So Down Down Down !!!

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Redpam, 25 April 2007 Social URL.

  1. Redpam

    Redpam Living the Life

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    This may be a long rant so I wont mind if you switch off but I think I may feel better if I write it all down.

    As some of you know My DH and I have had a very rocky time culminating in a visit to a Relate Counsellor 6 weeks ago. She was awful and told us she thought we had left it too late -" thats £40 thank you, the hour is up" My DH was very angry after the meeting although I said nothing that I had not said to him before. He took himself off to a solicitor in the morning and she told him he could get more from me than my Solcitor had told me. She said something to him that he would not tell me. It was to my detriment and it made him really angry. He came home and said he could not stand the thought of being away from me. Since then he has really tried hard to be a better husband and it is more like old times - really good. He has been more helpful in the house too.

    On the other hand my DS who is 17 is making our lives hell. He got together with his girlfriend in February and they live in each others pockets. He has to take tablets for his condition and she has told him she does not like him taking them as they make him tired at night (her words). So he has stopped taking them and his temper knows no bounds.
    I bought him a car and insured it last month on the condition that he paid for his driving lessons from his part time job. He has taken so much time off because he wants to be with her that he has lost the job and now expects me to pay for them. I have said no way!

    Anyway to cut a long story a bit short, while browsing the internet I found a lovely house for sale in Portugal. It is really cute. My DH loved it too. So last Thursday DH, my lovely Mum (90) and I flew to Portugal to see it and it lived up to our expectations. DS stayed with his girlfriend.. We have agreed to buy it and the wheels are in motion although it will take some time.

    Every reason to feel on top of the world (apart from sons behaviour) you would think.

    We arrived home at 1am on Sunday morning to find we had been burgled. The thieves had broken into our bedroom window and taken lots of valuable things from the room including my CD money which had been well hidden. All the clients I had seen on Wednesday evening had paid me in cash although some of them usually pay by cheque - sod's law!

    When the police arrived they thought it looked suspicious and staged as they had taken some things but left others. For example they had taken DH's laptop but left his brand new £300 IPod that was beside it. Altogether we have lost about £5000s worth of goods and cash. I now find out I am only covered for £300 cash and that the CD money cannot be covered by that. Take note CDCs.

    The suspicion is resting on my son that he was either involved or that he told someone we would be away. Our bungalow is very unusual and a stranger would not know which room was which especially as all the curtains were drawn. So it must be someone who has been in our home.

    The shock really only came out yesterday and I have had a stinking headache that is not eased by painkillers and cant think straight. If I am speaking and someone goes to say something I immediately forget what I am saying. I should be the happiest woman alive but I am sitting here crying my eyes out. My DH has been very understanding and has even cooked the dinner for me the last couple of nights. He has been dealling with DS's terrible behaviour too.

    To cap it all, because the GF's mother has said they can only stay at each others houses at the weekends and not during the week when they are at college my son has quit college and got a temporary labouring job so that he can rent a caravan for the two of them on a local Travellers site.
    It is so sad. So many people are saying the GF is responsible for most of it and is bad news. She is also adopted and lives with quite a snobby family and went to private school although you would never believe it.

    At the moment the Police are trying to keep an open mind as we are but it all seems to point to these 2.

    I feel such a failure and my DH gets cross with me about this. I suppose I must put myself first now and if we want to move out to Portugal full time I should do so because my son has made it quite clear that he does want us in his life anymore.

    If you have managed to read to the end I thank you. It has been quite cathartic to write it all down and I hope things will only get better.:wave_cry:
     
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  3. bondgirl

    bondgirl Member

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    Dear Redpam

    I'm so sorry to see you are having a tough time of it :( I'm really pleased to hear things are improving with your DH:)

    I hope things start to improve for you

    ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))



     
  4. penny35

    penny35 Silver Member

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    Dear Redpam, so sorry to hear that you are having such a horrible time,theres nothing I can say to make you feel better, so :hug99: ,hope that help's alittle bit.
    You take care, and try to remember you can't be responsible for other peoples reaction's and action's.
     
  5. supergran

    supergran Going to do this......

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    OH dear, your head must be spinning, i went through simliar probs with one of mine when they were younger.:cry: :confused:

    My heart goes out to you.
    At the end of the day your son is nearlt an adult you have to look after number one.

