what the hell am I playing at?

[artemis]

I dont usually post, Im a bit of a lurker to be honest, that and the fact that I feel like such a fraud. Ive been on LL since august and fell of the wagon in november. I havent been able to get back on at all.

Im currently just under 11st, but Ive been losing and putting on the same 7lbs since November. I keep waiting on my counsellor to chuck me out. I keep trying, but I never make it.
Plus Ive started having really crooked thinking, I started off saying I will have my four packs, but found I wanted more, so would have the occaisonally extra pack. Then I started to think "wait that might kick me out of Ketosis, so I better just have protien...." of course its always high fat protien.

Ive had weeks were I carbed out, days when I starve myself to make it up.

Recently Ive noticed Im almost bingeing right after my meeting for a few days and then trying like mad I try to hide the damage before the next meeting.

The fact that Ive discovered I can drink a lot of wine, eat atkins style and still stay in ketoland doesnt help. That just messes with my head.

I dont want to go into management yet, I really want to get to 9stone but I am so miserable right now. I really cant cope. Im so depressed.

I dont know what to do. I dont have any friends, partner (or even family nearby) and I feel like "whats the point"

 

[IreneH]

I am so pleased you decided to post. I can totally associate with what's happening to you. I lost 5 st from Feb 06 to Sept 06 and then things started to go wrong. The excuses: my mam was ill, we were spending many hours out of the house visiting her, she went into hospital, was away for 5 weeks staying at her house and then at the beginning of Dec she died. And then i find i have put 2 of the stones back on. I am finding it very difficult to get back into it. But have decided to forget about what has happened and the lbs put back on as this makes me feel negative so I am back to concentrating on one day at a time and writing everything down, what packs i am having, the times and the times I want to eat to see if there is a pattern.

I am back to making small steps and having mini goals - half a stone off and getting into the next st down etc.

Keep posting and we will try to help you
Irene xx

 

[IreneH]

I see you live in MK. We are having a meet in Birmingham on 24 March. Fancy coming? Look in the WeMitt threads for details

 

[RacieTracie]

Hi Artemis,

I can really relate to your post.

I was exactly the same when I did LL.

Used to have my weekly meeting on a Thursday, then come home, eat what i wanted till prob Sat and then desperately try to get back onto it and back in ketosis before my next meeting.

I also am subject to self sabotage also (but not this time, been on CD for 6 weeks)

I'm not really sure how I can advise you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I don't know what has made me stick to it 100% this time, its just happened

I do wish you all the luck in the world and feel free to PM me should you wish to talk

Take care
Tracie

 

[KittyB]

You've kind taken the words out of my mouth. Thats exactly where I am right now!!!!

I'm so cross with myself, but can't get my act together either.

I need to refind the motivation I had when I started in Sept.

(((hugs))) well done on posting and admitting it, that has to be the first step Sounds like there are a few of us in the same boat, we'll find a way through

Kitty xxx

 

[mags1x]

Can't really offer advice, although I've struggled lately too so I do sympathise. The only things I can really say is don't give up, keep trying and you will get there. Perhaps you could give up lurking and post more, as you say you have no one nearby you are close to and the people on here are lovely and supportive.... maybe just what you need?

No one is ever judgmental on here so you can post no matter what sort of a day you've had.....

As far as what the point is?

well the list is endless, you know them already but heres a few;

feel better
look better
be able to buy clothes you like
add years (yes YEARS) to your life
add quality to your life, better health I mean
lower risk of all sorts of health problems

the list goes on and on.... but you know this already don't you!

Wishing you all the very best, keep trying and keep posting, we'll all be here for you whatever happens to your weight!

Mags
xxxx

 

[Lilypad]

Just wanted you to know that the support is here, just keep posting. i have no wise words but wanted to acknowledge your post. Take care
kate

 

[artemis]

Thank you so much all of you, I sat with tears in my eyes reading them. I am so grateful that you took the time to post.

Its great to know I am not alone Kitty, Its been so getting me down.
RacieTracie - I do self sabotage so well, I always have. I think on some level Im doing this because Im frightened to get to my goal, or if I sabotage it then I will have a reason not to be happy. Screwed or what.

Irene thaks for your support, I think I am in Ireland on the 25th (im originally from there) but if Im not I would love to go to the meetup.

Mags and Lilypad, thanks for your kind words I know all the reasons to keep going, I think if I can just get through it one day at a time, I will cope. I did before.

I have decided to follow some of the advice on here and set mini-goals, though I have some big goals too. Im gonna figure out my ticker too!

I am definitely going to be posting from now on, I think I will use this as part of my motivation too. I aloready write in my journal, though from now its going to be positive, instead of negative!
Im going to find something to celebrate achieving each day.

Thank you ladies, its much appreciated.

 

[cah-ching]

(((hugs)))

I completely empathise with you. We've all been there and I tell you it's a nasty doubled edged sword.

