So Down Down Down !!!

I know - not much i can say to offer support but just to let you know i'm reading and hoping things improve and feeling your pain.
 
Dear Pam

My prayers are with you. This must be such a traumatic time for you; to have all the years you have invested in your child seemingly thrown back in your face for no reason at all:(

Once the dust has settled a little you may be able to find the words to help your son understand the hurt he has caused. I can completely understand the dilemma your OH feels. Personally I think you are right not to let him back in the house for now - you need space to heal. Your son made a conscious choice to act as he did and now he really must accept the consequences of those actions.

No-one expects you to stop loving him but that does not mean you have to like him very much right now.:sigh:

:hug99: to you right now
 
Oh hun - just read your update and I'm so terribly sorry that all this has happened.

I know this is so hard, but I do think that maybe a bit of the old American-style "tough love" is called for.

As everyone's said - let him find his own way in the world and see how harsh and unforgiving it can be. I wouldn't even reply to gf's texts - SHE has been a critical factor in your son's poor behaviour and I wouldn't deign to speak to her!

Hopefully, in time, your son will realise - and be appalled by - his disgusting treatment of you and will beg your forgiveness.

Until then, darling Pam, I think you are right to concentrate on yourself and the next phase of your life.

Bless you!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Oh Pam - great big :hug99:'s for you hunny. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through.

I agree with Issy though, ignore the texts. Could you change your mobile number? Might be a solution if you are finding it hard. I have a spare 02 sim if you want it, I can post it to you.

The sooner you move off to Portugal the better things might be for you. You deserve some happiness and as for your son & his gf , they need to grow up and get into the real world. xxxxx
 
Pam hows things hun ???
 
Things still not good. Son is asking to come home now but we are still saying no not at the moment. We are still hurting too much. GF's mother has said he can stay there until Friday but no longer. I suppose that gives us a breathing space. A lot of talking has got to be done. We could not countenance him coming home if he is not prepared to change. My Mum (who lives with us) says she is leaving if he comes back so that is another hurdle to get over.

Part of me wants him gone but the Mum part does not want to give up on him.

We shall just have to see what emerges in the next few days.

Thanks for asking Kittykat
 
no worries hope it all sorts itself out soon
 
htpink said:
Hi Pam - read this in the papers today

Twin tragedy-Arts & Entertainment-Books-Book Extracts-TimesOnline

and i know its not quite the same thing and the outcome was tragic for one of them but it really does show you that "tough love" is the only way - you can only give so much and your stance is absolutely right. x
Click to expand...

That made very sad reading. Perhaps my son needs to read that.

The police thought drugs might be behind what he did but we dont think so. He has been told that drug taking will cause his illness to advance more quickly so he is quite afraid of drugs. He had two puffs of cannabis a few weeks ago and ended up having panic attacks about for several days about it.
 
Redpam said:
Things still not good. Son is asking to come home now but we are still saying no not at the moment. We are still hurting too much. GF's mother has said he can stay there until Friday but no longer. I suppose that gives us a breathing space. A lot of talking has got to be done. We could not countenance him coming home if he is not prepared to change. My Mum (who lives with us) says she is leaving if he comes back so that is another hurdle to get over.

Part of me wants him gone but the Mum part does not want to give up on him.

We shall just have to see what emerges in the next few days.

Thanks for asking Kittykat
Click to expand...

Hi again Pam.

I don't know what else to say apart from you can still be "Mum" and not give up on him WITHOUT allowing him to come back home until you feel ready, not by a time pressure.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh from me. I just feel that you are between a rock and a hard place at the moment, especially if your own mum is saying she will leave.

Any possibility that you could all as a family (minus GF) sit down and speak calmly about everything? Everyone having a chance to air their feelings? I know it may sound cliched, me sounding like the tree hugging Social Worker and a bit "naff" but I have seen it work and make positive changes in the most dire of family situations before.

Love and best thoughts,

Lacey :)
 
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Thanks for that Lacey. No, I dont think you are a tree hugging social worker at all. Remember I have been a foster carer and have had quite a fill of tree huggers in my time but you are not one of them. Whenever I read your posts you always seem compassionate with a greatsense of humour

What you said is exactly what I am hoping for - that we can sit down and talk sensibly about the way forward without GF. She has done enough damage already although I think she is beginning to realise it.

I have an adoption support social worker coming tomorrow and she is lovely. I am hoping Sam will come to see her. GF's mother has said the SW can go to her house to see Sam if that is preferred which was a nice gesture.

My Mum is 90 so it is not reasonable that she could really live on her own and I would never let her go into a home.

Thanks for your kind thoughts
 
Redpam said:
Thanks for that Lacey. No, I dont think you are a tree hugging social worker at all. Remember I have been a foster carer and have had quite a fill of tree huggers in my time but you are not one of them. Whenever I read your posts you always seem compassionate with a greatsense of humour

What you said is exactly what I am hoping for - that we can sit down and talk sensibly about the way forward without GF. She has done enough damage already although I think she is beginning to realise it.

