Sorry...its a moan...I need help please.

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Sez, 5 July 2007 Social URL.

  1. Sez

    Sez has started again!!

    I am struggling so badly that I really feel I might not make to the end of this diet now.

    I have tried hard to focus on the positives of losing all the weight, and have tried not to let the old chatterbox get the better of me. I know I have about 4 more stone to lose, but I do not have the strength of character and resolve to carry on.

    Its almost as if LL has become this huge all encompassing "thing" that has totally taken over my life. Its all I think about, and I am even having nightmares now, which are food related. I am spending money (we havent got!) like water, almost as if I am trying to fill a void. What that void is I dont know. I dont think it is food, as far as all the junk I used to ingest goes but more just normal, healthy food. I am constantly planning the type of foods we will all eat as a family, come the great day! I have low GI cookbooks, I tear healthy recipes from magazines. I have bought some lovely wine as a treat (& I mean a treat, I am not a big drinker, never have been.) which I am really looking forward too.

    I know that you guys will help me through this. Thats why I am asking for your help now.

    What route do I take? I dont want to be the fat blimp again, but I am pretty miserable now. Not the same kind of mis I was when I was 6 stone heavier, but a lonelier kind of miserable, who feels like life is passing by with me on the other side of the glass.

    oh sh*t. I am never happy and I dont know what I want do I?

    I should add, I dont want a switch to CD. I think the LL managment is what I will need once I re-enter FoodWorld!
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  3. chinchilla

    chinchilla Full Member

    Lighter Life

    I've been doing LL since the middle of February and have been reading your posts for months now. You are one of the most inspirational people on this site!
    I can totally empathise with how you're feeling. I too am feeling low and like I'm missing out on things. Think back to the early days of lighter life when we had to visualise a day in the future when we would feel great. Hold onto those positive feelings. You are a strong and powerful woman and you can soooooooooo get to your goal. In the grand scheme of your life it's not long til you'll be there.
    I have another 4 stone to go too. We can do it together!

    I hope that doesn't sound like a load of c**p but I really believe in you :patback:
  4. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

    Healthy eating/Food diary
    We all believe in you - we'd be mad not to. You are living proof of a plan that works. However, it is tough, so why wouldn't you find it hard at time? Also I think everyone is generally a bit fed up at the moment because of this blinking weather. If you were out and about in the sunshine, wearing lighter, smaller clothes you might be feeling more chirpy!

    You have broken the back of it and to say you lack resolve is outrageous - so you take that back at once!

    You are a star, believe it!

  5. tishtosh

    tishtosh Hopeful for the future

    Hi Sez,
    Like Chinchilla, I read your posts and feel the power of your words and encouragement.
    I'm sorry you're feeling like this and I send you hugs and support to find the strength to go on with LL to the end of those 4 stones.
    I'm nowhere near where you are yet, but wonder if this is what they talk about when saying that we've used food before to substitute for something we're missing. Maybe this is your chance to examine what it is you've been swallowing away all these years. When you get through this hiccup you'll be a very strong person - with a unique insight into the workings of your psyche - which will certainly stand you in good stead for the future.
    I hope you find things easier very soon and good luck xxx

  6. slinkytobe

    slinkytobe Full Member

    Sez if it's any consolation I feel exactly the same. I have lost 6 1/2 stone now and I have actually been bingeing again!!!! SHOCK - HORROR !!:eek::eek:
    I am getting more and more frightened as days goes on. I feel absolutely fantastic body wise. I can wear size 10 jeans from Next, I have lost weight in my legs which I have never been able to do before and yet I am doing this to myself. I don't understand it. The sooner I get to see my counsellor the better. I will see her on Tuesday. I can't possibly put 6 1/2 stone on in that time surely...
    Please don't be as stupid as me! I don't think you have gone as far as I have but I know that I will regret it soon.
  7. icemoose

    icemoose The Diet Guy

    Don't diet anymore!
    I do think that being overweight is usually a symptom of a problem as opposed to the problem itself and I always said to Jo that when I lost 12 stone I would be so much happier but the reality is that it is still you once you are smaller, the problems are still there and in some ways you have stopped an "outlet" for the problem because of the food restriction. I always joke with people about the fact I don't smoke anymore, rarely drink, stopped taking any drugs (light ones!) and don't eat badly anymore therefore I have no vices left, so when I have had a bad day you do look for something to almost forget the world with so I totally sympathise and empathise with what you are saying.

