RecoveringChocaholic
I'm going to be slim
Well you must have muffin home with you now & enjoying the walkies
I hope you are doing ok missing your on here
I hope you are doing ok missing your on here
Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary
- Thread starter Blonde Logic
- Start date
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Hi everyone....
Well, long time. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Muffin IS here now...she has been here about three weeks, and she has been the BEST medicine ever. She just brings me so much. We alk everyday, twice when we can, and we are just having such a good time. SHe is like a living floppy teddy bear.
I am coming out the other side. An awful lot has happened these past several weeks since I returned to work. And I will catch it up here this weekend.
I have learned though, through the love and incredible support of my husband, that I am never alone, and he is my family now. And his parents. I think a fear for a lot of us when we lose the last parent is that we will feel alone? I know I did. But I am not, and won't be. I would not have got as far as I have, mentally, were it not for my husband. He has danced CIRCLES around my ex husbands support (which was NIL) when my dad died.
So yeah - the tides may be changing.
I'm also back on packs - I have a thread in the main forum to catch you up if you wnat.
Have a good nite all
MUAH!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well, long time. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Muffin IS here now...she has been here about three weeks, and she has been the BEST medicine ever. She just brings me so much. We alk everyday, twice when we can, and we are just having such a good time. SHe is like a living floppy teddy bear.
I am coming out the other side. An awful lot has happened these past several weeks since I returned to work. And I will catch it up here this weekend.
I have learned though, through the love and incredible support of my husband, that I am never alone, and he is my family now. And his parents. I think a fear for a lot of us when we lose the last parent is that we will feel alone? I know I did. But I am not, and won't be. I would not have got as far as I have, mentally, were it not for my husband. He has danced CIRCLES around my ex husbands support (which was NIL) when my dad died.
So yeah - the tides may be changing.
I'm also back on packs - I have a thread in the main forum to catch you up if you wnat.
Have a good nite all
MUAH!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thanks for looking in folks. Will work on some photos of Muffin. She is well and truly adaptednow. Its been great to have her here.
ANyway, jst wanted to put my latest update here for prosperity.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Everything was going so well, but I have kind of slipped and teetered on and off the rails this week. Its been an awful week - me and my DH have been fighting most of the week about money. My misuse of it. lol
I hate fighting about money. It is the worst thing, other then adultry, to fight about I think. It takes me imediately back to my ex-husband and the breakdown of my first marraige. I just hate it,
But I am RUBBISH with money. I always have been, my entire life. I am impulsive, compulsive and a bit addictive in nature. Gee - where have I heard that before?
I realise really - if its not food - its shopping - if its not shopping, its gardening - if its not gardening - its cooking/baking. Whatever is my coping method for lifes stress, etc., it always seems to become impulsive. I think I have a problem. lol (no laughing matter really - but hey....it is what it is.)
Anyway, all the fighting has abruptly woken all the chatter boxes - The rebelious child, the victim, the rescuer - all of em. And they have all been making excuses....trying to justify mybehaviour. lol - it is the loudest and the clearest I have ever heard them, which is somewhat annoying. Little Sh*ts. lol
I know, no matter they tried to tell me, at the end of the day - eating will not help, it will simply taste good. Thats it. Wont change or fix anything.
I have been fighting carbs all week, and giving in way more than I should have. I need a swift kick up my backside, and to get on with being a good little dieter.
Oh, life - what fun would it be without the challenges.
Thats my rant. That is my plea for a kick - and hopefully my getting it off my chest, freeing me to get back to my very important agenda.
Thanks fir listening.
xxx
Will work on some photos of Muffin. She is well and truly adaptednow. Its been great to have her here. ANyway, jst wanted to put my latest update here for prosperity.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Everything was going so well, but I have kind of slipped and teetered on and off the rails this week. Its been an awful week - me and my DH have been fighting most of the week about money. My misuse of it. lol
I hate fighting about money. It is the worst thing, other then adultry, to fight about I think. It takes me imediately back to my ex-husband and the breakdown of my first marraige. I just hate it,
But I am RUBBISH with money. I always have been, my entire life. I am impulsive, compulsive and a bit addictive in nature. Gee - where have I heard that before?
