online chatting

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Teachya, 24 November 2009 Social URL.

  1. Teachya

    Teachya Member

    Posts:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    15st9lb
    Current Weight:
    13st10lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    1st13lb(12.33%)
    Twice now I have found really secretive texts and emails from and to another woman from my hubby. He says nothing is going on and that he just gets chatting to them.
    We have 2 small children and I have no idea what to do or think.
    Wanted to get it off my chest
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. suepat10

    suepat10 I am one of the 63336

    Posts:
    2,889
    Likes Received:
    88
    Start Weight:
    20st3lb
    Current Weight:
    20st3lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hi

    My OH had this done to him by his ex-wife. His best friend is going through the same thing as his partner is 'chatting' with men - claiming it is innocent but clearly not as she told one (on her Facebook!) not to text as 'he has found out'. A good friend of mine had a live in partner that was 'chatting' with women - he left her for one of them.

    If your husband is just 'chatting' to them why the secrecy? And why the need to give them his mobile number.

    I don't chat with people online but I do have male friends on my Facebook. My OH jokes backwards and forwards with them via me (if that makes sense) even though they've never met (ex-work colleagues of mine etc).

    There's no harm whatsoever in people having friends of the opposite sex but they are being less than honest if they hide parts of their life from them or from you.

    Sorry if I sound a bit harsh and I don't mean to be abrupt, but this needs to be nipped in the bud and he needs to remember his responsibilities.

    Hugest hugs xxxxx
     
  4. Laddiesboy

    Laddiesboy I ♥ Slimming World :)

    Posts:
    1,149
    Likes Received:
    50
    Start Weight:
    24st0lb
    Current Weight:
    17st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st12lb
    Lost(%):
    7st0lb(29.17%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Maybe it is purely innocent, he just thought you might react bad so kept it from you (typical guy answer I know lol).

    But if you feel bad enough to post on here (presumably in secret and he doesn't know) surely you should talk to him about it?
     
  5. Sticky

    Sticky I will succeed!!!

    Posts:
    1,705
    Likes Received:
    88
    Start Weight:
    13st3lb
    Current Weight:
    12st8.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8.5lb(4.59%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hey honey.

    First of all - don't assume the worst yet ok? It might be totally innocent but your OH hid it to stop you assuming anything bad. Yes it's stupid logic, but people act stupidly all the time don't they?

    I am a big believer that relationships work because of communication - I tell my OH everything, even if I know it won't get a good reception. If this is still bothering you, which it clearly is, you have to sit down and talk about it properly. Make sure that this is when you and he can give the topic 100% attention (my mate's wife always rings him at work as she knows he cannot reply, which he says is counter productive and annoys him). Basically, set the time aside and sit down and explain to him how you feel about the secrecy. I guess I am just telling you what I'd do in this situation...which the only way I can reply really. But that is what I would do. I'd tell Jim we needed to talk and ask him to let me finish so I got it all out. I wouldn't accuse him of anything as that will just get his back up - but I'd ask why he felt the need to hide the fact he is chatting to women online and by text. I'd want to know why, and what drove him to doing it. What you hear might not be nice or easy but you need the truth so you can resolve the issue honey - it's the only way. If Jim got defensive or angry about it, I'll be honest - i'd be worried. But I wouldn't back down - but I would stay calm to stop a row. If he kept insisting this was innocent, I'd ask to see an example of an email, chat history etc etc. I'd admit to him that I would know this crosses the trust line, but that it was important to put my mind at rest and that the reason is down to HIS actions not mine. If he couldn't show me something to back up his reasoning, I'd then tell him that his actions were worrying me and that they were not the actions of a man who was not up to something. Tbh that is the point I'd probably lose my cool, and say something like 'if you have anything to say to me, now is the time to say it. So I ask you right now to look me in the eye and tell me if I need to be worried'. Depending on the answer, I'd probably then leave the room to stop ending in a row - rows do nothing good other than cause hurt. Only YOU know what you would do if there was anything bad going on honey - but I sure hope there isn't.

