Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Dokusho_yoku, 11 April 2014 Social URL.

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  1. Dokusho_yoku

    Dokusho_yoku Full Member

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    This is the first time I have posted this on an anonymous forum for others to read. Last year I lost my Granddad in August after a long battle with Cancer.

    I had been studying Creative Writing up until last April when it became too much, working full time, studying part time, and helping out with my Granddad. The last assignment I did was a poetry assignment. I wrote a poem about him and my Nan, and let them read it. This is the poem I wrote for the assignment.

    It is the first and only poem I have ever written, as poetry was never my strong point.

    I would just like peoples honest opinion on the poem.


    My heart breaks for them
    But I keep it all inside.
    How can a single six letter word
    Tear apart someone’s world.

    Together forever, well for as long
    as I can remember.
    They are each other’s rock and the world.
    This disease is ruining that, however
    Their own eccentricities are still there.

    It happened once before and he beat it.
    Can it happen again? Will it be a miracle?
    I may not be religious but
    I pray in my heart for the both of them.

    Three trips to the hospital
    In a two week stint finally
    He is put under, what will they find.
    Waiting patiently trying not to worry.

    Looking at the phone every time it rings.
    Fearing for the worst and hoping for the best.
    Stupid cold caller not understanding.
    I need the line clear for the call.

    Finally the call I’ve been waiting for comes through.
    Heart beating wildly inside my rib cage.
    It falls into my stomach when I hear.
    They didn’t remove it, it’s still there.

    So that was it. What do people think?

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  3. trimlee

    trimlee Love God; Love People

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    Just came across this. First of all, I am sorry to hear of the painful loss of your grandfather.

    There are no wrongs or rights about poetry, I think. It is just a way of expressing yourself. Personally, I would like to have known your conclusions at the end of your poem; it did seem like the poem ended abruptly -although you may have done that on purpose. Hold on to the hope of Eternal Life -John 17:3, and keep writing!
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