All I ca say is ... you're beginning to form this unhealthy habit and it's etting dangerous. Binge / starve cycle is so scary. You have to find a way to break the habit. You've done so well thus far..... may be your low self-esteem is playing tricks on you. I'm not a psychotherapist so I really can't say, but even me who is 8 stone from her ideal goal has the same thoughts as you. I think we have to battle through and take 1 hour at a time and come on to Minimins for support when it gets really bad.

Please stay, please don't be afraid to post. You aren't a fraud, you are just human and all of us go through times like this.

You aren't the first, you won't be the last, but the difference between those who fail and those who succeed, despite the blips, are those who admit to their failings, brush themselves off and keep going. You writing this post demonstrates you are a fighter and you want and desire to succeed. I've said it before and I'll say it again - your resillience and perserverence when times have gone wrong makes you a pretty strong willed person, dare I say, more so than those who have followed the VLCD way 100% - it takes unrivalled grit to climb back onto the wagon in the full knowledge of 1) what is to be expected on the wagon and 2) the lovely food you're leaving behind!

Speak with your LLC. Keep posting on here. I'll always listen.

xxxxxxx

 

[Geri]

Hiya
just wanted to post to say you are def not alone in this...

Have you spoken to your counsellor/group? Perhaps you could have extra visits to your counsellor inbetween meetings - you know like when you first started you would have had a pop in after a few days - these would keep you going till your 'proper' meeting times... and hopefuly keep you on track if you know you are going to pee on a stick and weigh...

Just an idea! Keep posting

 

[artemis]

Ive spoke to them, and they gave me some good advice. Sticking to it is the problem. TOTM isnt helping today either. Ive been good for two days, but today is a struggle. Gah

 

[cah-ching]

PLease take one hour at a time.

 

[Geri]

Ahh sorry to hear you're still struggling - you have 2 good days under your belt - make it 3

Keep yourself busy - pop into the arcade - you'll be lost for hours in there!! or maybe a nice bath - just don't eat anything!!

Stay strong hun

 

[artemis]

Thats the plan Cah-Ching. Im going to have my soup and go to bed. Asleep will keep me out of trouble. As far as Im aware, dream food does not knock you out of Ketosis.

 

[cah-ching]

LOL! Dreaming about food doesn't ....!

I started the Cambridge Diet in March 2006 .... I put ON two stones trying to get my head around it .... forever having my "last meal". So I know what struggle is. I've only just got my head around it. Had I have been so dedicated in October (when I decided that enough was enough) I would have been almost at goal. As it is, I'm still struggling day by day and I'm only 18Stones at last weigh . I'ts so hard when life gives me knock backs as I feel that my life over the last 8 years has been about REJECTION and I've turned to food especially in the last 2 years.

So please don't make the same mistakes I've made. Take each day at a time.

xxxxxxxx

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Just found your thread Artemis and can soooo relate to it.

Oct 05 I started LL then transferred to CD.- stuck to it solidly for 4 months lost 4 stone. Came off in February 06 11.3 size 12/14 having starting weight of 15.3 and size 20/22. Then last year was a s*** year for me, my mum was seriously ill, my brother was in prison etc etc etc. And I have ended up putting on 2 stone. I have messed about over the last 6 months gaining a few pounds losing a few pounds - and each time I gain I gain a pound more than I lose which = more and more of the weight I originally lost being eroded. It is soooo hard to get back on SS and I'd really urge anyone thinking of a "break" - DON'T do it!!

I'm restarting on CD SS next Monday and fully intend to continue for 2 and half months to lose 2 and half stone. Then I have some lessons to learn ....... like what do I do when I am stressed and want to binge to make myself feel better??? I have a cycle of feeling sad, followed by comfort eating to make myself feel better - followed by being sad because I've put on weight and so yes you've guessed I eat again because I'm sad.

Not sure this is constructive in telling you how to achieve it for yourself and think CC is right take it in managable time slots ... an hour at a time. You'll have all the support you need on here - so come on and post - let us know how you are doing, good or bad - and if you get it sussed you can help me next week!

Good luck and take care.

 

[artemis]

*hugs Flirtyeyes and CahChing and Geri*

Thanks for your support ladies. It means loads to me!!! Its comforting to know I am not the only one going through this. My developers gruop has dwindled to 4 people, everyone else seems to have met their goal.

Like you flirtyeyes I would have been at goal and well into management had I stuck with it.

I did fall of the wagon ladies, I had the worst period cramps and sugar cravings, infact I would have eaten one of you to get to chocolate. So that knocked me out of Ketosis and I put on 2lb on my weigh in last night.

Ive woke up this morning tempted to go to the sugar, but quickly dismissed it. Im not upset about the 2lb, I think mostly it was TOTM fluid (and poss my body getting used to Psyllium husks) , cos I had been doing well.

So today is another day, and I can get through it, Im feeling positive about it, and my choc/period monster is gone. I feel human again even my critical parent cut me some slack today.