Wierd Dreams, Arguments with OH and Lack of Exercise

[Iris]

^ you said that beautifully too :hug99:

Yes I am a fat girl being thinner too. There is a huge mental adjustment and for other people too. I just wish it was about the weight but it isn't. Yes I want to blend too but I don't seem to be doing this I'm doing ok no one at work is interested now lol I still never got over the hate mail though. I lost about 4 to 5 stones and someone sent mail saying I was still fat I guess they were jelous. I have gained some of that weight and am tackling it again, part of me thinks why bother you'll be a focal point again, but I think it's my head making excuses, so I ignore it and stay quietly in the background losing weight.

The fact that someone would sit down and cowardly send you a hateful anonymous message is just... well, it's terribly sad when you think about it. How awful must they feel about themselves to write that and send it? They must feel wretched. Just don't let them make you feel that way, too. Noticeable weight loss is like a beacon for jealousy and insecurity - I know this because I must uncomfortably admit I've felt jealous myself when I've seen other people shed weight while I was still clinging to my nightly tub of Pringles! But, hey, you look and sound like a thoroughly lovely person and I'm sure you were always lovely no matter what your weight, but the fact that you've lost and you're still losing, that sounds like it's been the last straw for someone around you who's been watching your progress enviously. It's strange... your 'friends' will try the same thing but in a much craftier way. They won't say 'you're still fat, fatty!' they'll say 'you're getting anorexic, aren't you, here- eat this biscuit!'

And mothers, god love em. I have a bit of a bizarre relationship with my mother at the best of times. For one thing I'm her full time carer, and she has a serious physical condition coupled with bipolar disorder. Physically it's very tough for her to lose weight and she's been steadily gaining due to the meds she's on. I know she really wants to shift some weight and that watching me do just that has made her resentful. I don't blame her at all for that, I'd probably feel the same way. But her moods can be so volatile that I've often thought that I should pack it in and gain weight if it'd make her happier and more stable. Am I being awfully selfish losing this weight? Maybe. Is it my way of passive aggressively getting back at her for eating up my life? Dear god I hope not. I've had too many sleepless nights to plumb the dark depths of my psyche... confronting your baser self can be downright scary!

And then the ex, who got tired of feeling like he was playing second fiddle to my mother all the time. He was the most amazing man I ever met. There was a big part of me that felt the need to try to be perfect for him. The thought was always there 'he's not for me, he can't be for me, he's far too good for me.' Became a self-fulfilling prophesy, I guess. But I think I've moved enough beyond it now to realise that any man who couldn't handle the fact that my mum needs me really isn't the man I need. If only I could learn to stop wanting, though!

I'm still trying to factor in where my weight loss and new self fit in the scheme of all this chaos. I just don't feel very different. Same issues, same problems, just a bit less flab to wave at them now, I suppose, and my old friend chocolate isn't there when I feel I'm going to crack. I'm not sure how I'd approach a new relationship right now, to be honest. I'd feel in a way that I was falsely marketing myself, inaccurately presenting myself, if that makes sense. I'm not a naturally skinny girl - I'm an undercover fatty!

Does the brain ever catch up with the body, or will you always feel displaced? Still trying to figure that one out!

 

[serafyn]

:hug99: bless you and thanks for sharing.

It must be hard for you caring for your mum. I'm sure the weight loss is something you're doing for your self esteem, as we all are. I don't think the brain ever catches up when you have been fat. I think as you say, you still feel a fat girl only with less well fat?? You still feel the same. When I had my big weight loss people were saying to me 'gosh you must feel different' and to be honest I didn't even though I gave them what they wanted to hear like how good I felt. I still had the same issues there were before it did not change my life radically. Thats being honest. I'm still glad I continue to diet cus left unchecked I'd probably eat myself into an early death. Having said that I have also relied upon other methods to de stress, I head for the diet jelly now instead of the chocolate, not the same but it fills a gap. I had a bad day at work, could have eaten tons of chocolate and biscuits but I'm ok I have my jelly

 

[Debzi]

Wow just have to say that this thread is so inspirational. I haven't got my head sorted at all and was really worried about it but its great to know that other people are in the same position.:family2:

 

[mommyB]

I used to think that loosing weight would be the answer to all my problems and i would hit target and be instantly happy. I realised fairly recently that it is in fact the other way around, sorting everything else out will clear the way for me to loose weight, without turning to food for comfort. I'm getting there slowly .

Iris i too have a bizzare relationship with my mum, tho not quite in the same way!! if i look like i'm loosing weight , she will buy me a bag of donuts !!

 

[littlemiss]

Thanks so much everyone!!!

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for sharing such intimate details.

I am very much the person who wants to lose weight to fit in, I was starting to feel like I was standing out by being overweight, and was thinking that people would say, oh the fat one with the blonde hair. I now feel like a normal size, so I'm more confident than I was, but I am still overweight and I wont be fully confident untill I reach goal. I realise that losing weight wont take away all my problems, but I think it will make my life a hell of alot easier. I have had some pretty stressful times over the last 7 years, and being overweight has made these times alot harder, as I was constantly worrying about my weight, more or less every minute of times spent outside my house. Now I just have life stresses really.

