Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[pandora]

Hi Jennie,
strange thing about the confidence isn't it ! i agree with CC about being behind a facade of "the fat suit" you're out there, big n bubbly, but now thats dissapearing your percieved differently & feel different too (does that make sence?)
i also compleatly know what you mean about being ok where people don't know, you can do what you want, have fun etc safe in the knowledge that you won't see anyone again.
i went to a single sex school & even now find blokes of my age a bit intimidating, no idea at all how to read them !
wonderful news about getting the rings on, even if you are not going to wear them, it still makes you feel good.
xx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

I have really enjoyed reading your thread. You will get therein the end. I'm glad the rings fit!

thanks GM I hope I do get there in the end! Seems an uphill struggle this weekend though! lol

Hi Jennie,
strange thing about the confidence isn't it ! i ...compleatly know what you mean about being ok where people don't know, you can do what you want, have fun etc safe in the knowledge that you won't see anyone again. This is the thing I am looking forward to about Brum (for all sorts of reasons) and I wish there was a bike rally on soon that I could go to.. I would feel at ease there and be the 'old' me).
i went to a single sex school & even now find blokes of my age a bit intimidating, no idea at all how to read them ! I think I've come to the conclusion that none of them want me, they only want me mate, therefore, I don't even need to try to read them coz it's a waste of effort!
wonderful news about getting the rings on, even if you are not going to wear them, it still makes you feel good.
xx

yes, it was a good feeling although I've felt a bit odd ever since... odd eh? think I'll clean the silver one and wear that!

Went to the quiz, still feeling odd about last night... had a chat with the landlady about how I felt last night.. we agreed that it is a transitional stage and that I will, eventually, regain that 'fun' side of me.. I've always been that way in the past.. even before I was mega-fat.. so I think it may be a case of rediscovering the old me personality-wise.. also think I'll buy a couple of rugby shirts (less um, sexy I guess) and will feel more like I used to. I mean.. I like the tops I've bought but I think I'm going to go for 'safe' clothes that I can cover up in. Tonight was ok at thw quiz.. but highlighted even more for me how crap I am at communicating with the opposite sex at the moment! There were even more fellas in there than normal and they were positively drooling over Lucy.. lol.. she looked great though so I can't blame them. When she heard I'd been down there last night she said she would've loved to have come too had she known. I feel mean about it, but to be honest, I wanted to go there one evening without her.. I'm sorry, I sound so horrid but I hope you'll understand what I mean by that.

I'd like to be able to go in there just me on the odd ocassion and we both do stuff independant of one another and I think that's important - if for no other reason than (at the moment) I feel so inferior next to her.. and it is SO not her! It's all my feeling and my problem and my issue. Not her, she's ace and I feel really mean for not having asked her to come too but I really really didn't want her to be there and the invitation was to me.. (damn, what kind of a friend am I !!!!)

Didn't stick to SS today - I did, until I got home from quiz and then cooked mushrooms, peppers and onions and chicken breast. So.. fecked AAM week up but, today was my last official day to have it so am not going to feel bad. SS as of now again for another 5 weeks now... weigh in tomorrow and hoping my excessive pickle eating and veg fest won't have damaged things!! (will be major fecked off with myself if it has!).. but SSing is ok and it's only 5 weeks to the next AAM and I am determined that next time I shall stick properly to the allowance! (It will be almost festival time so I'll be even busier than ever so that should be good).

Well, it's 1.15am so I am way past my curfew but am still feeling odd.. think tomorrow (after interview and weigh in) I might just go for a long walk with the dog (if this darn rain ever stops!!)... and just clear my head a bit!

We've run out of gas too so , as all shops are shut, it's going to be a cold night! (got my leccy blanky on though!)...

Not sure I like the way I've been feeling this weekend and desperately need to feel differently and fast!!!

Committed to going swimming on Thursday after my session in the gym!! (I can't believe I'm going to do that.. I look appalling in my costume). .. but I think that once I get over the horrific embarassment I should be ok. The only other problem is that it will be after the schools kick out so might be kids there and they can be cruel little shytes! Hmm.. that's not gonna make me feel any better!! Still.. if I can do it once it will be a barrier broken and set the tone for future swims with Zoe. Am going with Trudy.

Talked to Lucy tonight about how I wish I could just feel happy on my own.. ended up bloomin' crying in the pub! Thankfully I don't think anyone saw.. and I was peeved with myself!!!

Just a blue time I guess... I should expect them I suppose...

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Interview and weigh in!