    If you let it bother you it'll get worse, and my feeling would be that if my OH was up to badness and I let it slide after talking about it once, it would make them think it was ok to carry on. Clearly it isn't because you're upset.

    I hope it's ok honey. Relationships are never easy and are very testing so hopefully this is just one of those times and is nothing serious.

    Hugs to you sweetie - we're here for you xxxxx
    xxxxx
     
    Last edited: 25 November 2009
    Ninja likes this.
  6. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

    Posts:
    6,269
    Likes Received:
    205
    Start Weight:
    14st13lb
    Current Weight:
    14st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    SW
    Hey hun.

    I can really only echo what the others have said.

    personally i think you need to sit down with with, as sticky has suggested. the more you let it eat you up inside the worse it will get, and if this does turn out to be completly innocent, you will struggle to move on from it. If he is only 'chatting' then you need to be shown proof, that it isnt what you think, so that you can put your own mind to rest. Also, i do think its innapropriate for these woman to have his mobile number, and i think you should ask him, as his wife to make sure he no longer recieves text messages from them or sends any.

    - my OH sometimes chats to woman i'v never met, that he met a long time ago, or went to school with years ago, or woman who work in the office at his company but rarley sees. Some of these woman i know he has asked out previous to our relationship, or they have approached him. he doesnt always tell me when he's exchanged some messages, and although i'd prefer he did always say, the fact is i don't always tell him when i speak to old boyfriends, or male friends from my past that i no longer see. I know that his messages are never suspicious, and if i mention that iv seen a message, or ask him who he's talking too.. he is always honest and more often than not shows me what he's written. I do trust him, as he does me.. but i know some of the girls that he has been involved with, and they arn't very nice people, and could go out of thier way to try and hurt us.. it's not my place to tell him not to speak to them, as he has done nothing wrong and its not a continuous thing. I am just wary, but, in this case, you obviously think these messages could be somthing to worry about, and it is your place, as his wife to say somthing.. and as your husband, he should be honest and give the situation the attention it needs, to talk it out and resolve this issue.


    *hugs* xxxxxxxxxx
     
  7. charlottegrace1

    charlottegrace1 Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,484
    Likes Received:
    92
    Goal Weight:
    10st10lb
    Diet:
    SW
    As the others have already said, talk to O/H and clear the air over this, but stay calm and rational. If you found the texts and emails then to be honest, he isn't doing a very good job of being secretive is he, he could have just deleted them straightaway if there was anything going on. You do need to handle it the right way hun, he isn't going to be very pleased you have been looking at his texts and emails it could be seen as lack of trust, and nobody likes to think they're not trusted especially by their partner, so just be carefull in how you approach it.
     
  8. Teachya

    Teachya Member

    Posts:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    15st9lb
    Current Weight:
    13st10lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    1st13lb(12.33%)
    thanks for the comments and kind words. My main problem is that these women are strangers, they are not people he went to school with or ex girlfriends but women he has never met. the texts were from one girl and his replies were saying things like I miss you too, he promises me it was a moment of stupidity when our son was first born, a faceless person to talk to about his stresses and when it started to go to far he deleted her and did not reply agaim, the second woman I found emails from yesterday, saying she could not meet up and he said it was a shame as he was looking forwrad to it, i confronted him and he assures me it was 'just something you say' neither fot hem had any intention of meeting and she was over 50 (he is 32), I copied her email address and emailed her asking what was going on and she too says nothing, she is not the sort of person to meet up with strangers and they only spoke about general chitchat.
    I cannot get my head round it, why add people you don't know on facebook? how did his name get to be the friend she added? Why say you are sorry you can't meet up if you never have any intention of doing so!?
    Anyone else have any idea about the appeal of chatting about the weather to someone you have never met?
     
