Morning Cake!
Boy oh boy did I identify with your post.
"...for me its a real admission. I have always liked to be in complete control of whats going on in my life and I see anxiety in myself as a sign of weakness. Its funny because I don't feel that way about other's concerns..."
I am exactly the same.
"...She also said that people who are very controlled put a lid on their worries and can turn to food to supress their feelings..."
Yup, that makes sense...
"...Now I look your journey AJ and you show such control and commitment that I am quite envious..." "...I am still on a tightrope..."
At the moment I seem to have found the key which opens the door to success... but like you, I am walking a tightrope and feel that I could lose that 'key' at any time, if I take my eye off the ball.
"...I don't DO enough generally and that life is passing me by..."
Yeah, I feel the same. I wonder if it is partly that we are waiting until that day when we are at goal weight ... then we can have a life. Life is on hold until then. Then it becomes a habit, this aimlessness, loss of focus.
It is Sunday and we haven't made any plans for today. Why not? What is to stop us going for a family swim, walk in the woods, visit friends? Our usual routine involves reading the papers (takes ages) and watch TV.
"...I just want to be in control around food and not let it dictate who I am..."
Again, that's my goal. I am not under any illusions though. It will take years probably for this to become a habit rather than something I have to consciously think about, plan for, and be vigilent about.
"...I will stop giving into my rebellious child who is always 'me,me,me' and 'I want, I want, I want'..."
Yes, that's me to a tee! But no more, I have to move on and think of the consequenses of my actions ... time to grow up, I think!
"...She is not careful about what she eats and has what she wants when she is hungry. I wish so much to be like that but I still haven't found out what it takes..."
Your sister does not use food to cope with feelings like you have learned to do.
You are already learning how your thought processes affect your eating behaviour. That is an important first step to changing that behaviour. The next is to put in place tools or aids to help you chose other ways to cope with feelings i.e. thought records, journal. Then develop these new behaviours until they become habitual - this is a long-term goal and may take years.
Your life is a journey which is unique to you. Each mistake is an opportunity to learn something, it doesn't make you a failure, it is an important part of the journey. Sometimes we have to keep making the same mistakes over and over before we are able to 'learn' from them and move on.
If I am doing well with the LL programme so far, it is simply because I have amassed thirty years of dieting 'mistakes' and have now, at last, begun to learn from them! About bl***y time too!
Keep your pecker up, Cake! You'll make it!