Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

zilla said:
Oh my word I think you are so brave and I follow your posts daily. I think you are right to wait to confront your sister. The main thing at the moment is to keep your mum as happy as can be there will be plenty of time to deal with your sister later. I wish I could do or say something to make this time easier for you but alas I cannot, however please remember that there are lots of us here thinking of you and admiring your strength. :bighug:
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Thanks Zilla... I don't feel like I've got much strength but what I have is being used in too many ways.. lol I can't wait to get to mum's tomorrow... and hopefully bring a peaceful atmosphere with me... am going to dig out some meditation type cds to take with me and see if mum would like to listen to some of those...
 
Darling, you've already started your bereavement counselling. It's right here in your diary. When we know someone is dying the grief process starts.

I'm going to be a little boring here... I studied bereavement for 5 years... it was tough... comparing Freuds Separation Theory etc. All very black and white until you lose loved ones yourself.

Losing 5 very dear loved ones in the space of 12 months still knocked the stuffing out of me. It's all very well knowing the theory but the emotions are different. I could look at myself and recognise... here I am... stage 3 etc. Didn't help a little bit... just had to work through it.

Your diary is key here.... a place to pour your heart out...

Also, without even thinking about this you're helping others who, at some point in the future, will lose their parents.

I sooooooo remember the morphine and oramorph, the commode, the pain, the caring, the love.....

and ... more than anything.... it's the love... pure, unadulterated love.... that shines out here....

you really are one of a kind....

bless your kind heart xxx
 
I don't post here much, but I said I'd drop in and say hi, see how you are.

Keep the fact that spending time with your mum, and staying well yourself needs to be your priority.

Try and stay strong, and know that you being around is a huge comfort to her.

:bighug:
 
Thinking of you daily Jen. I admire your strength, your patience, your dedication and your love for your mum. You really are a very special lady. (((HUGS))) xxx

PS I dont know how you have managed to bite your tongue for so long with your sister! I would have exploded a long time ago! You have so much self control!
 
Well said Hope!

I read this diary daily, but I'm at a loss for words....so much pain and grief but so much love and strength too. So sad how families can be torn apart like this. ((hugs))
 
Hey xx

Just to let you know I'm still here, you write so well that I feel that I'm right there with you, sending a million cwtches, stay strong, you really are a remarkable woman!!

Love that RB is back in your life, I actually think the timing is great, just what you need, a ray of sunshine!!

Keep up the amazing wonder woman routine Cariad xxxxx
 
I dont often post on your diary purely because i never know what to say.. but i want you to know how much i think abotu you and your beautiful mum.. I love and miss you xxxx
 
I too lurk most of the time and read you diary almost every day.

I really don't know what else to say chica other than we are all with and you are always in our thoughts. You are one amazing lady and your love for your mum shines out. God bless - and remember to take time for yourself when you can. You need to be in good fettle too to help your mum.

((( Big Hugs ))) :bighug:
 
it's just gone 3.15am and I am finally going to bed... mum loads worse and now on a morphine pump.. will update properly later when, hopefully, I shall have had some sleep... been a very tiring and traumatic day... my poor mum... they reckon a week, maybe 10 days is all now... love her.. it's pure evil is cancer, fact!
 
Darling girl, I have no words of comfort. I just hope the pain is being controlled better now for your lovely Mum xxx
 
Not sure what to say or where to start really... got here yesterday afternoon to find my sisters children and grandchildren here, was nice to see them but was glad to see them go. It was too much for mum but she loves them so I am glad she saw them.

I was told that I would have to clean the oven as they had cooked a rice pudding and it had exploded all over it.. to say I was unimpressed is a massive understatement and I told them they should clean it up before they leave! I was too tired to even contemplate clearing up after her kids!!! (Kids - 26, 23, 18) I made it abundantly clear that I was NOT impressed! So much so that sis cleaned it before she left, lol.

Mum looked awful and told me to sit down as there had been some "sorting out" done... I was filled with dread and noticed the tv had gone from the living room! I asked where it was and was spun a yarn about how it was the same age as my sister's and that it was too big, and mum wanted the little one, and so sis had taken it for her sitting room and her old one is in the spare room! I must have had a face like thunder as mum commented on my expression so I just said I was tired, and then put on a mask!

I knew this would happen.. I just knew it... it also transpired that nephew had been given my grandads medals and my late stepdads medals too.. I began to wonder just what else has gone walkabout in my absence... made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

Mum clearly happy with it all so I can't say anything. She is so so vulnerable at the moment.

Anyway - sis and I came upstairs as mum dozed and we had a talk... she said mum wanted us to use solicitor for probate etc and I then had to tell sis about the conversation explaining that the solicitor she likes no longer deals with probate and wills... so we agreed... not going to another one as too costly - she (somewhat predictably) suggested a solicitor in her town.. and I said no.

I am so tired but not too tired to stand up for what's right.

We then sat and talked about stuff and decided there and then to begin to get the ball rolling on practicalities... mum wants the girls (her daughter and my daughters ) to choose a bit of jewellry (according to my sister).. and I said no.. she had itemised things she wanted them to have and that was that.. anything else would be up to us. So we agreed some ground rules. I also told her she could keep the television and take her old one back too. I kinda wanted her to realise that it's not right to just take stuff now.. and swap it with older stuff of her own!

