AJs Maintenance Journey Part 1

[AmandaJayne]

Thanks for your comments, Skinny,

".......but I am not taking it for granted....."

Yup, me neither! Last night I changed my mind about the hot oranges and opted instead for a 'fruit medly'. Chopped orange, apple, grapes, kiwi, and a small banana in a bowl. Didn't have the hot chocolate - kept to the hot lemon juice instead.

This morning I did have two poached eggs with spinach and sprinkled with balsamic vinegar. At playtime I chopped up an apple. Lunch was home made lentil soup plus salad and 40g wensleydale/blackberry cheese and a piece of quality ham. After school I visited a friend and had a small piece of dark chocolate from a box.

For tea I did curry which I had with just a bit of brown rice and a lot of spinach/tomato/onion. Plus, a third of a large naan (one of those fruit and coconut ones). Afterwards I had a handful of dried fruits - pineapple (too sweet), apricot pieces and sultanas plus a square of dark chocolate/raspberry and the same again but with ginger pieces.

I think that's alright, but feel anxious about the chocolate pieces after tea. Started questioning whether I should have had them because I'd already had a piece today. It's a bit silly because it is not as if I will carry on doing it every day. I just need to get a bit of perspective here. (Get a grip girl).

Heavens, when I think of what I used to put away in the past - it beggars belief, really.

Karion, nice to hear from you hun.

Yeah, I think we all like routine. I've got two more eggs left so they are earmarked for tomorrow morning. Then it will be back to porridge again (I do so enjoy it). I have a seed/dried fruit topping sprinkled on top. Which reminds me, I need to get some more on Saturday from Holland and Barrett!

Bacon butty? Now there's a thought. I've got some gorgeous, nutty rolls in the freezer which would go nicely with a piece of quality bacon (and tomato sauce). It's a firm favourite with the whole family too. Maybe Sunday morning...

I almost forgot. Last night I made a big pan of lentil soup. This time with red peppers and carrots. Last time I added a big bag of spinach. It tasted lovely but looked like sludge. This time it had a lovely orangy red appearance - much prettier.

My big blender fell to bits as I was liquidising the soup in batches. I ended up mashing it with a potato masher! I was lucky not to lose an eye when the bits whizzed around the room! The kitchen was covered in soup, as was I. Still, it tastes ok.

Oh I nearly forgot something else. I was speaking to a colleague this afternoon. She thanked me for my advice and support a couple of months ago when we chatted about my experiences using CBT. I had lent her some information I had at home about it and she has found it really useful in identifying problems she was having (depression and self-esteem issues). I am so pleased to see her looking happier and much less stressed.

 

[Goombagirl]

Thanks for doing this new thread AJ - it will be invaluable to so many people. Your food sounds wonderful - really healthy and tasty. I was looking through my green book today and found a bit I'd missed previously (on P. 147-9) about management and the "advanced" courses(Living Lighter and Rebalancing) - is that what you're doing now? It sounds a bit more structured than I'd expected. I suppose you do a lot on your own as everyone is at different stages. I can't really imagine how it works out in practice but I'll soon find out!

 

[AmandaJayne]

Hia Goombagirl,

The management meetings I attend have people at different stages of management, either on one of the initial 12 weeks, or just maintaining beyond this. There is usually a bit of structure because we tend to have a talk on a specific part of the programme, but there is always plenty of scope for questions, offering advice/experiences, dealing with problems etc.

Good day today (saturday). Walked to town. Met Hubby and daughter at Wetherspoons, but took them to a new cafe I had discovered earlier that morning called The Den. It specialises in computer games! Ended up back there for lunch (soup/bread) and had a go of the new Nintendo Wii - very funny. Adrian and Jayne did some boxing (she won), ten-pin bowling (she won) and tennis (she won). Even I had a go. I don't usually have any interest in games but the Wii is much more user friendly and active - it is easier because there are fewer buttons to confuse me!

Myself and Jayne went shopping later - she's growing too tall for her school trousers - needed new really long ones. So, it was off to New Look. Spent a fortune! Did a big shop at Tesco later - loads of fruit and veg.

Had two pieces of chocolate earlier. Want some more. Not having any. I'll have a fresh fruit salad instead, for supper.

