Too much confidence after weight loss is ruining my life :(

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by babelfish, 27 May 2011 Social URL.

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  1. babelfish

    babelfish New Member

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    Hey, I'm a regular poster on minimins and probably quite a lot of you reading this will know who I am, but I wanted to share this very personal concern anonymously. I know it's long but I would appreciate it if you stayed with me until the end :)

    Sometimes I feel as if losing weight has given me far, far too much confidence. I'm only 20, and throughout my teenage years I was very large and never got much attention at school. I was looked down on, made fun of - not because I wasn't a nice person (I've always tried to be very kind to everyone) but because I was larger. I wouldn't say I was bullied, but the so-called popular kids generally stayed away and a good proportion of my school (who were slaves to the popular kids bidding) followed suit and joined in with snide remarks and sneers. I did get on well with everyone individually, but when people were in large groups I was usually an easy target. Like a lot of larger people will also relate with, I was also subject to abuse on the streets, people telling me "Move out the way fatso" etc. I learned to live with this, and I was lucky enough to come from a very loving family and had a close group of friends so that got me through.

    Two years ago, I left school with a good set of exam marks and went to university. I absolutely love university - the people are so much more mature than the people at my school and for me I took it as a fresh start. I even got a boyfriend. At the end of last year, I felt that it was time for me to lose the weight that I felt restricted me my whole life. I started going to the gym, got a personal trainer eating healthy, going for regular beauty sessions. Seven months on and I'm now 8 and a half stone (lost just over 6 stone), got a healthy body and even last night won (in a charity ceremony) "Hottest female" for my course! Everyone's been telling me how fantastic I look. Especially in the last couple of weeks when I reached the 8 stone somethings and the gentle toning from the gym started paying off :D People from school have met me in the supermarket and had to put their hands over their mouths in shock at how much I've changed. I know I sound like a boast but I'm just trying to give you a idea of what it's been like for me. Builders whistling, cars tooting their horns, guys flirting with me like there's no tomorrow, people being a WHOLE lot nicer to me now that I'm ''prettier'', free coffees, endless compliments, conductors letting me off with train fares, even lecturers being weirdly extra nice to me with deadlines etc - all this has hit me like a brick wall - and it's just happened in the last couple of weeks. That, combined with my low confidence etched on to me from my school year, is something that I'm finding it very hard to handle.

    This is where my problem is. I have never, ever, ever been given this type of attention and it's ruining me. It's boosted my ego and now I'm worried it's just boosted it too much. My confidence has soared and I'm terrified that that's a dangerous thing. Last night for instance, I was out with people from uni, including my boyfriend. I was wearing a tight little black dress and I felt like a million dollars - something I NEVER felt before when I was bigger. We went to a bar, and during the course of the a few hours I was bought a drink by a few guys in my course (bought in a friendly way like "Oh let me get this one since I've got my wallet out", I assumed in my tipsyness). I would finish a drink with one, then 2 minutes later I was being bought one by another guy (no kissing any of them or anything sexual at all, but innocent flirting). I went to the toilet and felt like crying, I felt like such a tart. I was just loving that for the first time in my life very handsom men have been paying little old me a bit of attention calling me hot, telling me how pretty I was - something that my boyfriend, not being a romantic, does. In the past couple of weeks, I've had several nights like this. My confidence has rocketed and when I'm out now it's like I've got no limitations on what I can do and who I can talk to. I feel like before when I was larger, my body was a cage that kept me back in life from being who I was, and now that I'm out of that cage I'm so excited that I'm like a startled bird travelling at 100 miles an hour and when I sit down for a break it can frighten me. I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend (that isn't the issue here) but my innocent flirting and reactions to the attention is scaring me. I was up dancing on the tables and all sorts with my girlfriends. That's the sort of thing I would never of dreamed of doing before but now I have the confidence to do it but yet it feels like I should be sitting down in the corner like I used to do on nights out - because that's what I'm used to doing. I ended up going home early last night as I just couldn't handle the culture shock anymore. Like I said, I'm not worried that I'm going to cheat, I'm just loving the new found attention and I don't know how to handle it and it's really, really upsetting me just as much as it's lifting me up. My friends tell me "You're just a normal 20 year old now! Chill out! You're head's just not caught up with your body"

    I don't really know what I'm asking for here - I suppose just a little bit of advice would be very comforting. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramble. If you've got to this point then you deserve a medal because I've just re-read the above and I sound like I've got such an inflated ego!

