binge binge binge

[Sez]

Thats all I am doing right now. For some reason I cant seem to stop. I hate the way it makes me feel physically & mentally. I also love being 7 stone lighter than I was at the start of this road.

WTF is wrong with me? I am crying myself to sleep at night. I know I dont NEED to be like this but it is almost as if my old behaviour has been bubbling beneath the surface and is now trying (& winning) to get out.

Help please? I havent spoken to my LLC on this one as I am too ashamed & I dont know how much more the poor woman can do for me anyway! It s almost as if I have sub-consciously decided my journey has been too long now and I want it to end....but I dont, honestly .

 

[westiegirl]

Hi Sez

I can totally relate to you. I did LL for 6 months and lost 6 stone. Then all of a sudden I started to binge and binge and binge. I couldn't explain it at all.

I really can't offer you a solution but just wanted to offer you hugs. I would really speak to your LLC though - that's what she's trained for (and why you pay all that money!).

Good luck xxx

 

[Tiger Girl]

Sez
:grouphugg:
The evil binge demons are the worst thing EVER. I can't sympathise or empathise enough. It's horrible.
Are you on a roll? Any patterns on timing and/or what you're eating?
If I had the answer, well, we all know that feeling.
I've just realised you've topped the 100lb mark on the loss front. I don't need to tell you how amazing you've done, I can't stand a cheerleader when I'm feeling like this, so I wont even go there.
You've not mentioned much about what's going on so I can only fill in the gaps and share a bit from my own recent experiences.
They do say that the bingeing is all feelings related. Sounds simple enough but I've found it very difficult to dig beneath the surface on this one, ie beyond stressed, anxious, guilty, shame etc...really trying to get under the big headings and work out just what I'm aiming to eat through. It's a long haul.
A very simplistic thought has helped whilst I'm working through this, and that is "If you go there, will the problems/feelings you're feeling right now go away? Ans: no. In fact they'll feel much worse as you'll also have to cope with the binge aftermath feelings too"
It's helping.
Day 198 for me today. It really is tremendously difficult right now.
Sending lots of whatever you need x

 

[AmandaJayne]

Hia Sez,

It's weird, isn't it? The way we seem to want something so much (to get slim/be slim/stay at goal) but at the same time seem to want to binge even more. Bingeing wins once, and cements itself in place so that next time we are tempted to 'eat for the wrong reasons', it is even harder to say 'no' to ourselves.

The thing is, you (and I) KNOW it is in our power to stop. We KNOW the strategies to use to combat these feelings. We KNOW why we have these feelings. So, why don't we put our knowledge into practice when the going gets tough?

I've been going through a similar crisis recently and spent some time analysing what was going on. I had noticed that I had begun to slip back into the old habits and at the time didn't give a damn ... afterwards I would bitterly regret and vow that 'it would not happen again'. But I let it happen again. My mindset was 'tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow' I will start afresh tomorrow. Thing is Sez, tomorrow never actually arrives, unless we take control back from our greedy, grasping, spoiled-rotten child who we think has 'gone away' but has actually been lurking and waiting, biding her time.

Here she is! Large as life! Stronger than ever, and impossible to resist. Or is she???

Actually, no. Over the past couple of weeks I have been fighting back.

Looking back over old notes.
Sitting and spending a short time visualising what I really want.
Accepting that I CAN maintain my 100+ lb weightloss, wear lovely fitted clothes, and feel as light as a feather.
Accepting that I can CHOOSE to live in adult mode and can send the child within me to bed (without supper).

Last week I came to accept a few home truths and I was not happy. Why? Because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too (literally). I had my own personal pity-party (not for long though - no wine), before finally accepting my own personal truth.

As a result of all this 'chewing the cud' stuff, I am in a much better place, stronger and with a positive vision of the next few months...until the next crisis creeps up.

Not meaning to sound negative, it is just that I realise that this is going to happen occasionally and it is part of the long-term learning experience which I am going to have to learn well if I am to continue to stay at goal. Which I am.

I identify with what you say about feeling ashamed to speak to your LLC. My natural reaction is to present a positive, strong, confident, perfect persona to everyone. It's bloody hard to keep up though, and means that I can cause myself unnecessary anxiety and stress during difficult times.

I hope my comments help you to find hope again Sez, you've done so well and you and I both know that you CAN overcome the demons which are trying to prevent you getting to your goal.

Take care now...

 

[westiegirl]

Hia Sez,

It's weird, isn't it? The way we seem to want something so much (to get slim/be slim/stay at goal) but at the same time seem to want to binge even more. Bingeing wins once, and cements itself in place so that next time we are tempted to 'eat for the wrong reasons', it is even harder to say 'no' to ourselves.

The thing is, you (and I) KNOW it is in our power to stop. We KNOW the strategies to use to combat these feelings. We KNOW why we have these feelings. So, why don't we put our knowledge into practice when the going gets tough?

