lite at end of tunnel
Full Member
That was such a lovely txt,straight from the heart made me fill up,absoloutely beautiful .x x x x
Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary
- Thread starter Blonde Logic
- Start date
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
AW, thanks Lite and Katie. I just keep finding out new things abot me, everytime I turn a corner. I find it all amazing. THanks for making it through that rather long, ramble of a post!! lol 
XX
XX
hunni have ta say it did make sense and wasnt babble. i actually welled up through it cause im so sorry u went through such a hard time, and im delighted that u have come through it.
u have been through so much in ur life and u deserve the amount of happiness that u feel now with ur husband.
i love when people who have been through so much feel that happiness cause they truly appreciate it when it happens cause of how sacred it actually is.
enjoy ur new life hunni u seserve every min of it!
xxx
u have been through so much in ur life and u deserve the amount of happiness that u feel now with ur husband.
i love when people who have been through so much feel that happiness cause they truly appreciate it when it happens cause of how sacred it actually is.
enjoy ur new life hunni u seserve every min of it!
xxx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thank you Catz and LS. Your words mean a lot.
That has always been, and always will be one of my favourite things about this community at MM's - is the overwhelming understanding we have amongst one another. Its really fantastic.
xx
Your words mean a lot. That has always been, and always will be one of my favourite things about this community at MM's - is the overwhelming understanding we have amongst one another. Its really fantastic.
xx
slendablenda
Gold Member
Oh BL - Goosebumps
Can't say any more. I'm so happy for you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx:love047:
Can't say any more. I'm so happy for you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx:love047:
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
What a year.
Well, here I am, just 9 days from completing all three phases of LL: Foundation, Development and Route to Management!!!! It will have taken me JUST 348 days to do that. My god. I really have done it. I was so frightened at the start, and this day – just 9 days from now – seemed so so far out of sight – out of reach. And, said with true wonder and gratitude, that time has come.
At first glance, 348 looks like a big number. But, I began putting on weight when I was 25, soon after my first marriage. Therefore, I have spent 8,395 days fat. It suddenly does not seem like such a large number. In fact, I think it’s my new favourite number. It took just 348 days to find myself, free myself and love myself. And to finally forgive myself. To welcome myself home. Every moment of everyday a worthwhile step towards that end.
What have I learned over this year?
I have learned, that “I could never do that” is a useless sentence, and one I will be less likely to use in the future. I have learned that the saying, “All good things come to those who wait” is true, and that patience is a virtue. Indeed.
I’ve learned to have faith in myself, something that was lost long ago on my various paths of destruction. And to know I am worthy of that faith. I CAN do what I put my mind to doing. I DO have strength and determination. And tenacity. And I am worth it and a better person for it.
I have learned that the little girl still lives in me, and always will. What I had forgotten, all those years ago, is that she was there, and that she needed protecting – nurturing. Not neglect and abandonment. And punishment. That will never happen again. It doesn’t matter how old us women get – we are all still girls. Always will be.
I have learned what it feels like, now, to do things I used to see slim people do, and always with a heavy heart thought “I’ll never be like that”, or worse “it’s not meant for me – I am just meant to be fat. That is the life that was chosen for me, I must not deserve it”. I now know what its like to sit down and see my legs – not have a belly resting on them. I know what its like to have my boobs cast a shadow. I know what it is like to curl up in a chair, or to sit cross-legged, snuggly, like a lady. To be submerged completely under water in a tub. To prop myself up against a wall and realize the only part of my body toughing the wall is my shoulder blades. Or to feel uncomfortable in a chair because it is too hard, and I have not enough padding. Or to be cold, because my insulating blubber has vanished. Just to name a few new wonders.
All these things – that I reckon only a fat person can truly understand - that are undoubtedly taken for granted by most naturally slim people – these are my rewards. This is my spoil for the years of deep unhappiness, sorrow, and self-hatred. Guilt and regret. Grief. I have earned these wonderful things, by putting in hard, blindingly honest work, by reallllllly looking at, and, inside of myself, saying “Enough IS ENOUGH!” I deserve them!!! I DO have the right to be a happy woman. And now, I am, and I will treasure each and every gift I am receiving every day.
This is the biggest achievement of my life. And the second biggest life changing event of my life. Losing my dad was my biggest. But this is MY work. I have done it with intent. So it feels different. Obsviously, much more joyous and triumphant.