I'm so confused about what size I am, and what clothes I should be wearing, I get alot of comments about my weight loss, and people say I dont need to lose more, but I still have 3 stone more to go, I would like clothes that show the fact that i've lost weight, but at the same time, hide my remaining fat.

I too have had that jealous feeling towards other people losing weight, One of my friends was 19 stone, she's now down to 12 stone and I feel so jealous, In a wierd kind of way I would say to myself, its alright if im overweight, as she's heavier than me. But now she's about the same weight as me...its scary. Now she's putting it back on though, I feel like giving her a good kick.

Another strange thing is that women were more comfortable in my company when i'm overweight, I was 8.5 stone before I had my wee girl, and girls were always jealous, and generally *****y around me....more girls like me when i'm fat. It may sound wierd, but I dont get that *****y attitude when i'm overweight.

Anyway, thanks again everyone
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Little Noo]

thats interesting what u said about women being more comfortable in your company when u are overweight. i think its because alot of people can feel threatened by women that are smaller and/or percieved to be prettier than themselves. i think i have been guilty of this in the past. some how u dont feel like u match up. i guess its nice to look around at the people around u and think, actually, im the slimmest/prettiest girl here. u might not do it consciously, but i think its still there, and it might make u more confident. turn it around the other way and i guess people might find an overweight person to be more approachable. think of this, if u are in a shop and need help from an assistant, are u more likely to approach the size 6, big boobs blond hair (not that i have anything against people that look like this!) or are u gonna approach the slightly more rounded girl that looks like an average person? i know which one i would chose!
unfortunately i think we judge people too much by what they look like and alot of the time we can be mistaken.

 

[littlemiss]

thats interesting what u said about women being more comfortable in your company when u are overweight. i think its because alot of people can feel threatened by women that are smaller and/or percieved to be prettier than themselves. i think i have been guilty of this in the past. some how u dont feel like u match up. i guess its nice to look around at the people around u and think, actually, im the slimmest/prettiest girl here. u might not do it consciously, but i think its still there, and it might make u more confident. turn it around the other way and i guess people might find an overweight person to be more approachable. think of this, if u are in a shop and need help from an assistant, are u more likely to approach the size 6, big boobs blond hair (not that i have anything against people that look like this!) or are u gonna approach the slightly more rounded girl that looks like an average person? i know which one i would chose!
unfortunately i think we judge people too much by what they look like and alot of the time we can be mistaken.

Hi,

You hit the nail on the head with this one. I have had very wierd feelings that people are more confident around me, and more often than not they say, oh your fine the way you are, you dont need to lose weight, they must know that if they say I need to lose weight, I might actually do it and be competition to them.

Thats something else that I couldnt get my head around, I put on nearly 7 stone, and everyone would tell me I look good, and that I'm not fat, apart from my mum and one time someone passed comment in the street, no one else told me I needed to lose weight, maybe people just didn't want to upset me, I dont know, but I was always in denial, refused to look in mirrors, lied about clothes size etc. It was xmas photos i seen, and thats when reality kicked in, that wasnt the person that i'd looked at in the mirror, i always thought i looked ok, but the photos made me cry for days and i realised i can kid myself all i want, but that is how i look to everyone else.

 

[mommyB]

Unfortunately i think most ( but not all) do have a beechy streak and if its not weight its hair or who has a nicer house, you name it women can find a reason to be jealous or competetive about. And i say that as a woman. Take my sister in law. they have a massive house, hot tub etc and i really feel like she looks down on us, yet she is about 14 years younger than me but frumpy as hell, and i shouldnt say this she has a MASSIVE backside. so i dont care what her house is like, when i'm around her i feel great. What i am trying to say is that none of us a re perfect and all of us are great in our own way.

As for people telling you not to loose more weight, yes some of them may be jealous, but its a really touchy subject, recently a really good friend of ours lost loads of weight and looked great , but then it was "just another half stone and i'll be happy" this sson became "well maybe a stone" and we were all, including her husband genuinly worried about her cos she really did NOT need to loose anymore. eventually she did see the light and decide she was haapy as she is. Its really hard to know whats right to do in a situatuin like this but you have to do what feels right for you. Sometimes people say "Oh you dont need to loose weight" because they feel that if they agree with you they are saying you are fat or overweight and this makes them uncomfortable so they go with politeness.

Weight really is a very touchy subject-especially for a bunch of touchy females

 

[Iris]

I head for the diet jelly now instead of the chocolate, not the same but it fills a gap. I had a bad day at work, could have eaten tons of chocolate and biscuits but I'm ok I have my jelly

Ha, me too. It's strange the things that move in to take the place of the Big Chocolate Void. For me, I guess the main thing has been broccoli - I know, it sounds weird! Just developed a real thing about it and have to have a pound a day or I feel deprived.

From chocoholic to brocoholic...

I used to think that loosing weight would be the answer to all my problems and i would hit target and be instantly happy. I realised fairly recently that it is in fact the other way around, sorting everything else out will clear the way for me to loose weight, without turning to food for comfort. I'm getting there slowly .