I've been going through a similar crisis recently and spent some time analysing what was going on. I had noticed that I had begun to slip back into the old habits and at the time didn't give a damn ... afterwards I would bitterly regret and vow that 'it would not happen again'. But I let it happen again. My mindset was 'tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow' I will start afresh tomorrow. Thing is Sez, tomorrow never actually arrives, unless we take control back from our greedy, grasping, spoiled-rotten child who we think has 'gone away' but has actually been lurking and waiting, biding her time.

Here she is! Large as life! Stronger than ever, and impossible to resist. Or is she???

Actually, no. Over the past couple of weeks I have been fighting back.

Looking back over old notes.
Sitting and spending a short time visualising what I really want.
Accepting that I CAN maintain my 100+ lb weightloss, wear lovely fitted clothes, and feel as light as a feather.
Accepting that I can CHOOSE to live in adult mode and can send the child within me to bed (without supper).

Last week I came to accept a few home truths and I was not happy. Why? Because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too (literally). I had my own personal pity-party (not for long though - no wine), before finally accepting my own personal truth.

As a result of all this 'chewing the cud' stuff, I am in a much better place, stronger and with a positive vision of the next few months...until the next crisis creeps up.

Not meaning to sound negative, it is just that I realise that this is going to happen occasionally and it is part of the long-term learning experience which I am going to have to learn well if I am to continue to stay at goal. Which I am.

I identify with what you say about feeling ashamed to speak to your LLC. My natural reaction is to present a positive, strong, confident, perfect persona to everyone. It's bloody hard to keep up though, and means that I can cause myself unnecessary anxiety and stress during difficult times.

I hope my comments help you to find hope again Sez, you've done so well and you and I both know that you CAN overcome the demons which are trying to prevent you getting to your goal.

Take care now...

AJ

Your replies are always so insightful! I hope you don't mind if I print a copy of this reply of yours and read it again over the next while. I'm still plugging on but swing from good to bad like a pendulum. Missed seeing you this summer but if you're heading this way at half term, give me a shout.

 

[Alan_99]

You have done so amzingly well Sez, when I went through this on managment I arranged for my money to be kept by familly and friends and emptied my flat of anything that was a temptation and after a couple of weeks I had past the binging stage. I don't know if this an option for you but it's something that although drastic does have the required effect. The other thing you may find helpful is to go through some amazingly strong and helpful posts by a member called Sez she has lost over 100 lb on LL and always offers good advice and support to us all on here.

Good luck

Alan

 

[AmandaJayne]

"The other thing you may find helpful is to go through some amazingly strong and helpful posts by a member called Sez she has lost over 100 lb on LL and always offers good advice and support to us all on here"

Great advice, Alan!

"Missed seeing you this summer but if you're heading this way at half term, give me a shout"

I will. However, if all goes well I should be sunning myself on some hot beach somewhere! Llandudno beach does sound an appealing alternative though ?!?!?

 

[Sez]

Just logged on quickly before I go to school (first day back today) You are all amazing, and so helpful. This eve I will reply to each of you, as you have taken the time & trouble to bother about me. Meanwhile, I will spend today thinking about all the enormous advice you have given me, and hopefully that light at the tunnels' end will be a bit brighter by the time I come home!

Thanks again!

x

 

[AmandaJayne]

"Just logged on quickly before I go to school (first day back today"

Hope you had a good first day, Sez!

I went back a couple of weeks ago. I'd been in the door five minutes and it was like I'd never been away. Summer holidays a distant memory. Christmas is lurking on the horizon now ...

 

[Helen]

Hi Sez

I know exactly how you feel, almost my whole summer holiday has involved eating and I am very angry with myself.

I don't know whether this will help but anything is worth a try! I have tried to think about WHY I managed the first 12 weeks without slipping and what is different now. I have gone back to the green book - yet again! I don't know if you read my post on "highs and lows of development" but I have gone back to basics -

I have told poor daughter that for the time being there will be no icecream, sweets, cereal bars, cheese or crisps in the house. She can have these if out or if she is going to eat them straight away but not if they are going to be hanging around. She is not to offer me anything, she is allowed to tell whoever she likes if she sees me eating anything and she isn't to kiss me when she has just eaten something yummy! (how mean am I?). She is pretty used to these rules actually, it is only in the last couple of months they have relaxed as I felt "safe".

Someone on another thread mentioned they were doing a starchart so I have made one of these up for myself too - 7 stars=reward. I like scrapbooking so have placed a couple of orders for supplies online, wont open them when they arrive but will wrap them up and will get chris or estra to number them 1 to 4 so that I can have one every week for the next month but will still have an element of surprise. I also love "covet" the new perfume by Sarah Jessica Parker so may add that in for a 4 week reward as well (lucky I am going back to work next week at this rate!).