So - she left and I said I would keep her informed as to how mum was.. mum didn't want any food as her stomach was massively distended and hard to touch...

She was getting anxious about it and, as I got her on the commode she began throwing up.. I got her settled and back in bed and cleaned up and rang the hospice at home nurse.. they rang the dr and within the hour he was at the door.. he examined her and basically said there was nothing he could do, but in a very kind way... he was lush by the way! lol Tall and very handsome - mum says he has been her Dr for the last 25 years... he is a good friend too as he knew my late stepdad for over 50 years... and he was visibly shaken at the condition mum is in... mum got upset and told him she just wanted it to end, she wanted it to be over.. she had had enough... I had to walk away from her view as I couldn't quell the tears... it was awful.. and I understood.. totally...

He left with instructions of fluids only and to have her movicol (laxative).. so I mixed that up for her and she drank it... within minutes she was violently sick and I called the nurses out to her to give her an anti-sickness injection. Mum by this time was so upset..

The nurse was wonderful... so calming and kind.. she talked to mum for ages.. and discussed the pump driver... she chatted with mum then with me and then gave mum her meds orally... as the nausea had passed.. another half an hour and mum seemed settled and the nurse left... half an hour later and she was violently sick again.. bless her.. so, I cleaned her up, calmed her down, held her and soothed her... I called the nurse team again (they are an amazing organisation - Iain Rennie Hospice At Home)... and bless them, one of their nurses had to turn out of her bed and dash over with everything needed...

She arrived around 2am I guess... I dunno.. time mish mashed to a haze.. mum really upset and being sick still... the nurse injected more anti-sickness stuff into her other thigh and a dose of morphine as mum was, by now, in increasing pain...

THe nurse sat and talked to mum, and to me, and we rang my sister and she said what she felt too.. and we were all in agreement with mum's wishes to have the pump driver started..
 
Oh Jennie my heart is broke for you. Sending you loads of love and cuddles. Your mum is so lucky to have you there and she knows it xx
 
so, at about 3am mum had been injected with morphine and more anti-sickness stuff as she had been sick again as soon as she used the commode... poor love... the nurse was wonderful, I cannot praise the staff of Iain Rennie enough.. they are so so good. She was here for well over an hour.. and, when she left she told me to get some sleep if I could.. well, I did try.. but it didn't happen... mum buzzed me and then we had 2 prank calls at around 4.30am.. not funny... awake again at 5.45am and been up since... mum drifting in and out of sleep and each time she uses the commode the pain gets worse in her back.. the nurse has rung and discussed catheterising mum - I think mum may opt for that as it will, for her I think, be more dignified and certainly a damn sight less painful, than the commode... it's all happening so fast..

Called sis this morning having kept her updated through the night - she was in tears, I was in tears.. she is coming back this afternoon and we are going to sort out about visitors as I have already told mum that it is entirely HER decision as to who she allows to visit. Sis was adamant about one set of relatives who plan on coming Wednesday - I told her that Wednesday is a hell of long way off and to say no. I don't care about them, I just care about mum and they will understand if it is simply limited to me and sis and specific friends that mum wants...

Mum is too tired and too weak to cope with a flow of visitors and to be honest, I really feel it would be too much for her. BUT. It IS HER decision and I have told my sister who said we have to consider mums friends, and I said no, we don't, we have to consider mum. Her friends, if they are true friends, will do what is best for mum. End of.

I am going to be very firm about this.. yes it may upset some, but, I don't actually care, I just care about how my mum feels and what is best for her and what SHE wants.

There is an awful smell of cancer in the air.. I feel like I smell of it too... mum wants me to give her a really good bedbath and I am going to do so later when sis is here so she can answer phone and fend off wellwishers whilst I do so..

One of mums closest friends is coming this morning and I have rung her to "warn" her of how mum is now.. I don't want her being really shocked so now she can fix her face and prepare to see her with a smile... I am going to dash out to the market as soon as she arrives and then will be back for the duration.

Her lovely neighbour came in to collect the cake I baked for her daughter-in-law's birthday today and she saw mum and was very shocked... she gave me a rosary for mum... so I have put it in her bedside cabinet... her neighbour is devastated and I have promised to call in this afternoon when sis is here. Love her, she and her husband have been the best neighbours in the world for my mum.
 
One of the most incredibly touching things about all this is Charlie, mum's adorable little dog - he never left the room all night and is curled up on a mat by the bed where mum can see him now... love him, poor little thing knows.. he knows... he isn't eating.. he is just being with her all the time.. i'll put a photo of him on here - he's a little old cutey.. I adore him.. he knows it too.. and , when the time comes, he is coming home with me.. and he will be so loved...
 

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Ok that did it I'm officially in tears, it was little Charlie that got me, dogs are so incredibly intuitive and I think your right he senses what's happening :(

I confess i read your diary most days but never comment as i honestly don't know what to say. For all of us who have lost someone close it strikes a real chord and we all admire you so much for the love and care your showing your mum, you really are one in million :) x
 
Charlie is absolutely gorgeous.

My heart bleeds for you. Cancer is so horrible. It is just so unfair.

Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you lots.

Irene xx
 
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