Iris i too have a bizzare relationship with my mum, tho not quite in the same way!! if i look like i'm loosing weight , she will buy me a bag of donuts !!

I think you're absolutely right - got to sort out the mental issues before you can get to grips with the weight. The weight won't solve those big problems. I guess the weight is just a symptom itself, it's not the actual problem - took me a long while to realise that.

Your mother sounds familiar! I don't know if that's a competitive mother-daughter thing, sometimes it can be, sometimes it's just the old big mamma feed-the-kids-so-they-grow-up-strong mentality. A lot of mums seem to panic as the pounds start falling off.

Another strange thing is that women were more comfortable in my company when i'm overweight, I was 8.5 stone before I had my wee girl, and girls were always jealous, and generally *****y around me....more girls like me when i'm fat. It may sound wierd, but I dont get that *****y attitude when i'm overweight.

Women can be desperately tough on other women, can't they. I went to convent schools... 14 years of all girl education - still have the scars!

You know how people usually pin the blame for the size zero culture on the big male names at the top of the fashion industry? I think that's maybe wrong. I mean, look at the glossy mags. Mostly edited by women. Seems like they do nothing but rip other women apart. 'She's gained weight,' 'she's got stretch marks,' 'she's looking frumpy,' 'her diet's out of control.' All that stuff. Always pointing out the flaws. And we read them - we love them! I think most of the pressure to be obscenely skinny actually comes from women. I don't know many men who go for the twiglet look!

 

[serafyn]

You know how people usually pin the blame for the size zero culture on the big male names at the top of the fashion industry? I think that's maybe wrong. I mean, look at the glossy mags. Mostly edited by women. Seems like they do nothing but rip other women apart. 'She's gained weight,' 'she's got stretch marks,' 'she's looking frumpy,' 'her diet's out of control.' All that stuff. Always pointing out the flaws. And we read them - we love them! I think most of the pressure to be obscenely skinny actually comes from women. I don't know many men who go for the twiglet look!


you know you're absolutely right! I read in Heat magazine that Kerry Catona had gained two stones and the ad on the TV said 'brace yourself' I mean what the hell? Where do they get off doing that to people, not just celebs but its impact on normal people who in turn feel very low because they probably look at Kerry and think well actually I'm bigger than her and look what the media are doing to her.... ummm I think if you want to lose weight it's personal choice, no one should make you feel bad about yourself, they don't have the right. Then there was the My big fat wedding with Claire from steps when the photographer called her a heffer?? I was furious, she was and is very beautiful and it's like all men or people can see is weight... in fact talking of the Twiglet look Iris, I was round a friends house and we did a little experiement where we cut out all the ladies from a clothes catalog, in that catalog there where women over size 14 in their plus size collection, we asked the blokes who came round the house to chose their favourite girl...... low and behold they went for the plus size lady with the big tits!!! Granted when I say plus size I mean perhaps size 14 or 16 in the catalog, but what an eye opener!

 

[Iris]

Ha... men! Bless 'em, they know what they like, and that's usually more Marilyn Monroe than Audrey Hepburn. Kelly Brook instead of Kate Moss. (Incidentally, how does Kelly Brook manage to be totally curvy and slender at the same time? Was a voodoo witchcraft pact with the devil involved?!) I think men definitely do go for a more generous figure. It seems to be women who idolise Victoria Beckham, and I'm not sure why we idolise the size zero thing. You know, there was a group of very young teenage girls on the train the other day when I was coming home and it almost broke my heart - a friend of theirs arrived on the scene and they were like 'oh my god, you look anorexic!' Said in complimentary tones! And she said thank you!!

I read today that one in six kids now are classed as 'obese' on starting primary school. Killer thin trend on one side, and galloping obesity on the other... feels like the world's gone a bit nuts!

 

[serafyn]

Yes I agree it's a world of extremes now in terms of weight.

 

[mommyB]

I'm trying to find my daughter some new trousers for school and they now sell them in age+ sizes-cut bigger on the waist but the right length for their age- i kind of think thats a bit sad that children are needing plus sized clothes-conversley i cant find any that fit my daughter who's on the skinny side!!

 

[littlemiss]

Women can be desperately tough on other women, can't they. I went to convent schools... 14 years of all girl education - still have the scars!

You know how people usually pin the blame for the size zero culture on the big male names at the top of the fashion industry? I think that's maybe wrong. I mean, look at the glossy mags. Mostly edited by women. Seems like they do nothing but rip other women apart. 'She's gained weight,' 'she's got stretch marks,' 'she's looking frumpy,' 'her diet's out of control.' All that stuff. Always pointing out the flaws. And we read them - we love them! I think most of the pressure to be obscenely skinny actually comes from women. I don't know many men who go for the twiglet look![/QUOTE]

Hi Iris,

You're absolutely right with your points about magazines, I recently read that the reason really skinny models are used in magazine, fashion shows etc, is that women prefer to see skinny women modelling clothes, it also said that these magazines etc were aimed at women, but men definately prefer more rounder women, its an instict thing as well, men subconciously go for a woman who's body can support a pregnancy. Although I think alot of them go for the ultra skinny look to fit in with everyone else. Most of the guys I know dont like really skinny models.