I have an adoption support social worker coming tomorrow and she is lovely. I am hoping Sam will come to see her. GF's mother has said the SW can go to her house to see Sam if that is preferred which was a nice gesture.

My Mum is 90 so it is not reasonable that she could really live on her own and I would never let her go into a home.

Thanks for your kind thoughts
Click to expand...

Hi Pam - just catching up....sorry to hear things are still difficult :( you must give yourself time to absorb this awful shock....be kind to yourself and hubby...you've both been thru' a lot.

Hopefully the SW will help and fingers crossed that Sam agrees to meet with her....

You really do have a lot on your plate...your son, your elderly mother....no wonder you're distraught...:(

take care...sending you hugs

Debz
xx
 
Redpam said:
Thanks for that Lacey. No, I dont think you are a tree hugging social worker at all. Remember I have been a foster carer and have had quite a fill of tree huggers in my time but you are not one of them. Whenever I read your posts you always seem compassionate with a greatsense of humour

What you said is exactly what I am hoping for - that we can sit down and talk sensibly about the way forward without GF. She has done enough damage already although I think she is beginning to realise it.

I have an adoption support social worker coming tomorrow and she is lovely. I am hoping Sam will come to see her. GF's mother has said the SW can go to her house to see Sam if that is preferred which was a nice gesture.

My Mum is 90 so it is not reasonable that she could really live on her own and I would never let her go into a home.

Thanks for your kind thoughts
Click to expand...

Hi Pam :)

How has today been for you with the adoption SW and Sam?

I'm wondering if you've managed to find any resolutions or at least ideas that can support you all to move forward and hopefully do some healing?

Thank you also for your kind words about me. If there's anything I can do to support you in any other way, just ask.

Will check back in later to see how you are doing.

Lacey :) x
 
Hi Lacey
It went quite well with SW but she thinks it may be better to let him go as she thinks he wont behave properly for long. Son did not come to the meeting but he came round this afternoon to speak to DH and myself. He says he wants to come home but eventually wants to move out on his own because he wants to be with GF 24/7. We explained to him that no one lives with someone 24/7. DH tried get him to see how much money he would need each week even to live in a caravan on a travellers site. He decided he wanted to live at home. My Mother says if he comes home she is going. So which way do I turn? Still we have until Friday to make our minds up but it is soooo hard. And I still have not done any d ecorating and I have been meaning to get on with it since Saturday.
 
Oh poor you. I think the SW has a point .... and maybe if he does have to live in the real world he'll realise how much he has taken for granted. Your poor mum as well - she must be worried to even consider moving out. Bless.

I don't know what the right answer is Pam - our kids are our babies for life .... but sometimes we have to let them make mistakes and learn the hard way. But yes you'll always be his mother and love him - just maybe not like him at the moment.

I hope you and DH have the strength that you are going to need the next few days and it all works out well. (((HUGS)))
 
It seems as if no matter what decision you make you will not please everyone. What exactly do you want to do? Where would your mother go if she left? Or is she just threatening to go? How soon could you go abroad? What would happen to son then?
Irene xx
 
At the moment we are not planning to move abroad until next August when DH is 60 and will then receive his army pension. Son will then be 18 and a half will have some training behind him. He is adamant that he will be living on his own by then and does not want to live in Portugal. He should be back in college tomorrow although he has a disciplinary meeting to get through first. He is adamant that he does not want me there so his Head of Department is going to be "in loco parentis".

Now he is back on his tablets he is much much calmer. At the moment it seems strange that he is not coming home at nights. Although for the past few weeks we have dreaded him coming home because of his violent moods.

My Mother is still saying she does not want to be here if he comes back but I am hoping she will change her mind.

Son still cant get his head round why we feel so hurt but I suppose that is his disinhibition.
 
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Redpam said:
As to what I really want to do? I just dont know at the moment.

Part of me just wants peace and quiet and no hassle and the Mum part feels she cant give up on him.
Click to expand...

Hi Pam,

What a day you've had again eh? This sounds like such a tough and emotive time for you all. Have you had the time or strength to speak to your own Mum at length about this and explain how torn you feel? Just wondering as she clearly feels very very strongly about this.

Would it help if your Son was able to sit down and calmly talk to her and give any reassurances to her about his future behaviour? I don't know what kind of relationship they have and I'm guessing that he knows what she is threatening to do!

I agree with Irene and don't always think it's possible to please everyone all the time. You're obviously worried about your Mum as well and the age that she is.

Just thrashing ideas around here but I know when my own Son's behaviour and lifestyle became too much around my other 2 younger children, we reached a compromise where he rented a room 5 minutes away, had his own independence but still closeby to call here. He was 19.

It saved our relationship at the time, and me from asking him to leave which had been an option I can tell you! The tension eased immediately between us, I helped move him in, bought him a few bits he needed, let him bring his washing home and he came for his tea at least 3 times a week.

I hope you can figure something out and not be under this awful pressure about having to decide by Friday this week. Can he not stay where he is a while longer?

Thinking of you and sending my love,

Lacey x :)
 
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