The weirdest thing happened to me this week.....having doubts about wedding

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Pixie, 21 April 2007 Social URL.

  1. Pixie

    Pixie Silver Member

    So I've lost loads of weight-FAB,
    But, I went out for the first time in ages last night and got loads of male attention, and I found it really hard to handle...
    Basically I put on 5st about 6 years ago just before I met my fiance.
    He's been really strange with me since I lost weight and doesn't even kiss me anymore.
    We seem to be falling out all the time and our wedding is only 3 months away now :s
    Although we have lived together for 5 years I feel like i don't know him anymore, he's always in a mood although he claims its nothing to do with my weight loss Im paranoid that it is.
    So anyway I was really flattered by the men chatting me up last night buying me drinks etc especially one who I work with who is gorgeous and single and now I'm wondering if getting married is the right thing to do.
    When I was fat I think I just felt grateful somebody wanted me but now I feel like such a cow for even thinking these things :confused:
    I do love my Fiance but I hate the way he has been acting recently and the fact he won't ever come near me anymore I dunno if I am just craving some affection.
    Please help!
    Has anyone felt similar?
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  3. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

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    I've not been in a similar situation - but think you MUST sit him down and talk to him about your fears. Could it be wedding jitters??? Either way, you two must talk before you get married and make sure it is still what BOTH of you want.

    Sorry I could not be of more help .... but keep posting and hope it works out well for you.
  4. kazz

    kazz Gold Member

    You need to talk to your fiancee hun, tell him exactly how you feel right now. Theres nuttin wrong with craving affection, but he could be feeling very insecure right now cos you have done so fab at your weight loss and dats why its important to sort it all out
  5. Happe

    Happe escaping the fat

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    Think you really need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you are feeling. Men are very good at witholding affection to punish even if they dont do it consciously. Most would never admit it but its about control, when we are fat we lack confidence and are happier to stay in with them, that puts us in their control then once we start feeling the butterfly effect of weight loss and reclaim our lives they dont like it. We move outside of their comfort zones. Lifes too short to settle. Talk to him and make sure its what you both still want.
  6. sonkie

    sonkie Gold Member

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    measure up
    Ditto what everyone else has said, you need to sort it before the wedding day arrives.
  7. Pixie

    Pixie Silver Member

    :( Thanks guys I will speak to him tonight
  8. Sez

    Sez has started again!!

    I echo the talk to him sentiments. I suspect his behaviour could just be insecurity, after all, you have changed from a large lady who he was happy to have to himself, to a slimmer lady who just maybe, is going to attract other male attention. He might just be rebelling against the thought of losing you. DO sit down and have a real H2H with him, as a marriage is never easy at the best of times and you both need to be totally certain the time is right for you.

    I really hope you reach the right conclusion for you both.

    lots of hugs,
    ANNTEXT likes this.
  9. chunkychicken

    chunkychicken Full Member

    Can't agree enough with the advice so far. You MUST MUST talk together asap. It is easy to assume the worst when affection dries up, but he may just be feeling like he doesn't know how to "handle" you for want of a better word. Everyone has a "role" in a relationship - massive weightloss can easily change this balance and he may be feeling very lost and insecure.
    However, regardless of what is happening with him you also need to be sure how you are feeling before you enter into something like marriage. Speaking as someone who is currently getting divorced (after only a year of marriage) I also had doubts before the wedding but thought it was 1. jitters and 2. even if it was more serious than that - it was too late to do anything about it. As I told myself, I had made my bed I had to lie in it. This only resulted in misery.
    Speak to him properly and give him a chance, if your reaction to male attention was simply in reaction to lack of attention at home and you are still in love - go for it. If not, I can only suggest some very honest conversations and careful decisions. Life is too short to be unhappy.
    take care.
    Mini and ANNTEXT like this.
  10. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

    Huge hugs for you! Its a tough one..the not kissing may be the breath by the way - not making light of it, just an idea & maybe he doesent want t hurt your feelings!! If yours is anything like mine....!!
    All you can do is be honest & talk openly with each other. He may be worried that you will run off with someone else and you may be finding the "real" you as the weight drops off..its a huge time of transition for you & wedding planning is hugely stressful at the best of times...
    Really hope you resolve this one way or heart really does go out to you, let us know hw you get on!

    ANNTEXT Full Member

    weight watchers (points)
    As above i agree sit down and have a word with him about how u feel!

    well i lost weight and partner sometimes don't touch me for weeks but we sat down and talked -


    he said to me he was worried as may more bloke are looking at me in a street and he finds it hard to say that i am his -
    as before he was happy as he never had to fight bloke off me (sounds rude i know but he was honest)

    so he said how it makes him feel like a idoit and he was worried i would move on - even thou i am engaged to him and wanna get married to him!

    i hope everything works out well and i hope this might help maybe he feels soem of this - but remember blokes never like to say it even if they think it!

    xx hugs xx but i would say do not run off just because he not giving you attention! x show him more - maybe x

    or he very stressed with a wedding and saying his words -
    worried if a day will be what you want it to be!
  12. katie_oxo

    katie_oxo Silver Member

    Pixie I hope your chat this evening went well and that you are now feeling sure of yours and his feelings. You are doing the best thing by chatting and being honest with each other.


  13. Geri

    Geri Gold Member

    Hiya Pixie,
    just sending you some :hug99: :hug99: Hope you managed to have the chat with him last night, and get things out in the open...

  14. In search of me

    In search of me Silver Member

    Thinking of you....
  15. Sunflowers

    Sunflowers Wants to be a yummy mummy

    Hiya babe, it's H07-07-07..