    Since losing the weight Jo and I have been through a very tough time, glad to say we are ok now but it opened a whole loads of problems for us and also in other areas of my life, my Dad and I didn't speak for 3 months after I lost weight and now have a different relationship and other things I won't go into.

    I suppose I haven't got any real advice apart from you are not unique, people say you need to face your demons etc and that is true and you mustn't allow yourself to use food as an outlet which most of us on here have done, I can empathise with the spending thing as that is merely another outlet for you.

    Maybe you need some counselling outside of the LL world and explore other avenues of your life with a trained counsellor and see whether that helps.

    Good luck and well done on your losses!!

  8. Dom1979

    Dom1979 Gold Member

    Hi Sez

    I don't think I've written to you before, and I don't know who reads my thread, so hello, I'm Dom, and I lost 4-5 stone last year on LL. I've kept most of it off, and have been eating again since April 2006. Obviously there's loads more to me than that, but that's the relevant stuff out of the way!!

    Your post really interested me, because it could have been written by me when i was in Foundation last year. There are a LOT of hot thoughts in there, did you realise that? I've highlighted the ones that jumped out of me in red. I don't know about you, but I found that Thought Records were invaluable for getting to the bottom of hot thoughts, and helping me to feel more confident in my abilities to manage when i was back in food world, and also to convince myself I wasn't going mad! It was bl00dy uncomfortable to do them, and I learned things about myself that I might not have wanted to at times, but as I haven't completely returned to all my old behaviours, and hence have not regained all the weight, I think that they worked.

    I think it's perfectly normal to feel 'on the other side of the glass', food/alcohol is everywhere isn't it? And although it's possible to go out with friends and sit there and not eat, it's hard! I found that a large chunk of my social life was missing when I was abstinent, and I hated that. I can also remember feeling very resentful of people who could eat and remain slim, and felt very jealous and upset that I couldn't (at the time) do it. It was almost like being on another planet, whilst simultaneously being on the same planet as everyone else. In another dimension or something!

    As for the spending money thing. Welcome to my world! And this didn't stop when I started eating again. Like you, I recognised that I was doing it to fill a void, and it took me a lot of thought records and introspection to work out what that void was. But I had to do it. Because if I hadn't, I would still be trying to fill that void now, apart from I know I wouldn't be doing it with clothes and make up, I would be using food.

    These feelings will pass, but I expect there will be other tricky times ahead, foundation is really bl00dy hard! But not, I suspect, as hard as being the 'old you' once was.

    I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn, I just really wanted to try and help when I read what you had written. Feel free to ignore all of the above, it's just my take on things!
  9. Cerulean

    Cerulean Gold Member

    Start Weight:
    Current Weight:
    Goal Weight:
    CD Step 5/Low GI
    Hello Sez - I'm not supposed to be here, but I hit a weird spot yesterday - I had a massive binge last night - I went out of control. I spoke to my counsellor and apparently this is all perfectly normal behaviour whether you lose 20 or 2 stone...the answer apparently is thought records thought records and more thought records - especially at the actual time of thinking them. I wish I'd written what I was thinking last night whilst it was happening, because it was hysterical more than anything else (in the funny and the mad sense!)

