A daily dose of laughter

[fillymum]

A year or so ago I started a thread for a joke a day. Anyone could post jokes. It was great, such a smile maker and brightened the day so much.

No blue, religious , racist or political jokes, just good clean fun.............smutty is allowed.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

 

[dudette2001uk]

I know this has a religious theme, but it's not a derogatory joke, and it's still one of my favourites

[h=2]The nervous priest[/h]
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. ***** was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to ***** ****** as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When ***** broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[fillymum]

LOL!!!! Dudette that is so funny what a shame so much has been deleted. Since when was the primary meaning of £ESUS something bad

Thanks for your contribution. The last time this thread really took off but lots of those folks not around now.

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again!"

 

[dudette2001uk]

LOL!!!! Dudette that is so funny what a shame so much has been deleted. Since when was the primary meaning of £ESUS something bad

Thanks for your contribution. The last time this thread really took off but lots of those folks not around now.

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again!"

:8855: I like that Sue! Mind you, that's the sort of thing I'd actually do, so I'm not sure what that says about me! It is a shame that words get blanked out, although it's probably easy enough with that particular joke to work out what's been deleted.

It would be a shame if the thread didn't take off...I do enjoy a good joke xx

 

[Texty_F]

A young newly wed couple turn up at the hotel to start their honeymoon. The guy on the desk apologises profusely and says im really sorry but there has been a mix up with the bookings, and we only have 1 room left with bunk beds. The only trouble is , there is someone in the bottom bunk.

They decide to take the room and share the top bunk, so .... that night feeling frisky the guy says lets make love and when you have had enough shout " cut the cake" so they begin to make love, getting quite overheated and passionate, the bride shouts " cut the cake, cut the cake" , the guy in the bottom bunk eventually leans out and shouts " I wish someone would cut the effing cake the icing is running all over me "

Boom Boom its the only joke I ever remember

 

[Dougal1983]

Just found a great website that should this thread: Funny Jokes | Comedy Central Jokes.com.
And my contribution:

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks him what's wrong.
"Well" replies the groom, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking".
"Oh you shouldn't worry about that too much", says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years".
"That's not the problem." The groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

Couldnt stop laughing at that one!!!!

 

[Dougal1983]

A young newly wed couple turn up at the hotel to start their honeymoon. The guy on the desk apologises profusely and says im really sorry but there has been a mix up with the bookings, and we only have 1 room left with bunk beds. The only trouble is , there is someone in the bottom bunk.

They decide to take the room and share the top bunk, so .... that night feeling frisky the guy says lets make love and when you have had enough shout " cut the cake" so they begin to make love, getting quite overheated and passionate, the bride shouts " cut the cake, cut the cake" , the guy in the bottom bunk eventually leans out and shouts " I wish someone would cut the effing cake the icing is running all over me "

Boom Boom its the only joke I ever remember

Couldn't stop laughing at that!!!!

 

[SlimmingKitchen]

I made myself a snowman,
as perfect as can be,
I though i'd keep it as a pet,
So i let it sleep with me,
I made it some Pajamas,
and a pillow for it's head,
last night the b**tard vanished,
and p**ed the f**kin bed....


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

[Mrs.S.]

Could resist this one - sorry if it offends!


After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink. Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their achievements."A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for sheet metal," says, the American surgeon. "All that was left of him was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that he put 50 other guys out of a job.""That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job.""You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my clinic. I used the cells to create a new anus, then I used my patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job.""Why haven't we heard of this?" says the American. "What's his name?"Cameron, David Cameron."

 

[Dougal1983]

Could resist this one - sorry if it offends!


After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink. Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their achievements."A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for sheet metal," says, the American surgeon. "All that was left of him was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that he put 50 other guys out of a job.""That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job.""You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my clinic. I used the cells to create a new anus, then I used my patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job.""Why haven't we heard of this?" says the American. "What's his name?"Cameron, David Cameron."

LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!!

 

[SlimmingKitchen]

A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread, everybody touches it, but nobody wants it!