Oh my goodness. I so disappeared didnt I? I cant believe how time has flown. And all that has happened since I was last on here!!!
Well, biggest news is that I had my foot surgery at the beginning of Aug. Its nearly 11 weeks now, so I am on the road to recovery, but very slowly. Its been really tough, I wont lie, but more so because of what I havent been able to do. The first 6-8 weeks are all about healing but then the slow getting back to learning to walk etc, starts and thats not easy - by any means. The lack of independence has killed me but as of 2 days ago, I now have an automatic that I can drive and get around in which is wonderful. I am still in an air boot most of the time, so am finding that that is so restrictive, although now Im not using both crutches, I have more freedom!! All this meaning being able to shop/prepare meals, etc.
So, weight wise where am I?? In a very very confused and quite frankly miserable place. I gained after my op - no surprise there - and am now basically at my heaviest ever. My a*se is a ledge - literally. So I decided to join SW online, as getting to class was proving to be impossible for me, and to be quite honest, Im not sure what class I even want to go to here where I live. I joined 3 weeks ago, and have had 2 weigh ins so far - first week 1lb down, second week, 1lb up, this week, 1lb down.
< that is EXACTLY how I feel and what I feel like doing. I go through so many thought processes in the space of a minute, I feel like I am cracking up. (can you tell I have wayyyyy to much time on my hands)..... I will hold both hands up and admit that each week I have definitely fallen into total emotional and resentment eating after each weigh day. Gain or loss, Ive not been happy with either. I have so much to lose, that I just dont know why its not shifting easier - even with the off plan eating, which, as far as Im concerned, is not that freaking bad compared to some Ive seen and they have losses. So, Im just going to have to find a way to really move past weigh day disappointment binging because that is what Im blaming my slow losses on - which is probably exactly what is causing them. But how to do that?? Im bloody human for goodness sake. Why oh why oh why cant I be one of those super SWers, who loses a few lbs every week, even if they slip..... it gets me thinking is SW right for me, then I go into a brain frenzy, what will I do, Ive tried this and that and they didnt work, will I try this or that again, no, then will I try calorie counting with SW, will I try fasting, will I try jaw wiring...... oh the list is endless and I get taken in for nano seconds by the shiny advertisements you see, then realise that number 1, I dont have the money, and number 2, why would I waste the money even if I had it!!!!
So, what to do. I mean, this morning I woke up and thought, fluck it, Im taking a few days off to regroup my thoughts - I thought immediately, ooh, that means I could have toast and butter....... drool, drool, then I thought, WHAT THE EVEN F....... I stood on the scales this morning and am 3lbs up from weigh in on fri - see how damned easily that goes on... and thats only with a little bit of off plan eating - and heres where I am this minute - I feel defeated, sad, resigned, angry, full of resentment, very down, and quite frankly terrified. Terrified that Im just going to get heavier and heavier. I have always been that person who gets back up and pushes forward - its the one thing that I have actually been proud of myself for, but its getting harder and harder. And do you know what else - I feel utter shame - Ive been doing SW now since last Sept, and Im heavier than when I started. Everyone knows I do it - I have a fb page for goodness sake that has lovely healthy recipes, so in terms of social media Im out there - but Im no example to anyone. I feel people must be laughing at me. I have no idea what to do with my life moving forward, but I had always fancied maybe applying to be a sw consultant - people telling me time and again I would be brilliant - BUT - I just feel like I big fat failure.
Lordy, have I ranted. I needed it though. Please, any words of wisdom would be so very appreciated. I know I know - stick to plan 100%..... but even when I do - ugh....
