chunkychicken
Full Member
Hi Sez,
You appear to have fallen into my favourite trap with the veggies!
I frequently seem to "blip" after a good weigh in result. I never seem to get to the bottom of why with a TR so if you have any breakthrough's please share won't you?
All I can come up with is that I still revert to rewarding myself with food. I seem to have broken the self medicating cycle of eating as a comfort (this was my biggest problem) but I still struggle to break the association of a celebration (no matter how small) with food. A good weigh in result definitely qualifies as a "celebration" enough for me to want to celebrate with food and also I think in the back of my mind the old WW behaviour sneaks back in. You know the one where you go to your weigh in and get your "treat" on the way home because you have a whole week to get whatever weight you may put on, off again and then some.....
Silly isn't it how my brain has been programmed over the years - and what is amazing is that since doing LL I keep finding associations with eating in the weirdest of places. A list of places and things and feelings I have found associations with food so far....
1. celebrations
2. comfort
3. reward for hard work of any kind
4. long car journeys (?? for some reason I think that equates to sweets??)
5. Motorway services (ditto)
6. Cinema (what is the point in going without popcorn?)
7. Petrol Stations
8. Going anywhere alone = food, food and more food
9. Starbucks (taken me ages to not feel deprived with just a coffee and no cake)
10. Being left alone at home = this is my signal to eat as much food as humanly possible before someone comes back
11. Feeling ignored
12. Baking (I know, I know of course this is food - but I deliberately bake far too much of anything I am making because then I know that there will be leftovers which I will be able to pick at when no one is looking)
13. Holidays ... this is a BIG one. In my mind my best holidays are remembered in a almost photographic memory of meal to meal. Not places I visited or people I met. This is something I am most ashamed of. How much of my life was clouded by food and greediness? I barely recognise myself back then. In fact, I disgust myself.
The list goes on and on and on. That is just a snapshot. I can happily say that I have broken most of these associations now and feel like I am scrabbling back more and more "time" that was lost to this constant food obsession. It has been a battle and, as I mentioned above, a painful experience to face my pre-LL self without the raft of rubbish excuses I always had ready to explain my actions back then.
When I picture the pre-LL Laura, the image that comes to mind is a desperate, filthy, greedy, sweaty, disgusting feral pig, living in some dark alleyway, scared of everything. Hiding behind my trough and snapping angrily at anyone who dared to try to help me.
I am by no means now "done" and I still have a way to go before I can forgive myself and accept who I was and who I am now. I think once I can do that I will have a clearer picture of everything to move forward with. At the moment, I still seem to want to “blame” someone for my weight issues – even if that someone is “me before the diet”.
It is hard to explain this – but I have totally disassociated with the pre-LL Laura at the moment. I find it hard to look at pictures of me “before” and genuinely don’t recognize myself mentally as being the same person I am now and have always been. That sounds insane and I have toyed with deleting this whole last paragraph – but I am going to leave it in, just in case anyone else has an opinion which may help me reconcile this. It is my no means a “big deal” to me currently. I still have so much work to do to complete RtM and Management before I can tackle this, but I hope that one day I can move forward leaving all the blame for lost time and opportunities behind me.
This is a lot of navel gazing for a Friday morning isn’t it?
Hope you all have a good day
Love Laura
You appear to have fallen into my favourite trap with the veggies!
I frequently seem to "blip" after a good weigh in result. I never seem to get to the bottom of why with a TR so if you have any breakthrough's please share won't you?
All I can come up with is that I still revert to rewarding myself with food. I seem to have broken the self medicating cycle of eating as a comfort (this was my biggest problem) but I still struggle to break the association of a celebration (no matter how small) with food. A good weigh in result definitely qualifies as a "celebration" enough for me to want to celebrate with food and also I think in the back of my mind the old WW behaviour sneaks back in. You know the one where you go to your weigh in and get your "treat" on the way home because you have a whole week to get whatever weight you may put on, off again and then some.....
Silly isn't it how my brain has been programmed over the years - and what is amazing is that since doing LL I keep finding associations with eating in the weirdest of places. A list of places and things and feelings I have found associations with food so far....
1. celebrations
2. comfort
3. reward for hard work of any kind
4. long car journeys (?? for some reason I think that equates to sweets??)
5. Motorway services (ditto)
6. Cinema (what is the point in going without popcorn?)
7. Petrol Stations
8. Going anywhere alone = food, food and more food
9. Starbucks (taken me ages to not feel deprived with just a coffee and no cake)
10. Being left alone at home = this is my signal to eat as much food as humanly possible before someone comes back
11. Feeling ignored
12. Baking (I know, I know of course this is food - but I deliberately bake far too much of anything I am making because then I know that there will be leftovers which I will be able to pick at when no one is looking)
13. Holidays ... this is a BIG one. In my mind my best holidays are remembered in a almost photographic memory of meal to meal. Not places I visited or people I met. This is something I am most ashamed of. How much of my life was clouded by food and greediness? I barely recognise myself back then. In fact, I disgust myself.
The list goes on and on and on. That is just a snapshot. I can happily say that I have broken most of these associations now and feel like I am scrabbling back more and more "time" that was lost to this constant food obsession. It has been a battle and, as I mentioned above, a painful experience to face my pre-LL self without the raft of rubbish excuses I always had ready to explain my actions back then.
When I picture the pre-LL Laura, the image that comes to mind is a desperate, filthy, greedy, sweaty, disgusting feral pig, living in some dark alleyway, scared of everything. Hiding behind my trough and snapping angrily at anyone who dared to try to help me.
I am by no means now "done" and I still have a way to go before I can forgive myself and accept who I was and who I am now. I think once I can do that I will have a clearer picture of everything to move forward with. At the moment, I still seem to want to “blame” someone for my weight issues – even if that someone is “me before the diet”.
It is hard to explain this – but I have totally disassociated with the pre-LL Laura at the moment. I find it hard to look at pictures of me “before” and genuinely don’t recognize myself mentally as being the same person I am now and have always been. That sounds insane and I have toyed with deleting this whole last paragraph – but I am going to leave it in, just in case anyone else has an opinion which may help me reconcile this. It is my no means a “big deal” to me currently. I still have so much work to do to complete RtM and Management before I can tackle this, but I hope that one day I can move forward leaving all the blame for lost time and opportunities behind me.
This is a lot of navel gazing for a Friday morning isn’t it?
Hope you all have a good day
Love Laura
