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Step 1 Sole Source Ashamed and desperate


Full Member
S: 28st7lb C: 27st3lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 42.9 Loss: 1st4lb(4.51%)
Grghhhh, just got half way through and pressed the wrong button, lost it all, here we go again... literally!

So, after over a year of trying to restart... well I say trying in the loosest possible sense because actually I didn't really try at all, I think it's safe to say I have reached breaking point!

Today is 19 July 2016, the hottest day of the year, I cannot go on like this. I am ashamed and desperate and if I do not change I will probably die.... simple!

I know Cambridge works, in 2009 and 2015 I lost about 5 stone each time, but no surprises I am now the heaviest I have ever been and I have to do this, 28st 7lbs (399lbs) is shocking, l weighed about 21 stone last August, that's a 6+ stone gain in a year!

Why? Laziness, gluttony, greed, denial, boredom. PATHETIC. Nobody and nothing to blame but myself. I eat too much and have no self control when it comes to food, I know it's wrong but at that point I must have it.

The more weight I put on the less I want to do, I don't want to go out, I don't want to see my friends.

The more weight I put on the less I can physically do, I can't walk very far without getting puffed out and hot, I am sweaty and feel disgusting. My knees hurt, my feet and ankles are constantly swollen. In fact in the 32° weather today they are so swollen they hurt.

My clothes don't fit and I am rotating the same 2 outfits. I wear the same black lined suit to work everyday, I am having to wear a scarf everyday as well because my jacket is too small and it doesn't fit over my tummy. I am embarrassed every day to go to work in the same clothes, I can see people watching me but they don't say anything... they wouldn't, they just accept it.

Imagine that, 32° heat, underwear + comfort shorts + lined skirt + vest top + lined jacket + scarf + office shoes. I look ridiculous, I am ridiculous....

Tomorrow is the last day for my children at School then it's 7 weeks off, I share the childcare with my husband as he works night shifts so we manage to cover the holidays between us. My children have very innocently reassured me that Daddy is the fun one, which by default makes me the boring one. A title I will accept, we cannot all be fun, can we? I want to be fun, I want to go swimming and bike riding and to the beach and park and everywhere!!! Like this, I cannot and will not. I am ashamed that my laziness and lifestyle will affect my relationship with my children.

THEREFORE today; Tuesday 19 July 2016 is day 1, it is the evening now and I have been 100%. I will do this!

I have set a goal date of 19 August 2017, why this date? I want to go on a family summer holiday abroad next year. I want to lose 18 stone and 7lbs by that date, I want to weigh 10 stone. Is that a realistic target? I don't know but I will try my best to get there. Aim high.

Finger crossed, it's all up to me.
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S: 23st1.0lb C: 23st1.0lb G: 16st0.0lb BMI: 47.7 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
I feel your pain. The complete feeling of out of control. But we can do it. Only you can make the change, no one forces us to eat, we do it to ourselves. Just keep focused and remember why you are doing it.
Lots of love xxxx

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