    Try to chill and take one prob at a time. good luck with portugal, just keep dreaming of your new life.

    Spookly. we have just finialised out property in portugal too.
     
  6. MadamDotty

    MadamDotty Back again!

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    Oh Redpam, what a rollercoaster of emotions you are going through right now, it must be so unbelievably hard to accept that your son could be responsible for the theft, but at least you have your DH with you and helping you through it all, even though he's struggling to understand your feelings, at least he's there for you.

    Maybe the move to Portugal and some time and space away from your son will be the best thing for you, and will give you & your hubby a chance to spend some quality time together. Things may well change with your son, it's not necessarily for ever, so don't see it as that way, but a chance for you to have a break from him and it'll probably do him good to have to stand on his own two feet without you.

    Take care of yourself & look after yourself, that's what matters, it's not surprising you're in such a state at the moment and it may even be worth speaking to your GP, just to see if there's anything he can help with.

    I really hope that things start to improve for you and you are able to look forward to Portugal and that it brings you some peace.

    Much love

    xx
     
  7. Redpam

    Redpam Living the Life

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    Thank you Zoe, Penny and June for your kind words. They mean a lot.

    Whereabouts in Portugal is your house June? The one we are purchasing is in the southern part of the Silver Coast.
     
  8. Redpam

    Redpam Living the Life

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    Thanks for that Jan. I hope he will grow out of it. Unfortunately he has Juvenile Huntingtons Disease, hence the need for medication. Where will the GF be when his health starts to deteriorate. As DH says that is not my problem.
     
  9. MadamDotty

    MadamDotty Back again!

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    Quite - he's almost an adult and if he's taken the decision to stop his medication then he and his GF (maybe!) will have to deal with the consequences. I think you have to be quite tough about this, not easy of course, and put you & your future with your DH first.

    Take care
    x
     
  10. supergran

    supergran Going to do this......

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    Our house has only one and a bits wall at the mo. its a ruin and was very cheap.
    Its further up then you near a town called Arganil one hour from Porto airport. what part is yours
     
  11. HelenG

    HelenG Member

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    Dear Redpam,

    Just had to write and send you my love. It's really sad what's happening in your world just now. Its good that your DH is making an effort but it's sad that he has said that your son's health is not your problem - you are still going to worry! :sigh:

    The sad stuff wont last forever and those lovely sunny skies will start to oust them there clouds.

    :hug99: To get you through!
     
  12. sonkie

    sonkie Gold Member

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    Hope you can get to the bottom of the burgalary, it is a bit odd that not everything valuable has been taken...!
    Unless they were disturbed.

    The home abroad......oooooo how nice all that sun !
     
  13. Redpam

    Redpam Living the Life

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    Ours is further south (about 2 hours from Porto) It is near Monte Redondo. It is about 19 years old and has 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. It is ready to move into as all the furniture etc is included. The reason it may take some months to complete is because the owner (who built it) never bothered to apply for the habitation certificate (like our completion certificate over here). He applied for it in Jnauary but apparently Portuguese bureaucrasy is very slow so it is likely to take about 9 months in all . Maybe more lol:eek:
     
  14. stacey

    stacey i love minimins me :)

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    hun

    i dnt really know what to say, but i didnt wanna read and run, just wantedto say i hope things get better for u soon :)

    xxx
     
  15. supergran

    supergran Going to do this......

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    The house sounds lovvvvvely.

    Hope you feel a bit more settled today sending hugs:grouphugg:
     
  16. LEJ

    LEJ Full Member

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    Just want to say my thoughts are with you both and hope things will be sorted out soon. Take care

    Lynn
     
  17. girlygirl

    girlygirl Silver Member

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    Oh, I do understand and sympathise.

    My beloved younger son and I were very, very close for years.

    Then he turned 18, met a girl - yes, a real ***** who mistreated him and took his money - and became a MONSTER who hated me and liked nothing more than to hurt me.

    Finally, after 18 hellish months, I was forced to ask him to leave, something I'd have SWORN could never, ever happen. I just could not bear any more of his cruelty and malice.

    He left in June '06. Said he never ever wanted to see me again. The grief was truly dreadful: I quickly fell apart.

    Then, in late January '07, he turned up again, out of the blue. He didn't apologise but he sat in my bedroom for five hours, chatting to me about college and art and music etc.

