Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[pandora]

Well done ! See when your body craved sustinance to keep going you , all be it reluctantly , gave in & now it has rewarded you ... such strange things our bodies lol xx

 

[Redpam]

Hi, Jenny

Great news that your Mum had a good night and that her pain is under control.

Gob smacked (in a nice way) at your wonderful weightloss. 11lbs is mega!
Obviously little bit of what you fancied (food I mean)on holiday has certainly done you good.

Hope the weekend goes well.

Pam xxx

 

[IreneH]

Fantastic weight loss this week. Congratulations Jennie.

Irene xx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

thank you I'm shocked but very glad to have lost the 3lbs I gained... AND another 8! Am so flippin' tired though and not got half the stuff done this evening as I intended.. lol oh well... still got an hour and half before self-imposed bedtime!

I am getting increasingly hacked off with not being able to update my ticker!! Grrrr!!!!

 

[Gen]

Well done missus xxx

 

[HopeSprings]

AWESOME!!!!

 

[Sweethearts]

well done x

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Well, I am glad to be back here at mums again. She looks so much better - her pain is well under control and she isn't even needing her top ups in the night now! So - having had 4 very good nights I am hoping it continues now I'm back until Tuesday.. lol

Sis and I had a sort of chat where again I told her I loved her and that hopefully she could tell that what happened months ago with her snotty text (didn't phrase it this way of course) really wasn't my fault as I hadn't spoken to mum AND when I did SHE was the one who told me she was fine etc etc sis STILL insists that I should have been able to tell!! Clearly I AM psychic!!

I proved my point, well, actually, mum AND sis did... sis stood there and mentioned a Dr I had never heard of so I asked her who he was and she snapped at me that he was mums new oncologist... well s'cuse me, but I didn't know!! So she stood in front of mum, bit my head off and said mum had told her last Friday! So I said nope - I hadn't been told and mum admitted she hadn't told me.. so , once sis had stopped yelling at me I just said, see... if I am NOT told then I cannot know!! She really must stop assuming mum tells me the same as she tells her...

I was frustrated that the reeled off a load of info to me and I asked her if she had written it down and she wanted to know why should she when she had just told me! I was honest and said I wouldn't remember - coz I won't!! She got really cross with me and I said not to worry I would write it all down,. so she stomped off into the kitchen and wrote in the diary the folks due on different days... how hard was that??? Thing is... if I made appointments and didn't tell her then she would go ballistic! As we went out to the cars she showed me a very nice new handbag! She said a friend of hers gave it to her today - so I asked how come? She then told me she had gone out for the afternoon to meet her friend..!!! Yet, when I said that it was important to know who was due and when she wanted to know why was it so important when I wasn't going anywhere???

Hmmm... something not quite right with this picture... ho hum... also, washing machine is blocked... has she made any calls or tried to fix it? Nope! I will be trying to do that in the morning as it stinks!! Ever tried calling out someone to look at a washing machine on a Friday morning?? Oh well.. bed also not stripped and washed - sheets just same as all week.. I'm not impressed.

Everytime I try to talk to her (sis) she ends up shouting at me and assuming I know things I don't.. like the name of the nurse who came today... and that someone else called Jennie recommended something to mum so when she said, oh yeah, Jennie said to get that and I said, um, nope.. I didn't, I was once again jumped on verbally and told very rudely that she didn't mean ME... and that I should know that as she was looking at mum when she said it?!?!?!?!

I just cannot win... it turns out it was mum's hairdresser.. so I said, for clarity can we call her Jennie Hair or Jennie friend... to avoid confusion. She huffed and puffed and I just thought... shut up Jennie... every time I open my mouth and ask any questions I get yelled at for not just KNOWING!!!

Mum didnt get her afternoon nap so turned in at 8 and is now fast asleep so.. I have unloaded all the baking stuff from my car and am having an early night in the hope that we both get plenty sleep...

I tried to hug my sis when we went out to the cars but I really think she doesn't want to know and seemed to share a joke with mum at my expense just before she left.,.. paranoia is creeping in now... just hate this...

