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Anyone got any jokes??? I need a laugh

S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#1
Here's mine a bit long but keep reading:-
:D

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.

Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.:confused:

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. :confused:

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. :mad:

"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! :mad::mad:

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are
you still there?" :rolleyes:

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. :confused:

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. :sign0151:
 
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#2
Sorry :D

Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
He tells her, "it's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."
 
S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#3
LMAO

Thats a good one Garry. I dont think anyone else has any jokes, your the only one who replied......

I know I have ketosis breath but didnt think anyone could smell it via a computer. Ha Ha

Take Care your doing so well..... oh and I believe from reading some threads are "one of the women" on this forum... no literally...

Michelle x
 
#4
:eek:What ya talking about Willis;):D x
 
S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#5
Well different strokes takes me back........

here's another quick one for you ---- joke that is

Whats the definition of trust???
.
.
.
.
.
.
2 cannibals having oral sex


Michelle x
 
#6
sex sex sex what is it with you women:p x
 
#7
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '
 
S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#8
not all the time LOL

Heres another joke then not sex related then.....

Due to a power outage, only one Paramedic responded to an emergency call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.


Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
 

loobylou

Reached Target. woohoo
S: 14st0lb C: 9st4lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 22.3 Loss: 4st10lb(33.67%)
#9
Hi, Heres one for you. Hope you like it, made me a giggle.
xxx Loobylou:D

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.' !!!
 

ladylipo

Silver Member
#10
Heres a really good one!!!
Garry just called me ladyHIPO instead of lidylipo lol
 
#11
Thats brilliant whos he xxxxxx:p
 

Kitteh

Resident geek
#12
What did batman say to robin before he got in the car....?


























get in the car robin..

I love it.. And i know you wont laugh.. meh.. lol

x x
 
#13
had to be done though xx
 
S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#14
What do you call a zoo with only 1 dog
.
.
.
.
.
. a Shitzu
 
S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#15
and see Garry not sex related
 

Kitteh

Resident geek
#16
Lol.. i liked the last one.. simple jokes are always the most effective.. hehe.. :) or best for the blonde simple people..

x x
 
S: 15st7lb C: 13st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 34.9 Loss: 1st12lb(11.98%)
#17
simple is easy for me ,,, sometimes when the comedians tell them at the club i work at on a sunday the crowd are laughing and I do too but not sure what at.. think i should have been born blonde instead of brunette
 

ladylipo

Silver Member
#18
Hey less of slagging off the blondes!! Your looking at a very clever very blonde young lady ere :p
 

TracyJ

Gold Member
#20
Hahahaha cheeky! I dont mind im not natural blonde x
 


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