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Badly in need of some inspiration .... or something


Otherwise known as Jools
This feels so much like a confession but I am not sure where else to go. I need to let it all out somewhere and maybe any help and advice will help.

In 2009 I lost about 5st on Lipotrim. Looking back it seemed relatively easy - the losses were great, I felt great and looked the best I ever had for a long time. Yeah there were a few dissenters and those who did not agree it was the best thing for me to do but it was working.

Then the bombshells hit....... 2010 - Troubles at work in that we were going throught a consultation process which meant we had to be interviewed for our own jobs - this took about 8 months of stress and worry which meant I was on Diazepam to try and calm the anxiety and stress, however happy result at the end of 2010 I got my job !!. At the same time of all of this job worries, my dear old Dad was diagnosed with cancer which was a very sad outcome as just after learning I had my job he passed away at the beginning of 2011, the tragedy made worse by the fact that his brother passed 3 months later.

During all this time through both these worries I was comfort eating and still am a year down the line and I just cannot seem to be able to stop - I eat anything and everything - as I type I have just scoffed a very large family size bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk and am resisting the urge to open up the Christmas presents of chocolates that are already wrapped up.... I feel quite ashamed about it - as such I have piled on all that I lost and probably some more - I am too scared to weigh myself. I know that I look awful, I feel awful and I can barely walk without sounding like a puffer train - but even so that is still not enough to make me "do something about it".

My year of tragedy and stress is not quite over... only a few weeks ago the younger brother of my best friend died from cancer - poor sod was only 39 and I had known him since he was about 5. Currently I am just waiting for the next tragedy - what more can happen in the last couple of months of this year.

All of this has raised all sorts of feelings in me - mostly why bother !! there is the vicious circle of life is too short to worry about diet/exercise etc enjoy your food yet at the same time you need to get healthy to enjoy life !

I know what I should do - I need to eat less move more, I need to get out that box of Exante that is slowly getting out of date and use them, I need to stop eating massive bars of CDM, I need to be thinking about my health, but with all that has gone on these past couple of years - it seems too hard, too pointless, too much bother.

Why is it so hard this time ? Why can I not get motivated despite all the above, why do I feel so useless and insignificant. There are so many feeling tied up in this such as : guilt over not saying stuff to my Dad, guilt for him not seeing me happy in a relationship and making him a grandad, guilt that I feel as though I let him down, feelings that I wil not be missed by anyone if I do carry on eating myself to death as essentially that is what I am doing..... its just such a mess and the best place for me right now is my bed - curl up and stay there !

Apologies for such a long one but sometimes when you start you cannot stop. I know there will be a few strong replies to this post -perhaps thats what I need !! something to get me back on track and show me that it is worth doing after all. Thanks.
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Firstly, sending you a big virtual hug. Sorry to hear so much horrid stuff has happened recently.

Dieting is hard at the best of times, but with what you have been through in the last year or so, I think you just need to be kind to yourself and get yourself through this what ever way you need too. I am sure you dad was proud of you no matter what, and one day you will be in the relationship you want to be.
My dad passed away when I was 12 and I still miss him ever day, but knowing I am living my life, he would be proud and happy.
This does take time and you will get there, just take your time and one day at a time.
In my opinion I would forget such an extreme diet and just eat healthy and if chocolate gives you comfort at the moment, carry on. You can always wean your self of it later.

Hope this helps...and may be go for some fresh air with a small walk, which may lift you mood.
I hope this helps, and you work out what is right for you.
I would just like to say sorry for your difficulties, i can relate to the feelings you are having as they are very familiar to me. I've had a bad few years also, my mum and various relatives having cancer/passing away, witnessing a close friend being killed and most recently my nana suffering a long battle with dementia and passing away, I have watched myself eat my way into a depression for far too long over events which have taken place in my life until I finally hit braking point. I asked myself what would make me happy, what I miss doing and what I want from life, sounds very cliche but I had a long hard think about it, turns out I want to enjoy my life, go out with my friends, have a career etc. I then thought about what was holding me back and each time I came to the same conclusion, my weight. After trying many diets in the past i fought my embarrassment and went to the doctor expressing my unhappiness about my weight and he booked me an appointment with the nurse who got me referred to slimming world. You may not feel it is your time to do this but I can honestly say it is the best thing I've ever done, admitting i had an issue and walking through the door was the hardest part, but I can honestly say I've never made a better choice! For the first time in a long time I'm focused on my ambitions and I feel in control of my eating habits, I can enjoy the odd treat here and there but ultimately I'm losing weight! The group support is absolutely immense, and there is a healthy version of almost every recipe out there. I'm not saying slimming world is for you, but dig deep and find what you want and go for it! You won't regret it! I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you take strength and courage from your hardships in making you determined to succeed in life, much love x x

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