Self confidence, body conscious, sex and a lot of other rambles!

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by tokenfatgirl, 4 April 2010 Social URL.

  1. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Member

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    So ive got a question and was wondering if anyone could share their experience or advice with me.

    Im 22, ive never had a proper relationship. I mean, there have been guys that ive been out on a few 'dates' with and stuff, i hate the word date, makes me feel about 13! But never really turned into a relationship. Whether thats them or me i dont know.

    Everyone says how im this really confident person who is happy to talk to people and who everyone likes and stuff. But i really dont feel that way at all. So either i am confident but dont feel it, which doesnt really make much sense. Or ive got good at making it seem like i am while inside im not.

    So theres been a few guys in the past who have shown an interest in me beyond a couple of dates but it seems im a cynic. I find it difficult to believe that a guy will ever actually really like me. Its like if a guy who is at least semi good looking tries chatting to me while im out i assume one of two things either a) hes blind b) its a joke or c) hes a mentalist.

    So I got kind of bullied into joining this dating site. Well not bullied but it got to a point where i did it just to shut him up. And now Ive been chatting to this guy for a few weeks and he seems really nice. We've chatted on the phone a few times, the first time was for almost 6 hours until 4am! He actually doesnt live very far away and so has talked about meeting up a few times and has suggested monday.

    I just dont know what to do though. Im actually kinda scared that he'll turn up and just be like oh... and be disappointed and not interested anymore. He's seen photos as there were some on the dating site, ive text him some and he added me on facebook, but yet I somehow feel like he doesnt really realise how fat I am and maybe expects a slightly chubby girl or something. So I dont know if I want to meet him in case that happens. I dont know. What do you guys think? Any advice or experiences to share?

    And then, my other thing is a bit more embarrassing really. Well not embarrassing, I dont know. Basically, Ive never had sex. The idea of someone seeing me naked is not a good one! It wont help that theres not been a person so far that ive particularly wanted to sleep with enough to want to get my kit off in front of them, but im not sure ill ever want to to be honest. Its like in my head even though I know my clothes dont exactly hide that im fat they do hide the extent of my lumps and bumps. Its like while youre dressed there are so many things that you can do to feel good about yourself. Nice clothes that you feel confident in, nice shoes, all that kind of thing but theres nothing you can do whilst naked. Youre just naked! Please tell me im not the only one who feels like this! How do you get passed it?

    Sorry that was a really long message. All of my friends are like size 8-14 so i dont think theyd really understand so i dont really have anyone to talk to about it all. Apart from one friend who just tells me that i should go for it and that im not fat, even though im 5-6 stone overweight, apparently im not fat, im tall and carry it well and am really pretty. But im not. Or I certainly dont feel it. And i certainly dont think that guys think it.
     
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  3. breadbin

    breadbin Full Member

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    tfg - i say go for it, as a guy i can tell you that we have just as much going on upstairs as ye women about how we might look naked etc. etc. think on the positive side, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you:) i know from my experience that i felt so good after doing something that scares me and really theres nothing to be afraid of. the worst thing that can happen is that you meet up for a meal or something and if the weight bothers him then he might not ring you again right? the best thing far outweighs that in my opinion. and as for the sex, all men don't fancy the same women i.e. barbies etc so just enjoy it if it happens and don't let that self esteem ruin it for you:)
     
  4. rugbykirsty87

    rugbykirsty87 Never Give Up

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    TFG - Whilst reading your post it was like reading about myself. I too have never had a proper relationship, i went on my first date only last August. i met that guy on a dating site. i say go for it with this guy. Clearly he likes you, and you like him if hes been talking that much, and hes seen photos. Don't think 'what if' but 'when'.

    i used to always think that when someones chatting me up they were blind drunk or doing it for a dare, and still now most the time they are, but I give as good as they get. You never know this guy maybe mr right, but u wont know until u meet him.

    As far the people seeing you naked, well if your comfortable enough to sleep with them, the rest will fall into plae naturally, and you wont feel embaressed or anything. Guys feel the same aswell...