Off for my job interview now. No idea how much I need to ask them to pay me per hour but I know it's more than they are offering so will have to see if my old negotiating skills are still in me somewhere!

After that it's off to pick Zoe up and then weigh in (early one today) and then home again and, if the sun is still out, going to take the dog around the lakes.. need the fresh air and quiet time.. then home and finalise the programme . Possibly early night with a glass of appleade and some soft music and my new yankee candle wax burner (forgot to mention that little bit of retail therapy!). Lovely thing.. got a wax 'tart' of 'freesia' - smells divine!

Anyway, black trousers and smart blouse on, hair brushed, cv at the ready and here I go!!

 

[pandora]

good luck hun
+ve :vibes: :vibes: :vibes:
xx

 

[Karen1972]

Good luck hun - for the intervew AND the weigh in!!! Food is a dangerous thing - this diet is fab when no food is involved but as soon as you start eating the darn stuff the evilness gets you!!! lol. When you get to goal you need to be sooooo careful honey, learn from my and others mistakes - and your own AAM experiences!! I think it's perfectly normal what you're going through re your confidence in general and with men - you are going through a LIFE CHANGING experience and of course men will stop seeing you as a mate and start seeing you as a sex symbol!!!! This was the most astounding thing for me - my work colleagues in particular - it was like i'd taken on the life of someone else, but you will get used to the different attention - i have to say i like it but it was a shock to begin with!!! Catch you later, gorgeous!

 

[Eclipse]

Hope interview went well.

Ditto with the weigh in.

 

[jane]

Dear Jennie, I've read your diary from end to end-just love it.
1. good luck at interview & don't let them employ you on the cheap.
2. don't be so hard on yourself for finding being on your own difficult or at keast not as easy as you'd like it to be.We are designed to be social creatures, & I get the feeling that you're more gregarious than many.
3. the lack of confidence you described at the pub is all down to that old rogue 'sex'. I would imagine that a lot of the big losers on this site have experienced the same thing.You are naturally bubbly & outgoing.When you become the centre of attention it's easy to become the 'jolly fat girl' & flirting doesn't feel threatening because it can't really mean any thing because I'm so gross that I'm not really a sexual being.Now, of course you can't withdraw to the safety of separateness.You may still feel fat & unattractive at one level ,but at another level you (or your body) knows that you're now back with the rest of the 'normal ' population & all those murky things like sexual attraction/lust/lechery can be aimed at you again for thefirst time in however many years. Of course it's threatening & probably gets worse the longer you've been overweight & walled off from it.On top of that I've seen your pics & there's a very attractive face on top to make things worse(or better). I reckon it'll be uncomfortable for a while but my advise is just accept it as inevitable & redjust.The rugby shirts or similar will probably help you feel more comfortable too.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

... As for the confidence thing? It's a lot easier to exude confidence in surroundings you are unfamiliar with and which is unfamiliar with you. However on home-turf ... everyone knows you and there is always that fear of looking stupid/doing something you'll later regret, I suppose. I read on these pages that confidence grows with weight loss. You are in a transition at the moment; you are in the medium of your weight loss you aren't the weighty person you were (well done!) thus you haven't your fat coat to hide behind; yet you aren't at goal either; thus you are in an awkward space - I hope I'm making sense. I think you have charm and passion and all that will come back over the next 5 months without the 'having to make up for the fact I'm obese' tag that accompanied your confidence many moons ago.

As for reading men ..... LOL. They are hard, however I am now subscribing to the ethos that:
1) go with your gut instinct - it's never let me down, I've just chosen to ignore it.
2) you'll know when a man likes you, he will make himself easy to read. He wont want to make the mistake of confusing you if he wants you.

Have a good day. May be one Sunday I can come to church with you? C-C xxx

Hi CC... I think you hit the nail on the head with some of this, although I also think I was pretty extrovert before I became quite the heffer I am now.. lol As for the men thing .. :giveup: lol decided that I need to just relax and try and just be me (whatever that involves) right now. I have so much to do that if I am sensible about it I don't have time for anyone really.. well.. I DO.. but then again.. I don't..lol know what I mean?

good luck hun +ve :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: xx

thanks sweetie xxxx

Good luck hun - for the intervew AND the weigh in!!!

Food is a dangerous thing - this diet is fab when no food is involved but as soon as you start eating the darn stuff the evilness gets you!!! lol. When you get to goal you need to be sooooo careful honey, learn from my and others mistakes - and your own AAM experiences!!