Have a look at scrapbooking by the way - its an excellent way to keep occupied in the evening and is difficult to eat at the same time! I find it very theraputic.

My only waiving from the original rules is that for the first week I am allowing myself one milky coffee a day made with the new "the one" milk which allegedly tastes like semi but with only 1% fat. I am hoping this won't affect ketosis and will start to drop it down next week.

I have also slightly re-assessed my target - I didn't know whether to set it at 8.13 on my scales or LL ones. I have decided to go for 8.13 on my scales which is 9.3 on LL scales and is exactly 1/2 my body weight lost so seems like a nice round figure! that 4lb off my ticker seems to make a big difference mentally!

Anyway I managed to get through yesterday with no problem and I am hoping in a week or so the LL habit will be back. I want to finish my journey having lost the taste for high fat junk food and over the summer I have started liking it again so am trying to spend next 12 weeks in abstinence so I will be half way towards training my tastebuds to like veg etc.

I hope some of this helps. As far as how well you have done so far I can't say better than Alan!

 

[Helen]

And after that long post I still forgot to mention a couple of things:

Sez I also understand why you don't want to talk to your counsellor - I have been over the same stuff again and again with her until I think we are both bored witless! However due to my daughters big mouth we ended up with another analysis of why I had drank a latte and I did realise I was coming from "nurturing parent" - 'ooh poor thing you have been on the diet so long with 3 months left, such an unnatural way to live..blah..blah... have a (insert food item) to cheer yourself up you have done so well and one won't hurt'. She said I need positive strokes (clearly isn't married to my DH who would rather swallow his own tongue than give a compliment!) though I am not really sure how to achieve this! Anyway don't know if that might help too?

Amanda-Jayne, lovely to see you again - I was wondering where you had gone!

Normal routine is now being resumed with summer holidays out of the way and I think that might help quite a few of us who have struggled over the summer. However I have to say its the best summer hols we have ever had and no small part of that is due to being so much lighter - even camping was better with almost 7 stone less to drag about with me! Things like that can bring home the difference losing the weight has made to our lives. Unfortunately our new bodies quickly become the norm in so many ways and it is easy to lose sight of how much more comfortable our lives are without the bulk and consequently it is easier to forget some of the reasons we were motivated to start the diet in the first place!

Promise I will shut up now!

 

[Heaven can wait]

I think you have struck a note (again) with this thread SEZ , you always mamage to put so succintly into words what others are going through too, and I for one am very gratefull for honest people like yourself on the forum.
You have had loads of good positive advice on here from people who are wearing the medals , but also the scars of thier own battles with weight. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has posted becuase I felt like you were all speaking to me as I have so many of the same problems at the moment, and it has helped me a great deal.
We have been at this game for so long now, and I think we think we should have cracked it by now , but its always going to be hard, I for one know that my own food demons ( secret eating and bingeing ) will always be lurking (this might sound crazy but I have started to visualise them looking like a cross betweent the dementors off Harry Potter and the black creatures that came for the badie after he died on GHOST! LOL ), and I will try to identify when I am carry out these behaviours so I can be ready next time, cos I now accept that there wil always be a next time.
Hope things start to get better Sez.

HCW

 

[AmandaJayne]

"However I have to say its the best summer hols we have ever had and no small part of that is due to being so much lighter - even camping was better with almost 7 stone less to drag about with me! "

I couldn't agree more, Helen. Had a fabulous cruise this year, even had a couple of people comment "you're lucky being so slim, you can eat what you want". It was so funny!

"it is easy to lose sight of how much more comfortable our lives are without the bulk and consequently it is easier to forget some of the reasons we were motivated to start the diet in the first place"

Yes, complacency can be a real problem. However, as you've already mentioned, Helen, we can always re-read our 'green book' to remind us what we did and why.

Heaven Can Wait - I went all shivery when I read your description of 'food demons' looking like Dementors. You're right though. They would suck out all your determination and motivation...

 

[SandraEG]

Sez

Just caught up with your thread as I haven't been on minis the last few days.

I have to admit I'm in the same place. I lost 8lbs last week and I will have put on at least 5 tonight - possibly more considering what I've had today. It feels a bit like a rollercoaster at the moment.

I'm going to try a thought record (although not sure which 'event' to use) but I think I really am feeling fed up and just want to eat again. I'm not finished yet. I need to lose another 5 BMI points before I qualify for fertility treatment. But even the lure of becoming a Mum doesn't seem to be able to stop me from munching.

My current plan is to do another 100 day 'foundation' and then go onto management - regardless of what I weigh or what size I am. This way I can (hopefully) get past the being fed up with being on the diet by telling myself it's only for another XX days. If that doesn't work I don't know what I'll do...

 

[Sez]

Thanks to EVERYONE who replied, to help me

I very much appreciate all your advice. I am not whinging, like normal (LOL) but just sort of calm & almost resigned to my bad behaviour at the moment.