I realise really - if its not food - its shopping - if its not shopping, its gardening - if its not gardening - its cooking/baking. Whatever is my coping method for lifes stress, etc., it always seems to become impulsive. I think I have a problem. lol (no laughing matter really - but hey....it is what it is.)
Anyway, all the fighting has abruptly woken all the chatter boxes - The rebelious child, the victim, the rescuer - all of em. And they have all been making excuses....trying to justify mybehaviour. lol - it is the loudest and the clearest I have ever heard them, which is somewhat annoying. Little Sh*ts. lol
I know, no matter they tried to tell me, at the end of the day - eating will not help, it will simply taste good. Thats it. Wont change or fix anything.
I have been fighting carbs all week, and giving in way more than I should have. I need a swift kick up my backside, and to get on with being a good little dieter.
Oh, life - what fun would it be without the challenges.
Thats my rant. That is my plea for a kick - and hopefully my getting it off my chest, freeing me to get back to my very important agenda.
Thanks fir listening.
xxx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Sigh. She really is gone, isn't she.
Feeling a bit blue. Something triggered something today, and I find myself missing mom, and getting waves of feelings that she is really gone, it still seems a bit unreal that I won’t see her again. Today it does at least. I don’t know what brought it on – just hit me while I was out on a fag break. She’s gone. Forever. L Been doing pretty well with it all, but I guess its normal to pop up now and again without any explanation.
Maybe its jut the few things in life are causing me stress, maybe it opens me up more for those feelings – my guards down. Been stressed a bit about money – but this is nothing new. It is a cycle that takes about a year to complete. I overspend – hubby gets mad and takes all credit cards/cash away and handles it – I regain control and they are given back – then it starts all over again. I am sure the reasons I over ate are the same for why I over shop. It’s just a way of dealing with things that need dealing with but I don’t know the solution.
I have not heard from my brother who left the country (USA) to parts unknown right after Christmas. I got one email saying he was somewhere in Costa Rica. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Not a pip since then and no reply’s to emails. I can’t help but feel like I have taken over worrying for him where mom left off – and I do NOT want to do this. But it’s hard. He’s alone, has nothing, no one, and I have no idea where he is or how he is. My other brother could care less. So it falls on me to worry.
Work has also been a bit sh*t lately.
These things definitely do affect my diet. I had been very picky, for 2 or 3 weeks following Christmas. I thought I had it under control, for a week or two – but had a few little picks this week. Grrrr. Not enough to do any damage other than to un-re-enforce what I am trying to recapture – and that’s my steely determination. Feeling a bit beaten down after the last year I guess.
Or maybe I am just having a pity party.
Alls I know, is there are some parts of life, that no matter what we do – they suck.
This ramble makes no sense – I know – just needed to throw a few words at the screen.
I miss you mom.
Feeling a bit blue. Something triggered something today, and I find myself missing mom, and getting waves of feelings that she is really gone, it still seems a bit unreal that I won’t see her again. Today it does at least. I don’t know what brought it on – just hit me while I was out on a fag break. She’s gone. Forever. L Been doing pretty well with it all, but I guess its normal to pop up now and again without any explanation.
Maybe its jut the few things in life are causing me stress, maybe it opens me up more for those feelings – my guards down. Been stressed a bit about money – but this is nothing new. It is a cycle that takes about a year to complete. I overspend – hubby gets mad and takes all credit cards/cash away and handles it – I regain control and they are given back – then it starts all over again. I am sure the reasons I over ate are the same for why I over shop. It’s just a way of dealing with things that need dealing with but I don’t know the solution.