But lest not forget – with these highs – there come lows as well. Though it is not all doom and gloom.
But I am left with a body that shows signs of being ravaged by self-loathing. My battle wounds. My scars. Every time I step from the shower, I see a reminder of all sad things. It is hard not to feel saddened by this in an emotional way. And it is also hard not to feel saddened by vanity as well. I can’t help but at times feel I have missed my …erm…opportunity is not really the right word – but I wish I were 20, and had the skin of a 20 year old. However, to be true to what I have written above – I will be patient, and hope over the next year that the elasticity will come back at least a little. If it doesn’t I will consider my options and see where my priorities settle.
It is by far, so worth it in the long run – I would 1000 times rather the excess skin then the weight – but lets face it – its still part of my baggage, for me anyway, that is attached – and I would feel so liberated if I did not have it – could not see it every day. It is different for everyone. This is how it is for me. I hate it.
This is the first diet I have ever completed from day 1 to the end. A feeling of pride comes with that, that still makes me break into a giant grin when I catch my reflection in a mirror. And that’s another thing – it is wonderful to see ME in a mirror. Not just a shell. But me - <sigh>. That is indeed one of the greatest rewards – to find the girl who was trapped all those years and to let her go.
The road ahead is scary. And I know there will be ups as well as downs. I must remember to never lose faith in myself again. And to know I can do what I put my mind too. To remain calm, and focused. I already know that is going to be much easier to say then to do! But I will master it. In time.
At the end of the day, and as I approach the next junction of my journey, it feels wonderful to be “home”.
Here’s to the next 348 days. What an exciting thing this all is.
Well, here I am, just 9 days from completing all three phases of LL: Foundation, Development and Route to Management!!!! It will have taken me JUST 348 days to do that. My god. I really have done it. I was so frightened at the start, and this day – just 9 days from now – seemed so so far out of sight – out of reach. And, said with true wonder and gratitude, that time has come.
At first glance, 348 looks like a big number. But, I began putting on weight when I was 25, soon after my first marriage. Therefore, I have spent 8,395 days fat. It suddenly does not seem like such a large number. In fact, I think it’s my new favourite number. It took just 348 days to find myself, free myself and love myself. And to finally forgive myself. To welcome myself home. Every moment of everyday a worthwhile step towards that end.
What have I learned over this year?
I have learned, that “I could never do that” is a useless sentence, and one I will be less likely to use in the future. I have learned that the saying, “All good things come to those who wait” is true, and that patience is a virtue. Indeed.
I’ve learned to have faith in myself, something that was lost long ago on my various paths of destruction. And to know I am worthy of that faith. I CAN do what I put my mind to doing. I DO have strength and determination. And tenacity. And I am worth it and a better person for it.
I have learned that the little girl still lives in me, and always will. What I had forgotten, all those years ago, is that she was there, and that she needed protecting – nurturing. Not neglect and abandonment. And punishment. That will never happen again. It doesn’t matter how old us women get – we are all still girls. Always will be.
I have learned what it feels like, now, to do things I used to see slim people do, and always with a heavy heart thought “I’ll never be like that”, or worse “it’s not meant for me – I am just meant to be fat. That is the life that was chosen for me, I must not deserve it”. I now know what its like to sit down and see my legs – not have a belly resting on them. I know what its like to have my boobs cast a shadow. I know what it is like to curl up in a chair, or to sit cross-legged, snuggly, like a lady. To be submerged completely under water in a tub. To prop myself up against a wall and realize the only part of my body toughing the wall is my shoulder blades. Or to feel uncomfortable in a chair because it is too hard, and I have not enough padding. Or to be cold, because my insulating blubber has vanished. Just to name a few new wonders.
All these things – that I reckon only a fat person can truly understand - that are undoubtedly taken for granted by most naturally slim people – these are my rewards. This is my spoil for the years of deep unhappiness, sorrow, and self-hatred. Guilt and regret. Grief. I have earned these wonderful things, by putting in hard, blindingly honest work, by reallllllly looking at, and, inside of myself, saying “Enough IS ENOUGH!” I deserve them!!! I DO have the right to be a happy woman. And now, I am, and I will treasure each and every gift I am receiving every day.
This is the biggest achievement of my life. And the second biggest life changing event of my life. Losing my dad was my biggest. But this is MY work. I have done it with intent. So it feels different. Obsviously, much more joyous and triumphant.
