Teenagers/young adults living at home....

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by *Emsie*, 4 November 2011 Social URL.

  1. *Emsie*

    *Emsie* Gold Member

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    My daughters 19 and she of course thinks she is independent and should have space/freedom etc I however still gett stressed and anxious about where she is etc
    I was wondering if anyone with kids of similar ages could share their ways/rules etc about letting parents know where they are/coming home etc
    I am trying to be relaxed about it but it affects my sleep not knowing if she is back/coming back and it affects how we can lock up as well!
     
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  3. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    My daughter is also 19. When she turned 16 she said 'please mum now I'm 16 will you stop ringing parents when I'm staying over':rolleyes: I did & it was sooooooo hard not confirming if she was really staying where she said she was. All I ask of her now is she lets me know at a reasonable time if she is coming home or staying at a friends.

    Fortunately this is a small village & I know all her friends & her friends parents.

    At 19 they are old enough to make their own decisions & my daughter would not per her life at risk & wouldn't do anything stupid, I know this for sure, she doesn't do drugs, doesn't sleep around, doesn't drink excessively, yes she does drink. I also know this for sure as it's the type of thing we talk about in detail.

    As any parent we have to start to let go & let them make their own decisions. But if your daughter still lives at home it is only fair she lets you know what time she is coming home so you can start to stop worrying.
     
  4. *Emsie*

    *Emsie* Gold Member

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    Thanks for the reply.Unfortunately we don't live in a small village I don't know a lot of the people she is friends with, she has at times put herself in danger and some of the people she has contact with etc are not very desirable :sigh: but as you say she is old enough to make her own decisons :( and I need to clarify what are the workable rules and try and switch off a bit I suppose for my own sanity which isn't great at the best of times :rolleyes:
     
  5. stillscrapping

    stillscrapping Full Member

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    Poor you Emsie, I know what it is like but as Michelle says you just have to let her make her own decisions even though it is so hard. I would probably suggest that as she still lives at home she considers your feeling and lets you know if she will be home that night. Mine used to text my mobile so if I got up in the morning and their bed was empty at least I could check the phone.
    If there was no message and no sign of them I rang them up and everyone else I could think of until they got the message that it was only curtesy to let me know. It would also stop all the embarassing phone calls off mum!!

    Not much help I'm afraid. :(
     
  6. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    You need to talk to her and come to an agreement about what is acceptable.
    My dort moved out age 19 she's 20 now I just have to trust her and I do, I taught her to stand up for herself to not take silly risks, luckily she's not really interested in alcohol and doesn't get falling down drunk like her mates!

    So to stop you being awake all night ask her if she can stay with a friend if she'll be out after a certain time. Or to let you know in advance. But make it a discussion rather than a rule!

    BTW my Dort is moving home again lol!
     
  7. AmyS

    AmyS is on the road to Slimdon

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    As someone who moved back home after uni, I found it difficult going from having complete freedom in what time I got home to having to answer to my dad!

    At the end of the day though, I respected that I was living in his house and that naturally he was going to worry about me!

    We had an agreement that I told him where I was going (pub, town, friends etc) and what time I thought I might be back be it 11pm, 2am or 5am! He didn't ask questions or say I couldn't go - that was my decision but likewise he wasn't worrying at midnight if I wasn't due back for another few hours.

    That being said, I am not sure he actually went to sleep until he heard me come in and always had the phone upstairs in case I needed to ring him for a lift!! (What can I say - I am the baby and will always be spoilt by my dad!)

    I think it is best to give your daughter the freedom to make her own decisions but she needs to respect that you are a parent and naturally will worry! Don't ask for the in's and out's of what she will be doing but a rough idea of a time to back is not much to ask!

    Hope all works out!

    Amy xx
     
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  8. Bunnylush

    Bunnylush Gold Member

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    I have a 19 yr old boy, who never has credit on his phone. I honestly do not know what time he will be in ever. I will not give him a key,but we have a dog ,so I'm happy leaving back door open. We are fortunate to live in a tiny village, I do know he's in the village ,either down park,round mates. So although it's been really tough adjusting to lack of control, there really isn't another option. I find it very hard getting him to be reasonable regarding rules, I mean I can't ground him or take his toys away any longer. It's usually only weekends they like staying out late,so it's not that bad. I had no mobile phone at that age,I drove ,and I can't remember being told I had to be in, I stayed out all night occasionally ,but you don't realise you're Mothers worried until you become one x

    My 17 yr old boy has a mobile with credit on for his safety,but he will let me know where he is if out late of a weekend,same again,he's never more than 5/10 mins away in this village.
     
  9. *Emsie*

    *Emsie* Gold Member

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    When I was that age i had my own home and her so don't know the rules from that perspective either :rolleyes: Oh its hard work being a parent!
    Thanks for the replies it helps to know others opinions and that I am not the only one!
     
  10. HelsAngel

    HelsAngel Silver Member

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    I'm 32 and I still live at home!!

    When I was 18-20 or so and had a very active social life I made a deal with my Mum.

    I wrote down all of the bars I would likely go to and the names and numbers of the people I was going out with, not for her to stalk me but to put her mind at rest. I ALWAYS used the same taxi rank/company and if I wasn't going to be home when I said I was, I made a promise to let her know that I was going to be late or that I was staying at a friends, even if that meant calling her at 3am. That said, it was before everyone had a mobile phone as standard and you couldn't text cross-network.

    I knew she'd never call "The Flour and Firkin" and ask if I was there or check with Keith the Kebab man to see if I'd been in for my burger yet etc. but it put her mind at rest and she knew that if she needed to find me in an emergency or whatever, she'd know where to start looking.