    ANyway - I feel your pain - this is the difficult bit, but you are so nearly there. I am 7 stone lighter and weirdly miserable - nothing like how I was back then - even the binge was different - I've never been in a chip shop as a thin adult! I've never been a thin person after a binge (which helps your self esteem no end!) and I've never felt so positive about myself after displaying that sort of behaviour. Of course today I am a bit shaky and I had to leave work as I felt sick with worry about my entire life. I was using food to cover over these cracks when they appeared - of course I'll still use it from time to time - I just need to learn - like a thin person, how to bounce back and stay on the healthy course 80% of the time. And the feelings after yesterday are scary but new - my only advice to you is to observe how you feel and learn to be with your new self.

    I wish you all the best my dear - you will get there.
  10. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

    Just wanted to send a hug. Can totaly understand where you are coming from and like you have been feeling very ow today. This diet is SO hard and some days are sheer hell to get through. I think its about the lengh of time; we get to the miraculous 100 days and then what, isnt this over yet?!! Despite feeling immensely proud of myself I also feel frustrated because it feels like there is such a long way to go! I just try to keep going bak to teh one day at a time and try not to think of the rest but this whole week has been tough as I've just wanted to eat SO badly! (see blog!)...we'll get there, albeit by hanging on by our fingertips. It will be worth it but the old issues will not miraculously disappear but hopefully we'll have more confdence to deal with them! Re dosh - STOP spending; as someone who got into serious debt it is just NOT worth it so please stop and instead look at why you are spending, just as you have done wih eating. Big hugs for you!
  11. Ameythist

    Ameythist Full Member

    Hya Sez, one of the ladies in our class was feeling exactly the same as you and for the last couple of weeks has started to pick, Our LLC has advised that even though she has lost 5 and is still 5 overweight to go into Management, introduce food, maintain for a while then come back when her mind is more at peace. I suppose the danger is out there for us all as we all look much better, feel much better and people are telling us not too do too much that we are totally surrounded by LL and food.........Good luck on what ever you decide to do, your words have often been inspirational to me and lots of others.xxxxxxxxx
  12. Peridot

    Peridot Peridot

    I am no expert as I'm only just starting out so I hope it's not cheeky (or just plain wrong) to offer my take on this but if it were me I'd keep going til the holiday (I'd kick myself if I hadn't and it would stop me enjoying the holiday as much as I might have done) and then eat a bit out there - sensibly of course rather than going wild. Then come back and get back on it! I would feel resentful sticking to LL completely whilst on holiday - and it sounds like you might too. That'd maybe give you something to look forward to and help you focus on LL before you go?

    Good luck - you owe it to yourself to do what will make you happy in the long run.

    (but hey, what do I know?!)
  13. SandraEG

    SandraEG Full Member

    Lighter Life
    If you have a supportie and together group, why not raise this there. You could print of your post and read it out. Maybe others are feeling the same and could benefit from the discussion? Hopefully your LLC can find a way through.

    Mike and Dom have given some particularly good insights (thanks from me for those!).

    I have not done any thought records in my journey as yet because I have never been able to recognise the thoughts for what they were. Dom highlighting yours in red has certainly helped me think about that again.

    We all struggle. I am embarrassed to admit I am reading this forum having sat down at my desk with a coffee and 3 gingernuts!! I often wonder if I can ever stick to the rules 100%.

    I'll send you a HUG from me - I have 6 stone and I could ahve written the spending money thing myself - all the CCs up to their limits now! But spoke to my partner about this yesterday and know what I need to do to get that under control.

    Thanks for posting - I think this could really help me get on with it as well. I hope you have found some benefit from teh replies too.:eek::rolleyes:
  14. Just Do It

    Just Do It Full Member

    Current Weight:
    Hi Sez,
    I'm not very good at giving advice and everyone else here seems so much wiser than me. But I want to give you my support and let you know that we all believe in you and that you are a great success.

  15. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

    How you feeling today?
    For those who have spent too much go to Martin Lewis' website & start saving/paying off - its lterally saved me! If I hadnt dealt with my debts (& will be for years!) I would never have had the courage to own up to drinking/eating/smoking! Cant recc it enough & the "debt free wanabees" are a supportive bunch - although forums down for a couple of hours for maintenance! - link is on my blog!
  16. SoonBeSlim... It'sTrue!