But lest not forget – with these highs – there come lows as well. Though it is not all doom and gloom.
But I am left with a body that shows signs of being ravaged by self-loathing. My battle wounds. My scars. Every time I step from the shower, I see a reminder of all sad things. It is hard not to feel saddened by this in an emotional way. And it is also hard not to feel saddened by vanity as well. I can’t help but at times feel I have missed my …erm…opportunity is not really the right word – but I wish I were 20, and had the skin of a 20 year old. However, to be true to what I have written above – I will be patient, and hope over the next year that the elasticity will come back at least a little. If it doesn’t I will consider my options and see where my priorities settle.
It is by far, so worth it in the long run – I would 1000 times rather the excess skin then the weight – but lets face it – its still part of my baggage, for me anyway, that is attached – and I would feel so liberated if I did not have it – could not see it every day. It is different for everyone. This is how it is for me. I hate it.
This is the first diet I have ever completed from day 1 to the end. A feeling of pride comes with that, that still makes me break into a giant grin when I catch my reflection in a mirror. And that’s another thing – it is wonderful to see ME in a mirror. Not just a shell. But me - <sigh>. That is indeed one of the greatest rewards – to find the girl who was trapped all those years and to let her go.
The road ahead is scary. And I know there will be ups as well as downs. I must remember to never lose faith in myself again. And to know I can do what I put my mind too. To remain calm, and focused. I already know that is going to be much easier to say then to do! But I will master it. In time.
At the end of the day, and as I approach the next junction of my journey, it feels wonderful to be “home”.
Here’s to the next 348 days. What an exciting thing this all is.
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annaphylactic
Guess who's back...?
A wonderful post BL... almost made me cry! I am so proud of everything you have achieved - you've done so so well and we can all only aspire to do as you have done... approaching each challenge and hurdle with optimism and determination.
I am certain that your future holds many more years of feeling great and looking great - and you will be amazed at how your skin reacts over the coming 12-18 months. Just try and be patient.
Thank you for finding minimins all those months ago... if you weren't here I'm sure the community wouldn't be as inspired or closely knit.
Thanks!!
A friend of mine once called me an 'earth angel' - and, frankly, I think you are a true earth angel too...
We've been through cr*p... but we are here to help others be stronger... every 'down' has a purpose; that's what I believe anyway. Whenever I think about living through my various illnesses, watching loved ones die both slowly and out of the blue... it is hard and feels most unfair that I've had such a run of bad luck... but it puts everything in perspective and means I can understand people a lot better. Your posts and your support show that you are a bit of an expert at this - you always seem to know where I am coming from.
Ok - I'll stop getting too gushy now
I hope you have a good Christmas - or as good as you can (never an easy time of year)... and here's to 2009!!
A xx
I am certain that your future holds many more years of feeling great and looking great - and you will be amazed at how your skin reacts over the coming 12-18 months. Just try and be patient.
Thank you for finding minimins all those months ago... if you weren't here I'm sure the community wouldn't be as inspired or closely knit.
Thanks!!
A friend of mine once called me an 'earth angel' - and, frankly, I think you are a true earth angel too...
We've been through cr*p... but we are here to help others be stronger... every 'down' has a purpose; that's what I believe anyway. Whenever I think about living through my various illnesses, watching loved ones die both slowly and out of the blue... it is hard and feels most unfair that I've had such a run of bad luck... but it puts everything in perspective and means I can understand people a lot better. Your posts and your support show that you are a bit of an expert at this - you always seem to know where I am coming from.
Ok - I'll stop getting too gushy now
I hope you have a good Christmas - or as good as you can (never an easy time of year)... and here's to 2009!!
A xx
ok not only did i get emotional...but i did cry! im so glad u have achieved it hunni u so deserve every minute of it. u have come so far, and will go further.
i liked the bit bout the padding in the chair etc cause u are right...only people who have been through a weight journey understand this and see how big of an achievement it really is.
kepp going hunni, u are doin amazing xxx
i liked the bit bout the padding in the chair etc cause u are right...only people who have been through a weight journey understand this and see how big of an achievement it really is.
kepp going hunni, u are doin amazing xxx
angie-bum
Gold Member
I echo the above comments. I am so glad I found minimins and saw your photos and read your threads because it was one of the reasons I started a vlcd in the first place. I had given up ever being able to lose weight, then I saw your pictures and porgeous' photos and I had a little chink on hope that I could do it too. Many, many thanks, I really wouldnt have done it without that inspiration.
