Hia Sez,
It's weird, isn't it? The way we seem to want something so much (to get slim/be slim/stay at goal) but at the same time seem to want to binge even more. Bingeing wins once, and cements itself in place so that next time we are tempted to 'eat for the wrong reasons', it is even harder to say 'no' to ourselves.
The thing is, you (and I) KNOW it is in our power to stop. We KNOW the strategies to use to combat these feelings. We KNOW why we have these feelings. So, why don't we put our knowledge into practice when the going gets tough?
I've been going through a similar crisis recently and spent some time analysing what was going on. I had noticed that I had begun to slip back into the old habits and at the time didn't give a damn ... afterwards I would bitterly regret and vow that 'it would not happen again'. But I let it happen again. My mindset was 'tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow' I will start afresh tomorrow. Thing is Sez, tomorrow never actually arrives, unless we take control back from our greedy, grasping, spoiled-rotten child who we think has 'gone away' but has actually been lurking and waiting, biding her time.
Here she is! Large as life! Stronger than ever, and impossible to resist. Or is she???
Actually, no. Over the past couple of weeks I have been fighting back.
Looking back over old notes.
Sitting and spending a short time visualising what I really want.
Accepting that I CAN maintain my 100+ lb weightloss, wear lovely fitted clothes, and feel as light as a feather.
Accepting that I can CHOOSE to live in adult mode and can send the child within me to bed (without supper).
Last week I came to accept a few home truths and I was not happy. Why? Because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too (literally). I had my own personal pity-party (not for long though - no wine), before finally accepting my own personal truth.
As a result of all this 'chewing the cud' stuff, I am in a much better place, stronger and with a positive vision of the next few months...until the next crisis creeps up.
Not meaning to sound negative, it is just that I realise that this is going to happen occasionally and it is part of the long-term learning experience which I am going to have to learn well if I am to continue to stay at goal. Which I am.
I identify with what you say about feeling ashamed to speak to your LLC. My natural reaction is to present a positive, strong, confident, perfect persona to everyone. It's bloody hard to keep up though, and means that I can cause myself unnecessary anxiety and stress during difficult times.
I hope my comments help you to find hope again Sez, you've done so well and you and I both know that you CAN overcome the demons which are trying to prevent you getting to your goal.
Take care now...