    Good luck xx
     
  5. Alex_1978

    Alex_1978 Gold Member

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    TFG, I just want to echo everything that the others have said to you....I was in a similar position to you only a few years ago, and I was a few years older than you are now.
    I used to look at other 'big' girls on TV and in magazines, and wonder how they ended up with lovely adoring boyfriends, yet I barely got beyond a few drunken snogs when I was on a night out. I've come to realise that I'm no different to those other women, except for my attitude - I don't EXPECT men to fancy me, so I'm naturally suspicious and probably don't give out good 'vibes' when I meet men. If you watch other confident people, they're naturally bubbly and friendly with new people, they keep eye contact, strike up conversations spontaneously, and generally have good body language.
    A few years ago, I joined an online dating agency, which did loads to boost my confidece. It takes some of the hard work out of the whole issue of meeting someone, but I do understand that it creates a few other issues too. Especially when you've been talking to someone on the phone/Facebook - it can be hard to take the plunge and finally meet someone, because we've all got our hang ups about living up to expectations (and I'm sure he's thinking the same too!)
    My first few 'internet' dates were good, I met a few really nice men, but none of them were quite what I was looking for. Every one of them wanted to see me again, so it was weird to be the one having to let someone else down (although I did it in the nicest possible way).
    And then I met my ex - we met online, but circumstances were tricky at the time and it was nine months before we met in real life!! That was a very strange experience to say the least - I'd built up a picture in my mind based on pictures that he'd shown me and webcam chats that we'd had, but the reality was a completely different kettle of fish. It was almost like I had to start to get to know him all over again, because talking on the phone is so different to having someone in your presence.
    That's why I'd advise you to take the plunge and meet him as soon as you feel ready - you don't want to have a phone relationship, so the meeting day will have to come sooner or later. The longer you leave it, the more dissapointed you'll be if either you don't fancy him, or he doesn't fancy you. Be prepared that he won't be exactly what you expect - nobody ever is when you first meet them, no matter how many pictures you have.
    It all sounds good so far though - if you can talk on the phone for six hours, it sounds like you've got plenty in common! And don't let your perceptions of the way you look stop you from doing this - he's seen your photo so he knows what you look like, and he's obviously interested. Listen to your friend, and the way she describes you - I bet he'll see you exactly the same way :)
    And as far as sex goes...if you feel comfortable with a man, then you'll forget all about your lumps and bumps and just get on with enjoying each other. In my experience, if a man fancies you enough to take you to bed, he won't care if you haven't got a perfect figure. Without being too crude, he'll be thinking himself lucky that he's got you in his bed, and he'll be too busy analysing his own performance/worrying about what you think of his body, to worry about any of your lumps and bumps.
    The last time I went to bed with anyone, he happened to put his hand on the wobbliest bit of my tummy, and I kind of pulled away - I told him that I'd been a lot bigger than I am now, but that I've been a lot smaller too and that I'm trying to lose weight....he said "that's completely up to you....but I like your body exactly the way it is" and I thought that was lovely. He even wolf whistled when I got out of bed and walked across the bedroom - and that was in broad daylight, spare tyres loud and proud, but he didn't care! Sorry if that's TMI for everybody!!!
    Sorry about the long reply...but reading your post just reminded me so much of myself! Everybody has to start somewhere, and he sounds really nice, so I say go for it!
    Let us know what you decide to do x
     
  6. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Member

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    Thanks for both of your posts. It's great to know that its not just me who feels this way. I think next time he brings it up i'll agree to it. I think! :s
     
  7. kellierocks

    kellierocks Silver Member

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    this feels like I'm reading my own diary.

    Right now there is a guy texting me, who I apparantly gave my number to last year (he had a girlfriend and didn't get in contact til that ended)
    He wants to meet up, we can talk great on teh phoen but... What will he think when he sees I'm fat?

    Anyway a few years ago i met a guy online, and after a lot i eventually met him. Given geograpphy and timing we are not an item, but he is a fantastic friend adn I'm glad i took teh plungelus he makes me feel ver very sexy. Even though before meeting him I thought he'd run away when he saw me. I usually am quite energetic- wlaking running and that so guys think that i'm more athletic than fat (who says you cannot be fat and fit!!) actually thats not true, i think guys think i should be more athletic looking and fit not fat.

    I didnt have sex til i was 25, so I truly believe in not rushing it! there is nothing odd with that by the way. i remember telling a friend frm school and she nearly cried- she had felt so alone and odd for not ahving had sex til she was 23. try and see your own body as a fantastic tool - you can dance, play, move, talk, etc etvc etc None of us are angelina jolie (imagine the work that takes)

    oh and "self lovign" helps!!!:cool:Thanks for posting this.
     
  8. kellierocks

    kellierocks Silver Member

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    I love this!!! there is hope for me yet hahaha
     
  9. Sam1309

    Sam1309 Silver Member

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    hey hun

    well done on you for joining and speaking out


    now, go get yourself a coffee and make yourself comfy


    when i was 13 i was sexually abused by my uncle, it lasted until i was 16..... he totally destroyed me as a person, my confidence, my self esteme and more to the point my mental state. i am bitter towards men, i can't stand the thought of commitment.....

    the more i ate, the more weight i piled on, the less attention he paid to me. so a visious circle started. my weight rose to 17 stone, i hated men i couldn't trust anyone and i refused to go out

    i ended up suffering with depression, and totally hated myself......

    however after starting a diet and losing weight, i have gain confidence, self esteme, my bubbly personality is back.


    shockingly i have also found a man, who loves me just as i am. who when i wake him at 3am kicking and screaming in my sleep, hold me in his arms till i fall asleep knowing i am safe. he helps me stick to my diet because he knows that i want to loose weight nad get my old figure back.

    most of all i could not have done it without the amazing support on this forum.

    what i am trying to say is, don't run away pull up a chair and join in, no matter what has happened someone on here has also experienced it and will come along and help you. when you feel down they pull you back up. when you need advice some one helps.

    it is you who is in charge of your life and you have to grab it by both hands and enjoy the ride
     
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  10. hchappyh

    hchappyh Silver Member

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    Sam1309, I have to say that is an amazing and inspirational story. Thank you for sharing.