I am so scared of losing the plot on this diet - am more determined than ever now to stick to the plan for the run up to my holiday when I shall then be on 1000cals for the 3 weeks (Ailsa and I had a long talk about this and this was the decision we took - I'm bricking it as it will mean exercising enormous control over food!!!!!!)

I think it's perfectly normal what you're going through re your confidence in general and with men - you are going through a LIFE CHANGING experience and of course men will stop seeing you as a mate and start seeing you as a sex symbol!!!! This was the most astounding thing for me - my work colleagues in particular - it was like i'd taken on the life of someone else, but you will get used to the different attention - i have to say i like it but it was a shock to begin with!!! Catch you later, gorgeous!

You know it is just really WEIRD though..... I hope I regain my old full confidence again and stop feeling like I did all weekend!! As for the thought of being seen as a sex symbol - you kill me! lol
I look forward to enjoying it!! lol (and will let you know if and when that happens!!)

Hope interview went well. Ditto with the weigh in.

thanks Cheryl (just visited your diary xxx)

Dear Jennie, I've read your diary from end to end-just love it.
1. good luck at interview & don't let them employ you on the cheap.
2. don't be so hard on yourself for finding being on your own difficult or at keast not as easy as you'd like it to be.We are designed to be social creatures, & I get the feeling that you're more gregarious than many.
3. the lack of confidence you described at the pub is all down to that old rogue 'sex'. I would imagine that a lot of the big losers on this site have experienced the same thing.You are naturally bubbly & outgoing.When you become the centre of attention it's easy to become the 'jolly fat girl' & flirting doesn't feel threatening because it can't really mean any thing because I'm so gross that I'm not really a sexual being.Now, of course you can't withdraw to the safety of separateness.You may still feel fat & unattractive at one level ,but at another level you (or your body) knows that you're now back with the rest of the 'normal ' population & all those murky things like sexual attraction/lust/lechery can be aimed at you again for thefirst time in however many years. Of course it's threatening & probably gets worse the longer you've been overweight & walled off from it.On top of that I've seen your pics & there's a very attractive face on top to make things worse(or better). I reckon it'll be uncomfortable for a while but my advise is just accept it as inevitable & redjust.The rugby shirts or similar will probably help you feel more comfortable too.

well done on getting through it all! (Deserve a medal!!) ... there is a whole heap of truth in what you've said.. I NEVER saw myself as a sexual being when out with the lads.. or with girls either for that matter and am positive I was never seen that way either! It was a very easy and 'safe' environment for me. I don't think I've ever actually had those things aimed at me (apart from in the odd cattle market - if you get my drift!). I have a feeling I shall be scouring t'internet for rugby shirts this evening! Thanks for the compliments about me mush.... it is very uncomfortable at the moment but you're (and others too) right.. it is, I guess, inevitable (even scary) and, as I am going to carry on with this diet then I just will have to adapt!! As for the being on my own thing.. I just think I need time to get my had into a better place on that score too... not sure how I'll do that but I will.

:thankyou: :thankyou: all for your support:grouphugg:

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Weigh in and Job Interview - the results!

I lost 1.7lbs this week which (and I think I got my numbers wrong last week) makes it SPOT ON 7 stone lost now.

I'm pleased with the loss as the last AAM loss was 1.2lbs.. so this is an improvement!

Back SSing today and not wavering now.. got 5 weeks til the next AAM so not going to worry about that now. Hopefully lose another stone by early April and then another by early May and a third by early June when I go on hols. So.. holiday target now being set at : 13 stone 4.8lbs (which will mean an overall loss by then of... umm... 10 stone!). Blimey - that sounds loads!! In fact, that will be almost what I actually want to weigh!!!

Anyway.. staying focused on the here and now.... this week... 1.7lbs off and now weighing in at exactly 16 stone 4.8lbs (start weight was 23 stone 4.8lbs )

Overall Inch losses since start (Ailsa measured me today):
Bust: 10 inches
Waist: 12.5 inches
Hips: 13 inches
Upper Arm: 5 inches ( so, x2 (as got a full compliment of limbs!) = 10 inches)
Thigh: 4.75 inches (boo hiss - need to lose more on these beggars!! Although working on same calc as above = 9.5 inches so not too bad I s'pose)


Job Interview - it went very well, I gave them a figure which was way over what he said they would offer, but still 50p and hour under what I need to earn.. should have tried for another 25p an hour.. but hey,.. I GOT THE JOB!! lol

The interview was at 1pm and they rang me back at 5 and want me to start as soon as possible (Wednesday)!! I told him I will try but that I need to sort a lot of things out first. (apart from anything else I just booked a flaming birthday meal for my mum and sister on Friday!!!!) Oh lordy - there will be ructions from the family now!!! I can feel it in me water!!!!!! Well.. I'll have to deal with that I guess and they will have to understand!