    Sorry to read this thread, must be hard for you.... You've done so well - and inspired so many of us other brides to lose weight...

    Did you chat to h2b last night? I think losing weight changes all of us, there's a photo on the inspiration thread which I really related to, in her before photo she looked so so sad, reaching out for someone to help her become who she wanted to be.. In her after photo she looks so carefree and happy!

    It's, also very possibly, a little bit of realisation dawning.. We're getting married - quite a big step! With it only being 11 weeks away for me, and about the same for you, it does make you sit back and think about what we're doing.. A little nerves are normal!

    Hope you were able to talk things through with him, it might have been he didn't realise.. You've picked up that he isn't giving you as much affection - are you trying to give it to him? I know in the past, if I thought someone was drawing away from me in a relationship I would subconsciously draw back to in a bid to protect myself.. He would then see me being distant and become distant back - thereby only reaffirming the fact he was being distant with me.. Might there be a little of that going on?

    Hang on in there babe, remember everything you've worked for with this wedding!!

  16. hippoellie

    hippoellie CDC

    Hi Pixie- how is it going? I am sorry I missed this thread last night, but my advice would have been the same as everyone's! Your OH may be feeling insecure- my OH has been joking about me being snapped up by someone else etc ever since the weight loss started to be noticable- well it is a joke but I sense a little bit of insecurity underneath that, even though my OH knows I am still very much in love.

    But marriage is a huge commitment, so you must be sure, because all the heartache that could come if it turns out to be a mistake is not worth avoiding having the conversation- my OH was within 6 weeks of getting married once but doubts surfaced- the conversation was had and they went their separate ways- it was painful but not as painful as it might have been if there had been a marriage and even kids.

    Also, I personally feel that some of my weight has been a safety valve to keep me on the straight and narrow. I love to flirt and in the past I could have been quite a slut! I want to be faithful very much, and I do know that weight loss will bring more attention- but I have to believe that I am mature enough now to flirt a little without compromising my relationship. But I fully understand what you were saying about the feeling grateful/feeling wanted set of feelings. You will have to look deep within yourself now- amazing weight loss seems to inspire all sorts of changes in people- for me it looks like a massive career change and a downshift in lifestyle, for others it might be deciding to have kids, for some it might be to re examine current relationships. Weight isn't just flesh, being overweight is a way of life and an emotional response- losing that weight can release so much pent up emotions and attitudes, a freeing up of our imaginations- I don't think anyone who has not been overweight and gone through such a journey to lose it can ever understand.

    Sorry this is such a ramble, but I am thinking of you, and I hope you have had the opportunity to explore this with your fiance in a rational way.

    All the best to you
    Mini and Happe like this.
  17. Sez

    Sez has started again!!

    Thinking of you this morning Pixie. Hope all went well for you both, and that you have been able to air all the things have been troubling you both.

    Keep chatting here, when you need to. IT really helps.

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  19. littleblue

    littleblue Full Member

    Lighter Life
    Just wanted to add to the above a healthwarning! I know it must be fantastic getting lots of male attention now, but don't forget you are a "safe" flirt for them if they know you are soon to be married. Don't throw away what you've got, if it is what you really want, because you think there is something better out there.
    How fantastic to have found a man who loved you at your "worst". if the guys who were flirting knew you before you lost weight and didn't flirt then it only goes to prove how shallow they are!
    slinkytobe likes this.
  20. Heaven can wait

    Heaven can wait Silver Member

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    Hi Pixie, So glad you have started to think seriously about this, many people just blindly go ahead and hope it will turn out okay, partly becuase they think its too late to call it off. Too many women find themselves trapped in marriages bound together by financial and children issues, so if you are not 101% sure my answer is dont do it! postpone, and give it more time, you need to live your new life a bit first. 5 stones is an enormous amount to lose, life altering , this is not just you wanting to fit in a size or two smaller wedding dress , so you will look good on the photos.

    I think he may be having trouble adjusting to the more attractive you, and is terrified he is going to lose you to someone 'more worthy' of the new you. If its just insecurity you will probaly be able to work it through, however you must get it sorted before you marry,as you may end up regaining the weight just to make him happy and secure again, and believe me you will live the rest of your life in misery and resent him for it.
    He could of course just simply prefer fat women, apparently there are plenty chubby chasers out there.............if thats the case, ditch him and get off with the bloke from work!
    Hope it works out .
    Love C
  21. skinnyminny

    skinnyminny Full Member

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    Oh my god you are SOOOOO on the mooney with those comments.

    Pix - hope it all went well last night, since losing my weight my hubby has not commented at all except to say my nose looked boney :confused: :confused: I have to force every comment out of him, that said he did not say a word when I went from a size 8 to a size 18 - so I guess he prefers not to talk about it at all LOL.

    Please let us know how you got on.

    sending lots of cyber hugs:hug99: xx
  22. nixx

    nixx Full Member

    I SO identify with this. When I lost loads of weight previously, it made me realise that other men did find me attractive, and I wasn't really stuck with the miserable, mean man to whom I was married. I'm a natural flirt and nature took it's course and our marriage ultimately ended because he couldn't or wouldn't move with me. I had a rare old time, for sure, and loved every minute of it.

    I'm with someone else now, and have been for 3 years, and am now just starting out on losing large amount again, and have to admit this past side of me worries me slightly, nut like you, hippoellie, hope that I'm a bit more grown up now and can flirt without compromising my relationship. This relationship is so, so much better than my marriage was, so I'm sure it will be different. I've also been very open with my feeling about this with my OH, so it will be something we can cope with together.

    Hope your chat went well, OP, you have some long, hard thinking to do. Sorry for hijacking your thread, too.
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