Fattack
Likes to eat
So, as some of you know, I'm in a long-distance relationship and don't get to see my OH very often. I'd lost 16lbs since New Year, when I last saw him, when he visited on Easter Weekend. I knew I was going to be off plan a bit for his 10 day visit, and was hoping to stick to maintenance calories.
He was so proud of me when I picked him up at the airport and kept complimenting me. I felt like a million bucks.
But was it enough to keep me on track? Was it hell.
The first day went well, but we spent all night at an all-night dance club event thing, and went to McDonalds for breakfast. I caved and had a McMuffin - I'd never had one before. I felt very unwell afterwards - my body rejecting the processed crap I'd not touched for months (I don't even eat Microwave meals). It was all downhill from there.
I ate almost everything in sight, with an even bigger appetite than my boyfriend, who refused desserts and chips and large portions (he's also dieting with WeightWatchers). I felt ASHAMED as I showed no restraint. I felt he was ASHAMED of me as I displayed no willpower whatsoever. Most of the food actually made me feel unwell afterwards, although I did enjoy some of it whilst I ate it.
We went shopping on Saturday, and I was wearing a dress, and some trendy guys made a comment about my legs (I don't know exactly what they said, but they pointed and laughed, and I must admit, ankle socks on somebody short with quite thick, muscular legs may not have been the most flattering look), I started to cry, ashamed.
My new clothes started to get a little tight, and I was ashamed of my body (although recognising it's still a lot smaller than it was).
Having to update my tickers and weight loss stats on MFP and Minimins... again, ashamed.
And weighing in today to find I'd gained 5lbs of weight (which is probably accurate, given how much I ate in calories)... unbelievably ashamed. That was basically 4 weeks work (most of April and one week of March) down the drain. I just hope I can offset some of the damage, and that by some miracle, maybe some of it is water weight. Until I shed that 5lbs again, I'll probably avoid eating all my exercise calories.
I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is ashamed of me, and now will keep the memory of me gorging mindlessly until I see him next. I want to make people proud and *I* want to be proud. I will remember how I feel - both physically (that was the thing - I felt mostly ILL after eating) and emotionally - after a week of doing whatever the hell I like. I know I probably shouldn't be so upset about gaining 5lbs after losing over 60 (nearly 70 if i discount this last gain) but for some reason whenever I get to around 10st, something *happens* and I never really recover from it. It's becoming an upsetting barrier.
I just needed to rant here. Back on track today. Thanks for reading xx
He was so proud of me when I picked him up at the airport and kept complimenting me. I felt like a million bucks.
But was it enough to keep me on track? Was it hell.
The first day went well, but we spent all night at an all-night dance club event thing, and went to McDonalds for breakfast. I caved and had a McMuffin - I'd never had one before. I felt very unwell afterwards - my body rejecting the processed crap I'd not touched for months (I don't even eat Microwave meals). It was all downhill from there.
I ate almost everything in sight, with an even bigger appetite than my boyfriend, who refused desserts and chips and large portions (he's also dieting with WeightWatchers). I felt ASHAMED as I showed no restraint. I felt he was ASHAMED of me as I displayed no willpower whatsoever. Most of the food actually made me feel unwell afterwards, although I did enjoy some of it whilst I ate it.
We went shopping on Saturday, and I was wearing a dress, and some trendy guys made a comment about my legs (I don't know exactly what they said, but they pointed and laughed, and I must admit, ankle socks on somebody short with quite thick, muscular legs may not have been the most flattering look), I started to cry, ashamed.
My new clothes started to get a little tight, and I was ashamed of my body (although recognising it's still a lot smaller than it was).
Having to update my tickers and weight loss stats on MFP and Minimins... again, ashamed.
And weighing in today to find I'd gained 5lbs of weight (which is probably accurate, given how much I ate in calories)... unbelievably ashamed. That was basically 4 weeks work (most of April and one week of March) down the drain. I just hope I can offset some of the damage, and that by some miracle, maybe some of it is water weight. Until I shed that 5lbs again, I'll probably avoid eating all my exercise calories.
I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is ashamed of me, and now will keep the memory of me gorging mindlessly until I see him next. I want to make people proud and *I* want to be proud. I will remember how I feel - both physically (that was the thing - I felt mostly ILL after eating) and emotionally - after a week of doing whatever the hell I like. I know I probably shouldn't be so upset about gaining 5lbs after losing over 60 (nearly 70 if i discount this last gain) but for some reason whenever I get to around 10st, something *happens* and I never really recover from it. It's becoming an upsetting barrier.
I just needed to rant here. Back on track today. Thanks for reading xx
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