Brought mum a little pic frame with my girls photos in.. and a framed copy of one of my holiday pics that she liked.. she seemed to like them.

Hard to tell.. oh, and I ordered some things online to be sent here addressed to me and when I got here sis said it was already open!! She said she assumed I was going to bake - so I asked her how she could know that unless she had taken out what was in the envelope and she just said - because it was open - well, yeah, it was open BUT there was no way you could see what it was unless you actually took it out!! Nosey cow!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Families!!

Her son is a little git too!! He put on his status on facebook the other night that he ought to be thinking about his nana and uni but he wasn't he was thinking about that special someone (his manipulative 15yr old idiot girlfriend!... I couldn't believe it! So, sis has deleted him off facebook! lol She does that a lot... she added me again last night - wonder how long that will last.. lol and of course, it means I will have to be ultra careful not to let on if I do happen to enjoy myself next weekend ! I can guarantee you she will call me and text me at some point with some issue or other which means I will need to come down here and then, when I get here, there will be no need.. I am not a gambling woman, but if I were, I would put my money on that being the case next weekend!! Watch this space!!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Well done ! See when your body craved sustinance to keep going you , all be it reluctantly , gave in & now it has rewarded you ... such strange things our bodies lol xx

Yep, you were right, and tonight I had another chicken salad and am sure my body is thanking me! There are times right now when I definitely need more than my 3 cd packs a day.
My body is definitely very strange! LOL xxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Rough night last night - got very cold and restless and very tight-chested as mum's got some lilies and they always affect me really badly - the only flower to give me asthma.. she said to bin them .. lol bless her.. I feel bad about that but can barely breathe despite having taken all the stamens out..

Mum had a pretty good night but odd dreams.. she's sorting out the car for sis's boyfriend so that's good.. at the moment he is working out whether he can afford to run it and insure it... I know what will happen.. mum will add him to her insurance and keep paying.. but that's fair enough I suppose.. although as it won't be her car... ..

No bank statement for August - quelle surprise!!

Credit card statement (from same bank)... but no current account one since end of July .. funny that.. as every single statement from all the previous months are in there for the last 2 years..... am I wrong to be suspicious???????

Am going to fill the house with yummy smells today (after I unblock the washing machine of course!).. and hopefully going to create some yumminess for mum to share with her lovely visitors..

Right - stinky washing machine beckons!!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Well, mums having a nap and I'm psyching myself up to attack the waste pipe on the washing machine.. lol.. cleared out the filter and ran some limescale treatment through the machine but still stinks.. so.. have to pull it out and have a proper look... not looking forward to that very much!

Been baking - made an Apple and Olive Oil cake and some Blueberry and Orange muffins.. mum loves them and I have frozen some and given some to her neighbour as a thank you and to one of her friends who came to call..

Cried with mum this morning.. just hit me like a truck as I talked to her about my sis's 50th and my 50th.. she won't be here for mine...

We talked and it was good.

Am tired but pleased how she is and she seems ok-ish.

Not sure whether I shall be able to fix the machine but don't want her wasting money getting a bloke to come out when I can maybe sort it.. think I'll get an early night tonight - feeling very emotional today. Don't want to break down in front of her again..

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Bad chest last night - those damn flowers! Mum said she could smell the lilies still and to throw them away - I've not told her about how bad my chest is.. so was glad she said to bin them..

Woken this morning with what appears to be a flippin cold! Hope not - not for my sake, a cold's just a cold, but for mum's!

She must've slept ok as I didn't hear her get up last night.. and she is still sleeping now bless her. She went horribly pale yesterday.. might write it in her care folder... just so the nurses read it too... she was very very tired last night.. but she had had THE most idiotic woman visitor yesterday! I was seething when she left!!

