Morning all, This diary is supposed to make me feel better about my choice to leave food behind and attempt (again) a VLCD. I am not a VLCD newbie, in fact I've tried and failed multiple diets and fitness fads over the 7-8 years, which is when my weight gain started to become a problem. What have I tried in the past: Weight Watchers (online and group) Cambridge Diet (now Cambridge Weight Plan) at least four times Exante Atkins 5:2 IIFYM (If if fits your macros) The Zone Calorie controlled 1200, 1500 and 1800 cal versions Juicing - 100% juice diet Fasting Raw Food diet No beige food diet (that was fun - not!) See? Not a rookie but now fatter than ever before! I stand in my bare feet at 5 feet 3 inches and I weigh 180.8 lbs / 12st 9lb / 82 kg! My BMI is 32 which means I am now officially obese. I have high cholesterol, my joints ache and I can't run any more because it hurts. I wear anything from a tight size 14 to size 20 to hide my flabby body. My head looks too small for my body and I feel like a solid mass of fat walking down the street. I am dreading summer - when the heat comes and I am sweating under layers of spanx because I'm too ashamed to let it all hang out (as they say). My once slim arms and legs now look thick and wobbly. My thighs rub together painfully, so I can't wear a dress even if I wanted to! It's horrible! My skin chafes until its red and sore. I get spots everywhere. My bras cut into my skin and leave marks. I haven't worn a normal bra in over two years. I used to love the gym and now I feel like everyone is laughing at the fat chick trying to do squats. I used to love dance, but I don't want anyone touching me. I hate the way my body looks and moves. I walk with a slight knock-knee waddle because I have two much weight on my body! I feel like I'm watching this happen to someone else, but' it's a nightmare I live everyday! My friends and family have stopped asking me about my weight loss because I can see it in their faces when they see me after a few months, how much weight I have gained. I was fat at my wedding. I was 164 lbs and on CWP trying to lose 20 lbs to be a slim bride. It didn't work then and I'm terrified it's not going to work now! I don't know why I can't stick to anything....I hate how I feel and look, but I sabotage any attempt to succeed. I need help. Even starting S&S was a mission! I was supposed to start beginning of April, but the excuses, the arguments I had inside my head! It's not healthy. You'll be hungry. It will make you miserable. You can do it the normal way! Just eat healthy and go to the gym. OH won't understand. You'll just fail again like you did before. You're going to get fatter! You're now closer to 200 lbs and you said you would never go over that 160lb mark! You can't do this! ETC ETC ETC Please if anyone is reading this I need your help. I can't live like this any more. I'm a writer by trade so it's the easiest way for me to reach out to people. I can't talk to my family about this. They don't understand and frankly they always bring it back to their own struggles which doesn't make me feel better to be told "it could be worse, look at my life!" I've just had my first shake because I get horrible hunger pangs in the morning! I can't wait until lunchtime. It was Raspberry - weird after-taste and very sweet. But I drank it. Plan to stay in bed today and be absolutely lazy!