Told Jamie about The Den. He wants to go there NOW!

 

[Cerulean]

My friend got a Wii at Christmas - it was hilarious - I went round and played a couple of games of tennis with him and then left him to it - the next day I called him and he was in agony because he'd put his back out from playing it for 8 hours! You have been warned AJ

But that's great about the chocolate. Good adult choice there! I did the Paul McKenna seminar last year and the two things it did for me was give me control over chocolate and crisps. It was so lovely to have a bar of Green and Blacks in the house that I knew would last me for at least 2 weeks! How grown up did I feel being able to have one or two squares of chocolate?!

 

[AmandaJayne]

I predict that next Saturday we will be back at The Den...

Yes, I've heard about the 'accidents' which people have had playing this Wii thing - black eyes, broken noses, smashed furniture etc.

I've booked a aromatherapy massage for my back for next Saturday morning at 11.00. Mmmm so looking forward to it! Should be all mellowed out ready for a session on the Wii....

Sunday - slept in. Did a big fry-up for the rest of the family and had my porridge.

Got exhausted watching the London Marathon, then we all walked to Linlithgow along the canal bank (five or six miles) and had lunch at the Star and Garter. I had chicken caesar salad - it was lovely, I could taste the anchovies in the sauce. After that we walked along to Linlithgow Palace. Today being 'doors open' at Historic Scotland buildings, the place was mobbed with families looking for a free day out - us included! The kids ran around the place up and down the staircases and we ended up having a game of football later. Got a bus back to Polmont and walked back home from there. I feel tired now, but very pleased to have been so active on a Sunday for a change.

We plan to do some more walks along the canal towpath because we noticed that there a few places where we could stop and have a picnic.

Anyway, I am planning to do a salmon and seafood kedgeree for tea tonight with lots of extra fresh veg, some roasted. I haven't had any chocolate today and I am thinking of sticking a bit of dark choc in the ban marie to melt, and dipping some fruit in, for a treat. I have some yummy strawberries which are crying out for a bit of chocolate coating and I am wondering what fresh pineapple would be like with melted chocolate?

To all those SSers doing LL or CD at the moment who are reading this and salivating YOUR DAY WILL COME, as mine has. You have to accept a bit of DEFERRED GRATIFICATION just now, and that by the Summer holidays some of you will be able to eat again and be able to describe the joy of appreciating food again.

It's funny but I have found that I don't miss the rubbish stuff I used to eat before LL. I really love fresh veg and fruit and good quality meats and fish and, although I have accepted that I don't NEED to eat as much as I used to, what I do eat has to be good quality now. It's when you stop eating normal food for a period of time that you look objectively at what's around you and realise just how silly it's all become. At restaurants the portion sizes are often ridiculus and simply not necesary. All these 'buy one get one free' items in supermarkets really mean that we end up eating more rather than enough. I would rather pay less for one item! Diet products are often full of sugar rather than fat which is not healthy either. Ready meals are ok occasionally but I've realised that there is no substitute for cooking from scratch - that way I know what's in the meal. It does require a but of planning to prepare from scratch, but ultimately it is worth the extra effort I think. For a start, I can control the amount of salt and sugar and fat added.

That's enough now, I'd better get the dinner on!

 

[Joolz]

It's funny but I have found that I don't miss the rubbish stuff I used to eat before LL. I really love fresh veg and fruit and good quality meats and fish and, although I have accepted that I don't NEED to eat as much as I used to, what I do eat has to be good quality now. It's when you stop eating normal food for a period of time that you look objectively at what's around you and realise just how silly it's all become. At restaurants the portion sizes are often ridiculus and simply not necesary. All these 'buy one get one free' items in supermarkets really mean that we end up eating more rather than enough. I would rather pay less for one item! Diet products are often full of sugar rather than fat which is not healthy either. Ready meals are ok occasionally but I've realised that there is no substitute for cooking from scratch - that way I know what's in the meal. It does require a but of planning to prepare from scratch, but ultimately it is worth the extra effort I think. For a start, I can control the amount of salt and sugar and fat added.

Hi AJ - not been on for a few days as busy at work then a busy but lovely weekend. Just wanted to say how well you continue to do.