I have not heard from my brother who left the country (USA) to parts unknown right after Christmas. I got one email saying he was somewhere in Costa Rica. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Not a pip since then and no reply’s to emails. I can’t help but feel like I have taken over worrying for him where mom left off – and I do NOT want to do this. But it’s hard. He’s alone, has nothing, no one, and I have no idea where he is or how he is. My other brother could care less. So it falls on me to worry.
Work has also been a bit sh*t lately.
These things definitely do affect my diet. I had been very picky, for 2 or 3 weeks following Christmas. I thought I had it under control, for a week or two – but had a few little picks this week. Grrrr. Not enough to do any damage other than to un-re-enforce what I am trying to recapture – and that’s my steely determination. Feeling a bit beaten down after the last year I guess.
Or maybe I am just having a pity party.
Alls I know, is there are some parts of life, that no matter what we do – they suck.
This ramble makes no sense – I know – just needed to throw a few words at the screen.
I miss you mom.
coley144
Creating my life
Sorry you are missing your Mum.
Seems like your boundaries are a bit blurred. Your brother is responsible for himself - you are responsible for you. Don't distract yourself from one by stressing about the other - or allow stress about your brother to cause you to be destructive (in whatever way) in your life. Surely you deal with shopping in the same way you deal with food - becoming conscious of when you are losing control is a very good start. You can break these patterns, as you know well with food, but you will need another healthier outlet for those feelings.
When I do tarot readings one card that comes up sometimes is The Devil - it isn't the card of demonic possession but more the urge to do anything to excess. It can literally be anything - food, drink, drugs, exercise, work - the point of the card is that we choose to do this thing and we need to find another way of filling the gap. Alternatively find a healthier, less damaging way to channel those feelings. If we became obsessed with gardening - for example - would that be as bad? If you are going to have a monkey on your back why not make it a tiny one - or a useful one! x
Seems like your boundaries are a bit blurred. Your brother is responsible for himself - you are responsible for you. Don't distract yourself from one by stressing about the other - or allow stress about your brother to cause you to be destructive (in whatever way) in your life. Surely you deal with shopping in the same way you deal with food - becoming conscious of when you are losing control is a very good start. You can break these patterns, as you know well with food, but you will need another healthier outlet for those feelings.
When I do tarot readings one card that comes up sometimes is The Devil - it isn't the card of demonic possession but more the urge to do anything to excess. It can literally be anything - food, drink, drugs, exercise, work - the point of the card is that we choose to do this thing and we need to find another way of filling the gap. Alternatively find a healthier, less damaging way to channel those feelings. If we became obsessed with gardening - for example - would that be as bad? If you are going to have a monkey on your back why not make it a tiny one - or a useful one! x
toller-girl
constantly confused
I've been absent from this site for a while, but have thought about you often.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I had words of comfort but I don't. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I had words of comfort but I don't. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
weevikki
Full Member
I lost my father 9 years ago. Even whilst I write this I cannot believe it. It took a long time for me to come to terms with this. He was only 54. I spent a lot of time being angry at god or who ever. I still miss him especially when life is stressful as he was good at non judgemental chat re stuff in your life. It will get easier and I now don't think of him often but occasionally I still smile at the thought of him. No anger or pain now though. I see it as the circle of life. I have 3 kids and if everyone lived to very old age there would be no room on the planet! Not sure if this helps but glad you vented to us. X
MinnieMel
Why Be Normal?
Hi BL,
Thought I'd look you up. I was wondering how you were doing. You were so supportive back in 2008 when I was doing LL and wanted to say thanks. I did well for a while and then allowed myself to regain about 1/2 my losses, but am using CD and Judith Beck's book to work it back off (about 1/2 way there). I am hoping to learn how to maintain -- and make the changes to make it work this time.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. I wish I could say something comforting, but I know it'll take some time. I suppose even though you are am adult it makes you feel a bit orphaned.
Are you still living in the UK? I am... but that may change soon. DH is waiting on news about a potential international move. We're long overdue... we've been in the UK over seven years this time (the longest in one place EVER).
