Anyone got any jokes??? I need a laugh

[For Me This Time]

ooops sorry hun, the ones I know are as bright as a lump of coal so to speak, no offence meant !!!!

I have a song I pinched GARRY FOR THE LADIES ONLY don't want to make you blush or feel threatened....

Here we go then:---


Sang to the theme tune Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long
That I grew strong
And knew that I could take you on
But there you are... another lie,
I was geared up for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry
I should have known it was bullsh*t, just a sad, pathetic dream
Should have known no anaconda would be lurking in those jeans...

Go on now go... walk out the door
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4
Weren't you a pr*t to think that I wouldn't catch you out
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count!

(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive
Cos as long as I have batteries my s*x life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good s*x with a handful of latex
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey hey

It took all my self-control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud
But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed
Go on now go... you'd better flee
Last time I saw a pr*ck that small was on my brother... he was 3
I should have asked for confirmation, should have asked for referees
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me
Go on now go... just hit the track
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back
The only thing that I could do with a pr*ck as small as yours
Is to stick it with a tooth-pick, dip it in tomato sauce

(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive
Cos as long as I have batteries my s*x life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good s*x with a handful of latex
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey hey
Go on now go... get out of my sight

I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know it's length is right
And if I ever see your tiny truncheon standing at my door
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor
Go on now go..

 

[TracyJ]

Hahhahahahahahahahahahah That is hilarious hun! LOL xx

 

[Mich]

WARNING!!!

This is a warning to all DIY'ers amongst us.....

I went into my local B&Q today and was approached by an old man wearing a black top and orange apron..... he said did I want decking.... fortunately for me I've quick reflexes and got the first punch in...... this is to warn you as others may not be so lucky.....

 

[For Me This Time]

Oh thats a good one Mich. I think the song I pinched was one you posted hun. It stuck in my mind and has been circulated to various councils around the UK

 

[Mich]

Sorry.... bit rude but hey what the heck!!!

Husband says to wife you should start washing your knickers in slim fast it might make your fat ar$e thinner.....

Next day he puts his pants on and they are covered in powder.... he says to his wife...'did you put talc in them? No she say's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!



Another - rude again !!

2 women go to the Caribbean for a girly holiday and meet a rather gorgeous muscular black guy.... after 2 weeks of threesome fun they ask him his name..... Snow he replies..... the ladies start laughing and he asks them why..... well one of them said our husbands will never believe that we've been to the Caribbean and had 10 inches of snow.....

 

[TracyJ]

Hey ill be getting excited lol x

 

[BIG BIRDY]

Oh thats a good one Mich. I think the song I pinched was one you posted hun. It stuck in my mind and has been circulated to various councils around the UK

That was a fabbo song! Am just about to TRY and forward it to my fb & email! LMAO!

 

[For Me This Time]

glad u liked it Nikki, every time I see it , it makes me smile and amazing how you sing it in your head.

 

[For Me This Time]

dont think there will be snow in Turkey or Bolton poor me!!!

 

[MsJMC]

oK THINK WE ALL NEED A LAUGH ON HERE
An old man goes into a chemist to buy viagra, can i have 6 tablets cut in Quarters, I can cut them 4 u said the chemist but a Quarter tablet won't give u a full erection . I am 96 said the old man i don't want an erection i just want it sticking out far enough so i don't piss on my slippers

 

[fattothin]

lol x