Actually - I just looked in my diary - I think I'm going to call them tomorrow and tell them that I really can't start until Monday. (I have to sort out the gym (remember that was organised by my GP and is set times twice a week at the moment - will ask if I can go late in eves instead now!), I have to sort out my appointment with the nurse, mum's birthday lunch... meeting with the press about the festival.. argh! loads to sort out! Still.. will call him tomorrow afternoon (when I've had chance to sort some things out) and work out what to say to him. I think it will earn me major brownie points if I can start Weds.. might negotiate a weds start but with an early finish Thursday (to see nurse) and Friday off! lol I think he will be pretty good about it all though. He seems fairly laid back.

I'm not sure how it will go working there, but it is a good job and fairly well paid and will not add many miles to my daily driving either and I will still be home by 6.30pm every evening so could even pick up a part-time evening job a couple of nights a week if necessary too!

Will tell my boss in the morning (this should please him as it will have NO impact on my current job at all! - but it will mean that he won't be able to dither about and keep me late as I will be leaving bang on 12 noon!! )

I also need to talk to the tax credits people about it and see how badly this is going to hit me that way too!

Zoe will be finishing college in about 5 weeks time so I need to talk to them anyway.. as I would not be entitled to help after then! So.. it really is 'standing on my own' now!!! (plus Zoe has a job interview tomorrow sometime at a restaurant) so she will be self sufficient (to a certain degree) and that will help me too. Might get a pushbike and see if I can manage to cycle to work one day a week - BUT the hills are pretty horrific from the second job!! AND it's about 7 miles each way - and I am NOT fit enough to do that just yet! lol

I ought to be cheering from the rooftops.. and I AM pleased about the job.. I just know it is a means to an end and not where or what I want to do.. still.. that is a luxury that few can boast so I'll just have to knuckle down and do it!

Doing the festival stuff now and then having an early night to gather my thoughts! xxx

 

[canireallydothis!!]

How was the interview, and the weigh in hun??

I would deffo scour for a rugby shirt, today i have on, tracky bottoms and a t shirt, not the most attractive, but who says I have to lose weight and wear thongs and dresses all the time!!!!

I do love to look nice, but today I wanted to feel me, so I did!

 

[canireallydothis!!]

Crossed posts!!! lol

 

[Isobel1965]

Double congratulations on the 7 stone (7 STONE!!!!!!) and the job, hun - that's fab!!!!!

 

[pandora]

all in all a fairly possitive day then hun !
so you have a bit of juggling around to do, but i'm sure you can sort out somethig that satisfies everyone. If your mum knew that this was the difference between keeping your home or not, then she wouldn't mind her meal being changed.
all will work out well !
xx

 

[IreneH]

CONGRATULATIONS

Lots of love
Irene xx

 

[Mich]

Hi Hun!

Well done on the weight loss...... you definately weigh less than me now..... woo hoo.....

Well done on the job front too.... I know how much you needed it..... at least one of us got lucky today.....

I would tell them you have committments you can't break this week and can start Monday...... they shouldn't have a problem with that.....

Well done again - really proud of you......

Lots of love

 

[MadamDotty]

Congratulations x 2 (full compliment of congratulations there then )

Brilliant news on the job front & the 7 stone lost (OMG!!!) front and your inch losses are awesome too.

You're rockin' girl - keep it up

 

[magickmel]

Congratulations on the 7 stone loss, excellent news ! Even more brilliant that you got a new job at the same time. Your confidence must be sky high, you go girl ! :clap:

 

[cazmaz_irl]

:wow: Woo Hooo great news on both fronts, new job and new figure, wow 7stone in 21 weeks, you gotta go for slimmer of the year girl....:superwoman:

 

[mindless]

Hey FFnF,

Well done on the job and yep agree with the rest - go for a monday start - takes a while to get things arranged eh?

Sure once you get in there and they see what you an deliver then things will develop nicely should you want them to.

Have gone overboard about your great achievement on the pounds on your weigh in thread, but suffice it to say

Fan-dabee-doze-ious
:wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow:
(pinched your colour and just found the second column of new smilies )

Roll on the ton up next week :whoopass:

 

[IreneH]

I bet it feels good to be over half way there

Irene xx