Conversation went something like this:
Mum: Hello V... good to see you
V: Helloe, here's some grapes - what's wrong with you?
Mum: Cancer
V: What are they doing about it
Mum: Nothing they can do
V: There must be something - you hear all about these new treatments abroad all the time
Mum: No , honestly, there's nothing
V: Well, where is it? Can't they just chop it out?
Mum: No, its in the joint of my hip and in my spine.
V: Can't they just take away your hip and give you a new one?
Mum: No, it's in my spine too and it's inside my bones
V:Well what about bone marrow? Can't they do that
Mum: No. There is nothing they can do except manage my pain
V: Surely there is something, I mean, they can't just give up on you?
Mum: No, there really is nothing they can do.. I had radiation therapy and now am on some tablets and once a month have a drip to help strengthen my bones but that's it,
V: What about chemotherapy? Can't they do that?
Mum: No.. etc etc

The entire visit was like a spanish inquisition... I had to exricate myself from hearing distance as I wanted to throttle the insensitive creature.. and at one point I did intervene.. it was when mum said "I have no control over anything any more"... so I went in and said, hang on a sec.. no control over anything? Yes you do... and I laughed (it was a nice jovial kind of tone - just in case you think I was being stroppy)... so she wanted to know what she had control over so I said.. ok.. you have control over: what you eat, what you drink, when you eat, when you drink, when you sleep, when you get up, what you wear, who you see, where you go, you have control over your finances, who cares for you, where you are, what you do... the one thing you have no control over is this damn disease and that's the stinker.. the one thing you truly want control over you haven't got... but all the rest of it you have.. so ner! lol

The 3 of us laughed and she agreed... lol But I feel sad she feels that way, and I understand it too... but I was also glad to be able to put it to her that she really does have choices and control in her life and as long as she has a tongue in her head she will always have some control... she agreed..

I asked her if she would like to try and make something in the kitchen - she hasn't been in there since 2nd August.. but she cannot stand up long enough to do anything.. and if she sat she hasn't the energy to carry stuff.. so she said no, and when the occupational therapist came she asked her what did she need to help her in the kitchen, and she laughed and said - my daughters! lol lol

She had a busy day yesterday - 2 visitors and the occupational therapist , twice. No wonder she was so tired.

No visitors planned today and I reminded her last night that, if she wants to go anywhere she just has to say and we will do it! No worries!

The damn weather is depressing her now.. all this rain.. so she said she couldn't think of anywhere and I know, it's all about being seen in the wheelchair... and I understand.. it's a huge mental step to take..

We talked about her church.. I am really cross that the vicar hasn't been in touch.. I know how busy ministers are, and, it could be that no-one has spoken to him, but even so,.. not very Christian.. and as one who works for the church, I KNOW how the system works so there really are no excuses after all these weeks...

I had horrible dreams last night.. oh, and confession time - I had a slice of the apple and olive cake I baked.. OMG... LUSH LUSH LUSH... it's high on my list of things I WILL have when I am a skinny minnie again (BUT only if I have lots of others to share it with so I have "just the one")... it was deeeeevine!!

Right - dreams... dreamt about being on my bike, the older one, Poppet, and waiting to meet up with a load of mates to do a huge treasure hunt.. and went down a slip road on bike and realised I wasn't wearing my protective trousers so went back up the slip road (the wrong way).. caught sight of 2 of my mates.. and a man in a high viz appeared and told me to park the bike in front of this coffee place which was adjacent to a huge posh hotel (and the back car park was where all had met up to set off on the treasure hunt).. and then, my bike had no front wheel on it and the bloke in the high viz said I had come off the bike.. and that he had to charge me for a traffice offence for going the wrong way up the slip road and it would be a £30 fine and points on my license.. he called it a P90 ... lol he was telling me this in my hotel room??? and next thing I am sat chatting with first hubby (who died in 1995) and he was talking about the previous evening in the coffee shop and I couldn't remember a thing about it.. and then others were joining in the conversation and I became very upset as I had no recollection of it at all... they thought it was funny and I didn't... I was terrified and told hubby to get me to a hospital as I truly had no memory of coming off the bike nor of the coffee shop evening with everyone...
It was horrible! Very unsettling...