I echo what you say above. Couldn't have written it better myself. I am going for quality over quantity at the moment (week 6 management for me from today). Restaurant portions you are so right - yesterday after a lovely walk around a National Trust garden in the morning, hubby and I stopped for lunch at a pub/restautant we used to frequent a lot. The food is good. I ordered a crayfish and smoked salmon salad - starter size (they do it as a main course too) and when it came it was just the right size as a main course for me. Now some folk would have that and a main course and a dessert (I would have too in fatdom) so no wonder I was overweight. I also walk past the BOGOFs in supermarkets if its something I would not normally buy or isn't part of my healthy diet.

Good luck this week - and keep up the good work! I still follow in your footsteps - its like having my very own mentor!!!
Julie x

 

[AmandaJayne]

Ha Joolz!

I've just replied to your diary thread!

I'm going to mention what happened tonight, after my LL meeting. You already know about it, Joolz!


My meeting night has moved from Tuesday to Monday now. As a member who has completed my 12 weeks of Management I have the option of only attending every four weeks for a pop in now. My counsellor has said that I can come every week if I want (please). I do want.

There were three new M'ment members there tonight and I watched them chatting, all excited, and remembered how I felt at the beginning of Management. There were a couple of members who were long termers and they gave me some really good advice, which I appreciated at the time.

I'd like to stick around to support them if they need advice, and of course get support for myself. I showed them the before photo (its on the gallery) of me and they were genuinely shocked and amazed at the difference. I was quite chuffed to be honest.

Anyway, I was able to put on 1/2 lb this week, the first weight gain since starting LL. Hopefully this is the start of proper stabilization.

When I got back I was really peckish but decided to stop at my friends house (she'd been looking after kids for me) for a coffee and chat. Another neighbour was there and we ended up having a really good gossip about people we know! Great fun!. However, by the time I got home it was late and all I could find to eat was leftovers from the weekend. I chopped everything up and did a stir-fry with my home-made dressing. It was really tasty actually, served on a bed of spinach!

Afterward (I wasn't hungry at this time) I watched my kids do a melted chocolate with fruit bowl supper, and wanted one too. I used dark chocolate (40g) and served it with fresh pineapple and pears. After that I wanted more chocolate. I took a piece of ginger chocolate and raspberry chocolate (both dark) and ate them. I wanted more.

At this point I reasoned with myself that having the chocolate in the house was obviously not a good thing. I should eat the rest now, and then there would not be a problem, would there?

ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!

I mentally shook myself. "Get in that kitchen and get that chocolate into the outside bin NOW!"

I did so immediately. Phew, I felt so much better with it out of the house. A result, I think.

So, there you are. No more chocolate for me. If it's not in the vicinity, I won't think about it. Sad, but true.

 

[skinnyminny]

Wow AJ well done on beating that one, you are so controlled & together to have made that decision.

I am not a huge chocolate lover, I can take it or leave it, but I am obsessed with bread so it will be interesting to see if this period of abstinence and the CBT has helped me to overcome it and would love to be able to eat a slice of nice bread and leave it at that a slice & not devour the contents of the bakery!

Time will tell

x

 

[Goombagirl]

I can so identify with that feeling AJ - the number of times I have bought mini eggs to make Easter nests with the kids then eaten the whole pack before they got home from school! It always started with "Just a couple...". I admire your resolve. I hope I can change my thinking about chocolate but I suspect I may be following your example in 3 months time. But throwing chocolate away - your will power is truly amazing! Good for you!

 

[katie_oxo]

Well done on throwing it away AJ - excellent that you were strong enough to know when to stop and to get rid of it before you could be tempted to eat more.

Cath

 

[AmandaJayne]

Well Goombagirl,

I just did it. And felt better for doing it. In the past I would have eaten all the chocolate in the house, plus anything else sugary that was around. I may even have gone out to the local shop to get more. It is scary to think of those days. I hope they remain 'those days' and don't ever become 'these days' again!

 

[Cherry Plum]

AJ does this mean that chocolate is one of your trigger foods & you wont be able to eat it again or have it in the house?

Because I know its one of mine & I cannot live the rest of my life knowing there is chocolate in the world & I cant have any!

