orange_blossom
Full Member
Hi all. I really could use some support, and this looks like one of the nicest bunch of "losers" out there (meant kindly, as in, weight losers).
I'm 50 years old, an empty nester, and have about 86lb to lose. I think that's about 6st2lb? I've yo-yo'd about 20-30 lbs at a time throughout most of my life. But I've never gotten even close to this big, not even when I was pregnant, until the past few years.
I used to be a fairly fit, attractive woman, but now I'm a reclusive, unhealthy blob. Why? Fat is my protection and my shield, I think. A few months after filing for divorce and moving far away from my psycho ex-husband who inflicted life-altering permanent physical damage to me as well as untold emotional trauma, I was in a department store and a man flirted outrageously with me and tried to ask me for a date. Nothing creepy; any other woman would probably have been flattered. But that was a huge trigger for me. The LAST thing I wanted was to attract any man again, or be in a relationship again. Ever. The very idea scared me to death, because I have lived through the hell of not only one but TWO abusive marriages, one short and one about 15 years too long. What's a freaked-out girl to do? I went home and started eating. And ate. And kept eating. Initially it was a comfort thing, like "I need this happy-food!" Then it just got completely out of control. That binge lasted about 3 months. Not kidding. The fatter I got, the more reclusive I became. The more reclusive I became, the less active I was. The less active, the fatter I got. And so on.
I have tried dieting a few times in the past couple of years, but every time I've lost about 20-30 lbs and started to feel a little bit attractive again, I chickened out and gave up, gaining a lot more afterward.
Well, here I am four years later, nearly twice the size I was when I escaped connubial hell. I'm still not ready to date again (hope never to be), but that's a whole other issue. I have completely let myself go. I never even wear makeup any more, nor style my hair, I just comb it straight out of the shower, and pull it into a tight bun while it's still wet. Part of me misses feeling "pretty", but not enough to conquer the fear. I am unrecognizable from the person I once was even as recently as 5 or 10 years ago, and that's ok, even a relief, on many levels.
The issue at hand, though, is that being fat is taking a toll on my health. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my feet are flat, my heart is enlarged, my blood pressure and cholesterol numbers are through the roof. I have heartburn around the clock, so I go through a bottle of antacid tablets each month. I live 40 minutes away from some of the most incredible beaches in the world, and I've never been to any of them because I'm too self-conscious of my fat. I live about 20 minutes away from Disney World, and I have never been there -- I'm not about to pay a couple hundred dollars just to wander around a huge park in hot humid weather with achy knees and feet, heart pounding out of my chest, and short of breath just from walking a short distance. If and when I go, I want to feel well enough to enjoy it!
So my weight loss motivation this time is different: I need to lose weight for my health and because being fat literally HURTS! Joints, heart, lungs, clothes that pinch and bind... ouch. Admittedly I would like to enjoy life again. I've sort of forgotten what that's about. I'd like to finally crawl out from under, rediscover who I really am or can be. Most of all, I know that to finally DO this, I need to somehow find the courage to shed my comforting fat shell, if for no other reason than to feel better physically.
I did try Dukan nearly a year ago, but got scurvy by the time I lost 30lbs (ironic, I know. I have an orange tree and grapefruit tree in my back yard). But the scurvy gave me a convenient excuse to just go off Dukan completely, rather than just modify it or increase vitamin supplements... and I gained it all back plus 10lbs more.
I don't really have a specific diet in mind at this point. Am open to ideas. Thinking of trying Dukan again or similar modified low-carb, since carbs are my "comfort" foods that I've become so addicted to. Only this time I must remember to take vitamins consistently...
I'm 50 years old, an empty nester, and have about 86lb to lose. I think that's about 6st2lb? I've yo-yo'd about 20-30 lbs at a time throughout most of my life. But I've never gotten even close to this big, not even when I was pregnant, until the past few years.
I used to be a fairly fit, attractive woman, but now I'm a reclusive, unhealthy blob. Why? Fat is my protection and my shield, I think. A few months after filing for divorce and moving far away from my psycho ex-husband who inflicted life-altering permanent physical damage to me as well as untold emotional trauma, I was in a department store and a man flirted outrageously with me and tried to ask me for a date. Nothing creepy; any other woman would probably have been flattered. But that was a huge trigger for me. The LAST thing I wanted was to attract any man again, or be in a relationship again. Ever. The very idea scared me to death, because I have lived through the hell of not only one but TWO abusive marriages, one short and one about 15 years too long. What's a freaked-out girl to do? I went home and started eating. And ate. And kept eating. Initially it was a comfort thing, like "I need this happy-food!" Then it just got completely out of control. That binge lasted about 3 months. Not kidding. The fatter I got, the more reclusive I became. The more reclusive I became, the less active I was. The less active, the fatter I got. And so on.
I have tried dieting a few times in the past couple of years, but every time I've lost about 20-30 lbs and started to feel a little bit attractive again, I chickened out and gave up, gaining a lot more afterward.
Well, here I am four years later, nearly twice the size I was when I escaped connubial hell. I'm still not ready to date again (hope never to be), but that's a whole other issue. I have completely let myself go. I never even wear makeup any more, nor style my hair, I just comb it straight out of the shower, and pull it into a tight bun while it's still wet. Part of me misses feeling "pretty", but not enough to conquer the fear. I am unrecognizable from the person I once was even as recently as 5 or 10 years ago, and that's ok, even a relief, on many levels.
The issue at hand, though, is that being fat is taking a toll on my health. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my feet are flat, my heart is enlarged, my blood pressure and cholesterol numbers are through the roof. I have heartburn around the clock, so I go through a bottle of antacid tablets each month. I live 40 minutes away from some of the most incredible beaches in the world, and I've never been to any of them because I'm too self-conscious of my fat. I live about 20 minutes away from Disney World, and I have never been there -- I'm not about to pay a couple hundred dollars just to wander around a huge park in hot humid weather with achy knees and feet, heart pounding out of my chest, and short of breath just from walking a short distance. If and when I go, I want to feel well enough to enjoy it!
So my weight loss motivation this time is different: I need to lose weight for my health and because being fat literally HURTS! Joints, heart, lungs, clothes that pinch and bind... ouch. Admittedly I would like to enjoy life again. I've sort of forgotten what that's about. I'd like to finally crawl out from under, rediscover who I really am or can be. Most of all, I know that to finally DO this, I need to somehow find the courage to shed my comforting fat shell, if for no other reason than to feel better physically.
I did try Dukan nearly a year ago, but got scurvy by the time I lost 30lbs (ironic, I know. I have an orange tree and grapefruit tree in my back yard). But the scurvy gave me a convenient excuse to just go off Dukan completely, rather than just modify it or increase vitamin supplements... and I gained it all back plus 10lbs more.
I don't really have a specific diet in mind at this point. Am open to ideas. Thinking of trying Dukan again or similar modified low-carb, since carbs are my "comfort" foods that I've become so addicted to. Only this time I must remember to take vitamins consistently...
)