Well, I say am resigned but really it should have read was resigned. I made a private appointment with my LLC tonight, rather than attend my usual group and confess all in front of the class (well, within earshot really!). My LLC was utterly marvelous, and I am now feeling ready to start my new week with renewed vigour. She helped me to focus on why I was feeling so low, re-iterated that it could not possibly have been true hunger, as I was eating junk, to the point of discomfort. She got me to look at my short term goals, rather than continually focusing on my remaining 3 stone. She very rightly picked up that I was indeed focusing on the 3 stone, and that this very act was discouraging me in my efforts to lose the weight. (oh the power of the mind). We discussed lots of things and I am really glad I went to see her. I was so nervous about confessing, but I really needn't have worried. She was very kind, but not in a "there, there" kind of way, she really asked the right questions that got me thinking again, and now my goal is just to remain abstinent for the next week. Thats it. That is as far ahead as I am going to look right now. Each week will come & go, and if when it goes I have been able to lose a little more weight, then that will be great. I wont be trying desparately to charge headlong at my BMI 24, as I have been. That will take of itself, if I just take charge of each week at a time!

BTW, I am not sure how, but I have managed to not gain weight this week, although I fully deserved to . I am aware that the repercussions of my binge week may well show at the scales next week, but I am prepared for that. I have a pop-in on Monday eve, to help me focus during the weekend, and I hope I will have begun the downward spiral by then!!

Thanks again every single one of you. You all have said some very helpful, and also some lovely things to help me back on my feet. YOU are the reasons I look at Minis every single day I am able! (I dont always post, but boy do I lurk!!)

 

[westiegirl]

I am so pleased that you talked to your LLC and she was so much help. Leaving my LLC was horrible for me as she was a great help and inspiration. You can't underestimate the power of a good LLC!

Glad that you have regained your mojo. You are such an inspiration and I wish you luck for the next week.

Keep on trucking, because you know we are all here for you xxx

 

[Helen]

I am so pleased you are still with us. Your counsellor has said some very sensible things, I think I will print it out if you don't mind as I am in a similar boat. I suppose its all obvious stuff really but very hard to see when its so close to oneself. I am with you every step of the way.

 

[Mrs Lard]

Dear Sez

I have only just caught up with this thread so apologies for not responding earlier. I am so glad you saw your LLC; that was a BIG step and a positive one for you.

I don't know if this helps but I have found, really on this week, that when I think about goals (like you with your 3 stone), my internal mindset just starts freaking out and PANIC sets in. The panic takes over so no rational voice (or adult voice) gets a look in. And I do mean huge alarm bells and everything; it's so noisey in my head at those moments.

We discussed this issue at my Management meeting and I finally saw, for myself, what chunking down a goal can really mean - it gives you a bit more control (my big theme for tonight) and doesn't seem so completely impossible (or scary).

I don't know about you but I was overwhelmed by panic before LighterLife - my weight was an issue, I knew it was out of control but I still continued to eat for Britain. Why? I really am beginning to see that I was just utterly terrified of the job of losing ALL THAT WEIGHT. I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I could do it. And because I didn't know HOW I was going to manage, it was easier to continue with my old eating habits. And I wonder if it's the same for you?

Sez - you will crack this nut, once and for all because you don't give up. You're still here!!! And that takes guts, real guts, if you will excuse the pun! Lesser mortals would have jacked it in! You are doing amazingly well, even if you don't think you are. And stop, right now, saying you don't deserve to lose weight!

Big kiss and hugs.

Mrs L xxxxxxx

 

[Sez]

Thanks again for all your responses, they mean a lot to me!

Well, admittedly today is not yet over, but I have gone past the "danger" period of "home from school/prep evening meal". That has been the worst time period for me lately, definately. I did indeed feel the need for a munch when I got home, but I drank some elixir of life (aka water!),then made two apple & blackbery crumbles!! (We were given a bag full of bramleys yesterday, and we have lots of blackberrys growing in the lane at the back of our house.) One is for us, and one is for my Dad! Then I stopped and had a hot banana shake...mmmmm. I really enjoyed it!

Finally, potatos peeled, chops prepped and veg done up in a steamer bag, I passed cooking the dinner onto OH once he got in. All is well, they are eating now and I am genuinely hungry, as no ketosis at the mo, but I have two more packs to come, so all is ok.

Feeling more positive than in ages, so I will focus on the weekend for now, and my pop-in on Monday.

I agree, it certainly is a very hard diet to follow, and expensive too, but if I can finally get there, all this heartache and expense will have been soooooo worth it!! And my LLC is worth her weight in gold, she's GREAT!!!

 

[SandraEG]

Sez
Big Hug!
I've been going through a very out of control week myself and trying to get back on track. It's quite hard work but we will get there!