 

[AmandaJayne]

Well Cherry, I've always thought that sugary food was my nemesis.

I will leave the chocolate out of the equation for the time being, but won't say that I'll not eat it again. Just not for a while. Like you (or anyone else) if I deny myself something for ever, I'll just start wanting it all the time! Not good.

Instead, I will have to explore my reasons for behaving like I did last night. Try to work it out. Do a thought record. Try to be objective. This is when the hard work starts, I suppose.

I am just watching a programme that (I taped) was on last night about a couple of women who attempt to diet from a size 12 to a size 2 (or USA double zero) in five weeks. It's fascinating stuff. They become obsessed with food and developing eating disorder symptoms i.e. over exercising, bingeing, food obsessions, laxatives - losing the plot, really. Sounds so familiar...

At the end of the experiment, a doctor talking about the effects of extreme dieting explained that the body will make you feel extremely hungry and obssessed with food in order to force you to eat again, causing a classic 'yo-yo dieting' effect. He explained that this effect is very bad for your health, particularly your heart.

One of the women particularly had become particularly emotionally affected by the experience and had developed symptoms of having an eating disorder, eventually admitting to bingeing and purgeing - I was really concerned for her, actually. She was very anxious about the final weigh-in and took off most of her clothes beforehand (!). She had been stopped from completing the full five week experiment because of her docotor's concerns.

It all confirms what I have suspected for a long time. My own 'eating disorder' was developed from a young age when I started dieting. I hope that if I can remain stable, I can overcome it eventually. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say.

 

[Betty Boo]

Hi Aj,

I became a member of this site last week, although I have been coming on here since before I started LL. I am now in week 8, I go into week 9 next week and can't wait.

I have had to very very bad weeks, feeling low and wondering why I was doing this to myself. I have not lapsed yet and know that I won't, I definately have the willpower, but must say that I was finding it very hard and was quite depressed with my slow weight loss even though I exercise 4 times a week for an hour and a half.

I read your mnagement thread last night and was gripped, you have done so well and I am so proud of you, even though I don't know you. You have become an icon in my eye and I was so pleased when I just logged on tonight and found you had started a new thread. I feel much better today and think it was down to reading your experience last night.

I just wondered what eating disorder you developed as I too have had a problem with food all my life (although now I realise that in the beginning the problem was everyone else had a problem and I then developed a problem from that) and probably always will.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia last year and have since put on more than 5 1/2 stone (just more than I lost when I first realised I needed to start losing weight a couple of years back) I too watched that programme and I understand all the feelings and it makes me very sad as I have been at both ends of the weight scale. Now all I want is a normal healthy weight and no 6 weekly gym sessions lastings 4 hours at a time - complete madness!!

Now I have got that out of my system I just want to say, please, please carry on with your threads. They are so interesting and it gives us all something to look forward to and your receipes sound amazing, I can't wait for some raita!!

:thankyou:

 

[AmandaJayne]

Thanks for replying Betty Boo, it's great to read other peoples' experiences and that includes you Betty. It's when you read other threads that you realise you're not alone. The thoughts and behaviours you have and are embarrassed or ashamed of are actually very common. We all suffer in silence and pretend everything is ok.

Your question about what eating disorder I have/had is an interesting one.

It is only relatively recently that I have admitted I had one. Running away from the truth always seemed the better option. That way I wouldn't have to deal with it.

The thing is, that programme that I was talking about earlier was illuminating on a lot of fronts. It showed how dangerous dieting was even over a short period of time (five weeks). I've dieted regularly for thirty years Betty Boo, and lost the plot a long time ago!

I've done a lot of stupid things to try and get thin and have never ever succeeded. Your comments about the over exercising struck a chord too. I used to go the the gym twice a day at one point - that's just crazy. No one can keep up that pace, especially when working part time and with two young kids. When I eventually 'fell', I totally crashed out!

I have never been anorexic, but my mum said I was 'going that way' when I visited them at Easter. Hmmm. That's just because she has never seen me slim. I am a size 12, that's not anorexic, just normal.