Very well done with all you have achieved, you must be so proud
Very well done with all you have achieved, you must be so proud
slendablenda
Gold Member
Thanks BL
You always come up with the goods at the right time = probably because I'm always hobbling along (in my heels) a few steps behind!
I have been having very mixed emotions for the past few weeks - that end of year reflection time - looking back on the difference between me now and this time last year - physically and emotionally.
Fantastic - all the positives you mention and more - changes in self esteem, my marriage, work life, friendships, getting rid of loads of c**p .
Then that little voice has come to the fore and starts saying "you deserve a reward, eat something nice " where has she come from????????????????
i have to remind myself how important this is and why I allowed myself to hide behind that layer of fat (who am I kidding, those many layers of fat) for all those years.
Regarding the battle scars of life - we all have them. They are part of us. Okay we we can minimise (local pun) them, but they are part of who we are. Luckily mostly they can be covered up. Isn't it lucky people can't read all our life expereinces in our face?????
If you were able to change your skin the reasons would still be there.
Maybe the next challenge of this journey is the acceptance of those ravages of life to the body.Give yourself time to adjust and let it settle.
As you say it's a whole heap better than
the beached whale effect!
Thanks for another inspiring post.
:hug99:
Hope your cold is getting better. xxx
You always come up with the goods at the right time = probably because I'm always hobbling along (in my heels) a few steps behind!
I have been having very mixed emotions for the past few weeks - that end of year reflection time - looking back on the difference between me now and this time last year - physically and emotionally.
Fantastic - all the positives you mention and more - changes in self esteem, my marriage, work life, friendships, getting rid of loads of c**p .
Then that little voice has come to the fore and starts saying "you deserve a reward, eat something nice " where has she come from????????????????
i have to remind myself how important this is and why I allowed myself to hide behind that layer of fat (who am I kidding, those many layers of fat) for all those years.
Regarding the battle scars of life - we all have them. They are part of us. Okay we we can minimise (local pun) them, but they are part of who we are. Luckily mostly they can be covered up. Isn't it lucky people can't read all our life expereinces in our face?????
If you were able to change your skin the reasons would still be there.
Maybe the next challenge of this journey is the acceptance of those ravages of life to the body.Give yourself time to adjust and let it settle.
As you say it's a whole heap better than
the beached whale effect!
Thanks for another inspiring post.
:hug99:
Hope your cold is getting better. xxx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Ladies - thank you so much for your sincere and kind comments. I really appreciate your taking time out to read and reply - it means a lot to me. I know we all share so much of this journey - in our own stories, as well as others - and it just feels so nice to know there are kindred spirits out there.
Thanks for being such incredible women.
XX
Thanks for being such incredible women.
XX
EmVeg
Do a little dance!
I know you hear the word inspiration a lot on this board, so for once I will refrain from saying it!
But it's amazing what you have achieved both physically and mentally.
One thing I particularly "relate" to is your relationship with someone with Manic Depression. Although, it is not the same - my mother has suffered with this since I was 9 - and its has contributed to in a very large way to my feelings of self hate, and generally undeserving of anything good. I guess, for me to know you went through something similar in some respects and still got through that gives a bit more piece of mind. I feel my own diary coming up..
Okay, so its inspiring! I did try.
But it's amazing what you have achieved both physically and mentally.
One thing I particularly "relate" to is your relationship with someone with Manic Depression. Although, it is not the same - my mother has suffered with this since I was 9 - and its has contributed to in a very large way to my feelings of self hate, and generally undeserving of anything good. I guess, for me to know you went through something similar in some respects and still got through that gives a bit more piece of mind. I feel my own diary coming up..
Okay, so its inspiring! I did try.
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Aw, you ladies - you made me cry.
SOrry for not replying sooner - I have had a lot of probs with my Internet connection over the past few days and its so frustrating so I haven't been on much.....so just now getting caught up.
What nice comments you all said - it really warms my heart when I know someone out there relates.
Part of what was so painful about being fat is no one understood. No one could understand any of it unless of course they were or once were fat.
But it truly does warm me everytime anyone says such nice things.
