Ashamed.

[Fattack]

So, as some of you know, I'm in a long-distance relationship and don't get to see my OH very often. I'd lost 16lbs since New Year, when I last saw him, when he visited on Easter Weekend. I knew I was going to be off plan a bit for his 10 day visit, and was hoping to stick to maintenance calories.

He was so proud of me when I picked him up at the airport and kept complimenting me. I felt like a million bucks.

But was it enough to keep me on track? Was it hell.

The first day went well, but we spent all night at an all-night dance club event thing, and went to McDonalds for breakfast. I caved and had a McMuffin - I'd never had one before. I felt very unwell afterwards - my body rejecting the processed crap I'd not touched for months (I don't even eat Microwave meals). It was all downhill from there.

I ate almost everything in sight, with an even bigger appetite than my boyfriend, who refused desserts and chips and large portions (he's also dieting with WeightWatchers). I felt ASHAMED as I showed no restraint. I felt he was ASHAMED of me as I displayed no willpower whatsoever. Most of the food actually made me feel unwell afterwards, although I did enjoy some of it whilst I ate it.

We went shopping on Saturday, and I was wearing a dress, and some trendy guys made a comment about my legs (I don't know exactly what they said, but they pointed and laughed, and I must admit, ankle socks on somebody short with quite thick, muscular legs may not have been the most flattering look), I started to cry, ashamed.

My new clothes started to get a little tight, and I was ashamed of my body (although recognising it's still a lot smaller than it was).

Having to update my tickers and weight loss stats on MFP and Minimins... again, ashamed.

And weighing in today to find I'd gained 5lbs of weight (which is probably accurate, given how much I ate in calories)... unbelievably ashamed. That was basically 4 weeks work (most of April and one week of March) down the drain. I just hope I can offset some of the damage, and that by some miracle, maybe some of it is water weight. Until I shed that 5lbs again, I'll probably avoid eating all my exercise calories.

I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is ashamed of me, and now will keep the memory of me gorging mindlessly until I see him next. I want to make people proud and *I* want to be proud. I will remember how I feel - both physically (that was the thing - I felt mostly ILL after eating) and emotionally - after a week of doing whatever the hell I like. I know I probably shouldn't be so upset about gaining 5lbs after losing over 60 (nearly 70 if i discount this last gain) but for some reason whenever I get to around 10st, something *happens* and I never really recover from it. It's becoming an upsetting barrier.

I just needed to rant here. Back on track today. Thanks for reading xx

 

[Emmaline]

Hi Fattack, What a shame that you feel so downhearted after a lovely time with your OH! At least you recognise that you need to get a grip on your tendency to continually go overboard with your eating and if I may offer some suggestions that I have found very helpful? -

By all means have that extra treat, especially at those times when you want to celebrate but adjust the rest of the day to balance it out to some degree.
Stop beating yourself up when you do go into a binge as that just makes for such a lot of angst that you will then store fluids and stop your body from dealing with things properly.
Also, a happier outlook will help you to put it behind you so that you will find it so much easier to get back on track again.

Hope you will soon lose that extra bit and wish you all the very best .....

 

[Fattack]

What frustrates me is that I don't normally binge at all. I do sometimes have treats, but I rarely go off the rails, and this is what angers me the most - I don't know WHY I did it. I think I just wanted to eat the things I'd been depriving myself of, and I found that I didn't enjoy them at all anyway!

 

[lesley50]

I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is ashamed of me


Do you think he would be? , because if so hes not the man for you .

 

[coley144]

Some of that gain will be salt. It'll drop quickly. Just get back on the wagon and those pounds will go.

 

[lucysmommy]

Some of that gain will be salt. It'll drop quickly. Just get back on the wagon and those pounds will go.

I agree - don't feel ashamed x

 

[Fattack]

I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is ashamed of me


Do you think he would be? , because if so hes not the man for you .

I don't think he is (I want to say *know* but I would probably even have that element of doubt even if I looked like Beyonce because I don't like myself very much), but I feel like I'm somebody to be ashamed of at the moment.

Thanks for all the responses, I can only hope that some of it is sodium weight (but considering how much I did eat, I wouldn't be surprised if 4.9 out of the 5lbs isn't!!!)

 

[*Nadia*]

hi hun, dont feel bad, your photo shows your absolutely gourgous, and have nothing to be ashamed of. You have probably heard of Paul mckenna but i thought i would mention it anyway!

Alot of his success to get people to loose weight is not actually through hypnosis. it is actually getting the person to think differently about how they view themselves. He addresses these feelings of being ashamed and having a bad self image...etc The cds help you to change the way you think using positive language and positive feelings. Im not a huge fan but i must admit there is alot of good to be had from the cds, as he really focuses on developing emotional aspects where a diet alone can only deal with the physical. I would highly recommend them...

 

[Fattack]

Aww thank you - amusingly that photo was taken when I was at my biggest! It's amazing how we can all learn to take great photos from the neck up when we feel we're fat!!

I do have a confidence book by Marissa Peer (who also does an amazing one about diet! she's the psychologist on that show about superskinny or whatever it's caleld) - maybe I should give it a go, I've not actually opened it since I bought it. I just find it really hard to think positively about myself and then when I try, I think "what's the point, everybody knows I'm negative about myself anyway and I can't change their opinions". Which is a very bad attitude to have!!! But then again, people close to me always thought I was lazy and never would exercise and I managed to change that preconception at least by just getting on with it ^^

 

[*Nadia*]

Regardless, your picture is great...
About your close ones, Im sure thats just your perception of what you think they think....the reality is probably very positive even if they don't show it...You should defo read your book...the different thing about P.Mc is its a Cd so by hearing his positive suggestions, it re-aligns your own thinking pathways. Its a sub-conscious thing....so its easy you just listen and eventually without you realizing it you will think differently. I use to listen to it before i went to bed and i swear i use to wake up with thoughts of being beautiful and attractive..lol
I wouldn't really recommend it for weight loss cause in my opinion it didn't do much 4 me but it completely changed the way i felt and thought about myself. Can i send you an audio file via email or something?

 

[Tol116]

Wow! What a strong self-loathing post! Put it into perspective, so what, you've let yourself go for a few days, it's not as if you've done anything illegal or something and you will be able to now put yourself back on track.

If you look at various posts on here within the last few weeks, there are quite a few that have let themselves go a bit, me included, but surely the whole point of managing your weight is to go with the peaks and troughs that life throws at us. There are many who put on a few pounds after a holiday, but the way to tackle it, is to know that you've indulged and then get back on track.

Also don't feel that you wasted the whole of April with your weightloss, instead look at it another way, if you hadn't lost that weight in April, you would actually be 10 lb heavier rather than 5 lb, which in the main is probably water retention.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Fattack]

Regardless, your picture is great...
About your close ones, Im sure thats just your perception of what you think they think....the reality is probably very positive even if they don't show it...You should defo read your book...the different thing about P.Mc is its a Cd so by hearing his positive suggestions, it re-aligns your own thinking pathways. Its a sub-conscious thing....so its easy you just listen and eventually without you realizing it you will think differently. I use to listen to it before i went to bed and i swear i use to wake up with thoughts of being beautiful and attractive..lol
I wouldn't really recommend it for weight loss cause in my opinion it didn't do much 4 me but it completely changed the way i felt and thought about myself. Can i send you an audio file via email or something?

Thank you ^^ Don't worry about sending it me via email - my Marissa Peer is also a cd too - I'm not a massive fan of Paul McK to be honest, but I really like Marissa's diet cd and book so I think I'll give her confidence one a try Thanks again!

 

[Shazzabir]

That's such a shame that you feel this way. I think you are doing great with your diet and exercise. You eat such healthy food all the time, it's not surprising that your body craves the food you shouldn't have. I know you have the commitment and ability to get back on track. You can do this!!!! Your OH must think you are fab to come over here to see you. What he will remember is how good you looked and how great you will look when he sees you next. Thats what you need to focus on. Lots of us go on binges quite regular, whereas you rarely do, so stop been so hard on yourself, in two weeks you will have lost the extra lbs and be losing again. Or if it makes you feel better, do what I do, when I binge I punish myself with exercise. I make myself exercise until I feel I have paid back enough kcals. The extra exercise also de-stresses me and let's me re-focus.
I hope 2moro is a better day for you x

 

[bevsy]

Fattack, Maybe the reason you over indulged was because of seeing your OH. When someone makes you feel good it all go`s out the window, i know i been there, they want you for you fat or thin, sometimes contentment is a big self esteem boost.
You have done so well, so carry on look at this as a holiday gain and thats it.
Never feel ashamed.
:0)

 

[Fattack]

Bevsy - I talked it over with him and he basically said something very similar to you - we were relaxing and we decided that we don't need nice food to enjoy our time together and I realised that I would have been just as happy if I'd eaten salad all week (and definitely would have been happier on weigh in day!!!). Thanks for replying

Shazzabir - Thank you for your lovely, helpful response and advice. You're right, I don't generally go off the rails (mostly because I lose quite slowly as it is!) so when I do I do it with great gusto and then feel really bad!! I'm not eating all my exercise calories this week to offset the damage (I usually eat them all) but I'll also do a bit of extra exercise at the weekend (I do classes Monday to Thursday and I think I'd pass out if I tried to do more exercise after them!) and I've taken your advice of a bit of punishment (I don't view exercise as punishment because I love it but I am punishing myself in a different way - my weekly treat is usually a creme egg and I've told myself no creme eggs until I'm lighter than I was before gain!). But I wouldn't say my body craved the junk food - it was - if anything my poor body was upset with me afterwards - I felt physically poorly after my McMuffin and, if nothing else, that sick feeling will deter me next time!

 

[Shazzabir]

Your sounding much more positive. That's more like you. I look forward to hearing about your losses very soon

 

[Fattack]

I've generally not been myself the last couple of days - think it's a mixture of PMT (I get HORRENDOUS moods with PMT and have PCOS to begin with) and my OH going home It's nice to start feeling relatively sane again!!!

 

[Shazzabir]

That doesn't sound a good combination, no wonder you felt so down. Pleased your feeling better x

 

[Fattack]

Lost 4.2lbs of the 5.3lb gain since I restarted on Tuesday - feeling brilliant It's so hard to give sensible advice (it's water, it's carbs, it's glycogen etc.) when it's yourself, I was convinced I'd eaten 5lbs worth of food, but I often tend to overestimate the calories in things that I don't know the nutritional values for (just to be on the safe side). Also forgot that it was TOTM the day after I weighed, so I was probably retaining water due to that too... Either way, back on track and hoping to have that last 1.1 gone (and more) by next Sunday!

 

[coley144]

Good for you. Back on track. That's exactly the right way to deal with it. x