hoping that writing it all down and ‘honestly’ keeping track of things here (even if no one reads them) will make a difference and this will not just be another failed attempt at losing this weight.
So this is how I got here… (sorry, it’s really long and really boring to read so feel free to skip this bit! I just NEED to get this off my chest to understand why I did this to myself).
I’ve been on a diet for 30 years! Ever since my early teens I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. It’s never been about eating to live; I use food to control my emotions. At first, aged about 13, I discovered that if I didn’t eat much people gave me loads of attention and I could be tiny. And it was easy, I spent my dinner money on cigarettes and didn’t have much of an appetite, too pre-occupied with boys!
. But at 17 I got my heart broken and the only way I thought I would get the attention I craved was to consciously stop eating almost completely. I lost too much weight, I was a mess but if I’m honest I liked the feeling of being in control of something. Eventually I got over him, as you do (hindsight eh?). I turned 18, had a great summer – legal drinking at last and started to eat again. I met my husband Ian just before I was 19, I was 8 ½ stone. Everything was good.
Fast forward a few years and we were living in London, earning loads, out every night and for the first time shopping, cooking and looking after someone else. I loved it, especially the cooking, but it wasn’t long before I put on weight. I wasn’t too bothered because I knew if I stopped eating for a bit it would go. Trouble was, I didn’t smoke anymore and it wasn’t as easy as it used to be. I forced myself to do it though. And so began a cycle, binge, starve, binge starve. The binging got easier and the starving got harder! But my weight levelled at about 10 stone… until I got pregnant! I gave up work, moved back to Milton Keynes and at 23 I had my son. I was so happy, I think I must have just eaten for the entire 9 months! I was probably still a little bit overweight when I got pregnant again when my son was 16 months old. Shortly after my daughter was born I was absolutely horrified, I was 13 stone! I just couldn’t starve myself anymore but didn’t really know how to lose weight healthily. So I plucked up the courage and went to Weight Watchers. To be honest that was easy too, I stuck to my points, went to the meetings, did a bit of exercise and 4 months later I had lost 3 stone. But I was hungry… all the time! I made the mistake of not going to class once I got to goal. I didn’t stay at 10 stone for long, I think it was too thin for me really. I put on a few pounds and pretty much stayed that weight for about 7 years. I joined the gym when the kids went to nursery and had a good routine, 2 hours a day running, rowing and swimming, 5 days a week. Ian worked abroad during this time and even though I knew how to eat properly and did so during the day, in the evenings when I was on my own, I binged! Over time my methods of maintaining my weight got increasingly dodgy as I was always looking for a quicker fix, Cambridge diet, Atkins, diet pills, laxatives, even exercising wearing a bin bag! I think I was eating healthy foods most of the time but obviously too much and at the wrong times, every emotion I encountered had a food solution. And every social occasion involved food and drink, it felt like a constant battle that as I got older got harder to fight. I was losing control.
After 11 years at home looking after the children we moved to a bigger house which meant I had to go to work again. I tried a bit of office work but hated the hours and being away from the children. So I trained to become a driving instructor and it was great – good money, flexible hours and I was my own boss. The downside was sitting in a car all day; eating on the go and having much less time exercise or prepare healthy food for the evening. Ian stopped working abroad so we had much more of a social life, meals out, holidays, and weekends away. Sounds lovely, and it was, I was really happy. But weight wise, it was a recipe for disaster. None of my control strategies worked anymore, the problem was too big! And worse still, I started to accept it!
But not quite… someone told me about Slimming World so I gave it a go. I struggled but it was much more flexible than WW, at least I was never hungry. This was when it was just red and green days. I lost 2 stone but I had a gain and was too embarrassed to get weighed, thought I could get to back under control and then I’d go back. Of course I didn’t, I just put the 2 stone back on! Plus another ½ stone! Fast forward a few more years and this pattern continued, I’ve put on and lost more stones than I care to think about.