That said.. I got more sleep last night than I have in ages and hope to again tonight.. I went to bed around 10.30pm and set the sleep timer on the telly and drifted off... had to get up at one point to go to the loo,. oh, and mum has this thing round the loo to help her get on and off it...it's brilliant for her.. but it restricts me somewhat so I have to move it each time, lol, and I think I woke her when I did as I hit the shower cubicle with it.. felt bad about that.. so.. must try and be more alert if happens again..

Mum said she had a proposition for me yesterday - she wants to pay me to clean her house when I stay... I told her no.. she was my mum and I wouldn't want to take money for cleaning her house coz I love her... and she got cross and said if I didn't take money for cleaning she would employ someone and use her attendance allowance to pay them instead... lol stubborn old bugger (that's genetic too!!)... I told her I was happy to clean but not happy about taking money from her for it.. so she said.. how about I "give" you some money instead then.. but not say its for cleaning... and I roared laughing and said, "mum, you can always GIVE me money... lol lol lol "

BUT... I told her .. if she is using her attendance allowance to "give" me money then she needs to "give " the same to my sister... otherwise it wouldn't be fair... she gave me a funny look... and I asked her is she giving sis money to go shopping? to run her to appointments? to fetch stuff? and she said no, just petrol money... and I said well.. petrol money is one thing.. but if you want to use your attendance allowance for those who attend to your needs, then it's only fair that you do it equally... I think she was shocked... and I have to admit, I was a bit surprised at the words tumbling out of my mouth too! lol lol lol

Food for thought... eh?

RIght... it's almost 8am and I need to get the paper out of the post box and make brekky for mum and take her meds up...

Lots to do today - going to start cleaning (do downstairs this morning whilst mum in bed) and baking (ginger biscuits and almondy fig tart) and type up the scatter rally for the club... can do the latter when mum comes down... and will vac and polish her room whilst she's downstairs later...

Busy times - oh and apart from cake, and some of my sisters chicken soup (remind me to tell you the soup saga!!! LMAO)

Happy Saturday folks!!!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

PS... got to the bottom of why nephew is living at sis's house! He has fallen out with his girlfriends brother and wanted him and g/f to move out and rent somewhere together - she's not ready to leave home yet so he was going to rent a room somewhere... so... THAT is why he's living there! I KNEW there had to be a reason!! Why couldn't my sis just have said as much! Sheesh!!

Made fresh fruit salad for mum for brekky - peach, plum, orange and melon.. with strawberry activia yog on top.. she loves it! yay!!! lol

Shower time for me now and then work out my hit list for housework today and baking and bike club stuff! Mum'll be in bed 'til about 11 , then come down, dinner at 12.30/1, then back up for a nap around 2.30 then down again around 4, dinner at 6... bed at 8... so must make the most of the time she is downstairs (in terms of spending it with her ) I know she likes me to sit down next to her.. so I have 400 cake toppers to cut out and think that will be the order of the day! lol

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

What a day it's been! I'm knackered but very happy... mum has had a good day, but again she looks very pale and is very tired.. I think I may ring the hospice nurse for some advice tomorrow as sis is talking about reducing mums morphine as she thinks that's making her more tired! I'm refusing to change anything without proper advice.. so glad I'm here with her as, she has no pain at the moment and, yes, she is getting very tired but I wonder if she needs another blood transfusion..

I baked today! Made my very first ever Almondly Fig Tart and also some ginger biscuits (my nana's recipe)... mum loved them both but I have frozen all but 2 small slices of the tart and put the biscuits in airtight containers so she is well stocked up now with sweet home-baked treats as there are blueberry and orange muffins in the freezer too and a couple of bits of the apple and olive oil cake too.. lol I am going to bake some fairy cakes and give them to her neighbours tomorrow as a thank you for walking the dog every day - they have been wonderful and I gave them a load of the apple and olive oil cake yesterday and today she told me they had never had such a delicious cake in their lives!! lol I love her! lol lol

So... when next down I am baking them a whole cake just to have themselves and, during the chat she said how much they love fairy cakes so I'm going to bake some tomorrow for them...