    SoonBeSlim... It'sTrue! Full Member

    Lighter Life
    Hi Sarah,

    what can I say, but like the others on Mini ..... you have done so so well and it's hard to sometimes keep motivated even with the great loss we have experienced at LL/CD et al.

    As I read your post about wanting to begin that chapter of your life with your family in a healthy way, I just had to say I know how you feel. I too have ripped out a few recipies and earmarked some out the LL magazines etc which will try when it's the official time to eat.

    I think these are all really positive and good things to get your head around and shows you have moved on in terms of not only knowing what is a healthier lifestyle for you and the family, but want to do it.

    That has to be a positive, even with a bit more time to go.

    Even though I should start management this sunday, I have binged and struggled and shouted at myself and felt like cr.p! Will have to prepare for my first gain on Saturday!!!! :scale:

    Don't let this happen to you, as you really have come so far.

    Maybe it's back to basics ...... get in the bath before the trigger time to eat rather than give in, do a thought record or look at your original goals. We all get a bit complacent when done something for a while. I certainly have.

    I really hope you are feeling better, but keep posting as we all want to support each other

    Take Care :hug99:

    Sam xx
  17. Sez

    Sez has started again!!

    What an mazing lot of people you all are. I am grateful to each and every one of you.Chinchilla, Barb, Tishtosh, Slinky, Icemoose, Dom, ISOM, Cerulean, Amethyst,Peridot, Sandra, JDI, Soonbe slim - YOU are all really fabulous cyber friends and I am trying to take on board all that you have said. I sincerely value your wise words, honestly.

    I am in close contact with another Minimins lady, a fantastic lady, with whom I have shared mobile numbers. (I rarely give mine out!) She had also been very supportive, and together we now have a pact to text each other throughout the day, to encourage and support. Oddly enough, I dont feel close enough to any of my group members to do the same! I am one of the youngest members there (I am pretty sure!!) and although they are great women there is not the connection I would like to share.

    The info on thought records was an eye opener too. of course, we have discussed them many times in group, but I have never really understood them. After Dom highlighted them for me, I begin to "get it"!

    I will confess to the biggest, secret, carb binge yesterday. I was staggered at what I ate, I felt sick but I kept on cramming it in. Huge bars of chocolate, cheese & onion pasty, danish pastries etc. Now you see why I am so ashamed of myself. All the while there were thoughts in my head, egging me on, and one very tiny voice telling me I didnt really want to do this. I have done my thought records, and for today at least I have been totally abstinent. This is the first time in a very long time.

    I dont know how much damage I will have done to my losses this week, but I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it.

    I have a month until my holiday, and my mini goal was to lose another 2 stone before we go. I think I can still, just about, make it!

    Thanks again everyone.
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  19. Mrs Lard

    Mrs Lard Silver Member

    Dear Sez

    I want to echo everything that everyone else has said and acknowledge all that wisdom and honesty. I think Dom's post (and Mike's - someone we know) were very poignant. Dom - that was such an amazing post, thank you.

    Lots of people in my Development group are struggling; our LLC has told us we WILL lapse but that the lapses present amazing opportunities to learn what's REALLY going on IF we can unpick all the hot thoughts.

    Thought records really are SO helpful because what becomes clear is that the food really is just the symptom. For example, I had my worst day (in LL terms) last week because it was deliberate bingeing as opposed to coming out of abstinence for a reason (travelling/celebration/tiredness) - starting with a Starbucks muffin (skinny, of course!) and ending with two family size packets of crisps (hell, they were low fat too!). I worked out it was fundamentally about loneliness -particularly at work (I wrote about it on my blog, if you are interested) and since then I have been able to change one area of my life that caused me so much anxiety (years) , even though it took eating a forbidden food to help me realise.

    You wouldn't necessarily connect a muffin and loneliness but hey...that's crooked thinking for you. I really urge you to find out what's behind all the resistance. Are you afraid of succeeding?