    TFG, I hate to say the same as the others, but they are all right. The size you are has nothing to do with whether or not men will fancy you or not. If you go out and give out a confident vibrant persona, that will shine through any fattyness there maybe.

    Go out, wear the clothes that you feel the sexiest in and gives you the most confidence and have FUN. As for the sex....well I'm fat and I was getting dressed the other day and my OH walked in to the bedroom and took 1 look at me and if the kids weren't around he said he'd have taken me there and then! Lumps and bumps - more to grab hold of!

    Good luck and have fun. We're all here for you. Let us know how you get on.

    xx
     
  11. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Member

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    Thank you to all of you for sharing your thoughts, experiences and advice. Especially sam, im sure that cant have been easy to do. I did go and meet him and actually it was a lot better than I thought. While im sure he noticed my extra weight (its kinda hard to miss!) he really didnt make it obvious at all, so maybe he wasnt bothered. He said that he wanted to do something again soon and there might have been a sneaky little kiss goodbye! So yeah, surprisingly well really. Maybe men deserve more credit than i actually give them most of the time!
     
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  12. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Member

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    Well, so i met him on Tuesday, he said about going for a drink or something again soon. Seemed like it went well but its now Sunday and i havent heard from him since Thursday so maybe hes changed his mind! He may just have been busy though i suppose, we shall see i guess. Men!
     
  13. judith55

    judith55 Silver Member

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    tfg the one thing you need to hang on to is that you are a combination of your character/personality AND your looks. When someone wants to talk to you for hours at a time, it means your personality is attractive. If then someone doesn't like your looks its only a part of you that has been rejected. I would find it much harder if someone saw my picture and wanted me but then when they met me they thought I was an unpleasant person!

    And Julia Roberts, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Anniston have all been dumped so looks aren't everything.
     
  14. kellierocks

    kellierocks Silver Member

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    Exactly ! men!!!! completely agree.

    Ok odd thing I've found- has happened twice- 2 guys I've met up with- one last week, one since last year. Have told both i just want to be friends.... and both are still in touch trying to get "rosemantic" WTF- are they just after the chase!!!! while the guy i do like and did talk to me for over 12 hours 3 weeks ago- never texted.
    Men.....

    he could be busy, gay, married, scik, lost your number. Sadly we have no way of knowing. But, the more you meet people the more you learn about yourself and see that out there, there are some amazing men.
     
  15. hchappyh

    hchappyh Silver Member

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    tfg, why don't you call him? No-one says he has to call you...it has been a few days now...maybe he really has lost your number, or is shy or scared and thinks you don't like him - anything is possible - call him you've nothing to loose and if he doesn't want to know at least you'll know and be able to move on...

    Good luck and let us all know how you get on.
    xx
     
  16. Sam1309

    Sam1309 Silver Member

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    hey hun glad it went well. why don't you just sent him a quick little text asking him how his weekend went?? might work out a lot easier.

    and lets face it you joined here to do something about your weight, your not going to be big for ever, so when you reach target....... if he doesn't wanna meet again and you see him your your at your goal weight i bet he will kick himself
     
  17. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Member

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    oh i know, im not one of those people that thinks the guy has to call first. i text him that night and he replied. since then ive tried texting him, a few times. i havent since yesterday and havent had a reply yet and its been a few days. So i might just give up! Dont think i should text him again anyway.
     
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  19. JoeyJoJo

    JoeyJoJo Bring on the weight loss!

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    inspirational - thanks girlies :)
     
  20. kellierocks

    kellierocks Silver Member

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    Definately do not text him again. I once read that if texting a guy feels like ur putting your last ten pence into the arcade machine- STOP. his loss, you tried, but its up to him now. This is learning. You want a guy who pays you attention acts decent and respectful.

    and remember- the devil makes work for idle thumbs....
     
  21. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Member

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    He can be really bad with texting anyway so i cant read too much into it really, though i still am most of the time! He will often take a couple of days sometimes to text back, especially over the weekend. I think once he even took a week or so and then text being like im sorrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy. I know work is a bit manic for him at the moment and weekends are always busy so we'll see if he texts back over the next few days or not i guess.
     
  22. Sam1309

    Sam1309 Silver Member

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    my other half is constantly stressed at work, and text me regaurdless. if he wants you he will text.
     
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