Congratulations on gaining weight after the anorexia. That must have been really tough. The doctor talking on the programme summed it up when he explained how dieting set up a need to eat which was out of proportion with what we needed to eat, because it was trying to protect the body from the effects of starvation. It made life more difficult because when we returned to our 'normal eating' we would actually put on weight. When that happens, we go on another diet to lose the extra weight, get more obsessed, binge, put on extra weight, exercise more, lose weight, stop exercising, gain more weight, binge, go on another diet.... you get the picture.

What's the answer? Well, knowing you have a problem is a start, learning what the triggers are is useful, finding the weapons to fight back is important, talking to like minded people and getting support is crucial (being isolated only compounds the feelings of depression, anxiety or uselessness). The LL Group counselling has been a real bonus to me. It has made the difference between failure and success - that's a big difference. The removal of food from my life has been instrumental in helping me to recover, given me a breathing space, allowed me to view my behaviours objectively for the first time. Enabled me to find ways to cope in the future.

I could go on but want to have a long soak in the bath - my bubble-bath is calling me....

 

[Betty Boo]

Afternoon,

Your words are very true and as you have said reading all of these threads by so many different people is so interesting and you realise you are not alone.

LL has really started to make me think differently about food and my life in general to be honest.

Thanks for the help/advice. Please keep up your treads, they are so entertaining and I think you look great at the size you are now.

 

[AmandaJayne]

Here's an update for this week...

Have had to have a period of reassessment after the chocolate stuff of the other night. I had realised that lack of planning and preparation had made me vulnerable to eating too much or the wrong thing.

So, lack of planning can lead to mistakes...

Allowing myself to become too hungry can lead to eating too much, too quickly...

I was reading another thread where a member was talking about weighing once a month. I can't do that at the moment. I weigh every morning first thing. I find that it helps to keep me stable at the moment. But it is a learning experience, and one which I am still unfamiliar with.

I am wondering whether eating fruit at night is a good thing. I was in the bath and my tummy started moving around, rather like a baby kicking. It was really weird and for a horrible moment I wondered if I was pregnant! This has happened a few times recently, in the evening. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant, I had a coil fitted last June.

Overslept this morning! Had no time for breakfast except a few grapes stuffed in my mouth on the way to work. Had an apple when I arrived. Lunch was home-made lentil soup and another apple. Had a snack of a small piece of salmon with spinach and tomatoes at 4. Later, at about 7 had main evening meal - roasted salmon with salad. For supper I had porridge (better late than never) with a handful of sultanas. No fresh fruit.

Went to an ICT Fair today. Met loads of ex colleagues who hadn't seen the 'new me' and exclaimed at how well I looked and that they hardly recognised me! Lovely! Found out that our school had won a silver in the competition. A real feather in our caps! Had a couple of cups of coffee and left the biscuits alone.

 

[KD]

The thing is, that programme that I was talking about earlier was illuminating on a lot of fronts. It showed how dangerous dieting was even over a short period of time (five weeks).

I have a brilliant report about this. Absolutely fascinating research done. I posted it on here once, and pretty much stopped a very interesting thread (all but one person). Anyway...you might be interested.
http://www.minimins.com/maintenance/8383-kind-depressing-but-important-2.html.

Maybe in the summer holidays eh

 

[KD]

I was in the bath and my tummy started moving around, rather like a baby kicking. It was really weird and for a horrible moment I wondered if I was pregnant! This has happened a few times recently, in the evening. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant, I had a coil fitted last June.

I get that sometimes. Never used to. Yes...it is like a baby kicking. Very odd. Wonder if it's gas?

 

[Mrs Lard]

Hello AJ

Goombagirl pointed me in your direction (I was asking about LighterLife after management) and this is what she wrote:

"The answer lies here: (AJs Maintenance Journey Part 1)AJs Maintenance Journey Part 1. This is the ongoing account of what happens post-12 weeks of management. I am an avid reader! It's worth looking for AJ's management thread too - it's brilliant."

I am so glad she did; I have found your postings really really helpful. I've also seen your progress to date;you've done SO well. Congratulations. Thanks for being so honest because you are really helping others who are coming up to Management or who, like me still in Foundation, are wondering about the long term.

Keep posting - please! And a big thank you to Goombagirl for pointing me in the right direction.

Mrs L xx