MinneMel aka Melissa
Thought I'd look you up. I was wondering how you were doing. You were so supportive back in 2008 when I was doing LL and wanted to say thanks. I did well for a while and then allowed myself to regain about 1/2 my losses, but am using CD and Judith Beck's book to work it back off (about 1/2 way there). I am hoping to learn how to maintain -- and make the changes to make it work this time.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. I wish I could say something comforting, but I know it'll take some time. I suppose even though you are am adult it makes you feel a bit orphaned.
Are you still living in the UK? I am... but that may change soon. DH is waiting on news about a potential international move. We're long overdue... we've been in the UK over seven years this time (the longest in one place EVER).
MinneMel aka Melissa
dizzy34
Full Member
Hi, im sorry to hear your having a bad time. I recognise so much of my self in what you have said about impulsivness and becoming slightly obsessed with things. Also like you, my OH keeps an eye on the money. I have my own card etc but i wont allow myself credit cards or store cards (im paying off the last lot).
Im really sorry to hear about you losing your mum. i havent lost my parents but my youngest son died in 2008. It still hits me now, every so often i get that realisation that he is gone. I am bitter at times and think why him, why can others keep their children and mine was taken. I have learnt to let my self go with it. The knowledge that everyone dies at some point doesnt comfort me and from my experience time doesnt heal; i miss him as much today as i did the day he died in his daddys arms three years ago - you dont get over it you just learn to live with it, and learn to smile more when you think about them. Grieving is such a terrible emotional roller coaster, be kind to your self and except support from people.
Thinking of you.xxx
Im really sorry to hear about you losing your mum. i havent lost my parents but my youngest son died in 2008. It still hits me now, every so often i get that realisation that he is gone. I am bitter at times and think why him, why can others keep their children and mine was taken. I have learnt to let my self go with it. The knowledge that everyone dies at some point doesnt comfort me and from my experience time doesnt heal; i miss him as much today as i did the day he died in his daddys arms three years ago - you dont get over it you just learn to live with it, and learn to smile more when you think about them. Grieving is such a terrible emotional roller coaster, be kind to your self and except support from people.
Thinking of you.xxx
Clarabow
Silver Member
Just wanted to drop by and express how sad I felt for you at your terrible loss. Words cant express the deapth of your pain or offer adequate consolation. I can only hope that with the passing of time you will come to find things a little more tolerable.
Second time on lighter life and I remember avidly following your progress when you were in abstinence. Some very moving and insightful writting that was a real inspiration. I know many many people on the forum have vaulued the input you have given through your diary.
Anyway heal well my lovely, and allow a little more light into your heard and world each day.
Second time on lighter life and I remember avidly following your progress when you were in abstinence. Some very moving and insightful writting that was a real inspiration. I know many many people on the forum have vaulued the input you have given through your diary.
Anyway heal well my lovely, and allow a little more light into your heard and world each day.
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Hey BL,
I hope everything is going well... I was thinking a lot about you recently and was hoping life is that little bit easier now. Time heals all wounds, but unfortunately doesn't let scars fade. Did you receive your mom's dog? I recall you finally did manage to get her to the UK. How did she settle in?
Thinking of you! xx
I hope everything is going well... I was thinking a lot about you recently and was hoping life is that little bit easier now. Time heals all wounds, but unfortunately doesn't let scars fade. Did you receive your mom's dog? I recall you finally did manage to get her to the UK. How did she settle in?
Thinking of you! xx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
What a year it has been. Not just for me, but for so many.
Today, I will be remembering my mom, who died one year ago today, after her most unfortunate accident. I realise the school of life can cram a lot more knowledge in you in one year, then it ever did in all the years at school. The school of life is definitely more comprehensive, and while often unpleasant, lessons are better learned. Here are some of the lessons I have learned. Not all, but significant ones.