    His present g/f adores him. He has a job now, and is supporting himself through college. He is not finding life totally easy.

    We are not as 'close' as we were, but I have always known that he still loved me. Boys find it hard to negotiate adulthood. They find it even harder to make that vital break from the security of a mother's devoted love. They MAKE you want them to leave, so they don't have to suffer guilt at wanting to be free and independent.

    My younger son is here now, downstairs with his older brother, playing computer games.

    I miss how it once was, sure, but he is an independent young adult, and we are kinda renegotiating our relationship. Do I forgive him for being so God-Awful to me? Of course. I adore him, and his older brother, and I will ALWAYS be here for them.

    Hang on in there. However bad it may seem now, it will get better. Just give it time. Eventually he will 'come back' to you emotionally.

    Good luck with your marriage, your relationships, and your weight loss journey.

    XX
     
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  19. Redpam

    Redpam Living the Life

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    Thank you Girlygirl and everyone else for your kind replies.

    We are trying to keep an even balance in our relationship with him at the moment. He started a job on Wednesday and had lost it by Friday. I took him to the bus stop on Wednesday and Thursday mornings. On Thursday morning he verablly attacked me for the whole of the 10 minute journey. It was all littered with Fs and Cs. He was going to punch my head in. He is arranging to have my DH done and that he is going to get our house firebombed by the travellers. If a Psychiatrist had been sitting in the car he would have had him sectioned. On Friday my DH took him to the bus.

    DH says that he is determined to treat him in a proper manner although really he would like to grab him by the lapels and tell him what he really thinks of him. The general opinion is that he is behind the burglary but we will have to wait to see if the police got any DNA evidence off what they took away.

    My DH must have told son's college Head how I was saying I felt such a failure because these 4 adopted children had turned out so bad. She quoted to me the old saying "You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink" so I had done my best in getting them to water but it was their loss if they did not "drink". True I suppose.

    I spoke to one of his sisters today. She had 3 babies by 3 different men by the time she was 20. She said that I am not a failure and that she felt that she had let me down by having her babies so young but now she could fall back on all I had taught her to make the best life she could for her children.

    Yes maybe he will see sense one day but things have been said recently that I will never ever forget so it will never be the same again.

    The girlfriend said she did not want him to take the tablets cos they made him sleepy. After reading about the medication in a medical book it is because it can cause probs in the s** department. So she is prepared for him to become unhinged just so she gets as much s** as she wants. Charming:(

    Am feeling a bit brighter today but perhaps that is because he has been staying at his girlfriends for the last two days.
    Mind you he rang the house at midnight on Friday demanding to be let in so he could pick up some clothes. He was quite threatening but I think this was because DH was at work and he thought he could get away with it. He is over 6ft tall and about 16 stone so, although I am tall, he is rather overpowering.

    Only another 9 months and 1 week and we will not be responsible for him any more.
     
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  20. debz32

    debz32 Gold Member

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    Hi RedPam....just found this thread....

    Sorry you've been having such an awful time with your son :( that must be very difficult for you to cope with... we give so much of ourselves to our children as they grow... but we can't be responsible for how they behave when they're adults....it is so sad....my sister has treatd my mum and dad in much the same way...as a family we have had to dis-engage from her cos she was causing so many problems for all of us....feels like I've lost a sister and my parents have lost their daughter....but that's the way it had to be.

    Try to stay positive...and focus on your future in Portugal with your DH....you have much to look forward to :)

    love

    Debz
    xx
     
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  21. Redpam

    Redpam Living the Life

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    Thanks Debz.

    We know we have to disengage from him and that is why we are looking at selling our home now (instead of 2 years time) and downgrading to a smaller property. After his threats my Mum ,who lives with us, is terrified that the house will be burnt down as she has a terrible fear of fire. The Police say we can have him charged with threatening behaviour but I do not thnk that will help at the moment. I think that will tip him right over the edge
     
  22. Geri

    Geri Gold Member

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    Oh Pam
    me darlin,
    I've only just seen this...

    So sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with DS. His girlfriend seemed to be such a nice girl in the beginning, such a shame that things have worked out the way they have. What does her Mum say about it all??

    Happy to hear hubby's behaving himself! If you fancy a chat you know where I am..

    Take care of yourself
    love
    Geri
    xx
     
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