Last year, the usual January resolution came. My daughter got a WiiFit for Xmas and we all jumped on (well I didn’t exactly jump) to do our Wii Mi’s. I fully intended to jump off before it came to measuring my weight but my son had the controller and before I realised my weight came up on the screen for all to see. I was mortified, 19st 2lbs! I had never admitted my weight to my family (who are all normal weight) or anyone else for that matter but even I was totally shocked by that number. I had every intention of ‘doing it this time’. I lost a stone but the emotional eating got the better of me yet again. Quite frankly last year was the worst year of my life, both mine and Ian’s businesses had been suffering in the recession and it was just getting worse. Ian’s dad was diagnosed with cancer and now both the children were away at Uni. We were stressed out, everything was changing and I felt completely out of control. I worried constantly and told myself my head wasn’t in the right place to diet.
Before I knew it, it was January again. And despite losing a stone on 2 occasions last year I was now 19st 11lbs! I was kicking myself for wasting yet another year, but I wasn’t even horrified this time round, I think I really had just started to accept that I wouldn’t be able to lose this weight, it was too much and I didn’t have the energy anymore. I half heartedly decided I’d do Slimming World again when the kids went back to Uni and was looking stuff up on t’internet when I remembered Minimins. The first thing I saw was the 6 stone challenge, people just like me with a common aim. I started reading and I don’t think I’ve stopped since!
So here I am, 5 weeks later and 14 ½ lbs lighter. I know how to lose weight using SW and I know it works, I just don’t think the group therapy works well for me. Too much clapping J But from reading and relating to so many other people and actually admitting I’m not in control of this all of the time it’s kind of taken the pressure off me. I’m taking a different approach… day by day. That’s all I have to do, keep going. It’s not all or nothing, I can have a bad day, it’s ok. I have to reprogram my brain and rethink how I interpret the plan. I think I’m actually getting somewhere with that. Its early days and I’ve been here so many times before but already this feels a bit different. I’ve got this big support group and I can talk about whatever I want without being embarrassed. It doesn’t matter if not a soul reads it, it’s out there. I’ve written this for me because all my life I’ve tried to control this on my own, well I can’t. I doubt I’ll ever be able to ask for help face to face but this will do for now.
I’m not sure if I’ll even post this now…
I’ve been meaning to start this diary for a while now. I’m hoping that writing it all down and ‘honestly’ keeping track of things here (even if no one reads them) will make a difference and this will not just be another failed attempt at losing this weight.
So this is how I got here… (sorry, it’s really long and really boring to read so feel free to skip this bit! I just NEED to get this off my chest to understand why I did this to myself).
I’ve been on a diet for 30 years! Ever since my early teens I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. It’s never been about eating to live; I use food to control my emotions. At first, aged about 13, I discovered that if I didn’t eat much people gave me loads of attention and I could be tiny. And it was easy, I spent my dinner money on cigarettes and didn’t have much of an appetite, too pre-occupied with boys!
. But at 17 I got my heart broken and the only way I thought I would get the attention I craved was to consciously stop eating almost completely. I lost too much weight, I was a mess but if I’m honest I liked the feeling of being in control of something. Eventually I got over him, as you do (hindsight eh?). I turned 18, had a great summer – legal drinking at last and started to eat again. I met my husband Ian just before I was 19, I was 8 ½ stone. Everything was good.Fast forward a few years and we were living in London, earning loads, out every night and for the first time shopping, cooking and looking after someone else. I loved it, especially the cooking, but it wasn’t long before I put on weight. I wasn’t too bothered because I knew if I stopped eating for a bit it would go. Trouble was, I didn’t smoke anymore and it wasn’t as easy as it used to be. I forced myself to do it though. And so began a cycle, binge, starve, binge starve. The binging got easier and the starving got harder! But my weight levelled at about 10 stone… until I got pregnant! I gave up work, moved back to Milton Keynes and at 23 I had my son. I was so happy, I think I must have just eaten for the entire 9 months! I was probably still a little bit overweight when I got pregnant again when my son was 16 months old. Shortly after my daughter was born I was absolutely horrified, I was 13 stone! I just couldn’t starve myself anymore but didn’t really know how to lose weight healthily. So I plucked up the courage and went to Weight Watchers. To be honest that was easy too, I stuck to my points, went to the meetings, did a bit of exercise and 4 months later I had lost 3 stone. But I was hungry… all the time! I made the mistake of not going to class once I got to goal. I didn’t stay at 10 stone for long, I think it was too thin for me really. I put on a few pounds and pretty much stayed that weight for about 7 years. I joined the gym when the kids went to nursery and had a good routine, 2 hours a day running, rowing and swimming, 5 days a week. Ian worked abroad during this time and even though I knew how to eat properly and did so during the day, in the evenings when I was on my own, I binged! Over time my methods of maintaining my weight got increasingly dodgy as I was always looking for a quicker fix, Cambridge diet, Atkins, diet pills, laxatives, even exercising wearing a bin bag! I think I was eating healthy foods most of the time but obviously too much and at the wrong times, every emotion I encountered had a food solution. And every social occasion involved food and drink, it felt like a constant battle that as I got older got harder to fight. I was losing control.
