Extra Easy This is weird!!!

I do the shop in our group an not had them in yet hopefully this week my kids always rob me for the rocky road ones I'm gonna try get back on plan need a kick up the bum but had to buy a 16 joggers the other day makes a change from 18/20 yay good luck for this week Hun
I have to hide my bars!!! I tried to get our leader to cut up a few bars for tasters - I know more would have tried them, but she refused. I do weigh in our group. Just a question, does your consultant do anything to say thanks for being on the social team??
So, Im having good days. not going off plan, even though Im suffering with a lot of pain issues at the moment. I have realised that Im too good at making excuses, and it has to stop. I could be at my goal now if I hadnt f*rted around, and Im so ashamed of myself for this fact
The weekend is always a bit of a toughy for me. I tend to wobble a bit, so Im going to have to really pull my strong head on. I should be having my surgery in July, so I could easily lose another half stone by then, and I know that health wise and mobility wise that it will be the best thing to do.... So its head down and motor on.
Did anyone watch "losing weight for love"?? Very interesting. They all did so well - but who wouldnt when you have the support of that team.
Anyways, thats it for me.
Happy Friday!!!
My consultant has not given us anything but a group I used to go to at the end of year party she buys all the helpers a big bouquet of flowers , tried the milkshake ones today vey sweet I know what you mean about a tuff weekend I'm home alone with my two kids while my partner is away with my oldest boy. It's good you have a ruff date for surgery nothing is quick with hospitals good luck for the weekend hope you have a good one
Oh my goodness. I so disappeared didnt I? I cant believe how time has flown. And all that has happened since I was last on here!!!
Well, biggest news is that I had my foot surgery at the beginning of Aug. Its nearly 11 weeks now, so I am on the road to recovery, but very slowly. Its been really tough, I wont lie, but more so because of what I havent been able to do. The first 6-8 weeks are all about healing but then the slow getting back to learning to walk etc, starts and thats not easy - by any means. The lack of independence has killed me but as of 2 days ago, I now have an automatic that I can drive and get around in which is wonderful. I am still in an air boot most of the time, so am finding that that is so restrictive, although now Im not using both crutches, I have more freedom!! All this meaning being able to shop/prepare meals, etc.
So, weight wise where am I?? In a very very confused and quite frankly miserable place. I gained after my op - no surprise there - and am now basically at my heaviest ever. My a*se is a ledge - literally. So I decided to join SW online, as getting to class was proving to be impossible for me, and to be quite honest, Im not sure what class I even want to go to here where I live. I joined 3 weeks ago, and have had 2 weigh ins so far - first week 1lb down, second week, 1lb up, this week, 1lb down. :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: < that is EXACTLY how I feel and what I feel like doing. I go through so many thought processes in the space of a minute, I feel like I am cracking up. (can you tell I have wayyyyy to much time on my hands)..... I will hold both hands up and admit that each week I have definitely fallen into total emotional and resentment eating after each weigh day. Gain or loss, Ive not been happy with either. I have so much to lose, that I just dont know why its not shifting easier - even with the off plan eating, which, as far as Im concerned, is not that freaking bad compared to some Ive seen and they have losses. So, Im just going to have to find a way to really move past weigh day disappointment binging because that is what Im blaming my slow losses on - which is probably exactly what is causing them. But how to do that?? Im bloody human for goodness sake. Why oh why oh why cant I be one of those super SWers, who loses a few lbs every week, even if they slip..... it gets me thinking is SW right for me, then I go into a brain frenzy, what will I do, Ive tried this and that and they didnt work, will I try this or that again, no, then will I try calorie counting with SW, will I try fasting, will I try jaw wiring...... oh the list is endless and I get taken in for nano seconds by the shiny advertisements you see, then realise that number 1, I dont have the money, and number 2, why would I waste the money even if I had it!!!!