Her best friend came over this morning and that was lovely, they had a really good natter and then I got fish and chips with mushy peas for her for dinner.. after her nap I made some beans on toast with scrambled egg and she polished off the lot.. she had a slice of the fig tart and really enjoyed that (and so did the dog)... lol

In between the baking and cooking I have cleaned the downstairs of the house including all the high up cobwebs and washed the floors and her ornaments... and everywhere looks just how she likes it..

Tomorrow it's upstairs... once she has had her shower I shall blitz the bathroom.. and we have agreed that after her nap tomorrow we're going to watch a dvd together.

I have cut out all 400 of the cake toppers for the rally cakes I shall be baking... have done my club emails.. dealt with sis... and chatted with elder daughter.. arranged with neighbours to take rubbish to dump tomorrow... and emptied all the bins.. vacuumed mum's room so just need to strip bed and do washing and polish in there tomorrow.. and vac "spare" room, polish and really deep clean the bathroom.. sweep the stairs.. and then that'll be the place ALL done..

It will please mum and knacker me.. lol but.. it will be worth it as I know she hates to see it dusty etc..

Planning to type up scatter rally too at some point tomorrow... possibly when mum sleeping as it won't make any noise...

Am frustrated at the moment as mum has been asleep for almost 2 hours and someone very nearby is having fireworks and it's woken her up!! I just hope she can get back to sleep ok and that it doesn't mean a bad night for her.. and an exhausted day tomorrow...

On the menu tomorrow is cantonese chicken curry - I'm doing her chicken with onions and courgettes and tomatoes in a bought sauce, served with rice.. small portion but hopefully tasty and enjoyable..

I heard her tell someone on the phone today that her daughters were taking it in turn to live with her and look after her but that it was ok as we are both divorced and don't have anyone to consider!! LOL what about my job and my dog! lol lol ah well... bless her... lol lol it's ok coz I am divorced!! lol

We've had a good giggle today at stuff on the telly ... and naff jokes...

Right... time for me to get to bed now - the hall floor should be dry enough for me to walk across to get to the stairs... lol

Had a nice chat with her friend Pam as I took her home after her visit... looking forward to seeing her again on Monday..

Hope mum has a good night and another good (albeit tiring) day tomorrow too... if it's sunny I may try and persuade her to sit in the garden for a little while... I worry that she doesn't want to leave the house other than appointments (nails, hair, hosp..) ..

 

[KittyB]

Hi Jen, I keep missing your dairy as I forget it's here and not in silver. (Thats the blonde forgetful streak I have )
Sounds like you've had a busy but lovely time with your Mum Sorry to hear your Sis has been offish at times, I guess stress affects everyone differently, but you def can't be expected to read minds lol

Sending hugs ((hugs))
Have been thinking about you xxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Hi Kitty - yep stress definitely does affect us differently...

Mum had a bad night last night - not helped by noisy party across the road with fireworks and a 2 am finish.. still.. I kinda like that life goes on and folks are partying.. but not how it affects mum's sleeping.

Have been baking this morning again... baked some butterfly cakes and a large Victoria Sponge for the neighbours as a thank you for taking the rubbish to the tip... and for walking the dog every day and being fabulous neighbours to mum.

Also made a Canotonese Chicken curry for dinner today so all I have to do is cook some rice and heat up the curry and serve them up ! Promised mum I would eat with her today (she has been moaning about me not eating.. even though she knows I need to and want to lose this damn weight.. so ... I will eat todays dinner.. but its packs all the way after that!!

Sun is shining but mum's in a poor way at the moment and won't even consider going to sit in the garden.. am worried about her as she is very pale and very tired.. so I rang the hospice nurse and asked for advice and she said it was pretty much part and parcel of the nature of the beast.. and that a blood transfusion may not make any difference even if a test shows mums haemoglobin to be low.. but suggested asking GP to authorise blood test... spoke to mum, she said no.. so .. no it is!

Updated sis and she wants me to get GP to come and call tomorrow.. but mum said no, so I won't... District nurse is due here on Thursday anyway, but mum really is pale and tired.. sis wants to reduce mums morphine but I told her nope.. not unless medical advice given to do so.. no way am I risking mum having that damned pain again!! Anyway - it's MUM's decision!