After 11 years at home looking after the children we moved to a bigger house which meant I had to go to work again. I tried a bit of office work but hated the hours and being away from the children. So I trained to become a driving instructor and it was great – good money, flexible hours and I was my own boss. The downside was sitting in a car all day; eating on the go and having much less time exercise or prepare healthy food for the evening. Ian stopped working abroad so we had much more of a social life, meals out, holidays, and weekends away. Sounds lovely, and it was, I was really happy. But weight wise, it was a recipe for disaster. None of my control strategies worked anymore, the problem was too big! And worse still, I started to accept it!
But not quite… someone told me about Slimming World so I gave it a go. I struggled but it was much more flexible than WW, at least I was never hungry. This was when it was just red and green days. I lost 2 stone but I had a gain and was too embarrassed to get weighed, thought I could get to back under control and then I’d go back. Of course I didn’t, I just put the 2 stone back on! Plus another ½ stone! Fast forward a few more years and this pattern continued, I’ve put on and lost more stones than I care to think about.
Last year, the usual January resolution came. My daughter got a WiiFit for Xmas and we all jumped on (well I didn’t exactly jump
) to do our Wii Mi’s. I fully intended to jump off before it came to measuring my weight but my son had the controller and before I realised my weight came up on the screen for all to see. I was mortified, 19st 2lbs! I had never admitted my weight to my family (who are all normal weight) or anyone else for that matter but even I was totally shocked by that number. I had every intention of ‘doing it this time’. I lost a stone but the emotional eating got the better of me yet again. Quite frankly last year was the worst year of my life, both mine and Ian’s businesses had been suffering in the recession and it was just getting worse. Ian’s dad was diagnosed with cancer and now both the children were away at Uni. We were stressed out, everything was changing and I felt completely out of control. I worried constantly and told myself my head wasn’t in the right place to diet.Before I knew it, it was January again. And despite losing a stone on 2 occasions last year I was now 19st 11lbs! I was kicking myself for wasting yet another year, but I wasn’t even horrified this time round, I think I really had just started to accept that I wouldn’t be able to lose this weight, it was too much and I didn’t have the energy anymore. I half heartedly decided I’d do Slimming World again when the kids went back to Uni and was looking stuff up on t’internet when I remembered Minimins. The first thing I saw was the 6 stone challenge, people just like me with a common aim. I started reading and I don’t think I’ve stopped since!
So here I am, 5 weeks later and 14 ½ lbs lighter. I know how to lose weight using SW and I know it works, I just don’t think the group therapy works well for me. Too much clapping J But from reading and relating to so many other people and actually admitting I’m not in control of this all of the time it’s kind of taken the pressure off me. I’m taking a different approach… day by day. That’s all I have to do, keep going. It’s not all or nothing, I can have a bad day, it’s ok. I have to reprogram my brain and rethink how I interpret the plan. I think I’m actually getting somewhere with that. Its early days and I’ve been here so many times before but already this feels a bit different. I’ve got this big support group and I can talk about whatever I want without being embarrassed. It doesn’t matter if not a soul reads it, it’s out there. I’ve written this for me because all my life I’ve tried to control this on my own, well I can’t. I doubt I’ll ever be able to ask for help face to face but this will do for now.
I’m not sure if I’ll even post this now…