I’ve learned that friends – physical and virtual – or as once said on here “friends who just haven’t met yet” can become the structural bracing you need to hold you up through a storm. That a simple hug, or a <<<hug>>> or even a little “x” can be very powerful drugs. That through friends, you are never truly alone and that a burden shared is a burden lessened.
I’ve learned that you never ever really know someone, and that seeing one’s true colours can often come as a rude awakening – and that for some, friendship is truly conditional.
I’ve learned that loss is painful, and permanent, beyond any degree of measure. And that this pain becomes an integral part of who you are. That it is there, like a badge on your sleeve – but only visible to some – and completely irrelevant to others.
I’ve also learned, that a really horrible experience does age you – physically and mentally. That it really does take not only a mental toll, but a physical toll.
I’ve learned that stress, worry and guilt are horrible things, and detrimental to one’s health and happiness and can be extremely destructive. That we have the ability to punish ourselves much more thoroughly and brutally then any parent, schoolmaster, law official, etc., ever can.
I’ve learned that trust should never be assumed, and also never taken for granted. That there are people who will lie to your face, with a false smile and implied concern when they are really just chomping at the bit – waiting for you to turn your back towards them so they can drive a knife right smack in it, just between your shoulder blades where you can’t reach it.
I’ve also learned, that family can break you down and tear you in two. And that it is not so easy to play both sides – that someone gets hurt in the process – usually you.
But the most important lesson I have learned is that life is short. In the words of Lou Reed, “Life’s good, but not fair at all.”
The hardest lesson I have learned, is that I miss my mother, and I miss my father too, as much today as the days they died and that this will never change. But that they are together again, somehow, in some way, makes that bitter pill slightly easier to swallow.
What a year....a long long year that seems to have happened in a split second, overnight.
Miss you mom, and love you forever. Bless you to the moon and back.
Today, I will be remembering my mom, who died one year ago today, after her most unfortunate accident. I realise the school of life can cram a lot more knowledge in you in one year, then it ever did in all the years at school. The school of life is definitely more comprehensive, and while often unpleasant, lessons are better learned. Here are some of the lessons I have learned. Not all, but significant ones.
I’ve learned that friends – physical and virtual – or as once said on here “friends who just haven’t met yet” can become the structural bracing you need to hold you up through a storm. That a simple hug, or a <<<hug>>> or even a little “x” can be very powerful drugs. That through friends, you are never truly alone and that a burden shared is a burden lessened.
I’ve learned that you never ever really know someone, and that seeing one’s true colours can often come as a rude awakening – and that for some, friendship is truly conditional.
I’ve learned that loss is painful, and permanent, beyond any degree of measure. And that this pain becomes an integral part of who you are. That it is there, like a badge on your sleeve – but only visible to some – and completely irrelevant to others.
I’ve also learned, that a really horrible experience does age you – physically and mentally. That it really does take not only a mental toll, but a physical toll.
I’ve learned that stress, worry and guilt are horrible things, and detrimental to one’s health and happiness and can be extremely destructive. That we have the ability to punish ourselves much more thoroughly and brutally then any parent, schoolmaster, law official, etc., ever can.
I’ve learned that trust should never be assumed, and also never taken for granted. That there are people who will lie to your face, with a false smile and implied concern when they are really just chomping at the bit – waiting for you to turn your back towards them so they can drive a knife right smack in it, just between your shoulder blades where you can’t reach it.
I’ve also learned, that family can break you down and tear you in two. And that it is not so easy to play both sides – that someone gets hurt in the process – usually you.
But the most important lesson I have learned is that life is short. In the words of Lou Reed, “Life’s good, but not fair at all.”
The hardest lesson I have learned, is that I miss my mother, and I miss my father too, as much today as the days they died and that this will never change. But that they are together again, somehow, in some way, makes that bitter pill slightly easier to swallow.
What a year....a long long year that seems to have happened in a split second, overnight.
Miss you mom, and love you forever. Bless you to the moon and back.