    I have also been given so good book recommendations, which I will post on here.

    Sez - it may be that you need some extra support beyond LL, beyond minis - just to get you through.

    I think I have said it before but you would not have lost as much weight as you already have if you didn't have it in you to succeed. Maybe a break is an option but would your crooked thinking not allow you to get back on board when you return? Crooked thinking is all powerful!!

    If it helps, Sez, remember you are NOT alone! And, and, and you CAN do it and have done it (so far). I wonder if your crooked thinking keeps telling you that you can't?

    Do take care, Sez and I will look up all the things that may help and post them tomorrow.

    Big hugs.

    Mrs L xxxxxxxxxxx
  20. Mrs Lard

    Mrs Lard Silver Member

    Dear Sez

    When I posted last night, I didn’t see your final post so apologies. I am so pleased that you have found someone that can give you that extra support during this challenging time.

    I went on about thought records in my post (doh!) but of course you had mentioned that you have started to get them. That’s fantastic; they are an amazing tool.

    I promised to look up the books that either I have liked or have been recommended and here they are:

    The Hungry Years by William Leith ( I LOVED this book; I also borrowed it from the library - last year - and I was hooked! I think it's an incredibly powerful book and I remember being really shocked (at the time) about all the stuff on carbs.

    I wholeheartedly recommend it.

    The Little Saboteur: Get Things Done in Life by Conquering Your Weaker Self (Paperback) by Marco von Munchhausen. Apparently, this is done with humour and is very effective at providing strategies for those difficult moments when crooked thinking gets in the way.

    Overcoming Weight Problems (Paperback) by Jeremy Gauntlett-Gilbert (Author), Clare Grace (Author).

    The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior (Paperback)
    by Craig Nakken.

    A lot of people rave about Gillian Riley so here’s her website:

    Eating Less: Say goodbye to overeating: further help: books

    Her books include:

    Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating

    (The Lazy Person’s Guide to) Beating Overeating, which I have!! And haven't read!!

    In the Management materials, I see that this author – Geneen Roth – is recommended. Not sure which book is the most helpful; they all look pretty good. Here’s a great quote from her website:

    "Our relationship to food is a perfect reflection of our relationship to life itself"

    Emotional Eating - Diets - Binging - Geneen Roth

    I hope this helps.

    Take care and hope you are feeling better today.

    With love.

    Mrs L xxxxxxxxx
  21. Dom1979

    Dom1979 Gold Member

    Hi Sez! I'm glad that what I said helped a bit, and that you are feeling a bit better.

    I forgot to mention, that the whole 'thought records' thing, didn't really 'click' for ages. It was the page in my foundation book that I used to skim past thinking 'that looks like a lot of effort for not much gain' and also 'that's well complicated, I hate LL, I hate not being able to eat, what's the deal with the puppet woman on the DVDs etc etc'! Just take it step by step and they aren't too bad. Sometimes, if it's a biggie, you might have to do more, ie there will probably be more than one hot thought. I usually write the 'what happened', 'important thoughts' and 'how I felt' and 'what I did' bits first, then come back to the second half, because it's the second half you might have to do more than once (if there's more than one 'hot thought'). Also, the analytic bit can be easier after the event when you are calmer and can be more rational. As I'm a stationery addict (I know this is a strange addiction, but I have friends who have the same addiction so i'm not that odd really, promise!), I got myself a note book with a pink butterfly on the front, because i thought that symbolised really well what I was trying to achieve, metamorphisis from a lumpy old caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly (if that made you puke, I apologise!).

    It's a long, but interesting journey we are all on, but its worth it, so so worth it!
  22. Sez

    Sez has started again!!

    Hi Mrs L and everyone!

    Just to say thar yesterday was a great one foodwise! Feeling ok so far today too!

    Am thinking I might buy the Hungry Years Mrs L.Sounds like what I need! Have read Gillian Riley too, and thoroughly recommend it!

    Will chat later as house work looms large, very large in fact!!
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