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Back on track

S: 20st0lb C: 16st7lb G: 12st12lb BMI: 36.2 Loss: 3st7lb(17.5%)
Hi all

So I had my CDC visit today. I've put up a pound from the binge but I'm not bothered about that; I'm more focused on just working the plan and I'm going to let the numbers take care of themselves.

As a lot of you already know, but for those who don't, I am working CD as an addiction recovery process. Addiction behaviours also show up in my relationships, my behaviours around money and my sex life in various degrees (watch this space, it could be more!! I'm only half way through the PROMIS cross addiction questionaire; have 8 more areas to go!)

As with any substance abuse it took more and more food (drug) to try and get that "high" that I was chasing. My CDC has a background in addictions therapy so is being really helpful although is careful to make sure she retains a "support" role and leaves my therapist as my primary therapist (originally started seeing him for depression and oooh.. what a can Pandora's box we opened! Who knew I was an addict?? :rolleyes:)

Anyway the topic today was my recent spectacular leap off the wagon and we tried to trace back where the "pre-occupation" began i.e. where my addict self began to take over from my sober-self. Addiction theory believes that if you can prevent pre-occupation your sober self stays in control ... once pre-occupation has become established nothing on earth is going to change the outcome...that drug is going to be used.

So I talked back the timeline of the last week to 10 days and identified the increasing stress I was feeling e.g. job issues, extended family issues (I want to move my Mum's ashes and her siblings are going to go mental if I do), relationship issue etc. We worked out how as I was working to avoid food I had slipped unknowingly into my sex addictive behaviours (although I dressed it up as something else). But deep down my sober self was trying to fight back so I became more uncomfortable with this cross addictive behaviour which caused more stress. I then had an ex pop his head up and start trying to use me as a shoulder to cry on and giving me all the "where would we be if X, Y, Z hadn't happened.... would we be married with kids... I still love you.... need to talk to you about my future...." etc..

So over the weekend I dealt one by one with all those issues and felt great doing it! As part of the weekend I took my sister to a hotel spa on Saturday and treated us both to a spa package. After that we went to lunch in a lovely local cafe (well she ate and I had coffee). She said when we were there that she'd completely forgotten about my CD and felt terrible for eating in front of me so I reassured her I was fine and it was OK and I was grand with my coffee and fizzy water. We then went back to her house (I was driving) and I stayed through dinner and X-Factor (with my shakes) and then I drove home.... and on Sunday the binging began! 5 takeaways, 4 choc desserts and 4 pints of ice-cream (including one for breakfast at 7.30 on Tuesday morning!) later I "came to" and sober self re-emerged.

So my CDC was giving me loads of positive feedback on dealing with the emotional stuff bit by bit, working through it and recognising the dysfunctional behaviours and correcting them. She then asked me what my reward was to myself for doing all this and I said "the spa"... but she pointed out that this had already been booked and asked me had I acknowledged to myself and commended myself for my positive coping strategies emerging. Of course I hadn't .. thought had never even occured to me! All I saw was the bad stuff and all I felt was the disgust about what I had nearly done. We paused for a moment to allow me to absorb that and then we moved on to lunch with my sister. She asked "so your conscious self was happy to sit there and have no food to finish off your bonding experience with your sister... .but what was your subconscious addict saying"... and there was the other starting point. I (we) work hard at CD! It has an impact on us every day particularly in social circumstances. For those of us with emotional issues with food it's bloody hard work to deal with those on a day to day basis ..... and my sister (not intentionally and this is not about "blame") said to me "I forgot you weren't eating" as she tucked into a panini! So essentially my addict self said "bollocks to that for a game of soldiers!! If no one is going to acknowledge all this positive hard work being done then neither am I.... food where are you???".

So the pre-occupation had been building for a few days and then coming home to a cold dark house on Saturday night was the final straw. Subconsciously the decision to call for takeaway on Sunday afternoon was made long long before I pulled the curtains in the sitting room, settled on the sofa and reached for the phone. That part was inevitable and those actions (sofa, curtains etc) are just part of my "ritual" and re-enfore the addict self's power.

(BTW I'm just writing this as it pops into my head so apologies if it doesn't read well; my fingers are just going on the keyboard).

So one of my exercises is a thing called "Problem solving and non-addictive ways of managing stress" which works to train my mind to learn how to identify the problem, clarify the problem, come up with a few alternative solutions and then examine the alternatives on offer with a focus on "what are the consequences". This will help me develop good judgement as it is possible to predict the consequences of most actions before hand (if you take a moment to pause and work through the process).

The other exercise is a "relapse calender"; I have to use the prompts on the sheet she gave me to track back the timeline to accurately reconstruct the sequence of the relapse. Once I know the "truth" of my relapse history it will be easier to deal with and avoid in the future (fingers crossed).

So that's where I am at the moment..... back to working the programme and trying to strengthen my "sober self".

If anyone would like these exercises I'd be happy to scan in the documents she gave me and send them to you.
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S: 19st4lb C: 13st4lb G: 10st4lb BMI: 30.9 Loss: 6st0lb(31.11%)
Your only human babe... I can identify with your words...... we have all been there, ice cream is totally my downfall :(
Powerful stuff Gg. That you can so clearly analysis your emotions and actions is amazing. That you have the occasional hiccup is understandable, and that you dust yourself off and come back with a plan of action is a triumph. Well done you and thank you for sharing, xxx.
S: 20st0lb C: 16st7lb G: 12st12lb BMI: 36.2 Loss: 3st7lb(17.5%)
Powerful stuff Gg. That you can so clearly analysis your emotions and actions is amazing. .

Thanks hon. This time last year I was clueless about the why and just knew I felt miserable and didn't want to live with that feeling anymore. I'd had some pretty clueless counsellors but struck gold with my psychotherapist. We've spent 8 months now digging and digging into my beliefs etc and I'm really finding in the last month or so that I'm really beginning recognise the dysfunctions :D


On a mission
S: 17st3lb C: 12st10lb G: 11st0lb BMI: 27.9 Loss: 4st7lb(26.14%)
As lass says above. I only just saw your post about what happened. I am so glad you didn't run away from CD and owned up to your CDC and therapist. Back on the waggon, good luck xxx


Gurgly tummy!
S: 15st5.8lb C: 14st6.2lb G: 10st3lb BMI: 32.1 Loss: 0st13.6lb(6.3%)
You're a very insightful woman. Well done on really thinking it through and not diving headlong into a self-destructive spiral of eating/bingeing/self-loathing.



Silver Member
S: 19st9lb C: 17st8lb G: 9st10lb Loss: 2st1lb(10.55%)
Gg you are totally amazing - to have that depth of insight into yourself and be able to slip and recover - good for you. You should write a book or journal with all this stuff -it is so powerful


Gold Member
S: 13st8lb C: 13st1lb G: 11st0lb BMI: 32.4 Loss: 0st7lb(3.68%)
Wow - i feel drained just reading it. Good for you to confront your emotions and action, and i wish you all the best.

Sending you big hugs!!
S: 20st0lb C: 16st7lb G: 12st12lb BMI: 36.2 Loss: 3st7lb(17.5%)
Thanks guys! The self awareness is hard work but is really helping me work out why I do (and have done) the things I do especially the self-defeating things... and how loads of what I thought were really separate things are actually all connected.

I'm just back from a session (feel shattered) and was describing to my therapist how I was sitting in bed at 5am on Tuesday morning with gallstone colic from the binge all woozy from codeine and eating a pint of icecream! We both ended up laughing at the crazinesss of it!!

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