Attractiveness

[Poobe]

This may seem like an odd question, but one which I am pretty sure many of us have pondered.

Ok, so... I am morbidly obese. I look forward to the day where i enter the obese band on the chart. I have been this huge for a fair number of years, and as such I always found nobody ever looked at me - not only romantically, but going for job interviews, meeting new friends and so on. I always felt I could never make it work due to the stigma of my weight.

I have 50kg to lose, and so far I have lost 15kg and only now am i starting to see a difference in my body. I look forward to the day when I am back to my goal weight!

So my question is - for those who have reached goal, lost masses of weight, or even half way through... have you noticed a difference in how people react and interact with you?

For the ladies, have you noticed if men find you more attractive all of a sudden (regardless of whether you are married/attached or not)? If so, when did you notice the change happening?

And for the men, do you take an all new look at a woman once she has lost weight? For example, if you have known her a long time, and knew her during her fat days, do you look at her differently once she has lost weight?

Odd questions I know, but this is something I have been pondering because i personally do not have a social life due to my weight (self inflicted). I never feel good enough to go out, and I cannot help but wonder if once i get my confidence back and body back, if people will view me differently.

Thoughts?

 

[TracyGWill]

I think the main thing is that you'll most likely view yourself differently, be more confident, and that naturally affects the way other people see you. Xx

 

[Patchninja]

Your new-found self confidence will make you more attractive! Stand up straight and have some faith in yourself. You sound like a lovely person.

 

[Mandlegrot]

The peoole that will see/treat you differently after losing weight are not the right people for you and are shallow and ignorant.

You said it yourself, and I'm guilty of it too, but it's self inflicted to an extent. I feel I don't deserve to be happy, or dress nicely, because of my weight...but you should believe in yourself and the rest will follow. I know when I'm at target I won't suddenly be a bikini wearing man-magnet, there will still be a lot of work to do - and most of it will be mental. After being fat since around 12, I have a lot of mental reprogramming to do, just as we try to break bad eating habits we will also need to break negative thought patterns. They say it takes a long time for your brain to catch up with loosing weight...

Happiness comes from within - and all Of the other sayings I'm sure you know - but it's the truth. Start believing in yourself, and other people will too

 

[Sigrun]

It is all well to say that those people aren't worth it anyway if they cannot see beyond the exterior but the truth is that we are all shallow to some extent or another. My best friend (she also happens to be my sister) is very similar to myself but without the extra padding. We are both very confident and extremely alike. She gets seen a lot, I don't. I sometimes even just get tolerated because I'm with her. I have had guys that have come up to chat to her turn to me and literally ask me why I'm so fat. I also notice that when I am commuting to work, the last two seats to be occupied are always those next to me. I don't blame people either as I know that I myself, prefer to sit next to slim people as it is simply more comfortable. Let's face it, we all dread being sat next to the fat person on the plane. It is just how things are. Last year, I lost about 3 stone (gained 2 back) and it was at that mark that the seats next to me were no longer the last to go so I now use that as a motivator.

The worst part of judgement comes from myself though. I have been single for 10 years now and I am not open to meeting anyone as in my head, I don't want a guy that wants a fat chick. How warped is that!

People who have never been "outcast" in society can never understand that there are a lot of issues that come with such labelling. It isn't just a case of eat less - move more. If it was as simple as that, a solution to obesity would have been found a long time ago.

Anyway, sorry about the rant but in answer to your question, - I absolutely notice a huge difference for every 1/2 stone that gets shed - or gained.

 

[Mandlegrot]

You don't want a guy that wants a fat chick - because the media tells you you don't! I hate those stories that paint out men who like bigger ladies as weird, or fetishists, or 'chubby chasers' or whatever else they can call them. Some people genuinely don't mind, and just want someone nice and caring. Those things you are noticing are great - and they will keep you going - but you need to be less hard on yourself. It sounds as though you have put the walls up and expect people to be horrible. I'm the same so don't worry!! Not only am I big, but I am quite alternative and live a very strange life which makes it hard to make friends and ever feel settled - but because I meet strangers all the time, and 99.9% are thin (I work in music!) I learnt that a lot of people (not all, but a lot) really don't see, or mention, or care, about fat.

I can see in your avatar that you are pretty, and you seem absolutley lovely, so why someone hasn't snapped you up yet I don't know. But remember that all kinds of people find it hard to get men etc. I lost 5 stone a few year back (illness) and was single throughout it. I guess the weight loss wasn't 'genuine' and i wasn't being myself - so no one noticed. You have to be yourself, don't let your body do the talking else you'll attract weirdos or users, fat or thin!!

On the 1/2 stone comment, I lost 7lb in my first 2 weeks of slimming world and didn't notice...I was convinced I'd put on !! I think it will take a while for me to notice, my weight is very unevenly distributed (ie I'm 6 stone overweight, and its ALL in my ass and thighs. My chest is still 30" but my hips are about 42") I hope I start to notice soon. I've been tempted to buy some jeans (i hate jeans) but I would be able to see the weight loss in them as they don't stretch, whereas all of my clothes are lycra, leggings, cotton stretch skirts etc.

Good luck to you!! I'm weighing in tonight so I'm hoping for good news I have about 30 kg to lose, lets kick some bum!!

 

[Mandlegrot]

On the harsh comments though, I once had someone give up their seat really sympathetically as if to say 'you're pregnant, please sit down'. I was too mortified to correct him so I sat down and buried my head in a newspaper.

 

[Poobe]

Thank you all for the replies!

Sigrun, thank you for your honesty and putting it out there. I had never thought of the train seat situation as I drive everywhere, but looking back over past experiences on the train, I have to agree with you. People do naturally avoid obese people - even myself if I am brutally honest and I am morbidly obese.

I have been on both ends of the scale. I used to be very slim and attractive, I used to have guys eye men out from far away. It was only when i got to the size I am now (or was at my max weight) did i realise that i had pretty much become a social reject. Not only of my own doing, but because I was judged. Even if people like you, they do still judge the over weight people in the world. I dont care what anyone says, it happens and that is fact. I am tired of it, as i want to be attractive. I am done with this covering up lark.

 

[Sigrun]

Mandlegrot, you are absolutely 100% spot on, the media does portray men who like larger ladies like freaks. It also portraits that the only way a fat guy can get a girl is if he has money - which is no less inaccurate. For all the positive that the media brings, it has a lot to answer for. I am absolutely with you and Poobe, we can so do this! I've spent the last 20 years saying no to a lot of things for the sole reason that I'm fat. I've had enough of that and intend on spending the next 20 years saying yes because I WAS fat! It will require some social changes which will be extremely hard because other people will fight against me but it has to be done. Onwards and Upwards we go!!

 

[Mandlegrot]

Woohoo! Thats the attitude. I now realize what you mean about 'sitting next to big people' - I too do it. I thought about it, and remembered occasions when i have. It is generally a size thing - I will be touching his/her side if I sit there, so its best to sit next to someone with a bit of room I avoid a lot of social scenarios, like shopping, public exercise, eating out etc as I feel like people will notice me - but then I learnt that if I stop noticing them, then I win You see where I'm coming from - people will be a**holes but don't worry about them - karma will deal with them - just hold your head high, work towards your goals and don't let anybody tell you who to be or where to go.

Ive had people say horrible things to me, a lot of it wasn't malicious at all but it hurts none the less (the comments at work - 'cor you've put some away haven't you!' ;are you sure you're not pregnant?')etc etc. Its horrifically embarrassing to tell the truth but I've spent my life learning to disguise my reaction under a big jolly laugh and wink like a proper cockney should. But deep down its horrible!

Don't forget as well about the 'social stigma' of dating a larger person - society and media tells us not to but deep down, a LOT of men prefer women with curves (all shapes and sizes too ) but feel unable to approach larger women for fear of 'what their freinds will say etc' which I think is horrible - but I can relate to that social pressure to fit in in other aspects of my life...

 

[Poobe]

I was once at work, about two years ago, and the one guy popped into the office for something along with his 6 year old boy. He left the boy with me for ten mins whilst he went off to sort something else, and the boy said to me "why are you so fat?". I will never forget that. And wow... it hurt probably worse than anything in my life regarding what people have said to me.

Another one was when my dad said to me "you can't ride a horse, it will collapse". Besides the fact I was not actually riding, I was merely talking about horses.

There is a stigma to all this, a massive one. And really, hiding behind the "but it is ok to be big" is just merely an excuse to not do anything about it. That is where my mind currently is anyhow.

 

[Spoo82]

I know that feeling! I was asked by a six year old boy whilst on a beach in my swimming costume whether I was pregnant or not........ infront of dad who followed with well are you ? OUCH nearky died! Keep motivated looking at the end goal!

 

[Sigrun]

The worst thing I had happen was when I was 21.4 stone, the heaviest I had ever been. I had been made redundant and was walking to my local job centre to sign on and was walking over a zebra crossing when this man leans out of his car and shouts at me saying "Who ate all the pies"! I was utterly mortified but I was also quite pissed off with the moron as he was a grown up and didn't have the excuse of youth.

 

[GretaGrip]

I so get what you're saying. I used to get subtle comments etc all the time. At my heaviest I was over 15 stone and size 20. I'm now 9 stone 2 and size 8.

Do I notice a difference? Possibly. I genuinely believe that confidence comes from within though... I have never struggled to 'get a boyfriend' regardless of my weight.

 

[GretaGrip]

Oh and poobe - I can honestly say that I would NOT view you differently at any weight. The vast majority of people are not 'fattist' and those that make comments or pass judgements really need to learn some manners.

Yes, I notice if someone is overweight but no more than I notice if someone has red hair or blue eyes. I certainly don't act any differently towards them. Why would I? I understand the long hard struggle only too well.

 

[littlemiss]

I lost 5 stone and i'd say after losing about 2 I started getting more attention, its the looks, the look you get off guys when you know they like you. Got alot more of them, and to be honest I got more attention in general from everyone (more random convo's with strangers ect) but maybe thats because I felt happier in myself and it reflected. Good luck with your weight loss, there is no reason why you cant lose weight, keep thinking positive. You are good enough and you can do it.

 

[Itoy & Suerti]

Wow what a great thread - I am also morbidly obese - currently wearing size 24 - 26 clothing. As far as getting men?? I have been with my OH for over 6 years (I am 22), and before him I had the typical teenage relationships of kissing behind classrooms etc. LOL. BUT I am very shy - I hate being in public, it feels like everyone is staring... and I hate going out with my sister, she is pretty and skinny, and she gets so many looks from men, and jelous looks from women. I do think though it has alot to do with confidence... if you feel good about yourself - then it should reflect to others.

I worked in a daycare centre, and a little girl came to me and said her mummy said I was fat because I liked chocolate to much and its gross. there have been many similar incidents, including while walking from work a few years ago, some guys yelled out their car that I need to lose weight.

I do notice overweight people, but i do not judge them - and when I finally rid myself of my blubber - I will continue to not judge them. I think if a man (or woman) judges someone because they are "fat" then they are shallow - and frankly, I would not want them in my life.

 

[wannabefitatthirty]

My brother is, what most women consider to b good looking, he is very tanned & muscly n could quite honestly 'pull' any woman he wanted too, he has been out with very slim girls before, and when I was a teenager he would always tease me about my weight....

His partner of 10yrs is big, I'd say a size 18, n he genuinely doesn't mind cos he loves her. N when he met her she was big too.

It depends on ur personality, u will meet people who will judge u by appearances n u will get some that will look past it....

I've gone from a size 24 to a 14 and tbh if I see fat people eating cakes & pasties in the street, I do judge them, I think they're not doing themselves any favours. I would never ever b rude enough to pass comment tho- that's just rude

If I see fat people exercising or in swimsuits etc I think good on them- even if they look big, I think at least they're trying, they're making an effort.

One of my closest friends is a size 18- she wears gorgeous, retro skirts & dresses, has perfectly styled gorgeous hair & has immaculate make up.... She is big, wears glasses but boy does she make an effort with her appearance & she looks gorgeous! Trust me she has no problem attracting men! And flattering comments.... She is confident and her clothes r 'out there' and regardless of her weight she gives out positive and receives positive!

I wouldn't care if people passed comment on me- my man tells me I'm beautiful, I feel good (got along way to go before I'll b completely happy with myself) but I'm getting there n I'm feeling ok

 

[Mandlegrot]

I'm so jealous of those larger ladies who know how to rock it, I don't suit those sort of clothes so end up looking like a fat tomboy, but ho hom! Fair play to your mate, I too have a few mates like her and they don't give a F when they are out...which means no one bats an eyelid! Except for the slim girls that are jealous of this womans confidence!

 

[PamelaViktoria]

Weight definitely affects if men look at you. I used to get looks a lot. Then I got chronic fatigue. I gained 32 lbs, but I also looked so much older. I didn't get looks at all. I think maybe people just though I was a middle-aged tired looking woman. I massively detoxed, and the weight dropped off. But the most interesting part is now everyone looks at me. They are not looking at me because I am slim. My skin bounces light like a child. My whites of my eyes are super white. People look at me because they like what super healthy looks like. I think it would be fascinating for you to increase your nutrition and allow your body to clean out. You may have people oogling you because your eyes, hair and skin is so lovely. Weight loss is just a side benefit