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thanks to everyone for your posts, and I am sorry I have not replied. I have not been spending very mch time on MMs lately.
Its a difficult time of year for me now - too many unpleasant memories.
In the past 40 days, I have had a lot of unpleasant anniveraries - my mothers accident, my life-long friends severing of our friendship, long horrible days in hospital watchin mom fight for her life, my aunties death, and ultimately my mothers death. So it has been a rather low time for me.
I have also sadly lost a friend back home last week to Ovarian Cancer, and have been worrying about a very special friend here who is beginning her own battle with Cancer, so it has been a bit of a hellish period.
And it has certainly taken its toll on me physically. Weight is up and down like a flippen yo-yo, and it is well up now. I just cannot seem to find the fight in me to keep it off and I am well and truly so angry at myself I could spit. <sigh>
Anyway - these days will pass, and maybe I can find my fight again. I am just not feeling like a very positive influence these days.
xxx
Its a difficult time of year for me now - too many unpleasant memories.
In the past 40 days, I have had a lot of unpleasant anniveraries - my mothers accident, my life-long friends severing of our friendship, long horrible days in hospital watchin mom fight for her life, my aunties death, and ultimately my mothers death. So it has been a rather low time for me.
I have also sadly lost a friend back home last week to Ovarian Cancer, and have been worrying about a very special friend here who is beginning her own battle with Cancer, so it has been a bit of a hellish period.
And it has certainly taken its toll on me physically. Weight is up and down like a flippen yo-yo, and it is well up now. I just cannot seem to find the fight in me to keep it off and I am well and truly so angry at myself I could spit. <sigh>
Anyway - these days will pass, and maybe I can find my fight again. I am just not feeling like a very positive influence these days.
xxx
Clarabow
Silver Member
Aww honey,
I am so glad that you have posted, thank you for taking the time and effort to share your thoughts. It is often difficult when we are viewing them as less than positive and they are causing us pain. I can only hope that you will find some solace from sharing and in the responses that you will get to your post.
Grief is a debilitating thing, and heals in its own time, even so it can heal poorly and remain tender. Mind you why would we want to totally forget those we have loved so much? I hope you reach a point where memories are remembered most often with smiles rather than with sadness. You are doing well and making progress, it may seem slow but it is there from the earliest darkest days. Better days will become more frequent, but it is only to be expected to have some not so good days/weeks and god forbid months on occasion.
Wishing you all the health and healing you could possibly need. Take care lovely x
I am so glad that you have posted, thank you for taking the time and effort to share your thoughts. It is often difficult when we are viewing them as less than positive and they are causing us pain. I can only hope that you will find some solace from sharing and in the responses that you will get to your post.
Grief is a debilitating thing, and heals in its own time, even so it can heal poorly and remain tender. Mind you why would we want to totally forget those we have loved so much? I hope you reach a point where memories are remembered most often with smiles rather than with sadness. You are doing well and making progress, it may seem slow but it is there from the earliest darkest days. Better days will become more frequent, but it is only to be expected to have some not so good days/weeks and god forbid months on occasion.
Wishing you all the health and healing you could possibly need. Take care lovely x
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
You are lovely Clara. <hugs>> Thank you. xx
I understand totally where you are coming from, lost my Dad in March and a good friend in April, both to cancer. I am trying to keep on top of the weight but it is so easy to drop back into the comfort eating. I hope you get your fight back soon, you need to be good to yourself after all you have been through in the last year, sending you loads of hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:
slendablenda
Gold Member
Hi BL,
I am so sorry that your friend in the States lost her battle for life. Even though you knew it was coming it's yet another loss for you in what must seem like such a long period of bereavement.
I hope things start to improve for you soon hun.
Thinking of you lots. xx
I am so sorry that your friend in the States lost her battle for life. Even though you knew it was coming it's yet another loss for you in what must seem like such a long period of bereavement.
I hope things start to improve for you soon hun.
Thinking of you lots. xx