Mum not keen on reducing but said she will talk to the nurse on Thursday - will see how she is today and tonight.. and then in the morning she can decide what she wants to happen (if anything). As much as I may want things to happen it is not my body they would be sticking needles into.. and not me who would have to suffer... and it's not my place, at this point in time, to make decisions for my mother.

It's hard, but it's how it is.

Beds all stripped and 2nd load of washing in machine... she can't go to bed until the sheets are washed and dried! Somehow think that ain't gonna happen in next hour as the towels are in the machine at the moment!!! Bugger.

Bad planning Jennie! .. but mum didn't get up until after the towels were in so am hoping she'll understand... either that or she'll have to make do with my sleeping bag.. lol lol Just kidding!

Sitting watching her read and she has a permanently down-turned mouth.. not how she used to be... but then.. she's never been dying of cancer before.. we still have had a couple of chuckles this morning.. but we are both tired.. and she really is so very pale... *sigh*

I need to get advice on what else to expect.. so that if she shows signs I won't be alarmed and will know.. although I do have a good idea.. and have tried to suggest today that she should buy some more bedding (she only appears to have ONE set of sheets!!) Ridiculous! May end up nipping to Tesco and getting some more just so she has some!

Jobs for this afternoon:- clean bathroom, vac upstairs.. (best do that in a mo)... polish upstairs, empty bins, type up scatter rally, give mum foot massage later..

No more baking today, but tomorrow am making an individual Lemon cake for her that she and sis can share on Tuesday as I know they will both like it.

Burnt my hand on Friday and got mum to kiss it better... didn't flippin work.. lol... Baking Battlescar is what I'm calling it.. lol

Sis ringing mum later and I have kept her updated ... argh, it's raining!!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Well, post-dinner update...

Mum didn't want any dinner but I tempted her into having a small dish of curry and rice, and it was really small, but she enjoyed it so much that after she had some almondy fig tart with vanilla icecream! Yay! Her colour improved almost immediately! She is utterly exhausted though and is sleeping again now..

I've frozen the rest of the curry in mum-sized portions so that's 2 meals more at some point... and managed to blow the fuse by running the washing machine, tumble dryer and microwave at the same time! lol She didn't know where the fuse box was, lol so I ended up pulling the tumble dryer forward and lo and behold it was there! Duly flicked back on and I'll remember now! lol

I want to do vacuuming but its such a noisey hoover I daren't as it will disturb her,.. so .. it will have to wait 'til tomorrow.. shame, lol

Instead I am going to type out my scatter rally now and hopefully will get that all done so that when I get back to work I can get it printed out ready for Friday. Friday feels such a long way off right now... I am so tired.. think I may have the start of a cold/chest infection brought on by the stupid lilies!! Everytime I breathe in their nasty stink my chest tightened.. and now I am wheezy and coughing despite having chucked them out!! Blah!! Could just be I'm a bit run down as feel like a cold sore is trying to surface on my lip too.. but then again TOTM is due soon so might be that too... or a combination of everything.

I think I need to see if I can find a way to tempt mum to drink more as she doesn't drink anywhere near enough fluids... it's hard though.

Right - must crack on... have to dry mum's bedding and get it back on the bed... and polish the spare room... and the landing windows... and give the bathroom a real good clean (that might have to wait until tomorrow though... not sure I have the energy!).

Going to be sure to get a really early night tonight... oh... here's the pics of the Apple and Olive Oil cake I baked...

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Pictures of the Almondy Fig Tart I baked for mum (I did have some too and OMGoodness!! I am SO going to bake this again sometime... but ONLY if there are at least 5 or 7 others present to stop me scoffing the lot!!)

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Blueberry and Orange Muffins... and Victoria Sponge (given to neighbours).. I sliced it but gave them that slice too.. lol Soooo wanted to trough it but resisted... really HAVE to try to stick to packs when here.. but some days it's harder than others...

 

[HelenG]

We might just have to enter you for 'The Great British Bake Off' :drool: