Advice on marriage/affair/me

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by helpmepls, 25 July 2011 Social URL.

  1. helpmepls

    helpmepls New Member

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    I don't know where to start with this one but I am a regular and need to get this all of my chest & don't know really what I'm asking from you all but anything you can say would be helpful.

    I'm married with 3 small children & I've been married nearly 3 years. I've been with my H for 8 years altogether.

    He is an alcoholic and my life the last 6 months has been unbearable. He works shifts and as soon as he gets home he drinks at least 6 cans if not more of lager. Most days are ok but every now and again he hurls verbal abuse calls me loads of horrible names and nasty stuff. He would never hit me but sometimes verbally is bad enough.

    Part 2 is I went out about a month ago and met a guy. I told him I was married etc but he wasn't bothered and to be honest I was flattered and loved the affection & attention. We just kissed but since we've been friends on fb and he rings me when H is working. He is younger than me (not that that makes a difference) but I love it when he calls/texts and I'm getting emotionally attached.

    I wonder what he's up to all the time & get kind of jealous when he says he's going out with his friends, I'm bordering obsessed with him which isn't good.

    I don't really know what I want to do as H has pushed me away and I get no love & affection it's just every so often he wants sex and I reluctantly do it with him just to keep him happy.

    I know the right thing to do is end it with the guy and try sort my marriage out but I can't. I try not to text him but just can't help myself.

    What on earth am I going to do?
     
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  3. Mrs.S.

    Mrs.S. Gold Member

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    Certainly sounds like an emotional attachment to me. That doesn't mean it wont/can't go further and doesn't mean that you don't have feelings when it comes to him.

    Have you spoken to H? Sat down (when he's sober), and had a really good heart to heart.

    Take this other guy out of the picture. What do YOU want?? I don't think you can end your marriage on the basis of another person, but you also shouldn't stay in it to please others!

    I'm really sorry that my advice isn't great, and I'd really like to give you a hug.

    Chin up, and look into your heart at what YOU really want xxx
     
  4. welshymamma

    welshymamma when will I be slim

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    oh Dear only you can choose .I dont know How to put this ..but this guy is giving you everything that is missing in your marriage yes its flattering and it makes you feel loved and wanted .Hes all you think about isnt he ? you cant wait for him to ring ot text .It just gets more and more addictive ,christmas new year arnt the same cause you want to be with him .you get moody and angry .It never gets better love .You have got to ask the questions .If I leave to be with him will he change when he has 3 young children to care for .you cant go out on a evening ,nip to the pub .Please just be flattered dont risk your marriage and childrens happiness for a man you met in a pub .Youve only been married 3 yrs when did your hubby change ? praps he feels you give him no attention you have 3 children that must be so hard for you .Im not sticking up for him but sometimes you have to sit and reflect and asked your self where did it start to go wrong .only you know if your marriage is worth saving ..Im just worried what hubby will do if he finds out ...
     
  5. Minimunchkins

    Minimunchkins Gold Member

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    This is such a subjective issue as we've all got individual ideas of what's acceptable (in all aspects of life).
    For instance, I personally would not stay in a relationship that was not mutually respectful. Verbal, psychological or physical abuse are all no-no's in my book. I'd distance myself from such a partner - the situation could always be reviewed later if my OH sorted himself out.
    We all want to be wanted but when your emotions are in a bit of a state, thinking you could be getting a bit obsessed over this relatively new attention should be telling you something.
    I'll echo what Selwonk said - think what you want.

    Good luck.
     
  6. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    My personal beliefs are that marriage is sacrosanct.

    HOWEVER I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was verbally and physically abusive and I am still paying the price for it at 41 years old!
    Your children are being poisoned by the atmosphere in the house.
    You are being emotionally damaged.
    You deserve better.
    You need to get help to get your husband to give up the drink.
    If he won't give up, you will need to give yourself a chance, and ask him to leave.

    I don't think this is what you want to hear, but you need to give up the other bloke too, regardless of sex or not you are having an emotional affair, and you need all your emotional strength right now.
    he will simply cloud the issue and that obsessional behaviour is a way for you to work out your hurt over your husband.

    If he's a goodie he'll be around in 6months!
     
  7. helpmepls

    helpmepls New Member

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    I think I'm craving the love, affection etc of the other guy but yes you're right with 3 young kids it would be a whole different thing.

    I've spoken to my H and he says he can't stop drinking, we do nothing together, don't go out, don't spend time together, we're like passing ships in the night but when we do have time together he's always drunk and can't be bothered to do anything. I just want a 'normal' life like all my mates have. I want to come home to a loving H & do things together.

    It all started when he started doing shift work (I think) as we never see each other then it's just stuff with the kids, or tidying the house etc. The last time we were out was January.

    I think he's pushed me so far I'm not sure if I love him still but I think its all the spliting up, sorting mortgage, kids, telling family etc etc is making me stay.

    The other guy is only 23 and I'm 34 so I know its totally going nowhere but its right I can't get him out of my mind...think about him all the time...

    OMG I just don't no what to do...Also the kids are picking up the way H is etc & maybe for there sakes I should go,,
     
  8. ginlin

    ginlin Better to Drink your Syns

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    This is a very difficult decision or choice to make, and whichever you choose will take an immense amount of courage and strength, but whatever it is, it needs to be for you, because if you are happy, the children will be happy and vice versa xxxx
     
  9. Minimunchkins

    Minimunchkins Gold Member

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    Post deleted
     
    Last edited: 25 July 2011
  10. Minimunchkins

    Minimunchkins Gold Member

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    Bit of a cynical question perhaps but as a 'regular' do you normally post under a different name?
     
  11. Mrs.S.

    Mrs.S. Gold Member

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    ?????

    I'm guessing not and this is because OP wants to keep their identity hidden??
     
  12. ginlin

    ginlin Better to Drink your Syns

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    I would agree
     
  13. helpmepls

    helpmepls New Member

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    Yes I normally post under another name. I've got a couple of friends on here and family members and I really don't want them to know.

    As the advice on here is fantastic I turned to you as I didn't know who else to 'talk to'...one of my mates knows the situation and thats it.

    Thank you for all your views, really appreciate the different perspectives/ways of looking at the situation.
     
  14. keke

    keke Full Member

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    AW bless you love I don't know what the answer is but unless hubbs gets help it is only going to get worse. Think you should ditch the fantasy fella , you need to sort your self out before you do anything about another man good luck love.
     
  15. Fredderfy

    Fredderfy Full Member

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    This is what I would do in your situation.

    Firstly, I'd end it with the other guy. Secondly, I'd sit down with hubby, tell him that I'm not happy, tell him why and how it makes you feel. How you look at him, and then I would go on to tell him about this other bloke but start with the fact that I'd ended communication with him for the sake of the marriage. I would then say to hubby that there are 2 options, we can either try to work through it for the sake of the marriage and the children, and we can go and see a councellor/therapist together or he can see one alone... Marriage is a partnership and we've got to work together as a team and plow through it together. I would try my hardest to help him out of it and put my faith in him that he could do it (even if I don't quite believe it at the start - you've got to make him believe that you believe in him). And I would let him know that if he doesn't want to or can't do anything about his alcoholism then I would leave him, and take the children.

    That's what I'd do, but you might be different. I definitely think ending it with the guy is the first thing to do. You need to evaluate what you want, and whether you think you can help your husband, and if you can't, it might be better for you and the kids to get out earlier rather than later. Kids catch on to things very quickly, and the longer they're in an environment like that, the more likely they are to be scarred by what they've experienced/seen.

    Edited to add: I don't think it's wise to leave your husband for someone else because you're obviously wanting affection and it's not always the first person who comes along in a situation like that, who's right for you. Perhaps if you do want to leave your husband, ask him to wait for you until you get settled? Although thats perhaps not fair on him.
     
  16. Glasgow girl62

    Glasgow girl62 Full Member

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    Oh peta
    Stop and take a step back
    You know you and only you can make any decision on what to do. There are many people who will tell you what they think. There are people who will tell you what you think !
    Some will tell you what they would do or what you should do. When your head is all muddled you will only see what you want to see and read what you want to read.
    You have to be true to yourself but most of all think how it will affect your children.
    We could all give the pro!s and cons of staying in your marriage or setting off on a new relationship but we really don't know the inns and outs of all you go through or how you feel.
    All I can say is we are not here to judge you on any decision you take but if we can support you we will no matter whether or not we agree with your decision. Please consider getting professional support to help you talk through your dilemma so you know the decision you come up is one you will be happy with.
    Hugs fx
     
  17. NiaX

    NiaX Silver Member

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    It sounds like an awful situation to be in.

    Has your husband admitted to being an alcoholic? Have you discussed getting help?

    Different people will have different views on your dilema, but try and ask yourself some of the following questions:

    Do you love your husband?
    Can you see a future with him - with or without the alcoholism?
    Have you only stayed this long for the kids?
    Are your children being affected by his behaviour?
    Do you believe he will change with the right help?

    I think having honest answers to these questions may help you.

    I'd advise against telling your husband about the other man. The reason for this is that there must be underlying issues for the alcoholism and until you know what these are, it may be best to avoid that kind of confrontation.

    The important thing is to make sure that you are happy and healthy. As your husband is unwell, your children need you more than ever.

    I hope you get this resolved ASAP!
     
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  19. blissfulbabe

    blissfulbabe Full Member

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    I'm so sad to hear you are having such a horrible time at home.

    My husband was an alcoholic and I tried everything to help him stop but the truth is only the person with the problem can do anything about it.

    I left him when my children were seven and two, when it became obvious he was starting to damage the children. He wasn't violent but words can cause more lasting pain that a slap or a thump. It was very tough both emotionally and financially, but it is the one decision in my life that I am certain was the right one.

    I did have an affair while I was still with my husband as emotionally I was so battered and bruised that any form of kindness was like a balm to my soul. However, it didn't solve the basic problem and I realised that just as my husband was the only one who could do anything about his drinking I was the only one who could do anything about my unhappiness.

    I can totally understand why you are so attracted to this new man but you do need to be aware that if you did have an affair and it was discovered then all hell will break loose and your situation will be horrible and if you do decide to go down this route you need to plan for all contigencies.

    The other thing that leaps out of your post is that you are in an abusive relationship - there doesn't have to be physical violence for the relationship to be abusive. Refuge have some very good advice on their website, including how to manage financially if you do decide that you can't live in an abusive relationship (available here: Economic abuse | Refuge )

    I am not saying that you should leave your husband but I am saying that you have a responsibility to both yourself and your children to make sure you are safe - both physically AND emotionally. Living with an addict is a painful and traumatic experience and so is leaving one - but I look at my kids, both happy and healthy, and I know it was all worth it.
     
  20. fFulhamgirl31

    fFulhamgirl31 Member

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    My Advice

    Hi there,

    I grew up with an alcoholic stepdad and it was hell, for the children's sake I would walk away as they deserve better as well as yourself.

    You are going to grow more and more attached to this guy the longer you let the contact go on, I don't bame you though cause I myself and I am sure many others would do the same if they was living your life. It's an escape from your own reality.

    Just remember though these early feeling don't last forever ... If you and this guy ended up together it isn't always going to be how it is now.

    You have to decide what you really want for yourself and if that is to end the marriage then do that but don't do it because of this man.

    That relationship may or may not happen that's why you have to make the choice on what's best for you and them children.

    I really hope whatever happends it's the right choice for you.

    We only get one shot at life so do what makes you happy and I hope whatever you chose to do works out. x

    Good luck x
     
  21. welshymamma

    welshymamma when will I be slim

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    How are you today
     
  22. helpmepls

    helpmepls New Member

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    Just want to say thank you for all your support and advice as usual you are the best.

    I've decided not to get in touch again with the other guy, he goes away soon for 2 weeks and that'll be the end of it.

    I had decided that I'd talk to H & work things out & when I came home from work he was drunk again. I'm going to speak to him & tell him exactly how I feel and ask him to get help/stop drinking and give him a week. If nothing improves & he's not even trying/making the effort I'm gonna ask him to leave. I need to live here as I've got the kids and its easier if he goes.

    I'm really sad, unhappy & so upset that he doesn't think enough of his family to even try at the moment. I'll speak to him tomorrow X
     
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