    As I'm supposedly a grown up now, I still tell her that I'm going to town/to a friends/ and I'll call if I need to but even now, if I get home late, I'll still pop my head around the door and tell her I'm home. To this day, she's always still awake!!

    My brother however, disappears for days and no one knows where he is but no one ever questions it!

    I'm looking at houses this weekend and even when I've moved out, she'll probably worry more that I'll burn the house down or haven't paid the gas bill!!
     
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  11. Bunnylush

    Bunnylush Gold Member

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    I think if you are not in a small village, to put your mind at rest I guess the only way is to provide her with a mobile with credit or contract, and ask to be texted if she knows she's going to be late. Or have peace of mind she can call you/police/ friends whatever if she needs.

    I think everyone who tells you spend all this time bringing kids up 'properly' never had teenagers,lol as in reality no matter what you've done/ taught them they are usually selfish species who only think of their mates and couldn't give a monkeys uncle for anything else xx
     
  12. Minimunchkins

    Minimunchkins Gold Member

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    I think we're always going to worry about our babes - mine is 29 with 3 kids of her own, but I still worry occasionally. She moved out & had her own mortgage at 18 - so I know she's sensible but ....

    You'll have to decide whether you want her to remain at home - if she feels that you're constantly 'nagging' she could fly the nest and I think that would be 100% worse for you - worry wise.

    I agree with the posts above, insomuch as you two need to sit down and talk it all over. She needs to appreciate where you're coming from & that you don't want to stalk but with the world we live in now, you just need to know that she's safe.

    If we could bottle these 'moments' it'd be brilliant to play them back to our little girls when they have princesses of their own.
     
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  13. Bunnylush

    Bunnylush Gold Member

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    I'm 44 and my Mother still tells me to shut windows, don't light candles, and all manner of stupid things!
     
  14. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    I bought my Dort a contract for her phone from age 14!
     
  15. Bunnylush

    Bunnylush Gold Member

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    I got my youngest a sim on,y with orange. Told him if he went over he would pay. He hasn't gone over. He gets free texts £15 month. He pays me £15 a month but it's in my name. His Dad bought a blackberry . I don't do it for eldest as he would et all and sundry use his phone and not be willing to pay me back for it,so it's his loss till he grows up ;) he could chose to use his money putting credit on his phone,but he doesn't,so while he thinks like that I will too x
     
  16. JackieN

    JackieN Gold Member

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    My eldest is 19 next week. On two or three occassions fairly recently he has 'popped out' and not returned :eek: 1 text would be nice, staying out mum or be back in the morning, but nope silence. So I then panick incase hurt etc etc.

    I have laid the law down on this. He can do as he pleases within reason but IF not coming home or coming home really really late I expect a text to stop me worrying.

    I also have a rule of in by midnight on a work night as he once wandered in at 5.30 am to go to work at 7 and I had been up all night :rolleyes:

    I don't have many rules but the few I have I do try to make him stick to as most are about common courtesy (sometimes he doesn't have any :cry:)

    I find it hard, I left home at 18 and fended for myself so I don't have much to compare it with. I so sympathise with you, its hard being a Mum at times :family2:
     
  17. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    I''ve got to say I feel awful, because I don't really worry, never have, am I a bad Mum?
    I've never stayed up waiting.

    The only reason I got Dort a contract for her phone is because she has Epilepsy (mild).
    I was so wild at her age, and I know she's nothing like I was.
    I worry more for my son since he was mugged for his phone and because he's a big 14 (almost 15) year old stupid macho types keep offering him a fight! He's also the most sensible person I've ever met!
     
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  19. lucyc35

    lucyc35 Full Member

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    It's really difficult for them to understand how u feel but one day, she may have a family of her own and be in the exact same situation u are in and will be asking u for advice on how to deal with it. What a moment to look forward too :)
     
  20. Bunnylush

    Bunnylush Gold Member

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    Lol,my Son always says his kids will be able to do whatever and he will be king of chill! H,m,m

    Shirleen you're not awful, I'm a worry pot! I make things up to worry about! A lot comes from my Mother/ past/ ex/ mental breakdown/ the list goes on. I'm the Queen of "what if??????" happens.

    Some people don't think of anything to worry about until the situation happens, I don't know how lol, but that's how you're built. Xx
     
  21. *Emsie*

    *Emsie* Gold Member

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    I don't feel ready for her to leave home yet but wish it was a bit easier to have her living here!
    She seems to go out more on week nights than weekend which drives me mad as sometimes we'd like her to go out so we could have a bit of time together if you know what I mean ;)
    We are going to have to have words today because Thurs she went out after college(assuming she went thurs) didn't communicate about it until a text late at night saying she was staying out and when i queried the fact she had college the next day she said she would get train from where she was. I didn't believe this and either she didn't go to college for part or all of her day and then she went out again during the day yesterday wasn't back to cook tea and load dishwasher as she was down on rota to do and then came back prob 7ish and went to bed!!!!
    So lots of stuff to sort! She hasn't been too bad for a while but this week she has been out late a few nights which is part of why I am concerned as to who and or what is keeping her out!
    Oh and its the way they are all independent when it suits and then when it doesn't suit suddenly they need your support again (like she has been out spending all her money and then now its spent its whooops I havent got my money to get to college next week what do I do!)
    And breathe .........
     
  22. stillscrapping

    stillscrapping Full Member

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    Oh it is so hard, sending hugs anyway.:bighug:
     
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