  9. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

    Posts:
    1,308
    Likes Received:
    29
    Start Weight:
    12st6lb
    Current Weight:
    12st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st2lb(1.15%)
    Diet:
    WW
    I don't understand it, but then, logically, you are talking to complete strangers about very intimate matters in your marriage. Sometimes strangers are the best people to talk to. Non-judgemental. No preconceptions. it could be innocent. Talk to him. It's the only way. Talk to him over and over, or until he's so sick of it, it's not worth the hassle. I feel for you. Nothing worse than feeling indecure in your relationship, with two small children to consider. ((((((HUGS))))))))

    Lynda
     
  10. Sticky

    Sticky I will succeed!!!

    Posts:
    1,705
    Likes Received:
    88
    Start Weight:
    13st3lb
    Current Weight:
    12st8.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8.5lb(4.59%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Wow...it doesn't sound great and I'd be worrying the same as you honey. Just speak to him and you'll know deep inside if you believe him or not. Just don't make threats you cannot carry out if anything comes to light...if you know what I mean? Be strong for you and the kids and try to bottom this out. It's not a good situation and I really feel for you. It's not going to be easy to talk - but you have to. Like has been said - if you let it go it'll eat you away inside and drive you mad.

    Thoughts are with you...much love x
     
  11. FatBoy-SlimGirl

    FatBoy-SlimGirl Member

    Posts:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    15st10lb
    Current Weight:
    15st3lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st8lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.18%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Im afraid that from a male point of view, - If I was you, I would smell a rat, and tread very carefully.

    Blokes 99% of the time don't 'chat' to women. They 'chat them up'.
     
  12. victorial85

    victorial85 A moaning old boot!!!!

    Posts:
    430
    Likes Received:
    25
    Start Weight:
    16st9lb
    Current Weight:
    12st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    4st2lb(24.89%)
    Diet:
    Slimming world
    I think that the appeal of chatting to somebody you dont know is that you can be somebody else............or the person you would ideally like to be. I agree with evrybody else and you need to talk to him and see what he says. If he enjoys doing this because of pretending he could be somebody else, ask him what you can do to help him become the person he wants to be! Does that make sense? Everything is probably innocent enough and that is why he doesnt meet up with them, that would only ruin the illusion of who they are pretending to be.

    Relationships are never easy and communication is KEY, so keep at it, talk to him and listen to each others point of view.

    GOOD LUCK x x x x x x
     
  13. Scarlet Daisy

    Scarlet Daisy Hungry For Life

    Posts:
    835
    Likes Received:
    72
    Start Weight:
    15st0lb
    Current Weight:
    10st8lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st8lb
    Lost(%):
    4st6lb(29.52%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hmmm. I met my boyfriend online, when I was married (still not divorced yet) and he had a girlfriend (but she lived in America, so only saw him when she flew over). We were both unhappy in our relationships and we got on so well that our friendship ended up with us dumping our partners and living together!

    Some people like to play around online as an "escape" from reality but then again, on the internet things can get intense pretty quickly - with both parties feeling like they aren't really crossing any line, because they are not actually "together". Then, before they know it they want to meet up...And if the chemistry is right, it can become more serious. I'm 51 and my b/f is 29, so age isn't an excuse to say it is "innocent".

    Having said all that, your husband might just be flattered by all the attention he gets online and he might be fully capable of flirting without actually meaning anything.

    I would tell him that cheating online is still cheating and that talking about meeting up is equivalent to you getting a guy's number in a bar and then wanting to hang out - which I'm sure your hubby would disapprove of.

    Old friends on Facebook are one thing (and some of my OH's old contacts annoy me) but trawling the internet for new female "buddies" is suspect. It is the behaviour of someone who feels discontented with what they have, so maybe he should tell you what he wants and isn't getting at home.

    I'm so sorry you are having to put up with this c**p.
     
  14. Julianne_julz

    Julianne_julz Bears dont dig on dancin'

    Posts:
    1,136
    Likes Received:
    30
    Totally agree that you really need to talk to him. I can't really say anything that hasn't been said already, just want to offer hugs.xx
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...