    Many thanks xxxx
     
    Last edited: 27 May 2011
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  3. babelfish

    babelfish New Member

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    And I'm sorry for it being so long x x x
     
  4. Little strawberry

    Little strawberry Full Member

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    I'm not really sure what to suggest but just wanted to give you a hug.

    Have you spoken to your boyfriend to see if he thinks you have been flirting too much? If he doesn't don't worry too much, if he does maybe you could try to tone it down a little bit.

    Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
     
  5. LittleSis

    LittleSis Silver Member

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    Hi Babelfish.. Firstly well done you on the weight loss..
    I'm twice your age and a bit more :) A few years back I lost 41/2 on Lighter Life and found peolpe reacted in much the same way as your finding.. As your friends have said "Your just a normal 20 year old" Enjoy yourself. You sound like you've got a sensible head on your shoulders. I would also agree with Little strawberry. Have a chat with your boyfriend just let him know how your feeling about things. My partner wasn't at all sure how to handle people's reaction to me or my new confidence.
    Big hug :)
     
  6. babelfish

    babelfish New Member

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    Thank you for your replies. I did ask my boyfriend about it and he said that he trusted me fully and he isn't worried. Though I can't help thinking that he's probably ashamed of me since I'm like a social butterfly at parties now, talking and having a laugh with everyone and really getting into the party spirit. He started going out with me when I was shy and I feel like this new me might just be too different for him. Arggh! I'm sounding so silly, I know :(
     
  7. zillie

    zillie SlinkySlimmer !!!

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    I do understand where your coming from. Ok I've nowhere near lost the amount of weight you have but even losing that little bit of weight has made me more confident. I've just finished my university course but within the last year I've been out more times than I had done in the two years previously. The important thing to remember is that you are happy with who you are, if your not happy with the person you are on the nights out then try to limit how many drinks you have which I know is easier said than done ! if someone wants to buy you a drink well either ask for a non alcoholic one if your pacing yourself or reached the end of your alcoholic drinks quota and if they wont then just politely decline their offer of a drink - its not wrong to say no ! Because lets be honest its the alcohol that turns us into these alter egos of ours that aren't always us on our top form ! To be honest unless you and your other half have been arguing more he probably isn't too fussed about it at the moment. If it turns out he is bothered well then maybe it is for the best you go your own seperate ways. A massive weightloss and achieving your target weight is definitely life changing and for partners etc it can be alot for them to take on and cope with hence why alot of relationships breakdown. If your relationship is true ie true love rather than it being a bad relationship that you are in just because you dont want to be alone and consequently treated badly over, then your relationship will last no matter what happens or end for different reasons. The important thing is to talk between you both so that you are both happy and not just hanging on for the sake of it.

    One final note and please don't for one second thing I'm suggesting this in your case but just a note to everyone reading this as although this is your problem there maybe someone reading this going through the same problem, but please be careful of cross addiction, you've obviously fought your demons with food but it is becoming more common for people to switch their addictions to food onto something else ie alcohol which unfortunately can cause severe consequences a lot more quickly than food. Sounds like your just a young person enjoying typical student nights out which can be very alcohol fuelled so no problems there :)

    Good Luck with the rest of your studies your final year will be your hardest !

    And finally congratulations on the weightloss and fingers crossed you keep it off :D

    Lizzie xxx
     
  8. Legomom

    Legomom Gold Member

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    This does raise an good point! I've heard of women losing weight and changing completely. Supposedly for the worse but I always wonder if they perhaps just started standing up for themselves and saying no!