And I must say - I am flattered at the number of times people have called me inspirational but I get embarassed, happily embarassed of course, because I think I am just 'one of the guys' on this planet, not doing anything special, or more special then the next person - so if I ever seem to side-step those comments thats why. Don't get me wrong - I am so flattered and honoured, and I do love it...I just don't know how to react to it.
I have wanted to say something about that for a long time now.
I guess being an obese person all my life - inspirational was never, EVER a word I would have paired with myself, so its sometimes a very unfamiliar thing to hear.
But I just want to say, thanks so much everyone. Way I see it - I wouldn't be the same person here had it not been for all of your influences too, so we are all inspirational. Every one of us, ay?
(oh, and as for the book thing - I'd happily tell stories to someone who can write! I don;t think I have the flair to carry anyone too far through a lump of paper!!! :giggle: But I'm good at talkin.)
xx
SOrry for not replying sooner - I have had a lot of probs with my Internet connection over the past few days and its so frustrating so I haven't been on much.....so just now getting caught up.
What nice comments you all said - it really warms my heart when I know someone out there relates.
Part of what was so painful about being fat is no one understood. No one could understand any of it unless of course they were or once were fat.
But it truly does warm me everytime anyone says such nice things.
And I must say - I am flattered at the number of times people have called me inspirational but I get embarassed, happily embarassed of course, because I think I am just 'one of the guys' on this planet, not doing anything special, or more special then the next person - so if I ever seem to side-step those comments thats why. Don't get me wrong - I am so flattered and honoured, and I do love it...I just don't know how to react to it.
I have wanted to say something about that for a long time now.
I guess being an obese person all my life - inspirational was never, EVER a word I would have paired with myself, so its sometimes a very unfamiliar thing to hear.
But I just want to say, thanks so much everyone. Way I see it - I wouldn't be the same person here had it not been for all of your influences too, so we are all inspirational. Every one of us, ay?
(oh, and as for the book thing - I'd happily tell stories to someone who can write! I don;t think I have the flair to carry anyone too far through a lump of paper!!! :giggle: But I'm good at talkin.
)xx
My CD supplies finally arrived and I am day 3. Am still trying to find my way around Minimins altho now I'm actually on my own weight loss journey I find myself spending more and more time on here!!!
Having such a long road ahead of me it really is inspirational to read stories such as yours and to know that "real" people really can succeed. I'm tired of carrying ths extra person around and its time to say goodbye to her and hello to me.......
Having such a long road ahead of me it really is inspirational to read stories such as yours and to know that "real" people really can succeed. I'm tired of carrying ths extra person around and its time to say goodbye to her and hello to me.......
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
ooh! Well done on your start!! ANd you'll figure this site out. Reckon like all of us you'll be here a bit!
I noticed you were from Minnesota. I almost moved there back in 1979 or 80. Went to stay with my brother in Ely, Minnesota and was considering moving there...but never did. Do you know ELy? It was beautiful.
ANyway! Good luck to you! And we are happy to have you here, or CD or both! Wherever!!
xx
I noticed you were from Minnesota. I almost moved there back in 1979 or 80. Went to stay with my brother in Ely, Minnesota and was considering moving there...but never did. Do you know ELy? It was beautiful.
ANyway! Good luck to you! And we are happy to have you here, or CD or both! Wherever!!
xx
Haven't been to Ely yet - have been living here for a year and a half. Love it altho hthe winters are a bit extreme!! Am still finding my way around miminins so kinda posting here, there and everywhere!!!!! How did you start a diary? I'd like to do that. Think it might help me? Have written a couple of blogs but like the idea of a diary more.
xx
xx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
lol - yes, the Minnesota Winters are indeed extreme! Ely was 20 miles roughly from the Canadian border Ibelieve, and I was there in winter. It was -30 degrees, we lived in a summer cabin with no running water. We had to bathe in a pump house across a frozen field in a little tin shower stall in a bait room surrounded by bathtubs full of worms!!!
It was horrible - byt the time I dashed back to the cabin my hair was frozen solid and I had to let it defrost!!! hehe I got to walk across a lake though - that was cool!!I always giggle here in the UK - no offense all - but when it "snows" here, half the country shuts down. And we are talking about a couple inches, MAX.
ANyway - to start your diary, just click on the button that says NEW THREAD, rather then REPLY, title it, and bang the keys!
It helped me immensely!
good luck!!