So, what to do. I mean, this morning I woke up and thought, fluck it, Im taking a few days off to regroup my thoughts - I thought immediately, ooh, that means I could have toast and butter....... drool, drool, then I thought, WHAT THE EVEN F....... I stood on the scales this morning and am 3lbs up from weigh in on fri - see how damned easily that goes on... and thats only with a little bit of off plan eating - and heres where I am this minute - I feel defeated, sad, resigned, angry, full of resentment, very down, and quite frankly terrified. Terrified that Im just going to get heavier and heavier. I have always been that person who gets back up and pushes forward - its the one thing that I have actually been proud of myself for, but its getting harder and harder. And do you know what else - I feel utter shame - Ive been doing SW now since last Sept, and Im heavier than when I started. Everyone knows I do it - I have a fb page for goodness sake that has lovely healthy recipes, so in terms of social media Im out there - but Im no example to anyone. I feel people must be laughing at me. I have no idea what to do with my life moving forward, but I had always fancied maybe applying to be a sw consultant - people telling me time and again I would be brilliant - BUT - I just feel like I big fat failure.

Lordy, have I ranted. I needed it though. Please, any words of wisdom would be so very appreciated. I know I know - stick to plan 100%..... but even when I do - ugh....
So, Ive calmed down a bit since my last post. I think I just had to get that out of my system!!!!
Its being a good week. Weigh day tomorrow. Who knows what that holds. Do I start all the "pre-weigh day rituals" - eating what I perceive to be "lighter" food? Waiting for my tummy to growl? Drink more or less (can never decide)? Make a pact with myself that I wont eat too many syns? Then end up maxing them out and going to bed angry? wonder will I take some aloe vera tablets to "cleanse" my bowl?
All the above said with tongue in cheek obviously, but, maybe not too much!!!
My food has been good. I think Ive been more conscious of portion sizes, although my wonderful daughter did deconstructed shepherds pie last night and the bowl was overflowing - and I ate to stuff - I will admit it. Part of my overweightedness is from just that - Some foods I just adore the taste - I KNOW Im full but I just want that taste... more and more.... Am I the only one!!! ( I did syn it accordingly - thankfully I checked with her and she had put butter into the mash, so syned!!).
I did start a food diary, but I know I will struggle to come and keep that updated, but here is an idea of what Ive been having -
B - banana
Br - 2 egg muffins (1x salmon, 1x ham), airfrier cherry tomatoes, spoon left over rice/orzo/lentils mix
S - 2 choc fudge bars (heB), pear
D - deconstructed shepherds pie - (3)
S - Butterkist toffee popcorn (5) (thought these were the smaller ones when I bought them), Caramel Freddo (4.5), satsumas.
Hea - skimmed milk.
TOTAL - 12.5
I have to say, thats the highest syns I have had this week, but I had a sweet tooth going on last night.

How am I feeling about weigh in. Quite frankly, I am dreading it. Not because I feel I will have gained, but I just dread my feelings towards my results. If I lose 1lb (which is quite likely), I KNOW I will feel disappointed - I just know - I know myself so well - so why can I not prepare for the disappointment. I know full well that I have the bar raised far too high. I wonder if I lost 3lbs, would I end up being able to find disappointment in that?? I think so. Nothing I do is ever quite enough (in my warped opinion), so in some sort of strange way, am I sabotaging myself each week to avoid disappointment - or to prove to myself that I am a failure even though it causes me utter devastation and anger and other beating up methods. Unfortunately though, that piece of metal in the bathroom also shows me whether I am eating correctly or not. It IS a measure no matter what. It is such a love/hate relationship with them. People have said to me, sure dont weigh, or get someone to read it so you dont know.... Oh no, no, no, no, no.... I need to know that result, BUT I have to learn to put it into context. I have to learn that whatever it shows, THAT IS WHAT IT IS. I have to learn to shut the door, accept what it is, and then, get the next week started. That is what successful weight lossers do. Just take the number as a measure, and move forward. Not go into some sort of beat up mode. Not go into "its not fair"......

Annnnyyywaaaaay, I swear, if determination and pig headedness alone caused weight loss I would have been at target years ago. I have to lose the resentment, the rebellion, the self loathing and the hypercriticism. I have to be nice to myself, or should I say, I have to learn to be nice to myself.

So, there you go - my musings. I will come back over the weekend and let you know!!!

Happy Thursday.