    As for your new confidence and behaviour I'd say this. My life has been the exact opposite of yours to date :) I was a skinny flirty social butterfly up untill 20! And I danced on tables and gleefully accepted many a free drink! There's nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself! If you have spent years feeling invisible powerless and second best then of course it's a rush to feel the power you have that comes with being young attractive an slim!! Don't do anything stupid after too many drinks but also don't sell yourself short!! Your catching up on all the years you missed and at your age it's party time!

    It's also worth remembering that flirting is a very complex social skill and it sounds like you perhaps didn't have as much practice at it as a teen as some ppl do! It's a very steep learning curve for you and I've struggled with it even now! How much is too much? Are they just being friendly or after more? How do you extricate yourself from a situation that's getting tooooo flirty? It's hard going!

    Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
     
  9. surfinbernard

    surfinbernard Full Member

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    I wonder if the 'old you' feels reluctant to die back and psychologically you have lost who you were as well as gained who you are now. Obviously all women, especially very attractive ones, need to stay safe and not take stupid risks etc but really, just enjoy being 20 and gorgeous, it is over so fast. You will probably be beautiful for many years yet but won't always be 20 and at uni! How amazing a thing you have done for yourself and if you are concious of your 'ego' then it is not out of control yet! You are just making up for lost time is all! Xxx
     
  10. Bellerine

    Bellerine Silver Member

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    Hi there

    Bear with me through this reply - there is a point!
    I am 40 years old and I'm heavy now. But I only but on the weight in my thirties. When I was 20 I was usually 8 stone 9lbs (IF i ever weighed myself) and felt heavy if I went over 9 st 4lbs (xmas and TOTM) and dieted back to 8 and a half. I was very fit walking five miles a day on top of sports and regular swimming sessions. If I do say so myself I was good looking.

    I had a great time in college. I was out a lot and did the whole dancing on the table thing. I had men flirt with me where ever I went. I got better jobs because I looked good. I went out with the "hottest" guys in my class and had others vying for my attention. I was bought drinks and generally given an easier ride in life by everyone around me because I looked good. I know that it was because I looked good because I lost my looks very quickly - I got married at 29, pregnant at 30 and had baby at 31. I put on five stone when I was pregnant due to sudden onset depression and post natal depression meant that I put on even more. I simply couldnt believe how differently people treated me when I got fat. They were much ruder. Suddenly I had to obey all the rules. I wasnt "believed" when I told the police I forgot my drivers license or the car tax was in the post, I found the world wasn't so nice at all. Men who happened to catch my eye looked away immediately (as though they were afraid of me). When I was thin they used to catch my eye and hold it - I used to have to be the one to look away. Even men in the street. I found it really really hard to deal with being treated differently cos I was used to being treated the way you are now and I thought it was the same for everyone.

    What you are experiencing is the lucky advantage the goodlooking among us have. You should enjoy it as much as possible because some day it will end. This is your right and privilege as a young woman and I expect it is the same as other good looking 20 year olds are experiencing. Don't fret about it. USE IT.. You have the advantage of being aware of the positive prejudice in your favour - when i had it I wasnt aware of it. I didn't exploit it. The clever girls use it to get better jobs etc etc...

    The only thing I would say is that my boyfriends would NEVER have allowed another guy to buy me drinks when we were out - THey'd always say "I've got this covered" or "She's with me" and it made me feel sooooo good. One time my boyfriend almost started a fight with another guy from my class who tried to chat me up. Ah those were the days.

    You need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that other men flirting with you under his nose makes you feel uncomfortable and perhaps ask him to be a little more protective of you. I expect you will find other boyfriends you have in the future will be more "territorial" - well, thats what I always found.

    All I can say is that I am a little bit jealous of you. I'd like to experience that - just for one more day - its heady.

    Take care

    Belle

    Enjoy yourself. YOu have earned this and you deserve it. It will pass so grab it with both hands and revel in it.
     
    Last edited: 29 May 2011
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